Help I don't know what to do��

[loganberry12]

Me & my husband are trying to get back together after 2 1/2 years separation. We have a 5 year old daughter & 19 year old son together. Problem I have is my older children from my first marriage don't like him & don't want us to get back together neither does my 19 year old his son. I feel like piggy in the middle they are basically asking me to choose. They were supposed to be spending Christmas with me but won't if he's there. I don't know if to just give up & not get back with him.

Sorry thread had moved on!

Barnet?

Logan, please listen

Yes, it's shit for your daughter

Unfortunately he is a crap dad

But he is even worse as a partner and you cannot fix it for her

How would you even suggest you could do that?. He doesn't care. That is all. He will upset your daughter to get back at you. This is the measure of the man She is better off without him, really she is

She will stop asking in a couple of weeks if you handle this properly and stop projecting your utter neediness into her

You are doing her a dis service, and I'm sorry to say that you are colluding in the long term damage she is going to suffer if you don't sort yourself the fuck out

The card was not from your daughter if she did not initiate it. I'm sorry, dear loganberry but it was from you .... and yet again what AF has said ... take the away ticket he just gave you. Please.

This man is dangerous. He threatens your other DC. Your other DC are on the verge of leaving home and you if you keep on with "him".

She will stop asking in a couple of weeks if you handle this properly

This is absolutely so. I have personal experience of it. I promise you it's true.

The card was from her as she chose it at the shop & wrote & drew in it without my intervention

I put it through his letter box while she was at school so I wou have to see him she would have wanted to give it to him in person

The only person you are fooling is yourself, love

You can't kid a kidder

If you stay strong he will come around to seeing his dd if he really wants to. If he doesn't want to then you can't 'fix' that.

I guarentee that by next Christmas whenever you think of him you will shudder and wonder why the hell you didn't get rid of him sooner...bit like a
veruca really. :)

Haha Buzzard I had a verruca once I could get rid of it had it years one day it just disappeared

Woke up feeling very sad today got work all weekend so should take the edge off it. Feel like I've gone back 2.5 years hate myself for being such an emotional idiot.

Put your armour on logan and throw yourself in to work. Are you off on Monday? It may be helpful to count the hours down.

Yes off Monday back Tuesday. It's not so much during the day because I'm busy it's first thing in the morning when I wake up & it all comes back to me & of an evening when I'm on my own

He threatened your son. And you want to be with him? Am i missing something here? If somebody threatened my child my instincts would be telling me to kill the bastard. Baffled

The card was from her as she chose it at the shop & wrote & drew in it without my intervention

She didn't walk down there and buy it herself, though. Did she?

Nor did she say, "mummy, any chance you could take me to the shops so that I can choose a card for daddy?" Did she?

It looked a lot more like, "tell you what sweetheart, shall we pop down the shops and get you a card to send to daddy? You can write it yourself as you're such a big girl now." Didn't it?

As for drawing a picture in it, my 8yo drew a picture in the cards I wrote for the window cleaner and the gardener. It means nothing.

Stop making excuses and put your children first!

And one more word of warning...

We are NC with my mother. This is a decision that has been prompted by many things over the years. Some of the more notable things are (some of which we were only able to understand/articulate as adults - so don't assume that growing up means these things are no longer an issue for the children)...

• failing to protect me as a child/teen/older teen from a physically abusive father
• prioritising her own wants and needs over her children's, and then grandchildren's
• coming across as a bit weak and pathetic with her willingness to put the rest of the family 'at risk' with her ridiculous behaviour (after her marriage to my dad finally broke down, she got into relationships with increasingly unsuitable men just so that she didn't carry the shame of being a 'single woman' and because she was scared of being alone)
• actually putting her children, and later grandchildren, 'at risk' with her inability and unwillingness to protect those around her who were/are unable to protect themselves and rely on adults to do it for them

In our opinion, she is a sad, pathetic, selfish, despicable woman who would sell her children/grandchildren down the river because of pleas of, "but I love him..."

If you don't safeguard your children against this abusive man, you may well find they safeguard their own children against you in the future.

Do not become my mother.

One last thing...

You say you won't contact the police/a lawyer because that's still him owning you? That's nonsense and an excuse. That would be taking control of the situation.

What is letting him 'own' you is all the pathetic attempts to 'win' him over: the birthday card designed to put you in his thoughts, tug at his heart strings and make him realise what he's missing (because that's what it was about really); the Happy Birthday text designed to show him how much you still care and how loving and considerate you can be, as well as how magnanimously you can behave despite his behaviours; the sex designed to recreate the closeness and make him fall in love with you again (it won't. I can pretty much guarantee he feels nothing but contempt for you, and how easily you will give yourself away, afterwards)

Have a bit of self respect!! You can do it and in 6 months time, you'll look back on all this and cringe a little bit...

FG has a point Logan, and is the culmination of what we are all trying to tell you

If you put your toxic attachment to this abusive man before your children you will lost them one way or the other

I have minimal contact with both my parents even though they live only 3 miles away because my dad was an emotional abuser and my mum subjected her kids to the continued dydfunction through my childhood

She is still with him now and he still treats her like shit

Imagine being in your twilight years and the only person looking at you over the xmas dinner table is the piece of shit that drive your kids away

Sorry for typos, my phone Hates me

Thank you everyone I will take all your advice on board & be as good a mother as I can

FolkGirl made excellent points in all of those posts. OP isn't acting in her childrens' interests and despite saying that they're more important is moping about her ex (who had to be the one to end the relationship) rather than taking action to protect her children, especially her daughter, now.

Other OPs posting the same would not have received such a kind reception either. I don't know this one, haven't seen her posts before so to me, she's another conflicted mother who puts her man or herself-trying-to-hang-onto-him, first.

Cross posted with you then, OP, sorry.

I hope that things improve for you and your children very soon. You've had brilliant advice here.

I do not put him first or I'd be with him wouldn't I !!

You have been doing it though and going off what you have said and done here we are trying to help you not to do it again