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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

not expecting too much sympathy

174 replies

moviebuffer · 13/12/2014 10:56

hi - im really not expecting too much sympathy but im feeling desperately sad and lonely and i do need to speak about this.
im having an affair with a married colleague - he has 3 kids. i am also married to a wonderful man with no kids.
we started by sending flirty texts to each other and it graduated into meet-ups and then developed into a sexual relationship. unfortunately i have fallen for this guy and the guilt and trauma are killing me. i cant keep away from him and im constantly watching to make sure he isnt flirting with anyone else or talking too much to the other women in the workplace. i know what many people will say - that im a slut and a home wrecker but im so in love with this man and he knows it. i dont know what to do.

OP posts:
ocelot41 · 13/12/2014 15:30

Just as a wild stab in the dark OP, were you and DH about to increase your commitment to each other in any way? Buy a house? TTC?

Original poster
moviebuffer · 13/12/2014 15:30

Quitelikely i know youre right and i know what i have to do. of course he doesnt love me more than his wife and i dont know why he keeps saying it because i dont ask for anything from him. its all just so hard and i will find the strength to do the right thing its just so bloody hard

OP posts:
ocelot41 · 13/12/2014 15:36

If you can work out what's driving you OP in addition to the obvious mahoosive hormonal high and this chap's charms, it may help you screw your courage to the sticking post. Although agree not easy at all

Quitelikely · 13/12/2014 15:39

If you can get something good from this, then know if you do end it fairly soon you will have saved three little children the heartbreak of not losing their father.

Yes in the future they might split up but at least you won't have been the cause of it.

I think the guilt and shame stops you both from discussing your partners. Because then you would have to look at each other whilst admitting something shameful about yourselves.

I think you will do the right thing. Each option hurts. Xmas is going to hurt you a lot.

You are currently in control.

KarenHillavoidJimmyswarehouse · 13/12/2014 15:41

of course he doesnt love me more than his wife and i dont know why he keeps saying it

Because he's a liar? He lies to his wife - the mother of his children - who he has made promises to. Why wouldn't he lie to you?

PacificDogwood · 13/12/2014 15:41

In all honesty and with kindness, I am not sure I understand what you want by posting this.

You sound sad and wretched and torn - you know what you need to do: why ask?

None of us can make any life decisions for you, only you can.

So, stop the affair and stay with your DH.
Finish with DH and embark on life with the OM (fat chance that he'll be up for that)
Or, finish with them both, get some therapy and try and figure out what got you in to this sorry mess in the first place.

Your shot.

Itsfab · 13/12/2014 15:45

You can keep away from him, you are choosing not too.

If you are truly feeling guilt you need to stop all contact with him and tell your husband what you have been doing. It is only fair you free him to be with someone who wont' cheat on him and trample all over the wedding vows you made.

"It's just so bloody hard." Tough. You reap what you sew. You could be shagging a friend's husband for all you know if you have friends on here.

Why is it relevant what his response will be if you finish things?

Stop all the crap and do what needs to be done. If you truly are sorry and truly love your husband you will cease contact with your bit on the side, tell your husband what you have done and take the consequences like a grown up.

Vivacia · 13/12/2014 15:46

You really don't seem to be taking any responsibility here. There's no responsibility for your own choices and no responsibility towards the husband you claim to love. You prefer the drama to your husband.

Itsfab · 13/12/2014 15:54

He probably says he loves you more than his wife to justify his disgusting actions and to guarantee he can get into your pants.

Get this and read it.

PurpleSwift · 13/12/2014 15:58

Pinkfrocks I think it's easy to understand that someone can stray but then realise it was a mistake. But what about their partner? What about if they don't want to be with someone who had to cheat to realise they were the one for them?
A relationship based on lies is it a good relationship.

PurpleSwift · 13/12/2014 15:58

*is not a good relationship

Viviennemary · 13/12/2014 16:03

Make up your mind. Either you have one man or the other or none of them. I don't approve of marriage break ups because of other women but they are a fact of life. But stop living a deceitful lie.

SnotandBothered · 13/12/2014 16:11

What you are really in love with is the 'high'. The feeling of being 'alive' and the buzz of sexual attraction. We all know that this is a temporary thing and that even if you did both leave your partners and end up together - this would fade.

And then what would you have left? A relationship with someone you know to be a cheat, a broken home and none of the security you have in your current marriage.

Basically, you have to accept that in the long term, love, longevity, trust and family trumps sexual excitement. It doesn't feel like that when you are in the thick of it, over time, it's wins hands down.

That's the bottom line. Hold that thought and do the right thing.

I know many will believe that your husband has the right to know so that he can make an informed decision as to whether he now wants to be with you, whilst other's will say 'don't hurt him to unburden your guilt'. I honestly don't know and think every situation is different. But I DO know that you are currently in a situation not unlike someone taking drugs or getting a buzz that they enjoy too much to walk away from. And that is all it is.

offside · 13/12/2014 16:31

Selfish selfish selfish. Not once have you spared a thought for your DP and how he will feel WHEN he finds out. It's all about you. You're not behaving nor talking like a woman whom loves her DH, stop kidding yourself and let your DH live his life without you.

Have you stopped to think how your DH will be feeling?? Because you will have become withdrawn, distant and "different" towards him, even subconsciously. I hope your DH finds out sooner rather than later.

Original poster
moviebuffer · 13/12/2014 16:50

SnotandBothered i completely agree about the high and sexual attraction. it is so strong that it is overwhelming and its what i am fighting against as we 'speak'. i am weak and awful but i am trying to fight it.

OP posts:
ocelot41 · 13/12/2014 16:54

At the risk of lowering the tone, I found wanking a lot took off that er...edge and allowed me to make better decisions.

Your body is all revved up and ready to shag at the moment, so removing that sexual frustration can be helpful. Certainly staying all revved up with no place for it to go is a recipe for texting his number again.

Blush Prepares for flaming for being shallow...

Original poster
moviebuffer · 13/12/2014 17:02

ocelot41 haha thanks thats good advice and its something practical i can do (sorry for lowering the tone too) just hope i dont think too much about him while im doing it xx

OP posts:
Itsfab · 13/12/2014 17:07

You really don't want to stop cheating on your husband, do you? Hmm.

Meerka · 13/12/2014 17:08

i dont know why he keeps saying it .... you say he pursued you a lot (not to minimize your side, but you did say he did push) and now he's saying this to you

Sorry, but I think he's almost certainly a player and he';s saying it to keep you hooked.

And taking care of your own physical needs - well, anything that helps resist the electric pull he has for you. If it does help, then do it!

ocelot41 · 13/12/2014 17:11

Well look, a fantasy is better than acting out the reality isn't it? It removes one powerful factor from the equation anyway (sexual frustration) so hopefully should help you think more clearly about what you are feeling and what you want. Distance and time would really help too - is there any way you could swing a secondment to a different office or department whilst you think about moving companies altogether? After all, getting a new job may not be fast or easy but you are never going to be able to think straight when you are seeing him every day.

Original poster
moviebuffer · 13/12/2014 17:14

Meerka i would never minimize my part in it but yes he initiated it and pushed very hard. i am just as guilty as he is but he has told me he has never cheated on his wide before
Itsfab of course i do want to stop and i will

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 13/12/2014 17:14

There are three different emotional systems in relationships. Love , sexual desire and attachment . Ideally you would feel all these things towards one person but it's entirely possible to feel these things at the same time towards different people.

I imagine the sort of love you feel for your husband is the comfy sort , the good old hubby who provides financially and is dependable and loyal. I imagine the feelings you have for om are highly sexual , dramatic and exciting. Between the two of them youve got it made and you have little incentive to change things.

lyingandcheating.blogspot.co.uk/2007/02/typology-of-cheating.html

I would advise you to educate yourself very quickly about what's really going on here. It's a well trodden path that can have severe long lasting consequences for all concerned. If you really loved om like you say you do you would not risk him losing his family. Same goes for him. You really have no right at all to creep around in someone else's marriage and family.

KarenHillavoidJimmyswarehouse · 13/12/2014 17:18

but he has told me he has never cheated on his wide before

Ha ha ha.

Yeah he told her he'd forsake all others WHEN HE MARRIED HER. when she was in labour three times he probably told her she was the strongest most wonderful woman in the world.

He's a shit and his words mean nothing.

ocelot41 · 13/12/2014 17:20

Yup and my alcoholic ex was always going to quit drinking and I am always going to eat less and lose weight. 'Going to do something' at some unspecified time im the future ain't that convincing sister!

YOU have to really want to sever the relationship and then take practical steps to help yourself do that. Will power in its own is a pretty poor strategy. Changing jobs, locations, deleting phone numbers ( and changing yours), changing email addresses. All that helps.

badbaldingballerina123 · 13/12/2014 18:28

For Christ sake Op.

Do you really think he would tell you if he had. Don't flatter yourself like this. It's unlikely he was a faithfull family man before you showed up and he doesn't cheat with you because your so gorgeous and he can't resist. He fucks you because your willing to be fucked and your grateful for it.

How many other women do you think have shut down his flirting previously ? The difference between you and them is not how irresistible you are , it's that you were open to it and they were not. Most people are familiar with the flirty married man and most are offended. Not flattered.

I have never ever heard of a man being willing to share the woman they love. Something else you should be aware of is that usually people affair down.

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