Help I don't know what to do��

[loganberry12]

Me & my husband are trying to get back together after 2 1/2 years separation. We have a 5 year old daughter & 19 year old son together. Problem I have is my older children from my first marriage don't like him & don't want us to get back together neither does my 19 year old his son. I feel like piggy in the middle they are basically asking me to choose. They were supposed to be spending Christmas with me but won't if he's there. I don't know if to just give up & not get back with him.

Doorstep handovers

Arrangements by text on a different phone (cheap PAYG)

No cosy chats/passing the time of day/reminiscing about what might have been

Only contact to be about matters pertaining directly to your daughter

It is possible. If you want it enough. How would you feel if your daughter grew up and started a relationship with man liek this ?

My heart sank when I read your OP, Logon. I think, had your ex not said 'bye' you would still be flip-flopping on this. I'm not generally in favour of children running their parents' lives but you had all the reasons you needed to permanently finish this when your husband threatened your child(ren) first time around.

Your children need an apology from you. Now.

Regarding your 5 year old, if your ex is abusive, should he be seeing her at all?

I think that you need time to re-establish yourself with your children as their mum and protector. No man should be trying to infiltrate that right now, you're not ready for a new relationship. Your mind needs to be fully made up about your ex though because all I can hear in your posts is "We can, can't we? No? But why not?". You're still in his thrall and that's a dangerous thing.

Your ex sounds spoilt and petulant, he needs to be no part of your family - you and your kids are that. He is not.

Are you strong enough to make it clear to him that you want nothing further from him by way of sex or intervention in your home, no moving back in, no getting back together. Nothing.

All there is is debatable contact between DD and him. Does he see her every w/e? Should it not be every other W/e? I don't know. Have you talked with anyone official about contact? And maybe child support of some kind?

Please just love your DC and save them and you from this ugly abusive man.

Feeling deflated & so sad today

Why are you so low, loganberry? I don't mean that flippantly, you've had a lot on your plate by way of harsh reality and choices to be made.

Because last week I thought maybe we could make it work & now it's all gone again I miss the cuddles & feel so lonely again I know I shouldn't but I do love this man. I feel sad he hasn't contacted me saying he's going to sort it out make peace with my kids & be sorry but I know he won't he's too stubborn. It's his birthday tomorrow & our little girl will want to see him but I know he won't contact me to see her

Dear loganberry - the man you love is an abuser of you and your dc. I know you can't see that even though his actions are telling you everything you need to know. Your love is one-sided and not returned by his love for you. Last week you lost track of reality, glided into a fantasy of what might happen. Your kids burst that bubble, and rightly so.

You are likely grieving your loss but look at what you stand a chance of keeping - your awesome children who you birthed and raised. They love you properly and now they don't have to be heartbroken. Is there not some pleasure in knowing that?

You are in love with the idea of love - not this abusive man. You really need some support - have you spoken to Women's Aid, looked into the Freedom Programme, reported his behaviour to the police yet? If not you need to.

You need to go through this sadness to get out the other side

Attempting to anaesthetise the pain by seeking more contact is damaging you and damaging your kids

You cant make someone love you.

But you can start by learning to love yourself Logan!

Because you do deserve to be happy!

But he doesn't deserve to be loved by you!

That is what you need to repeat whenever you feel down. Whenever you feel lonely call a friend. Make plans. Cuddle your DC. Bake a fecking cake! Have a shower. Go for a walk. Get a dog. Volunteer in a charity shop. Anything that makes you feel good. I promise you will feel better in yourself!

Your H sounds like a petulent child. I would stand by my kids if I were you tbh. You have been without him for 2.5 yrs. You have lived. Don't go backwards. You will only end up back where you were 2.5 yrs ago. If he weremaking an effort and was sorry, I may have said give it a go, but he certainly isnt, us he?!

he is a dangerous petulant grown man

he threatens kids

he wants fucking locking up

I've just been reading my old threads makes me stronger & to read everyone's encouragement

Well I've text him happy birthday & put a card from our little girl through his letter box. I text him last night asking if he wante to pick our daughter up from school today to spend some time with her on his birthday but no reply

So you are pandering to him again. You need to go no contact. You text him, he ignores, you beg, he will come back with all the control. Cycle continues until the next time. Why are you even wanting a relationship with him. You need to report him to the police, not send him birthday cards!

The minute he clicks his fingers you will go running again. What are you going to do to stop this?

Stay away from him

What part of that are you not getting ?

Your daughter will be fine for not spending time with him on his birthday. He doesn't want you. You are making a mug of yourself.

The card was from my little girl Im thinking of her I don't want him to stop contact with her they are close

If he did that, it would be his choice

You are using your daughter to keep contact with him

You can;t make him love you and you can't force a relationship with his daughter

And you bought the card from your daughter to give him?

I despair I really do! Using your daughter to give him a card to get some attention for yourself.

When are you going to wake up and see what he is. If you are going to insist upon prostrating yourself at his feet for him to walk all over you again with his hobnail boots on please do not involve your children.

They deserve so much better than that.

Why are you refusing to keep away from him? This is not some love story - this is abuse. He has threatened your son. What part of that don't you understand?

No I know your right if he misses her he'll be in touch. My heart just breaks for her though

by trying to manage his attachment to her you are in danger of making things worse for her in the long run though - as he will let her down again and again. I do know what it's like as I watched my own dd struggle with the knowledge that her df was not the wonderful man she thought he was - but you must stop trying to make their relationship work, that is up to him. Just concentrate on your own relationship with her and the other children.

You are doing your daughter wrong, logan

This is going to sound very harsh, but fgs you need to wake up and fast

1. you are modelling female submissive behaviour to her by pandering to an abuser...she will be learning very damaging lessons from this

2. you are using her to stay in pointless contact with an abuser on your own account

3. it is not necessarily the best thing that she stays in contact with him...better an absent father than one that threatens teenage boys and treats her mother like shit

If you really wanted to protect your daughter you would cut him out of your life. if he wants a relationship with her, the responsibility is his. All you need to do is make her available for reasonable contact...the rest is up to him.

Thank you all & Anyfucker thank you for being so stern with me I need that to see clearly

loganberry I'm in agreement with AF ... you're going back on your choice with all the "our daughter" this, that and whatever. You're projecting onto her your own dependency on this man, covering up the promise on the edge of being broken - that your other DC would be free of him even if you don't want to be.

You put a card through his door allegedly from your little girl. Did she ask to do this off her own bat? Did she sign it? Deliver it enthusiastically with you? If not then it really isn't from her is it? You mention "I" did this and "I" did that but it wasn't for her; it wasn't even for him. It was from you on your own behalf.

Determination and clarity don't require strength, they are supremely capable qualities in and of themselves. I think you really need to make the choice of what to remove from your life. You know the consequences of each path open to you.

What tiny said. You need to find things that make you happy to fill your time. He doesn't deserve any of the attention you're giving him. Certainly not love. You really think on his birthday he isn't capable of asking to see his daughter? He doesn't want to. He's a bloody prick.