Help I don't know what to do��

[loganberry12]

Me & my husband are trying to get back together after 2 1/2 years separation. We have a 5 year old daughter & 19 year old son together. Problem I have is my older children from my first marriage don't like him & don't want us to get back together neither does my 19 year old his son. I feel like piggy in the middle they are basically asking me to choose. They were supposed to be spending Christmas with me but won't if he's there. I don't know if to just give up & not get back with him.

Family time at Christmas is always very difficult. Emotions are high and so are expectations. Leave any decisions until the new year. That way you can work out a future more slowly

You say you are confused. This would be my advice:

1. Tell him no, this Xmas. It's far too emotive a time. The slightest whining from him, just get rid
2. Stop sleeping with him until you are NOT confused.
3. Expect him to put effort into repairing his relationship with his son
4. And 1000x that with you

He has had 2.5 YEARS to make it right with his son. That tells me everything I need to know about this man, frankly.
What has he done for over two years to help his son? Not enough, is my guess.

Come on - expect more.

He had his chance...he blew it! Why do you think he deserves another?

It seems that your DC's are the only ones not seeing him through rose tinted glasses.

You didn't take enough advantage of being single, you need to explore your options more and enjoy some dating. You just think it's easier to go back than get out there and meet new potential partners don't you?

Yes your right Buzzard that's how I feel

It's no wonder, he shattered your self confidence. Don't let him do it again.

Show him what you can do, get out there. Have fun.

How long has the 'getting back together' thing been going on?

After what he's done it should be months. A lot of months.

It's not good enough - for all of you who were dumped by his philandering - to make this decision quickly. How long did it take for you to get married in the first place? You probably didn't do it overnight, it was planned over months and months, if not years. Same here.

He's seriously let you all down. He has to walk the walk not just talk the talk. Your kids need to be assured - you too - that he is absolutely sincere. And that will take time. If you'd met someone new would you move him in quickly? This should be no different. If he's serious, he'll be prepared to assure you all over a long period of time.

Don't take him back in an instant, OP. Sex with an ex is neither here nor there, don't take it that it means you're back on again. The chances are high he'll do it again. The philandering that is.

How are his living arrangements? Is he living alone, feeling lonesome, attracted to a warm family hearth?

Is this the charmer who threatened to punch a hole in DS's face? The same one who missed weeks of seeing his daughter because he had love bites on his neck? You can't understand why they don't want you to take him back? Really!

I've just read the same thread, I think. My husband threatened our son You were describing an aggressive 'shouty' man with a 'short fuse' who threatened your then 18yo DS and who thought nothing of yelling at your then 4yo who you claimed didn't take any notice of him because she was so used to his behaviour.

I'm also not surprised that your older DCs don't want to sit at a table with this guy.

Oh dear, now I have read that thread too and it just reinforces the fact that you should not go there.

The last thing you said on your thread is that you had promised your son that the shit would not be allowed back in your house.

You are seriously going to have to stand by your children and not let this loser back in your house.

I haven't read any other threads but for god's sake woman, where is your self respect ?

You can do better than this prick. We know it and your family know it. You will lose the good will of your children for this ?

You need help, I think. Book yourself some counselling to find out why you think you deserve such crap in your life and you would let a fucking loser like this blow it to pieces again

And stop sleeping with him.

I remember your thread. I remember how ill it made me feel that you were in such an abusive relationship. Please don't resurrect that dreadful marriage. You will lose your children if you do. You will also lose yourself. It will be total this time because you won't get another chance to be free and with the dc gone what would freedom mean anyway when you came to your senses? His abuse would also be immeasurably worse than first time round.

End it properly and finally, with dignity and a sense of how wonderful your life is without him. If he has regained a key take it back. Lock him out of your mind too because that's where he currently owns you.

Oh lord op don't go there. Stop going there. Divorce his arse

just realised this is you...

I know that in your heart you probably think that this is the best and easiest option, to get back together with him, but the other posters are right, you need to take a step back and think about what happened before. Reread some of your original threads, how you felt when he first left. (I just have skimmed them). Do you want to feel like that again? Can you cope again if you get back together and then split up again?

Your older children have seen everything that you have gone through and will feel very protective of you. They won't want to see you get hurt again.

yes sometimes people can change and things can change, but he needs to spend a very long time earning your trust back and their trust back before things proceed.

Can there be a compromise, in that he comes round later on Christmas day for a few hours, so that he is not there all day?

But really, do have a long long think about what YOU want out of all of this and how it will affect everybody if it goes wrong again. I know a couple who are divorced and have tried twice since then to get back together. Each time they do, and it goes wrong, it just confuses the children more and more.

Best wishes X

Well I've got my answer he just text back have a nice christmas the kids got what they want bye! So says it all really he's not prepared to even try. Fuck him then!! I've also found out that he threatened my son again the other day so that's it now finished

Please have the strength to leave it there logan and get on with the rest of your life

Tbh him threatening your son once should have been enough to keep you away from him.

Stop putting this man before your children. Or they will resent you for it and IMO you will deserve it.

Children cannot choose their parents and it's a shame that you were prepared to let this man back despite what your children thought of him.

And stop sugar coating his recent departure. He left you for another woman who has now ditched him.

With respect, you seem to have said 'fuck him' quite a lot of times but he still buzzes around. It's OK to be lonely and default back to old partners that are no good but understand what's going on and then you might be able to change things. You're also going to need practical support to keep him away. Your older DCs sound very protective. Why not ask for their help this time?

I'm going to try & stay strong

Have you told him it's properly over?

Have you ever heard of the Freedom Programme? You can do it online as well as in person. I think you would find it invaluable. And please delete his number, block him online on Facebook etc and make sure your own social media accounts are private. You need to go no contact and you need to protect yourselves and keeping everything private from him is a good move.

You have to realise you and the children deserve far better than anything he can possibly offer you and until you do this you will continue to dance to his tune. He sounds a right nasty piece of work. I think if you have any more trouble you will need to involve the police.

Have you told the police about the threats to your son? Please do.

I agree about the freedom programme, though try and get along to a group where you'll meet other women in a similar position who will support you and shout at you when you feel weak .

I also agree you need help if you're even considering taking him back.

The second time he has threatened your son ? Many women in abusive relationships say the very last straw was when the abuser started on the kids.

What will it take for this to be your last straw ?

"Trying" to stay strong is not good enough I am afraid

A man that threatens people needs to be reported to the police, not getting back into your knickers.

Take a good long look at yourself.

Hi OP,
Sounds like you are worth so much more than this man. Don't put such a low value on yourself - your children obviously think you are worth more.

They've seen this abuser at close hand. You've done well to get away from this man so far, you've just taken a few backward steps recently.

Take a deep breath and keep him away. Definitely don't have sex with him. Reduce contact to an absolute minimum. He sounds horrible. Your kids and you will have much more fun without him, both at Christmas and beyond.

I can't all contact as we have a 5 yr old daughter together who he sees at the weekend

You can't cut contact completely but you can put things on a more practical, 'businesslike' basis and stop treating him as a friend/lover. Means short texts to arrange pick ups rather than long chats. Means keeping him out of your house rather than inviting him in. But you have to be motivated and, despite your 'fuck him' I don't believe you are yet.