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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Co-sleeping with teenage son

164 replies

FamilyXmas · 14/12/2014 16:10

I will be spending time over the hols with the relatives who do this. I've namechanged as they know I'm on mumsnet. The mother sleeps with one of her sons most nights. He is 16. Her husband sleeps in another room. I have no reason to believe they 'do anything' but am uncomfortable about it. AIBU?

Is it weird, abusive, or charmingly affectionate? Confused

OP posts:
Somethingtodo · 15/12/2014 10:51

She can continue to support the older ds who approaches her for insight - by being even more proactive and with a 3rd party endorsement ie the book - so that she is showing to him what has happened in an non personal way iyswim and he can look to recovery.

I think the OP is treading a tight-rope with narc mother, violent father, youngest son in denial (or just too young to know) - she will be closed out again. But she does have an opportunity to focus on the older ds who then maybe able to manage this tight-rope more effectively - if he chooses to.

BertieBotts · 15/12/2014 10:56

Are people assuming they're cuddling up? Because I would have shared a bed with my mother at that age if need be, I know I'm a girl and he's a boy but I don't think it's that strange. You can easily sleep separately in a double bed. Not getting all the outrage, TBH, surely at 16 he could choose to sleep on the sofa or something if it bothered him.

Obv if there's other stuff going on then fair enough (I like the toxic parents book suggestion) but I don't think that sharing a bed on holiday when space is tight is anything sinister at all.

pinkfrocks · 15/12/2014 11:03

Bertie- have you got teenage sons? Because if you haven't then you have no idea- or no imagination.

My DM shared a bed with her mother until she got married at 21- they had a 2-bed house and her brother had the 2nd bedroom. When her father was alive her parents slept on a sofa bed.

That was in the days when if you had a council house you thanked god- and didn't ask for a bigger one because you were expected to make do somehow.

A woman sharing with a teenage son is totally different.
You do know that all teens have wet dreams, don't you?

BertieBotts · 15/12/2014 11:28

Yes but if you're not cuddled up then it's just like having two twin beds together. And wet dreams aren't every night are they? Adult/teenage women have period accidents.

I don't have a teenage son but I doubt every single one of the 50 posters on this thread does either.

I'm not saying everyone would want to do it I'm just saying I don't think it screams child abuse. Perhaps I will think differently when my DS is older.

SunnyBaudelaire · 15/12/2014 11:32

actually my 16 year old boy was in my bed last night. There I said it.
I did kick him out after a while though, it was too weird.

VerityWaves · 15/12/2014 11:39

My old boss used to do this with her son at 17. She was constantly talking about his body in a v intimate way she was so involved. The relationship was v odd and he eventually was expelled from his school for quite extreme behaviour.

SnakeyMcBadass · 15/12/2014 11:39

I have two DSs, 14 and 11. If one of them was very, very ill I'd ask them if they wanted to sleep in with me, but the eldest would probably decline. Both boys will jump in their father's side at the weekend when he gets up to have a chat and cuddle the dog. But they are very much on the other side of the bed, and everyone is clothed. This set up sounds harmful to the teen.

pinkfrocks · 15/12/2014 11:43

Yes but if you're not cuddled up then it's just like having two twin beds together.

No. It's not.

People of all ages and genders sometimes have a twin bed arrangement on holidays or when sleeping over with family.

I had a teenage son who is now an adult. I cannot imagine another more odd than sleeping with him when he was 16, bumping into him in the night and him waking with a morning erection which is normal for 99% of men ( and teenager boys.)

MrsMcRuff · 15/12/2014 11:43

Your post is full of negatives Mrs Mc!

I don't think I'm being negative, just realistic!

I only say the 16yr old might deny it, because even when the children were younger, and the police were informed about the father's violence towards them, the family 'closed ranks'.

I'm assuming the mother is a close relative of the op's, so probably not as easy as it seems to have no contact, even if op doesn't like what she does. The fact that the op is still invited to stay, and contemplates staying with her relatives, having on a previous occasion reported them to the police, indicates to me that the ties must be pretty strong.

I have 3 ds, two of them adults (after a fashion!), and cannot envisage this bed-share arrangement happening in our family under any circumstaces, so am not under any illusion, but I do think that the inextricable complications of some family relationships are often underestimated on here.

MrsMcRuff · 15/12/2014 11:45

*circumstances!

daisychain01 · 15/12/2014 11:48

I came on to say what MrsMcRuff mentioned - that any attempt to discuss the matter with the DSs could be met with denial. They could be very loyal to their DM (often the case).

However, despite that risk and possibility, it would definitely be a good thing to raise their awareness. They are young men with their lives ahead of them - at least if you say something informative, but with kindness, they could take it on board, even if they can't do anything at the moment.

I am not an expert but my gut instinct would tell me that, at that age, co-sleeping is 'putting a sticky plaster' over a much more serious and far-reaching problem....

daisychain01 · 15/12/2014 11:49

you aren't being negative MrsM, but very constructive and realistic.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 15/12/2014 11:54

I have skimmed the thread and it seems that there may be familial issues that are a particular concern in this matter.

However, all things being equal, I can't see the problem with co-sleeping with an older child. Maybe 16 is the limit, but in other cultures it is not uncommon for children to co-sleep with their parents up to the age of 13. Japan springs to mind.

I think immediately assuming that something sexually abusive is occurring is rather ignorant.

SunnyBaudelaire · 15/12/2014 11:57

I agree Irishbloodenglishheart - why does everything have to be made sexual and weird? Families have always slept together. Last night after I kicked the son out his twin sister and the dog crept in and we all fell asleep together . so what? Am I guilty of incest and bestiality? or are we a normal family?

cheeseandpineapple · 15/12/2014 12:04

OP, you might have name changed but isn't this going to be instantly recognisable to anyone who co sleeps with their teenage son and catches sight of the title, assuming your relative is also on MN?

pinkfrocks · 15/12/2014 12:15

No one is assuming sexual abuse is happening. I don't think it is. If you are reading that into the thread then you are being pretty dim.

This is a case of emotional abuse; a mother using her son as a protector or creating an unhealthy emotional bond because she doesn't have that with her husband.

To me, and I've a lot of experience working with teens as well as being a parent, I am shocked that a 16 yr old boy would want this- which seems to show how fucked up his head is already. Be very interested to know if he shares this info with his friends at school.

And there is no point talking about other cultures BUT the point is that in some cultures you mention it stops at 13; why? Because that is the average age of puberty.

I am wondering if this is an aunt posting or even an older daughter writing about her own mother. Got to be one or the other, or a cousin.

SunnyBaudelaire · 15/12/2014 12:15

no i am not being 'dim' thank you - read some of the comments!

Windywenceslas · 15/12/2014 12:20

Oh this is so sad. My first reaction was that there must be a reason why the son wants to sleep with his mother and it looks like he's scared of his dad or she's trying to protect him from his dad. Sadly the only way to protect DCs from a violent father is to remove the father from the home, but she sounds dysfunctional and is clearly not prepared to do that.

A very sad situation all round, but over Christmas, when drink is free flowing and domestic violence generally hits it's peak, maybe his mother's bed is the best place for him, under these screwed up circumstances. Very very sad set up.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 15/12/2014 12:25

Hmmm. I may not be the brightest bulb in the chandelier but I did preface my post by saying that there may be familial issues which cause particular concern in this case and I am not disputing the possibility of emotional abuse.

However, the rest of my post was really focussed on the more general attitude to co-sleeping with an older child as something bordering on perverted. The subtext on this thread very much points to that view what with comments about 'morning wood', 'wet dreams', 'masturbation' etc etc. Even if people aren't stating it explicitly, the language being used suggests they are thinking it.

Tyzer85 · 15/12/2014 12:31

Social Services need to be informed, the poor kid must already be messed up if he doesn't have a problem with it.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 15/12/2014 12:32

In Japan it is not uncommon for 15 year olds to remain in the family bed. And yes, I am aware of the significance of the age of 13 in this situation but there are plenty of people who would think co-sleeping with a 13 year old was weird.

Just to clarify, I am not commenting on the OP's case, just putting another view out there other than bonkers, weird, sick etc. You know, just in case there are parents out there who are still co-sleeping and feel, reading this, that they are doing something wrong.

SunnyBaudelaire · 15/12/2014 12:32

oh fgs do you really think SS would be interested?
Get a grip please

GoatsDoRoam · 15/12/2014 12:33

This is very sad and wrong. Those boys are going to need years of therapy -- and that's the best outcome. The likeliest outcome is that they will enter into seriously dysfunctional adult relationships of their own, and pass the dysfunction on to their own children.

OP, their parents are clearly beyond hope, so I would recommend that you use the family holidays to see if any of the boys will open up to you. Ask them open questions. Validate their feelings, if ever they express unhappiness or unease at what goes on at home. Show them that you are there if they ever need to talk.

Poor kids.

Namechangeyetagaintohide · 15/12/2014 12:34

I think OP should be having a word with social services.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 15/12/2014 12:35

If there is any form of abuse going on in a home then the correct authorities need to be informed regardless of how much you like the person. It'll only worsen later on in time

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