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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

999 replies

Hobbitwife001 · 11/12/2014 23:34

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

OP posts:
greenberet · 03/01/2015 18:35

yes izzie - i know im torturing myself and hoping it is part of the process - i think after next week hopefully I will have my head in a better place - most of it just makes me laugh actually - it is all so pathetic as you said - but she is overstepping the line with my kids!

Izzie595 · 03/01/2015 18:35

Stonewalling!! Green, BINGO. Aaaaaaaaaaargh!! That is the absolute worst thing in my book. Yes my H too. Suddenly his affair seems irrelevant now.....

WellWhoKnew · 03/01/2015 18:39

each shit day done is one less to do ain't that the divorcing life!

Made me laugh!

Izzie595 · 03/01/2015 18:43

Green, I just cannot believe how they can get so bloody spiteful. My kids are adults, so I don't have those issues with her. But, yes to me it's bad enough she took my H, but to try to claim my kids would just be beyond the pale. One of my sons will never have anything to do with OW. The other said "I'd be civil if I had to but no more than that" Blimey, that bit about being civil got my hackles rising!

Izzie595 · 03/01/2015 18:45

each shit day done is one less to do ain't that the divorcing life!

Or is that married life??

WellWhoKnew · 03/01/2015 18:54

True. I was just thinking today - that I will never, ever be shouted at in my own home again (aside from the bloody cats). And that made me feel A LOT better.

Izzie595 · 03/01/2015 19:00

Green, solicitors. Yes I hope so. We are both from a finance background so should be ok provided I impose some restrictions to suit how I'm feeling at the time. Usually the threat of solicitors is enough for him. It may bloody well annoy him, but once we are negotiating, and if I feel he is being unfair, taking the mick or whatever, a genuine reply of mine about I think this should be passed on now, should bring him back to his senses.

He should be putting some options forward this month. Oh god it's like waiting on exam results! I've got a rough idea of what he would consider reasonable if he is going to be reasonable. I should know pretty quickly whether this is going to be civilised or civil war. We still have a joint bank account, both salaries still going in etc as before. I'm hopeful....

greenberet · 03/01/2015 19:10

keeping fingers crossed then izzie - im sure that will make a big difference - I could actually have gotten over this if it wasnt for the treatment now- I actually despise that he is the father of my kids and is such a weak example -the mediators said we still have to be parents for life so need to have some sort of parenting relationship - what a joke! my counsellor is back next week so hopefully she is going to put me back on the right track - i feel I could kill right now! must be hormonal too lol

Izzie595 · 03/01/2015 19:11

I was just thinking today - that I will never, ever be shouted at in my own home again (aside from the bloody cats). And that made me feel A LOT better.

And I will never be stonewalled and ignored again. Or being told I'm rude, when I'm actually just reacting to someone else's bad manners. Or being treated in a passive aggressive way.

Izzie595 · 03/01/2015 19:15

I know what you mean when you say the treatment now. Mine is turning into a real unhelpful bastard. Makes a real mockery of his text "you know I will help out when I can". Well he's either being held prisoner by the OW (highly likely), or that text was meant for someone else

Izzie595 · 03/01/2015 19:18

Green, I'm pleased to say my hormonal days are well behind me. 54 now, menopause roughly early 40s. Had minor hot flushes for a short time, a few episodes of bad PMT, then that was it, freedom!

Glad your counsellor due back

greenberet · 03/01/2015 19:22

yes I guess the OW must have some insecurities when the marriages have been so long - not that I would ever have him back now - shes actually done me a favour - all the things that never seemed quite right were right from my perspective - & hopefully I can undo any damage his parenting techniques have done

Izzie595 · 03/01/2015 19:22

I think I'm getting a bit senior....I saw Hobbit's post about us being twins, I think she said she's 53. And I thought I was younger than her!

I will return to that later, Hobbit Bobbit Fuck'Em!

Izzie595 · 03/01/2015 19:25

OW, yes I've just copied and pasted a PM I did earlier

From what I've read, this is the time the OW gets stressed. This is when real life hits them. They have to deal with the fallout and animosity from the family and the worry that he will decide they have nothing in common, no shared history etc. it appears the wife will always remain a threat in their minds. It is now their turn to worry about what's going on in the background.

Izzie595 · 03/01/2015 19:28

OW, yes there's quite a bit online about how few affairs survive the cold light of day. It's a very refreshing read

Izzie595 · 03/01/2015 19:33

OW, another reason to disengage from H is that often the affair needs a third party to prop it up. It needs the common enemy to fuel it. Which I had recently forgotten about myself, reminder definitely no unpleasant texts! This is certainly the case with my H.

Izzie595 · 03/01/2015 19:34

Catch you later x

greenberet · 03/01/2015 19:35

ive just tweeted OW telling her to remove my DD's pic from her profile - think i better hide now !

nozzz · 03/01/2015 19:39

Did OW post the pic, or favourite someone else's pic?

bigoldbird · 03/01/2015 19:40

I am so sorry for what you are going through and you have had fantastic advice here. 11 years ago today I though my life had ended because my husband of 23 years left me for OW.

I am a shy and quite timid person, and couldn't work out how to pay my £1000 a month mortgage with my £800 salary or bring up my two children or anything else.

Today I am still shy and timid, but that's OK, it is what I am and although he hated it it's fine. I have a new DH who loves me in a way I never knew anyone could be loved, and I love him with all my heart and soul. The children have survived, I think they are damaged by it, but they have got through and have relationships, careers etc.

It is OK, in fact the best it has ever been, and it will be for you too. It will take time to move on from the pain and depression but it will happen. There is a wonderful life waiting for you, when you are feeling strong, go out and grab it. When you are not strong, cry. I wish you the very very best of everything. xxxx

greenberet · 03/01/2015 19:41

favourite dhs tweet - does that make a difference

greenberet · 03/01/2015 19:45

good post bigoldbird

so who are you nozzz funny you should just make that comment - ff or bf?

greenberet · 03/01/2015 19:51

does anyone know who this nozzz is - got a feeling it may be DH or OW! if so you'd think they'd have something better to do - how pathetic

greenberet · 03/01/2015 19:56

not sure who you are nozzz but seems like you like to make random posts to stir things up!

greenberet · 03/01/2015 19:56

catch you other ladies tomorrow x