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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Co-sleeping with teenage son

164 replies

FamilyXmas · 14/12/2014 16:10

I will be spending time over the hols with the relatives who do this. I've namechanged as they know I'm on mumsnet. The mother sleeps with one of her sons most nights. He is 16. Her husband sleeps in another room. I have no reason to believe they 'do anything' but am uncomfortable about it. AIBU?

Is it weird, abusive, or charmingly affectionate? Confused

OP posts:
Namechangeyetagaintohide · 15/12/2014 12:36

Yes I do think they would be interested. These children grew up in a violent home and the mother thinks it is appropriate to share a bed with her 16 year old son instead of her husband. At best it is setting him up for emotional problems and he may need therapy.

Windywenceslas · 15/12/2014 12:43

The eldest son already had issues by the sounds of it, but wants to talk and get to a better place. The youngest son also clearly has some issues as this behaviour is not the norm for our society. I doubt there's anything perverted about it, it's just not a healthy sounding home.

I think social services would be very interested in a family where the father was physically abusive toward his children and the mother failed to protect them. But that's got nothing to do with who sleeps where.

RiverTam · 15/12/2014 12:43

sunny - have you read all the OP's posts? Because they paint a rather alarming picture that is not obvious in her OP - violent/psychologically bullying father, narc mother, older brother clearly asking questions and showing concern, family closing ranks when concerns have been raised in the past.

Somethingtodo · 15/12/2014 12:45

Irish...

'morning wood', 'wet dreams', 'masturbation' - where this is mentioned on the thread - it has not suggested sexual abuse....just that this is normal and natural for a boy of this age -- and his privacy to experience 'morning wood', 'wet dreams', 'masturbation' should be respected by the mother.

No other person/adult would ever give up their privacy in this area.

SunnyBaudelaire · 15/12/2014 12:45

ok but trust me SS would not be interested due to the age range of the boys.

Somethingtodo · 15/12/2014 12:47

OP - when you talk about weird closeness to her sons -- is it flirty - inappropriate physical boundaries? This is classic narc mother behaviour with sons.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 15/12/2014 12:52

I understand that. I do. But there is an undertone here, as evidenced by the OP

I have no reason to believe they 'do anything' but am uncomfortable about it. AIBU?

What do the words 'do anything' suggest to you?

Tyzer85 · 15/12/2014 12:52

Is it wrong that I pictured the mother concerned as Norma Bates from Bates Motel?

I know that there are other issues that the OP has revealed and the mother has not tried to resolve them but I stand by my earlier post, Social Services need to be informed.

SunnyBaudelaire · 15/12/2014 12:53

Irishheart, those words suggest to me that a mother and son sharing a bed must be having an incestuous relationship , eg having sex.
fgs.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 15/12/2014 12:56

Yep, me too Sunny.

Original poster
FamilyXmas · 15/12/2014 13:00

Thanks to the posters who understand how this is emotionally difficult for me, too. Of 7 cousins in the 'close' branch of our family, I am the only one to have rejected its dynamics and made efforts to break free. You're never completely rid of it, as I have found by needing viper input on this issue. I'm permanently grateful for MN support!

I know the situation's not unique. It might be a good thing if she read the thread, along with members of other families doing the same. The fact that it's rarely discussed (the DC didn't tell their school friends when older) must say something about our society, but I don't know what. This particular family being part of mine, and everything I know about the verbal & physical abuse within it, motivates me to try to support any of the DC wanting to query the psychological mess they are in. Only the eldest has shown signs so far. Middle son is the 'invisible child'. He experienced the same as the other two but seems detached from the drama. He also lives away from home now, and will be working through the season. I don't see him much.

OP posts:
GarlicGiftsAndGlitter · 15/12/2014 13:01

This is classic narc mother behaviour with sons.

I agree.

Somethingtodo · 15/12/2014 13:06

I have no reason to believe they 'do anything' but am uncomfortable about it. AIBU?

The phrase above does not imply the OP is saying incest is definite!

No one knows how far situation goes apart from the Mother and son.

We know for sure that she does not acknowledge or respect his need for privacy as a developing teenager.... even though it would be normal to afford a consenting sexual partner privacy for 'morning wood', 'wet dreams', 'masturbation' ..!

This situation is not in the best interests of this child.

Somethingtodo · 15/12/2014 13:09

How would we respond if the parent was a male?

BuzzardBirdRoast · 15/12/2014 13:10

I would imagine the poor woman feels anxious and can't say I wouldn't want to protect my children in the same way...although I would've kicked his ass out long before now and then the dcs could grow up in a home with no fear of abuse.

Somethingtodo · 15/12/2014 13:13

Buzz - a good point as explored up thread -- however two wrongs dont make a right.

ItIsSmallerOnTheOutside · 15/12/2014 13:13

The mum isn't forcing him though, or is she? You mentioned that the son does have his own room, in which case could he not be going in with her of his own accord? Probably due to fears because of his past with the violent dad.

It is hard to say without knowing the exact situation, but presuming that he isn't being forced into her bed then I would imagine he will grow out of it eventually. Some children take longer to mature than others.

I just think the idea that this is disgusting and will inevitably lead to him being psychologically damaged for the rest of his life are slightly far-fetched. If he is damaged it's more likely to be because of everything else that has happened, not this.

Somethingtodo · 15/12/2014 13:19

ItIs - narcs "groom" their targets - he doesnt need a bullet to his head.

  • why is the space, respect and privacy to experience and explore his developing natural sexuality denied?
ItIsSmallerOnTheOutside · 15/12/2014 13:21

I understand but I am saying it sounded to me like his room is available if he wished to use it. He could be going to her room without any pressure(or grooming) whatsoever. It wouldn't be unheard of.

ItIsSmallerOnTheOutside · 15/12/2014 13:23

I feel as though there wouldn't be as much hostility towards the situation if this was a daughter not a son. And girls have just as much need to explore their sexuality. As I said people mature at different ages. His fears and need for closeness/stabilty at night may trump everything else.

Somethingtodo · 15/12/2014 13:24

Exactly - and maybe he isnt going to his own room because of subtle grooming/pressure?

ItIsSmallerOnTheOutside · 15/12/2014 13:25

Yes maybe he is or maybe he isn't. We can't really tell from this thread.

Somethingtodo · 15/12/2014 13:26

But from OP -- it appears that it is entirely the Mothers needs that are being met....looks like she is engineering a dependancy (another classic narc behaviour) she did this with her other 2 ds - and at least one has voiced concerns to the OP.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 15/12/2014 13:33

The phrase above does not imply the OP is saying incest is definite!

No, I agree, it doesn't state anything 'definitely' thus it is open to interpretation.

OP. Apologies I will exit thread left now as I don't think my contribution is helping you at all, just distracting from the support you need. Best wishes.

MrsMcRuff · 15/12/2014 13:37

If the 16 yr old is still afraid of his father, then he might choose to sleep in his mum's bed for safety. For all we know, they have a bolster down the middle. He would have ample opportunity to 'explore his sexuality' in his own room during the day. It's not confined to night-time y'know!

Whatever the truth of the matter - and we shall never know - calling in SS now would be a futile attempt to shut the stable door way after the horse had well and truly bolted. This will run its course, and the dc will have to make the best of it, as do all dc who have, to paraphrase Philip Larkin, been fucked up by their mum and dad.

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