Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

not expecting too much sympathy

174 replies

moviebuffer · 13/12/2014 10:56

hi - im really not expecting too much sympathy but im feeling desperately sad and lonely and i do need to speak about this.
im having an affair with a married colleague - he has 3 kids. i am also married to a wonderful man with no kids.
we started by sending flirty texts to each other and it graduated into meet-ups and then developed into a sexual relationship. unfortunately i have fallen for this guy and the guilt and trauma are killing me. i cant keep away from him and im constantly watching to make sure he isnt flirting with anyone else or talking too much to the other women in the workplace. i know what many people will say - that im a slut and a home wrecker but im so in love with this man and he knows it. i dont know what to do.

OP posts:
ocelot41 · 13/12/2014 14:28

How would you feel about seeing a Relate counsellor on your own OP? Sounds like you need a safe space to think through how you are feeling and what you choose to do.

skinnyamericano · 13/12/2014 14:29

How easy would it be to get a new job?

I think this is the key thing you need to do first. You are never going to begin to get over him if you see him every day.

badbaldingballerina123 · 13/12/2014 14:31

I'm not into all this guff that it just happened . Affairs happen for one reason only and that's because someone wanted it to. There will of course be reasons why someone wanted to. I'm also not into my heart is breaking I feel terrible while continuing to do the very thing you claim is breaking your heart.

Let's cut the shit. You don't want to end your affair because it's enjoyable and a positive thing for you. Any noises you make about feeling bad are just that. Noises and more noises about finding strength.

I'm amazed that cheaters come on here and want to seek support , or brag about their affairs. Op there was nothing stopping you from seeing a counsellor at any point. There's nothing stopping you from ending it and there's nothing stopping you from finding a new job. There's also nothing stopping you from educating yourself about affairs so you realize how stereotypical and unoriginal they are. You don't want to do any of those things.

What were you hoping anyone on here could really tell you that you didn't already know ?

pinkfrocks · 13/12/2014 14:37

magpie you need to be realistic. HIV testing can affect insurance and employment - it's not a test to take lightly and it's highly unlikely to be passed on via oral sex. herpes cannot be tested for unless there are symptoms and flare ups, gon, has symptoms that are usually visible in men and it's not easily passed on via oral sex.

inlectorecumbit · 13/12/2014 14:38

I think you should tell your DH and let him decide if he wants to stay married to someone who is prepared to totally disregard their marriage vows and cheat on him-putting his sexual health at risk. I think he would end the marriage.
Let him go and find someone who deserves him because frankly you don't.

badbaldingballerina123 · 13/12/2014 14:39

Hiv testing can be done anonymously and that's been the case for quite some time.

Quitelikely · 13/12/2014 14:41

Well the OP is quite clearly love sick and pining for this man.

The thing is because it's Xmas it's going to get a whole lot worse. He's going to be on holiday, spending time with his wife and children.

And all you can do is absolutely nothing.

I think you need to ask yourself where it's all leading. If it's nowhere then you can end it now.

Yes you will be in pain if you end it but you are in pain anyway.

These things never end well. Imagine the shame and humiliation if you get caught! Could you bear the thought?

Windywenceslas · 13/12/2014 14:41

Pinkfrocks, every woman gets tested for HIV in every pregnancy she has. It doesn't affect insurance or employment. It hasn't for a long time.

Windywenceslas · 13/12/2014 14:44

OP have you been using protection? If the answer is no, you really do need to tell your DH. I think he deserves to know anyway, he should know the person he's married to, but I know many posters disagree.

Original poster
moviebuffer · 13/12/2014 14:44

Quitelikely we have never spoken about leaving our partners and i dont think either of us expect the other to do that. he tells me that he loves me and that other than his children im the most important thing in his life. i honestly believe that the whole thing took us both by surprise

OP posts:
magpieginglebells · 13/12/2014 14:44

But he should know that the person he has been having sex with has been fucking around so he can choose to get tested if he wishes. Who knows who else the other man is shagging around with too.

Quitelikely · 13/12/2014 14:46

If he left his wife for you would you want to be with him properly?

badbaldingballerina123 · 13/12/2014 14:46

I'm not sure it's a good idea to minimize the importance of std tests. There's at least 4 people in this and the Op has no idea about the wife's history. Many stds have no symptoms initially.

Quitelikely · 13/12/2014 14:47

Is he actually unhappy in the marriage? Or is everything ok?

Quitelikely · 13/12/2014 14:48

Has either of you tried to end it? What happens?

Windywenceslas · 13/12/2014 14:48

How can it have caught you by surprise? You knew the flirty messages were wrong presumably, or did you share them with your DH? You knew when you arranged to meet him that it was wrong, or did you tell your DH that you were meeting this man? You knew meeting him in hotels for sex was wrong, or did you tell your DH this was happening? Of course you didn't.

Your affair was not a surprise, it was planned and calculated as clinically as every affair is. He won't leave his wife for you, she is more important to him than you are, please see this for what it is. You're a cliche and it's high time you recognised it and change the course of your future.

Original poster
moviebuffer · 13/12/2014 14:49

Quitelikely i dont want to leave my husband i really dont. i think i am obsessed with this man but i also know this and the dangers and consequences of this. i dont expect him to leave his wife especially for his childrens sake. in all honesty ive been trying to take it one day at a time without looking too closely to the future because i honestly dont know whats there

OP posts:
frankbough · 13/12/2014 14:53

Pinfrock , how can she repair her marriage by keeping such a large secret, she should tell him and HE can then decide what HE wants to do, I've been in this situation Her dh's position) and I've seen others do the same, the deceit and guilt will eat her up, like it is now..
Once it's out in the open then the situation can be resolved he may forgive her, he may not, honesty is the first step towards marital reconciliation, avoiding the truth creates barriers to repairing the marriage and the well being of all the people caught up in what seems like a an insurmountable barrier..

lunar1 · 13/12/2014 14:54

You have no idea how many others your om sleeping with. Your poor husband has no idea of all the potential nasties you have given him. Tell him so he can get tested.

pinkfrocks · 13/12/2014 14:58

OP I'm not one for believing that one strike and you are out is the right way to go with marriages. I'm long in the tooth and have seen countless marriages survive affairs and become great relationships so I don't think it's right that you should blow yours out of the water.

I do though think you are coming over as a bit dim TBH.

You are very naive to think you are as important as his wife - or more important.

You are also making no effort at all to 'look to the future' - because if you did you would see that the odds are he will a) dump you when a better model comes along b) his wife will find out and they will survive this- you will be cut off overnight c) your DH will find out and may leave you d) work colleagues will find out and neither of you will be popular.

You can end this if you choose to.
Today.

If you don't want to, fair enough- carry on.

But why did you post- what do you want from people here?

pinkfrocks · 13/12/2014 14:59

frank I know of many marriages where there were secret affairs ( and pleeease don't say it must be mine- that old chestnut' cos that's not so)- it happens and marriages survive. If you have never known this happen with your friends or family I can't help that- but I have.

Quitelikely · 13/12/2014 15:06

If you both love each other then perhaps this situation will carry on for many years.

I doubt you or he loves the other more than your respective partners because if you both truly did you would be together right now.

If you think you don't want to leave your husband then why are you with this man?

What do you want from it? Where do you want it to go?

Joysmum · 13/12/2014 15:20

frank I know of many marriages where there were secret affairs ( and pleeease don't say it must be mine- that old chestnut' cos that's not so)- it happens and marriages survive

That's so sad for the partner being cheated on that they wasted their prime exclusively being with someone who doesn't exclusivy want to be with them.

I would not want to be in a relationship where:

a) my husband broke his promise and pissed all over the boundaries of our relationship

B) put his wants above my right to choose and continued to lie by omission thus keeping me trapped in a shit relationship without knowing.

ocelot41 · 13/12/2014 15:29

I had a massive, massive crush on someone immediately after we got engaged. It can be that physical attraction is all bound up with different feelings which make the pull even more powerful. For me it was fear of commitment, losing my freedom and very bad memories of what being 'a family' meant. Although I went NC it was really hard - so much easier and more pleasant to get swept up in exciting passionate feelings than face your demons. It takes time and commitment and it is painful. And that's without anything becoming a full-blown affair!

pinkfrocks · 13/12/2014 15:29

Joy is your way of thinking so black and white that you can't understand how people can stray but then realise it was a mistake and then spend another 40+ years with their wife/ husband?

I don't get this prevalent attitude on MN that when someone has an affair that is IT as far as their marriage goes- life isn't like that, not for many couples I've known.

I'm not taking sides but I get a bit fed up with people being unable to understand that relationships come in all shapes and sizes, often including human frailty,