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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

not expecting too much sympathy

174 replies

moviebuffer · 13/12/2014 10:56

hi - im really not expecting too much sympathy but im feeling desperately sad and lonely and i do need to speak about this.
im having an affair with a married colleague - he has 3 kids. i am also married to a wonderful man with no kids.
we started by sending flirty texts to each other and it graduated into meet-ups and then developed into a sexual relationship. unfortunately i have fallen for this guy and the guilt and trauma are killing me. i cant keep away from him and im constantly watching to make sure he isnt flirting with anyone else or talking too much to the other women in the workplace. i know what many people will say - that im a slut and a home wrecker but im so in love with this man and he knows it. i dont know what to do.

OP posts:
ocelot41 · 13/12/2014 20:31

Reading through some of the posts on tbis thread may help stiffen your resolve. You dont sound a cruel person to me - do you really want to cause this? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2256883-Tell-me-about-your-WORST-break-up-how-you-reacted-how-insane-you-were-etc

Itsfab · 13/12/2014 20:46

Nothing to stop you texting him right now to say, I don't want anymore non work contact. Try and say something less obvious than our affair is over in case his cheated on wife checks his phone.

ocelot41 · 13/12/2014 20:57

When you are ready to mean it - what itsfab said. And ignore any future messages. Completely. The more you engage, the more long and drawn out and difficult it will get. If you are going to do it, rip that plaster off fast and get it over with.

badbaldingballerina123 · 13/12/2014 21:09

Op your worries about him making things difficult at work are not founded at all, and , I think are an excuse. There is absolutely no way this married man is going to risk his job and his marriage over a casual fuck. I don't mean to be hurtful but you are simply not worth it. You are a secret for a reason and he will go to great lengths to keep it that way. The affair partner is associated with feelings of shame.

Years ago I discovered there was an ow creeping around in my family. Like most people I am not keen on people taking the piss out of me. I informed her husband and forwarded him naked pics of her fat arse . Like all cheaters Xh was keen to deny it , even asking me , do you really think I'm so low as to fuck that ?

Meerka · 13/12/2014 21:38

You've had a lot of different views and opinions on here.

Take what rings true to you, and note the majority of advice. The majority isn't always right but it often is.

Do the best that you can .... when someone dazzles like the sun, it's hard to see beyond that. But do. Keep your feet on the floor if you can, and think out how to deal with him and how to deal with your own urges toward him.

badbaldingballerina123 · 13/12/2014 21:52

Quit the sexist comments Morris. I said people affair down , not women. The Op acknowledges that she has affaired down. Why did you assume this was a sexist comment that was somehow about her being the lesser person out of the two ? I'm not keen on being told what I meant either.

It is not sexist of me to point out facts. Nor is it sexist to point out how people in affairs typically lie to each other. It isn't sexist either to point out that mm will want to keep his affair a secret.

ChateauCollapso · 13/12/2014 22:31

Walk away. You and he will both look foolish when you're found out which will happen. Then you'll look back & realise it was all unreal & mutual flattery. Not the 'if only we'd met in other circumstances' when it wouldn't have been exciting & forbidden - just ordinary people which is what you are. The grass isn't greener mate.

fedupbutfine · 14/12/2014 00:09

it is hard to explain but i also really do love my hubby

my ex once said something similar - wanting me to empathise with just how awful it was for him to love two women at the same time.

I'm sorry, but it's very simple. You're a liar and a cheat. The man you're having an affair with is a liar and a cheat. Your husband and your lover's wife deserve better. Sadly, the children's lives are now seriously screwed up no matter what happens because their father is lying to them as well.

Grow up, recognise that one of the men you love is not worth it and that the other man you love deserves someone who actually, really and truly loves him to the point where cheating on him isn't a possibility.

i will try and find the strength to follow out some of this advice from people who i am so glad havent totally hated me

poor you, eh? strangers on the internet are the least of your worries. What happens when your husband finds out? your family? mutual friends? his family? You'll know then what hate and anger and spite is, believe me.

Give me strength.

WhaddayWant · 14/12/2014 00:25

Doesnt it creep you out that he's having sex with his wife and then with you. That would make me NOT want to DTD.

jasper · 14/12/2014 00:50

"people affair down"?
so if one affair partner is "affairing down" what is the other one doing?

AlfAlf · 14/12/2014 01:27

OP, I've just read the whole thread. To start with I felt a bit of sympathy for you, but at this point I don't believe you came on here because you want to end it. I think you came on here to boast about how great the sex is, how much he loves you, how irresistible you are, and basically moon over him and the whole thing (because you can't tell anyone irl and you're bursting with it). All while paying lip service to how guilty you feel so you can believe you're still a good person.
I think you need to grow up and get over yourself before you hurt the innocent parties in the mess you've created.

badbaldingballerina123 · 14/12/2014 01:54

Maybe they both are jasper. Some posters have given themselves the privilege of deciding what I mean and have taken that to mean it's about appearances. That's not what it's about.

Apparently less than five per cent of affairs evolve into anything permanent or official. Some experts put it at less than one per cent , which is odd when you think of all the love going on. This is apparently because one spouse is unknowingly facilitating the affair by meeting the majority of the other spouses needs. People do not pick affair partners as carefully as they pick official partners.

Mm probably genuinely enjoys spending time with the Op. But Maybe she's really unpleasant and would make a rotten step parent. Doesn't matter. She's not around his kids so it doesn't matter. Maybe mm is crap with money and is covered in debt . Doesn't matter. Her husband provides financial support. They don't live together so these things aren't an issue and their spouses do the grown up bits and cover these bases. The only requirement is to show up and have fun.

Either one of them could have issues or traits that would be a deal breaker in a official relationship. But their not in one so it doesn't matter. If they were in a official relationship either one of them could realize they have traded down. It's probably fun having this affair , but realistically I doubt either one of them would make moves to leave and marry the other. Cheaters are fun to cheat with , but it's a rare person who wants to be married to one.

jasper · 14/12/2014 09:30

you can't BOTH " affair down".
it's mathematically impossible, just like you can't both have a shorter partner !

pinkfrocks · 14/12/2014 09:50

never ever heard such a silly expression as 'affair down'.
How could anyone possibly judge anyway? What someone sees as beauty is totally different from the next person- and same goes for personality traits.
Bonkers statement.

simontowers2 · 14/12/2014 09:56

May sound bonkers pinkfroks but i've got lots of anecotal evidence of it being the case. And yes, beauty is the the eye of the beholder and all that, but let's be honest - most couples are similarly matched on the looks front (hence why you will likely double-take when you see a stunning woman with an ugly fella and vice versa). The anomalies i have seen tend to be with the affairs.

WhoTheWhatNow · 14/12/2014 10:00

For me "affair down" was a moral judgement I made of the OW, she knew she was getting involved with a MM with DC and still did it. IMO my partner had automatically affaired down by being with someone who would do that.

Windywenceslas · 14/12/2014 11:38

I said up thread, affairing down has nothing to do with a person's qualities, looks or anything else, it's about the attitude of the cheater. A serial cheat will have little respect for his partner, but he'll have even less respect for his affair partner(s) because they're seen as less worthy of respect. It absolutely isn't about a woman's qualities!

It's a horrible term but then cheating is a horrible business.

Original poster
moviebuffer · 14/12/2014 12:04

thanks for the continuing advice it really is appreciated. i am not here to brag about the sex or about how irresistable iam. if he was a total arse or awful to me it would be much easier to walk away but he isnt, he is wonderful to me but i still know i have to leave.
he texted me last night and i didnt respond even when he continually tried to contact me

OP posts:
KarenHillavoidJimmyswarehouse · 14/12/2014 12:05

Of course you can both affair down - if both the innocent husband and wives are fab and the two cheaters are ugly and scuzzy then they can both be affairing down - I'm assuming the phrase means "having an affair with someone not as good as your husband/wife" in which case of course its possible for both cheaters to affair down.

pinkfrocks · 14/12/2014 12:20

Oh this is silly- it's all so subjective.

Affairing down = having an affair with someone not as good as your husband/wife"

And what is the point of making such comments anyway?

If you want to take that line many people marry 'down' either in terms of earning capacity, looks, social class, intelligence.....etc.

Can't see how it is possibly helpful to make these judgements.

KarenHillavoidJimmyswarehouse · 14/12/2014 12:23

Don't know - was just explaining if "affairing down" is indeed a concept then it would be possible for both cheaters to do so.

Icimoi · 14/12/2014 12:36

I don't think you have to give him any lengthy explanation for packing in the affair, in fact I think it would be totally counter-productive: I can just picture a gruesome session when you try to explain your reasons for ending it, he tries to argue against them, he ends up piling on massive emotional pressure and loads of promises to make you continue, and you will be back where you started.

Surely the reasons why you want to end it will be totally obvious to him? Just say to him that you have come to your senses and realise you can no longer do this either to your husband or his wife, and that's it.

To be honest, I think you'll find that ultimately he makes it easier for you because he will simply move on to the next target very quickly.

Sofiathefirst · 14/12/2014 12:47

Are you still lying to MM about your age OP?

QwertyQueen · 14/12/2014 13:09

Well being on the receiving end of a husband who had an affair with a work colleague…. there is no grey - this really IS black and white.
What you are doing is wrong.
Tell your husband yourself, before he finds out from someone else.
Have the decency to let him decide what he wants to do.
And your "lover" is lying to the people that love him most, so I dare say he is no catch either.
Although you probably deserve each other.

YvyB · 14/12/2014 13:15

If you genuinely, truly want to end this then how about writing a letter (which you NEVER post) to each of his 3 children, explaining why you chose to destroy their family and shatter their mother. If you know their names, use them. Whenever you have a weak moment and want to contact him, read the letters first and remind yourself of the three innocent lives that will be devastated if you continue. Then look at yourself (literally) in the mirror and decide whether you are seeing the face of a
remorseful person who is trying to silently make amends or a selfish, immature person who actually doesn't care about anyone other than herself.

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