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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Co-sleeping with teenage son

164 replies

FamilyXmas · 14/12/2014 16:10

I will be spending time over the hols with the relatives who do this. I've namechanged as they know I'm on mumsnet. The mother sleeps with one of her sons most nights. He is 16. Her husband sleeps in another room. I have no reason to believe they 'do anything' but am uncomfortable about it. AIBU?

Is it weird, abusive, or charmingly affectionate? Confused

OP posts:
pinkfrocks · 15/12/2014 13:38

I take exception to some posters trying to make some kind of point about the mentioning of masturbation and wet dreams. These are normal and natural events in the lives of most- if not all- teenage boys.

This has nothing to do with the mother abusing him in a sexual way- she isn't IMO- but it's about him being denied the privacy that ought to be afforded so he can develop and be unashamed of his own sexuality away from his mother!

I doubt this is a classic Oedipus complex situation- because there the boy is proactive in sexualising his relationship with his mother to protect her from his father and feels jealous of the father.

But it is certainly the basis for many psychological issues that will I am sure need years of therapy at some point.

Someone needs to put a bomb up the mother and if SS aren't involved then an anon letter or or even a discussion with a sympathetic GP to ask where to go next on this would help.

AskMeAnother · 15/12/2014 13:39

How many of the people who are assuming abuse are experienced co-sleepers?

It might look different to people like me who snuggled in with parents when I could during my childhood, and who had dd sleeping in my bed routinely in her childhood.

pinkfrocks · 15/12/2014 13:40

I really dislike your ' let's just sit back and watch this all happen, we are powerless' approach Mrs Mc.

Somethingtodo · 15/12/2014 13:48

Ask....no one has assumed sexual abuse - people are pointing out potential emotional abuse....many of us co-sleep with our "children" - I never sent mine back to their own beds when the wandered in to ours in need of comfort....but every night with a 16 year old - surely the responsibility of the mother at this point is to encourage confidence not stifle it?

Op has said that df does not now present a physical threat as the boys are bigger than him.

It is all pointing to classic narc behaviour from Mother to sons which is abuse.

MrsMcRuff · 15/12/2014 13:49

Well I'm sorry about that, pink, but I dislike your 'all you have to do is report it to SS, and everything will be fine and dandy' approach. And if you think I've misrepresented you, the feeling's mutual.

ItIsSmallerOnTheOutside · 15/12/2014 13:52

Something I've seen no indication older two were forced or groomed to share the bed. Equally likely they did for comfort etc and naturally grew out of it. If the dad was beating them it makes a lot of sense that they would choose to stick together.

Am not surprised eldest is voicing concerns. His father beat him and his brothers and his mother stayed with the father while he did it.

Anyway we can't tell from this thread, I just wanted to point out that the bed sharing wasn't necessarily as unusual or sinister as some seem to suggest.

Juliejools89 · 15/12/2014 13:53

Can I ask something?
Over Christmas I'm staying with my parents- dad sleeps in his own bed because of health issues, my son will have his own bed, and I'll hop I with my mum for a night. I'm 25. Is the issue here he is a teenager, he is a boy, or that OP is harbouring a suspicion of sorts?

gottafindaman4yagirl · 15/12/2014 13:57

Its up to the mother to set boundaries. I have a very sweet and loving 10 yr old son. I'm a single mum, my son when unwell wants to get in my bed, he would like to when not. I refuse and just say I cant sleep with him kicking around. I really want him to be independent and find comfort in his own bed. I am a very loving and give my kids cuddles but I draw the line at sharing my bed.

GoatsDoRoam · 15/12/2014 13:58

Being raised by a parent who has no respect for boundaries is all kinds of damaging, Itis. It teaches children that their needs and their feelings do not matter, making them easy targets for manipulation and abuse. It leads to very heavy psychological damage - do not dismiss it so casually.

And bear in mind that children accept what their parents say and do as "normal", and that children whose boundaries have been trampled on find it nearly impossible to stand up to a parent, and to assert their own needs. So your statement that the boy could easily sleep alone if he chose to is off the mark.

These boys have two parents who stamp on their boundaries: one through violence, and another through what looks a lot like emotional incest (using the child for the parent's own emotional needs).

OP: does your gut say that she is sleeping with her sons to protect them from random acts of violence by her husband, or to provide herself with the love and comfort she does not get from her husband?

(You report her saying "Everybody should do it!" which makes me think it's the latter. Which is indeed quite narcissistic, and making it all about her needs, rather than her sons' needs.)

Rootandbranch · 15/12/2014 14:00

My 9 year old ds loves to sleep with me.

I'm not sure he'll grow out of it.

We're very close.

I've read this thread now and feel a bit sick.

Original poster
FamilyXmas · 15/12/2014 14:06

I get where you're coming from pink, but the mother is bomb proof. I took the most drastic step available when DC were younger, to no avail. She has had a key to my house for 18 years, explicitly so she'd have somewhere to go if she left the marriage. She has never used it. In her own strange way, this is how she likes her life. It might be more exact to say this is the only way she knows how to manage her life? She stopped confiding in me after I called the police.

Things being so, all I can do is sit back - and adjust my responses in any manner that might help DC, which is why I posted. I will give the book to DS1. That will cause a few explosions by itself, if he reads it.

OP posts:
Original poster
FamilyXmas · 15/12/2014 14:09

Goats, instinct says for her own emotional needs :( Protection may have been a self-justification, I'm not sure.

OP posts:
AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 15/12/2014 14:11

Is the mother still breasfeeding? [A little bit UKIP face]

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter · 15/12/2014 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter · 15/12/2014 14:12

Haha, Alpha Shock Grin

GoatsDoRoam · 15/12/2014 14:14

Poor lad.

Perhaps he should be the one with a key to your house.

pinkfrocks · 15/12/2014 14:14

Have you thought about taking your key back OP?
If the marriage is that bad or she feels at risk, that ought to be addressed rather than just providing a bolt hole for her.
I know I am not you, but from the outside as a stranger with no knowledge of you or her, I'd be saying that I do not want to be a part of the set-up any more where you are offering shelter if she is unsafe, but in the meantime she uses her son for emotional and physical support- and presumably to drive a wedge between him and his father by making the father jealous.

If the marriage is that dysfunctional you'd be helping everyone more to help her get out of it- rather than using her children in the way she does, which is emotional abuse- though she sounds too dim to see that.

AskMeAnother · 15/12/2014 14:17

Ask....no one has assumed sexual abuse
and I didn't say they had. I was thinking of spousification, or a narc mother.

AskMeAnother · 15/12/2014 14:20

Rootandbranch Don't let other people's opinions stop you doing what seems right for you and your son. This is where we have to be stronger than other people. To raise secure adults we have to take some radical decisions.

MrsMcRuff · 15/12/2014 14:23

and presumably to drive a wedge between him and his father by making the father jealous.

Confused

Any wedge between the son and his father was surely driven by the father being so physically abusive to his dc, that the op reported it to the police.

cardamomginger · 15/12/2014 14:28

I'd hesitate to say that this could never be perfectly OK and not detrimental to any of the familial relationships. But the balance of probability is that this is at the very least unhealthy and extremely odd.

cardamomginger · 15/12/2014 14:31

OP - you might want to get this thread deleted. Even though you have NC-ed, if your relatives are on MN too and this thread shows up in active-convos, they're going to know it's you. Probably.

Somethingtodo · 15/12/2014 14:34

Ask...Yes - looks like the OP is thinking along this line of abuse....

OP: 14 Dec@17;47

"Spousification is the word I was looking for. She has done it but not, afaict, to the extent of physical sexual abuse. If they ever go to a therapist whe..."

Original poster
FamilyXmas · 15/12/2014 14:34

Not a bad idea. Thank you, everybody, I feel better 'armed' now and stronger Thanks

OP posts:
ItIsSmallerOnTheOutside · 15/12/2014 14:34

Being raised by a parent who has no respect for boundaries is all kinds of damaging, Itis. It teaches children that their needs and their feelings do not matter, making them easy targets for manipulation and abuse. It leads to very heavy psychological damage - do not dismiss it so casually.

Yes goats but I wasn't dismissing it. Merely saying that we don't know the exact circumstances and that sharing a bed isn't the weirdest thing in the world especially given the violent background.