not expecting too much sympathy

[moviebuffer]

hi - im really not expecting too much sympathy but im feeling desperately sad and lonely and i do need to speak about this.
im having an affair with a married colleague - he has 3 kids. i am also married to a wonderful man with no kids.
we started by sending flirty texts to each other and it graduated into meet-ups and then developed into a sexual relationship. unfortunately i have fallen for this guy and the guilt and trauma are killing me. i cant keep away from him and im constantly watching to make sure he isnt flirting with anyone else or talking too much to the other women in the workplace. i know what many people will say - that im a slut and a home wrecker but im so in love with this man and he knows it. i dont know what to do.

Of course op you are so much more special than his wife,there is no way he would lie to you.

Heh, well open relationships do exist and some of them are healthy ..... Sexuality is not a set of rails that every single human being is innately riding on.

But this is not an open relationship and it's messy as all fuck right now, and when it falls apart it will be even more agonising for you and your husband will go through hell.

In 20 years' time ... do you think he will still be in your life?

OP, it will be very hard but I think you have to ride this pain out. I think that somehow you have to step back, to detach your heart for a while. I think you need to box clever now, because when you start to detach he's going to pursue you hard. He'll ask you what's wrong, he'll say how much he loves you, he'll do everything and anything to get you back involved.

I think you need to deliberately and consciously think with your HEAD and not your heart now. To work out how to handle him and how to handle the things he's going to say.

Mumsnet or if you choose other forums can probably help you through the process of distancing yourself, if you choose.

hi yes i agree i need to distance myself from him how do i do it unil i change jobs - no contact, blank him, explain to him?

Can you get some kind of secondment within your existing company relatively quickly?

hi - no ive actually looked into a secondment before but its only a small company and very few opportunities. at the moment there arent any secondments. i do feel i need to face him though and perhaps explain my distance

meerka thank you. iam shocked at the amount of pain iam in at the moment and im not handling it very well. when i finish it ive no idea what he might say though i am worried he may try and make things difficult especially at work

Ok, but continuing to see him day after day will be very hard. Because he is going to plead HARD to get you to relent.

I wouldnt imagine he would make anything difficult for you at work after you end it, as that would risk people finding out and ultimately his wife, which i can assure you he would not want her to know!

Slight side-note on why men 'affair-down'. Was talking to a mate who has had several affairs. He was telling me that women 'slightly below his league' were more generally willing to put up with being the other woman; they were that grateful to be punching above their weight, so to speak. I was gob-smacked by his arrogance at the time ... But i guess he has a point. People are so cynical when it boils down to it. You mention he told you he loves you OP. My arse.

to be honest simontowers2 i think im affairing down with him if thats the way to put it. someone in the office did say that they thought that he fancies me but that i was far too good for him....not being arrogant but he isnt the best looking guy but that was never the point

BaldingBallerina, I found your post rude and sexist. It's all about making the OP feel like some meaningless object, which I think is unhelpful.

You say people usually affair down, well the OP doesn't feel she has, why do you think the OM has?

OP is clearly living a car crash here and I agree with all the advice to cut contact, be strong etc. but there's no need to resort to outdated sexist put downs about women's sexual availability.

Ok massive cross post :)

She is affairing down. So your attempts to put her down that way seem unfounded.

Not everyone affairs down, but serial cheats often do because equal relationships don't involve hero-worship and fawning. They don't get worshipped by their wives, loved yes, worshipped and treated like a god, no. So they get their ego (and whatever else) massaged elsewhere by finding women who will idolise them and put up with being treated like shit. They'll ditch the OW as soon as they start to look threatening to their lovely set up, and move onto the next one.

They don't leave their wives, and it's not because of the kids (as usually claimed) but because they consider their wives worthy of being married to them.

It's your basic misogynistic attitude of there being the quality women you marry and the sluts you shag.

Shameful behaviour, but women the world over fall for it and believe their situation is different because they're in love, the wife doesn't understand him, they never have sex, she's a bitch etc. it's rarely true.

That seems bizarre OP. Why affair down in your shoes? Personally i'd be asking yourself why you keep going back.

How to do it?

act cool. No you aren't feeling cool. Anything but, this hurts like you are called towards the sun and as if he can turn your life into glorious vibrancy. But you know better at the head level. It's an illusion.

so ... maybe think about it and plan how to deal with it and your own need for him. (btw, he's playing on that need).

When you speak to him, keep the language moderate. Job focussed. When he texts you, leave time before replying. At first it might only be half an hour when you could have replied earlier. As the days progress, move that to 3 hours; a day ; 3 days.

If he questions why you aren't immediately available emotionally, then say that you have other thigns going on. If he doesn't ask what; good. If he does ask what, say "tell you later".

If he says "can't wait to see you" say "me too, when it's possible". The thing about saying 'when it's possible' is that you are showing that it's not possible ... and you're not immediately jumping to him. Move to "I'd like that too". Not "i'd love to"... I'd like to.

Setting up expectations of time is very strong. Offering you a time to meet sets up an expectation; be aware of what's going on. Control your response to that. if you are simply not able to say No, then try to change the time of the meeting. That's exerting tiny bits of control that you can trust yourself in.

Don't arrange business meetings one-to-one. Don't text him suggesting a meeting.

This is all about managing your heart. You won't get it right at first, you'll fall on yoru face. But you can practise. This man does not have your best interests at heart, or he would not risk your husband's loss of regard for you. If he was truly in love with you and decent with it (it does happen), he'd go about it in a very different way.

end the affair
DONT EVER TELL ANYONE ESPECIALLY YOUR HUSBAND

Agree totally with MorrisZapp. The 'affairing down' is nonsense and some of the posters on this thread sound very silly.

Not all affairs are about hero-worship and fawning - sometimes they're just a 'better fit'. It doesn't make them right, not ever, but it's ridiculous to try to apply some kind of salve with something that isn't true.

Some do leave their wives and they do it because they want to. It's possibly for affairs to be kept quiet indefinitely if both parties are that way disposed.

The well-known 'facts' that wife doesn't understand, they don't have sex, she's a bitch are no more meaningful or true than OW is not the marrying sort, will be dumped for the next one, puts up with 'sloppy seconds' etc. So does the wife. Sometimes she's even aware of that. Does that make her somehow less 'worthy'?

The misogynistic attitudes are bad enough from men but, women? Urgh.

moviebuffer... for your own sake, you do need to end this. The pain you feel at the moment is nothing compared to the pain you will feel should your world turn upside down and you lose control of your decisions. Make them now, for yourself, and make them the right ones. This isn't going anywhere.

baldingballerina... I found your post offensive too. I've never heard of a man who loves his wife, cheating on her. Ditto a woman who loves her husband doesn't cheat on him.

Pinkfrocks... If the wife and family was important he would not be doing this, would he? Too important to lose.

It's the same old posters who come on to put women down in any way they can with unfounded and nasty digs.

Everybody is urging the OP to end it, in any way they can, there's just no need for the putting down and lashing out. It just smacks of projection and spite.

I said not all men do it, but serial cheats often do. And affairing down isn't a reflection on the women - I'm not saying some men have affairs with women who are not as good looking as their wives or whatever, it's nothing to do with that, it's about the man's attitude to the women in their lives, not the qualities of the women themselves. They often have far less respect for the women they have affairs with than they do their wives, it's an ego boost.

Of course there are cases where people go on to have happy relationships with the women they have affairs with and it is a genuine case of falling in love, but more often than not, it isn't.

I do not hero worship this guy. I know his faults and I know how he/we are deceiving everyone. He is not good looking he is not stylish or anything else like that but iam so attracted to him and we get on incredibly well. I will end this though

Good luck moviebuffer. You have had the strength to voice what's going on here, despite knowing you were going to take a beating, so you can do it.

Windy... Looks are entirely subjective. People never, ever make accurate assessments of themselves so how on earth can they consider that they are in or out of their 'league' in comparison with anybody else?

'Affairing down', on this thread is meant to jibe the OP so it's not use pretending that this wasn't the intention because it was. I get heartily sick of it.

Wish you strength to end it, moviebuffer because it really is the only sane way out of this mess.

I hope you do, or you will get hurt even more. Sometimes the right thing to do isn't always the easiest, but if you're determined enough, you can do it.

Tell him you no longer wish to continue things and he's not to contact you in any way other than on a professional basis. Tell him if he oversteps the mark just once you'll tell his wife (you don't actually have to), but this should guarantee that he'll leave you alone.