not expecting too much sympathy

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hi - im really not expecting too much sympathy but im feeling desperately sad and lonely and i do need to speak about this.
im having an affair with a married colleague - he has 3 kids. i am also married to a wonderful man with no kids.
we started by sending flirty texts to each other and it graduated into meet-ups and then developed into a sexual relationship. unfortunately i have fallen for this guy and the guilt and trauma are killing me. i cant keep away from him and im constantly watching to make sure he isnt flirting with anyone else or talking too much to the other women in the workplace. i know what many people will say - that im a slut and a home wrecker but im so in love with this man and he knows it. i dont know what to do.

Counselling might help you understand why you went down this path. If you are newly-ish married then you need to accept that over a lifetime you will meet men who 'do it for you' but you don't have to act on those desires.

I'd not tell your DH- you will have to learn to live with the guilt and the loss of the OM. There is nothing to be gained by telling him ( though others will say differently here, I know) other than easing your conscience and hurting him deeply. It may break up your marriage if he knew but if that is what you want it's better to leave anyway.

IMO everyone is allowed one mistake but it depends on how you deal with it and follow through.

The OM is not worth your time and energy. He's married with 3 kids. Unless you are the love of his life and he's willing to divorce and start over with you - and take all the shit that will cause on the chin- then you are just a fling. You are worth more.

Stop kidding yourself that you are powerless and helpless to stop this "I can't keep away from him" is really "I don't want to keep away from him"

Take a look at your self esteem here, IME affairs happen when someone is feeling shit about themselves and enjoy the boost that the attention of an affair brings them.

Its said a lot on MN that it is the man who has the commitment to the wife therefore the other woman shouldn't be blamed. But I would say in this case, you knew he was married, you knew he had children yet you still chose to have sex with this man. That does make you a bad person I'm afraid.

And IME a married man who is having an affair isn't there for love or romance or uncontrollable lust, hes there because his own needs are his top priority and the OW gets to be a bit player in his glorified wank. None of his feelings in this are about you, whatever he tells you, it's all about how it makes him feel.

If you are a good person, tell your husband, he has every right to know just who he's married to. Start applying for new jobs. Stop thinking you mean anything to this man. Cut all contact. Go to counselling on your own and figure out what is making you so unhappy in your own life that you would go down this route.

OP- how would you feel if your husband was shagging around behind your back?

Oh and people at work will find out eventually. He'll tell everyone that you pursued him, wouldn't leave him alone. He'll come out of it badly, of course, but you'll be the home-wreaking slut that everyone gossips about and doesn't want to introduce their partners to. It's not fair, but it's what will happen. You'll be the bad guy, he'll be the victim. Your professional reputation will be left in tatters, he'll survive albeit with a bit of gossip behind his back.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, there's absolutely no point having morals and principles if you abandon them at the first whiff of opportunity.

i know that i will end up with a broken heart over this man. it is hard to explain but i also really do love my hubby. i feel pathetic and i know some of the comments about him blaming me will probably happen. its odd when i look at myself from above and i see this pathetic creature desperately waiting for a married man to text her and feeling like shit until he does. i know i am a good person even though i may not be showing it at the moment and i will find the strength to do the right thing.

If only life were as easy as that. It isn't always for everyone. I don't think there is any evidence that the OP abandoned her morals at the first whiff of opportunity, she says she's been with her partner for 11 years. The fact is she realises what she's doing is wrong and wants it to stop. There's been some good advice here OP. I would also counsel against telling your DP. Having been "confessed to" I'm not sure it did anything other than destroy me and make me doubt every instinct I ever had. We stayed together, I believe it was a one-off mistake, but I lost my innocence.

i dont think i could ever leave my husband - i really do love him and we have been together 11 years.

You might not have any choice in the matter if he finds out you've been fucking someone else. You've betrayed him in the worst possible way. Why are you so sure he will forgive you, or are you hoping he never finds out?

My previous message was not aimed at you OP, but earlier posters. Try to be strong. Keep busy is an old fashioned piece of advice, but one worth following. Go to the gym, for long walks. Stay busy and stay away from the OM.

I totally get that you can love two people at the same time. It's going to be really hard to get over the other Man. But you have to make a choice and do it, even if it breaks your heart. A counsellor will help you deal with the fallout.

But you need to tell your husband - because it is the only decent thing to do. And face the consequences. Maybe he will forgive you, maybe he won't. You cannot have a healthy marriage with that kind of secret. You have the best chance of him forgiving you if you admit it and tell him you are seeking help, not getting caught, or him finding out years later and thinking his whole life is a lie.

The OP knows this isn't her finest hour folks, so I don't think beating her up is going to achieve much. We have all done things we are not proud of and if she really didn't care, she wouldn't have bothered to come on here to talk to us (and I am saying that as someone who had her heart and self-esteem well and truly trashed by an ex DP cheating).

So can I ask, OP what did you hope to achieve by talking to us today? You knew you were going to get a flaming, but you did it anyway. Why?

hi ocelot41, of course i knew i was going to get a hard time on this site but i really needed to 'confess' to someone. i care deeply about the situation and unfortunately life isnt always black and white and i have found to my detriment that i am not the person i thought i was. i didnt just jump into bed with this guy, that point developed over a year or so of chatting, meeting for coffee etc. i m not trying to justify anything and no-one can make me feel worse than i already. my heart is breaking at thought of what i am doing and i cant believe that i am totally obsessed with a married man.

Then make this the day you walk away. You will then at least feel like you are taking steps to become that person again. You just need to decide to do it. Then follow through. That's it. Good luck.

It must be very hard to find out that you are not the person you thought you were.

What would you like to happen now?

Thats not a trick question

honestly what i really want to happen is for my lover to contact me. i know this is shit and pathetic. i also know what i SHOULD be doing is to follow all the good advice i have had so far and this weekend i will try and find the strength to follow out some of this advice from people who i am so glad havent totally hated me.

Why do you want your lover to contact you? What will you do if he does?

You DO know what you should do. Cut off all contact with this man. Have you any idea how your husband will feel when he finds out? If you love him, how can you lie and cheat like this? And remember, chances are you aren't the only other woman your colleague has on the go.

I have been besotted in the past and I really believe that the feelings generated are addictive. Such a high! Like nothing else.

This is what you are loving, not the OM. And I seriously doubt he feels any 'love' for you. You are just an ego boost.

It hurts to go no contact but it is the only way.

You will recover slowly but as to your marriage... do you intend to end it?

Just tell your husband asap, then you can both decide what to do from then on and this way he also has a chance to take control of his own life and you'll have a little bit more control over yours again..

OP has he spoke about leaving his wife? Does he love you?

Have you both discussed where you would like this to go?

I agree machair but unless the OP decides that is what she wants to do, it isn't going to happen or her resolve isn't going to stick. I know about a zillion things I should do, but don't because the pay off for not doing the thing I should, is bigger than the pay off for doing it.

Sexual desire is so powerful - it is all part of Mama Nature's con trick to get us to procreate more widely. Coming off it is like coming off a really strong, addictive drug. You aren't going to manage it unless you really WANT to.

That said , I do not want to play the sanctimonious pseudo counsellor card because that's dangerous shit that is...
and fucking annoying

No do NOT tell your DH!
I have never seen this as advice anywhere except MN! Whenever I've read advice anywhere else from counsellors, psychs etc- they have all said do not tell.
I think some people here say tell because they want you OP to feel the fall out and be 'punished'.

Decide if you want to repair your marriage and start being a loyal wife from today. Let go of what is going on with OM- tell him today that it is over.

But there's no point saying you're a good person, if your actions show the opposite. Be the person you want to be. I know life isn't black and white, and everyone makes mistakes, but not like this. Like I said, you can't change what has happened, but you can change what you do from this point onwards.

For the record, ok you didn't sleep with him right away, but your morals went out the window the minute the flirty messages started. Read your messages and ask yourself how your DH, or his DW would feel looking at them. That's when your deception started.

It's ok saying don't tell, but what if the OP has passed on gonorrhoea, herpes, or even worse HIV to her husband? Even if they've used condoms stds can still spread through oral etc.

He has the right to be checked out.