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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Co-sleeping with teenage son

164 replies

FamilyXmas · 14/12/2014 16:10

I will be spending time over the hols with the relatives who do this. I've namechanged as they know I'm on mumsnet. The mother sleeps with one of her sons most nights. He is 16. Her husband sleeps in another room. I have no reason to believe they 'do anything' but am uncomfortable about it. AIBU?

Is it weird, abusive, or charmingly affectionate? Confused

OP posts:
Riverland · 15/12/2014 14:35

Worried by poor rootandbranch and no doubt other co sleepers reading this thread feeling concerned.

I think it's easy for non co sleepers to utterly fail to comprehend co sleepers.

I know plenty of co sleepers whose kids are always relaxed about co sleeping, regardless of their age and having migrated to their own bedrooms.

This particular family may have issues. But not all co sleepers are the same!

Don't worry rootandbranch. Often co sleeping kids migrate to their own rooms and are mobile about sleeping through teenage years, sleeping in various rooms in the house, for fun, and that includes the familiar bed they slept in as little kids.

In my experience they grow into relaxed teenagers who are good sleepers, good at sharing, and not territorial.

Sorry to interrupt the discussion, OP! Btw, if the mother you are discussing uses MN...won't she recognise you anyway, despite your name change, as her situation sounds pretty specific?

SunnyBaudelaire · 15/12/2014 14:36

thank you riverland - cosleeping is normal and not something done by 'narc' perverts and freaks, despite what you might read here.

ItIsSmallerOnTheOutside · 15/12/2014 14:38

Yes sunny and river that is what I was trying to say. Co-sleeping does not equal perverse or whatever, it may be in this case but equally may not be.

pinkfrocks · 15/12/2014 14:47

MrsMc it's not been firmly established that the son is sleeping with his mother for his own safety. You are wrong to assume that.
She could still be playing mind games with his father- not simply providing sanctuary.

OP I don't think it matters at all if your sis, mum, cousin, whoever reads this. It could be the wake-up call they need.

Zebrasandpapayas · 15/12/2014 14:51

"Is the mother still breasfeeding? [A little bit UKIP face]"
What a disgusting comment. Biscuit

Somethingtodo · 15/12/2014 15:08

I think the "co-sleepers" are coming across a bit hypersensitive and precious here? - hijacking the thread for their own irrational concerns about what others think about their life choice.

At no point has anyone said co-sleeping was an issue....

What everyone else is attempting to do is support the OPs concerns for the children in a complex and abusive context - narc mother violent father...

AskMeAnother · 15/12/2014 15:14

I think the "co-sleepers" are coming across a bit hypersensitive and precious here?
Not at all. Some of the views expressed in this thread are very negative. There is an undercurrent suggesting that a child in bed with a parent must be at risk of some kind of abuse. Co-sleeping is the natural way for human beings, we're social creatures. That is being overlooked.

Somethingtodo · 15/12/2014 15:16

There is an undercurrent suggesting that a child in bed with a parent must be at risk of some kind of abuse.

In this CONTEXT and set of circumstances - YES there is risk of emotional abuse.

SunnyBaudelaire · 15/12/2014 15:17

"- hijacking the thread for their own irrational concerns"
what 'irrational concerns' would those be then?

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 15/12/2014 15:18

You don't have to share a bed with everyone with whom you're social. Smile

AskMeAnother · 15/12/2014 15:21

Thank goodness!

PlumpingUpPartridge · 15/12/2014 15:59

Young child (i.e.

WillkommenBienvenue · 15/12/2014 16:10

A 16 year old is almost a fully fledged adult. It's absurd and wrong to sleep together.

OP I suggest you make the necessary calls to protect this young man and force this woman to face up to her reality before this becomes a very dysfunctional relationship which he then passes on to his own children.

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-protection-system/england/

WillkommenBienvenue · 15/12/2014 16:12

OP it's likely they are under SS radar already and if you report you will help build up a better picture for them (SS) to work with. Your information might be the missing piece of a puzzle.

RandomFriend · 15/12/2014 16:20

Juliejools, I don't think there is anything wrong with you nipping in with your mum for a night.

Rootandbranch I don't think there is any problem in co-sleeping with a nine-year-old, if that is his wish and you don't mind.

WillkommenBienvenue · 15/12/2014 16:34

OP your instincts are spot on here to try and support the oldest son to assert his emotional independence by giving the book, but it's going to be important to help his brothers too. What you said about the sibling rivalry is a classic symptom of a narc mother, it's in her interests to encourage it because it makes them more keen to please her. Most mothers try and treat their children as equals so there is no room for jealousy, most mothers encourage childrens independence. The divisiveness this woman is creating can sometimes be more damaging on children than physical abuse. SS ought to understand that and understand your concerns.

I think your position of being able to communicate with the boys is really good as you can at least give them a sense of perspective.

rookietherednosedreindeer · 15/12/2014 16:39

I may be missing some of the bigger points of this thread, but what I'd do at the very least is set up an additional camp bed in one of the rooms.

I don't know much about co-sleeping but it seems to me to be intrinsically wrong that a mother would regularily share a bed with her 16 year old son through choice when another sleeping arrangement is available.

Chandon · 15/12/2014 16:41

A friend of mine said her teenage son (18 now) likes to sleep in her bed and have a cuddle when he comes home drunk after a night out, and her husband is on his shift.

I have no concerns about him or her. They are very close.It happens a few times a year.

It sounds odd written down, but knowing them it isn't, if you see what I mean.

It is unusual, but is it sinister?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/12/2014 16:47

NeedsASockAmnesty - are you expressing an opinion of 'that's abusive' or do you have an official 'list of abusive situations' to which you can refer?

Its fairly obvious really placing a child in a situation where they feel the need to protect an adult from abuse is a well recognised form of child abuse one that children's services/nspcc routinely get and act on referrals for.

People do what they can to cope with the situations they are in

Yes they do but that does not make it any less of an abusive situation from that perspective.

Are you saying that's an acceptable position to place a child in?

rookietherednosedreindeer · 15/12/2014 16:55

Chandon - the ciccumstance you describe is different as that is not his default sleeping area. In what the OP descrives there is no other bed for the teenager to go to if he wants.

MrsMcRuff · 15/12/2014 17:00

it's not been firmly established that the son is sleeping with his mother for his own safety.

But neither has it been established that there is anything particularly abusive about the co-sleeping, other than it being unusual. What if the other option in this scenario - the son sleeping on his own in his own room - exposed him to the risk of being abused by the father? Sometimes families opt for the least worst option of a bad bunch just to survive. We have no idea.

pinkfrocks · 15/12/2014 17:04

Just stop digging Mrs Mc.!!!

There are numerous posts here that point out that this arrangement is emotionally abusive - at best.

If you cannot see that and insist on coming along with other 'well it could be worse scenarios' I feel sorry for your judgement.

Somethingtodo · 15/12/2014 19:42

Yep MrsMc - the OP has said that the boys have not been at risk of physical violence from the df since they were 14 yrs old - as they are now bigger than the df.

Marzipanface · 15/12/2014 20:22

What on earth is 'emotional incest'? Windywenceslas speaks the most sense on this thread. The mother and son are protecting one another.

MrsMcRuff · 15/12/2014 20:37

Just stop digging Mrs Mc.!!!

I don't really know what you mean by that. I wasn't having a dig at you, if that's what you thought. I was responding to a comment directed at me that I took issue with.

There are lots of posters who come on here and pontificate about this and that, as though they are a fly on the wall and know exactly what's happening in the lives of complete strangers, and 3rd hand at that, in this case. It's one thing to have an opinion, another to take the moral high ground and start slagging off those with a different viewpoint.

There are at least two sides to every story, and you are in no better position than I to make a judgement, let alone call mine into question.

it's not been firmly established that the son is sleeping with his mother for his own safety. You are wrong to assume that.

Where did I say that? I just put it forward as a possibility. I don't think I have made any assumptions. I am very careful to say could and would, because I don't know, and neither does anyone else!