not expecting too much sympathy

[moviebuffer]

hi - im really not expecting too much sympathy but im feeling desperately sad and lonely and i do need to speak about this.
im having an affair with a married colleague - he has 3 kids. i am also married to a wonderful man with no kids.
we started by sending flirty texts to each other and it graduated into meet-ups and then developed into a sexual relationship. unfortunately i have fallen for this guy and the guilt and trauma are killing me. i cant keep away from him and im constantly watching to make sure he isnt flirting with anyone else or talking too much to the other women in the workplace. i know what many people will say - that im a slut and a home wrecker but im so in love with this man and he knows it. i dont know what to do.

Dear MovieBuffer!
Please get some books about affairs- the one that speak about the feelings of the betrayed spouse- their sufferings are heartbreaking. I know it. I am going through it. Read also about the impact of the affair on all the family and the kids. Read about how much the spouse who had an affair regretted to not have fully considered all the negative consequences of the affair on his beloved ones. If it is not enough to deter you from pursuing the affair- to strengthen you against your feelings and attraction for this married man, then maybe - just maybe- you must consider going first of all to your P- to get some pills against obsession etc. They will help you break the obsessive behavior you are developing for this other man. They might also provide enough dopamine for you not to need the extra adrenalin that comes from your 'intense' attraction to this man. You have three kids and a lovely husband - yet you find yourself fully absorbed by this other man. It might be that the affair boosts your dopamine. Lack of dopamine release can also foster obsessional thinking. So I would suggest that:
1- You go to the GP- there are mild-antidepressants that help with obsessional thinking- ADD- depression; be aware: if you take them the first couple of weeks will even drown you deeper in negative thoughts- you have to keep telling yourself that this is temporary- you have to be able to find good friends to help you through- the women on this site will help you- they are wonderful- they helped me a lot-
2- After the couple of awful first weeks of your medication- or during them- read books about affairs. Read serious ones. You can find a lot of sites about affairs online and a lot of advised books online.
1 and 2 above might result in 3 or 4 below:
3- This might help you replacing your obsessive feelings toward this other man, by some more deep and caring thoughts toward your family- kids and husband. You might at this point break up with the other man and go 'solo' to some counseling, to find out how to disclose this affair to your husband.
4- The anti-depressants alone might have the effect to help you see more clearly at your situation and you might realize that the thought of remaining in your current marriage is unbearable to you and the affair was just a way to escape it. In this case you must be honest, stop the affair and start talking to your husband about your marriage (leave the affair in the shadow- as it is just a symptom).Go both your husband and yourself to counseling and see whether you can salvage or not your marriage.
In any case, you must stop this affair. Either work on your marriage or get divorced and find someone else that will suit better.
Remember: thinking about the family - keeping it together- getting old with the same person can be powerful, and working both you and your spouse to improve your relationships is very rewarding. But first you need to go to a GP. Maybe your obsessional behavior and your constant lingering guilt feelings are the result of exhaustion (3 kids and a job!!!!!) or of lack of dopamine (that might occur for no apparent reason, just because of the way our chemistry works or the way our brain is wired). Nothing to be ashamed. And I believe you must treat this first.
Good Luck!

I got something wrong in the previous post (many things surely- but one is blatantly obvious): I implied that you have 3 kids whilst it is the other man who is a father. So you might be exhausted not because of the kids but because of the job and other stuff in life-
About the kids: you have none- Did you choose to have none or no? Here might also lye the reason of your attraction to a married father.
Good Luck to all people involved (A woman has also been obsessed with my 4 kids father and built a web of lies until she became pregnant of him.... Not easy for me or for my kids. 'My' husband and the other child suffer the most. I am strong and I strengthen my kids- still something has died in us...)

I got something wrong in the previous post (many things surely- but one is blatantly obvious): I implied that you have 3 kids whilst it is the other man who is a father. So you might be exhausted not because of the kids but because of the job and other stuff in life-
About the kids: you have none- Did you choose to have none or no? Here might also lye the reason of your attraction to a married father.
Good Luck to all people involved (A woman has also been obsessed with my 4 kids father and built a web of lies until she became pregnant of him.... Not easy for me or for my kids. 'My' husband and the other child suffer the most. I am strong and I strengthen my kids- still something has died in us...)

I get tired of reading about the fall out and destroying children's lives as if it's automatic.

My close friends' parents all had affairs- sometimes 1 parent, sometimes both, and so did my DP's- for years.

None of them was devastated and all stood by both parents until that parent died.

I don't think affairs are right, but I do object to so-called 'truths' being posted here when in fact they are opinions.

He might be treating you oh so wonderfully but he is being a right twat to his wife.

Pinkfrocks, so it happened to a few people you know and they're fine, whoop-de-doo. It's not always the case though is it? Just because they stuck by their parents doesn't mean they haven't been affected. I speak as someone with experience.

OP should be thinking about his kids and the effect it will have on them if they're caught. It's unlikely not to affect them at all.

Does he know your real age re January's post ? Sorry if it's been asked before.

Pinkfrocks, I completely agree.

Windy:First, I need to make is clear I am not arguing for affairs. And I accept that there is a range of experiences. But it's not that I know a few people- it's many, many families I've known throughout my rather long life, including neighbours, friends, close family, colleagues, and so on. To be realistic, young children would only know about their parents' love lives if the parents chose to share it ( or tactless neighbours etc gossiped in earshot) and confided in them and the affair resulted in a divorce.

What I object to is the notion that there is only one outcome - ie all children scarred for life. This is not the case and it's disingenuous for posters write this. Children can often take these things very philosophically and a great deal depends on how their parents explain things to them.

Obviously I have sympathy with families where an affair has broken up a marriage, but it's not right to say that children always suffer, especially if they know nothing about it all.

Fair enough, but I'm not saying they'll be scarred for life, but they will be affected. Depending on the age of the child it's likely to be impossible to hide the truth from them indefinitely, only very young children would be able to be completely protected from it.

I agree pinkfroks. It is not a given by any stretch that the kids will suffer long term. One is inclined to ask whether, in this particular case, they would better off without their philandering father long term. Everyone is jumping on the OP but he is the real bastard in all of this. How he can go home at night and face his children is beyond me. Evil

Of course he's the bigger bastard, and many many posters have pointed this out to the OP as a reason she should stay away from him. But he's not on this forum asking for advice, she is, so all we can do is appeal to her better nature and advise her to see this situation for what it is and end it.

Perhaps the children won't be affected, who knows, but it's useful to point out to the OP that they are being shat all over too, in the hope she'll see the wider picture here.

I think the OP should absolutely be thinking of the impact of HIS and HER actions on the children.

Yes he's a twat for doing this to his children and wife. But she is knowingly doing this, compared to if he'd lied (a bit more) and pretended he was single and then she found out. She completely knew what she was doing when she entered into a relationship with him.

And some harsh truths may help her to put an end to it.

Windy- why would it be impossible to hide it from the children? Unless the parents are silly enough to argue about it openly or divorce ( should it ever come to light- and it may well not) then the children won't know. Why would a parent choose to share that kind of detail with their children unless to turn them against the 'guilty' party?

And I don't go along with the idea of 'oh they will know something is up' because they may well not; men especially are very good at compartmentalising their lives and although this one is a shit, he may well be a superb dad when he's with his kids and wife.

I think the OP is in a hole and should stop seeing him; but his family is his responsibility, not hers.

Children are very perceptive. Your friends knew what their parents did. You don't need to tell a child for them to figure it out.

Children are likely to know something is up, even if they don't know what. It is impossible to totally hide a broken heart or tensions between parents. Sensing that there is something wrong, but being told that there isn't is very damaging. I think the effects on children aren't a million miles away from gas lighting even if the intention is to protect, not harm. What you end up doing is teaching children not to believe their own judgement.

It doesn't matter why it started, who started it, what you're getting out of it, or that you say you love your husband.

You know it's wrong. You know you are hurting innocent people. And you know that there's a 99% chance that it will all blow up in your face. Somewhere, right now, there is a friend or coworker who either knows or is extremely suspicious. And that same person is more than likely seriously contemplating how to tell your husband, or your OM's wife. And then she will find a way to tell your husband.

Either end it now or set your husband free to find someone who will be faithful to him.

I've seen the devastation that infidelity wreaks on a marriage and the terrible pain it causes the wronged partner. It nearly destroyed my cousin.

If you truly love your husband, you will do the right thing. If you don't, then you really don't love him, do you?

No windy children are not always perceptive; tell me how they would know that if dad came home late one night when they were asleep, he's been seeing the OW? Parents can not get on and be distant with each other for all kinds of reasons- not just affairs.
As for my friends- I told you earlier I wasn't talking just about friends - but in any case they were teens or older, not toddlers.

Well of course the age of the child makes a difference. But if he gets caught and his wife boots him out, do you they won't notice?

Balding ballerina your comments were sexist. You said the guy was only fucking her because she allowed it and other women would have turned him down first.

Is that what you say to men who cheat? That the MW is just shagging them randomly and will shag pretty much anybody who allows it?

Really?

I've never heard this view on here, or in RL. But I'm wearily familiar with the sexual slating of women who have affairs. Your scenario makes married men the prize, with their beloved wives held as the precious commodity who must not be hurt. Yet the OP has been accused of not loving her husband, as she is cheating on him.

I'm sorry about what happened in your own relationship, but it hardly seems fair to project it onto others.

windy But if he gets caught and his wife boots him out, do you they won't notice?

Suggest you read my post at 15.56.
I covered that. I think my posts have been balanced and sensible because all I wanted to say was that it is not a given that all children will find out or be scarred or damaged.

Morris you've accused me of sexism a few times now and it's getting old. If you don't understand the word your probably best not using it. Didn't you initially accuse me of sexism regarding the term affirming down ? Didn't you claim to KNOW that the Op didn't feel she was doing that ? Because she openly says that's what she's doing . I don't think she needs you to decide how she feels. Don't paint yourself as a woman's champion while your telling other women what they feel and accusing women of sexism .

So in regards to the latest accusation of sexism YES I would say that to men who cheat . Why wouldn't I ? And you have NEVER heard of the idea that cheaters shag randomly ? Utter bullshit.

Quit the sexist accusations. Quit all the twisting of my words into something sinister. Quit the accusations that I'm projecting. Your starting to sound fucking stupid.

The scenario I described didn't at any point state that men are the prize with wives as the commodity. Don't put words in my mouth. That's your twisted interpretation. If you want to debate something I've said then do . I'm willing to debate it but not willing to be subjected to being accused of sexism by you every time I post.

If you are offended by the term affairing down then why don't you take it up with the Op ? I merely mentioned it and was accused of sexism. The Op acknowledges that's exactly what she's doing and your response is oh cross post.

So which is it ? Is it sexist to mention it ? Or is it sexist to actually do it ?

Thinking about this a bit more Morris I don't think I've at any time indicated that mm is the prize. I think I've made it clear it's my opinion he's anything but.

However it's fairly clear that the Op DOES see him as the prize. So again , if that offends you and you find that sexist debate that with the Op. The only person who acknowledges that she's affairing down is the Op. The only person who sees mm as the prize is the Op. The only person who views the wife in the way you describe is you. And the Op.

You may want to reveiw those sexism accusations.