Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

Morning WWK, it's good to hear from someone who is actually going through the process. We are going to try to reach an agreement ourselves, but with independent advice from solicitors. So, knowing my H, I will get all those cliches in his words instead. Which, actually, will piss me off even more as he does his pompous "I'm always professional" line. I've set up a separate email account for official things with him, so I'm very mindful of what I say. As for texts, I'm not greatly concerned as I know he is absolutely desperate not to run up huge legal bills, like his OW has done, so I don't think he will go down that route. However, he should be concerned that I now have a text from him to say that she is financially self sufficient!! In her four bed detached house!

Hobbit, I know what you mean about the snoring dog. Our last one was terrible for that, but actually I found it rather endearing. It's funny the things you miss about pets. Not the dog hairs though!

Yes, that's true izzie, the ex did snore like a freight train, but didn't shed hair all over the house! I do prefer the dog though, she's the only other female in a house of men, we girls have got to stick together. She has become very protective of me of late, it's funny how they can pick up on your mood, she knows something isn't right. X hobbit, now washing the bedding.....

Yes, Izzie , my ex wants to avoid large legal bills as well, but sometimes you have got to spend money to make money haven't you? Mine is not a straightforward case, so I am not going to take whatever he deigns to give me, I will make sure I get what is right for us, he can afford it.

Huh! Mine too did snore like a freight train...starting to think we WERE all married to the same man. 'Except mine won't negotiate at all .

Want a dog. Got two cats though - and yes major behavioural changes since he fucked off. Cat 1 has become a lap cat by day and Cat 2 now sleeps with me at night. Neither did any of those things before.

...when they are spouting such self righteous gibberish not to retaliate with a good old Anglo-Saxon swear word or nine I loved this! 'Tis true. I've practically chewed my knuckles off in the last eight months not responding. Okay, I've written a few letters - but I didn't send 'em so I think that's fine (I hope!).

Yes, Well, I have now decided to write down everything in a notebook, so it gets it all out of my system, (you can swear as much as you like on the page), I can call him every kind of cunt there is , and tell him to go and fuck himself to the far side of fuck, and not get in any trouble at all. It feels good to release the poison, venting on here to my buddies helps of course, ( I hope I can call you all that! ) and to my friends in RL. I just want to see his face when I rip into him, I have tried to remain calm and dignified when in his presence to protect my settlement, but when that is all done and signed off I relish the shitstorm that I will send his way. AIBU ? As MN would say, I think NOT..... Hobbity bobbit , writing furiously.....

Hobbit, agree entirely with your point about solicitors. Money spent wisely on them can reap dividends. I will be using them so they can guide me through what is and isn't viable, fair etc as he comes up with suggestions, but leaving myself to do the actual negotiating. I've already told H that I will only do it by email, not face to face. That will work in my favour. I thought I would let him do the initial offers and take it from there. I have a rough idea of what I could get etc. I've also decided that solicitors can step in if necessary.

How strange that the dog treats him differently. I would have thought she would have just welcomed him as normal. They are clearly smarter than we think! I have always had bitches. Me, the dogs, twat and the sons.

WWK, having one not willing to negotiate, absolute torture I'm sure.

The NC thing, it's definitely best not engaging with them I feel, but sometimes we just can't help ourselves, can we? I realise that any delay in replies from him (usual) and any twatty replies (usual) just wind me up, and it gives him oxygen for his pomposity. I should cut off that supply by no contact. Which I'm now doing.

I feel I'm having a breakthrough emotionally. I've been getting really angry at his lack of cooperation, the way he's dumped loads of jobs onto me etc etc. This morning I had a quick glimpse of a "meh, whatever"moment with it. As in thinking he's just an idiot, and the thought of someone like him is boring and not worth thinking about. I think that's a good teensy step on the way to emotionally disengaging with him. I've had plenty of the usual thoughts today too, but I'm practising the "meh, whatever" response. I long for the day when he just won't phase me at all. He will just become one of those people I know who I don't particularly dislike, but I just find I have no interest whatsoever engaging with them. Someone once told me to treat an ex like damaged goods, to just feel superior and a bit sorry for them. Obviously not too sorry haha

Hobbit, my brother said to hold the venom until settlement agreed too. I've kept a bit of a diary before, and yes it is certainly therapeutic.

Being calm and dignified. Not just to get the settlement, but also because sometimes it can mightily piss them off! It's telling them you're rising above them.

And yes, we are all buddies!! We are lovely ladies who just like swearing occasionally.....but we most definitely do not like each other's H's.

A tip if any if us decide to date again. Remember the identifying info on this thread so we don't end up with each other's pieces of shite! There, a new swear word to throw in!!

Right, off to get some painting done. Catch up later xx

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

they might be useful
good luck

Well I live in the wilds of woolly back N Wales, so I doubt you would ever bump into my ex piece of shite! Totally agree with everything you said Izzie, I think we were twins separated at birth, that is if you are a 53 year old, 5ft 2in, slightly chubby, ( although not so much now re divorce diet) dog loving, loon, who loves vodka and cranberry and laughing, (although not so much at the moment, meh, ) catch you later x
Love to you WWK, will pm later, x

I'm vulnerable, Hobbit, to meeting him but I gather he's a bit pre-occupied at the moment with someone else and I'm NOT the kind of person who involves themselves in other people's relationships because 1) I'm a little bit judgemental about that and 2) I'm rather distrustful of people with appendages jutting out of their bodies right now.

I may change my mind in the future about 2). Not even going to contemplate 1).

I'm svelte figure wise! Wasn't eight months ago. Screw Slimming World - just get a divorce!

Yes, it's tough him not negotiating. It's even tougher seeing how he's collapsed and spent all the financial investments in his name, bar the ones that are frozen. I wonder if he's still so righteously indignant or whether he's calmed down yet. 'Tis interesting times in nine days for sure.

You will see for sure in nine days time, countdown is progressing! Love and hugs to you,xx

I saw fuckface and bitchface, (as I like to call them, ) before heading off somewhere in his car, and instead of bursting into tears, which I would of done a few days ago, I just went 'Meh, fuck em!' How good is that! What an achievement on my part, go hobbity bobbity! Ahem! Flowers please everyone?

Well done you! Don't worry if the tears come back though - it's perfectly okay to be okay and to be sad!

WWK

hobbit just logged on & saw ff &bf - made me laugh

I am fuming - I am stalking OW twitter (I know, I know) & she has only favourited a pic of my DD who she has never met & is unlikely too - & FIL but don't care about him - I have just sent DH a text telling her to remove
it! hobbit that targeting - what the hell is she on!

Woo hoo, I've sent flowers! Well done Hobbit!! I'm just thinking of Little Britain show. You could do a Carol, you know the one who says "computer says no". You could just cough in their direction hah!

Green, what a ridiculously immature thing to do, in my opinion. Favouriting a pic of someone she's never met. Stupid woman. Cough!

Well done you!
Xxx

hello Izzie - just been catching up with todays posts - ineed a bit of your emotional breakthrough - im dropping fast

Green It's still ONLY five months, you are still allowed, after 20 bloody years to mourn what you had. I had a good old cry today too - but I don't cry over him now, I just cry over what I've been forced to give up. It's different. Try not to do Internet Stalkery - almost all social media is a form of marketing. She's hardly going to put a tweet out there 'Yep, I am a stupid bitch for meeting a married man, because he's a knob and I wish I hadn't'....but it doesn't mean she's not thinking it (or won't think it in the future). Take care.

PS Putting a picture of your daughter, if she's never met her, is outrageous.

just been reading your post Well- not too pleased about the cliches - i tell you i will make sure my DD never does what I did - what gets me it was a joint decision back then now I can take a running jump. I am still sending the emails but I am refraining from using bad language - Im not sure where this is going to end up but its not going to be easy & im hoping the more emails i have where he does not reply confirms the stonewalling I am talking about. I have also been copying my sol in on most communication so she has a picture of whats going on as it happens -

thanks well i know you are right - i dont mourn him either - i mourn what I thought we had who I thought he was - & more than that what he's doing to the kids - thats what gets me the most - the fact that he thinks he is being perfectly reasonable.

Oh Green, is that just today? It's such an up and down thing, isn't it? Ok, try this: write down all the reasons why you would never want to take up with him again, things not related to OW business. Concentrate on things like maybe his annoying habits, certain things that used to make you cringe, that awful jumper he used to wear etc. I find that ridiculing someone has always helped me to get over them.

Remember, each shit day done is one less to do.

If it helps, I've had a few "what if" moments today as well as the "meh, whatever" and the anger stuff.

I have to say, the stalking stuff just makes you worse. I suppose it's all part of the process. I've looked her up countless times. I know exactly what I will find. Same as every other time. No twitter, no facebook, nothing except an official doc.

he is out to destroy me & "punish" me for daring to question him - he has always gone on about how I am separate to the kids - i dont get this - but he thinks he can be fine with them & treat me how he wants & everything is ok.
Ive been told to get a job - as a cashier in a supermarket if necessary - no disrespect to those that do but for the last 20 years I have not needed to work have had 3 holidays a year and am now being told my lifestyle has to change as there isn't the money to support it and he reckons his solicitor has told him this - but from the cliches you've said well could be true -its getting to be a bit of a game- and it is so frustrating
izzie i hope you are able to sort most of it out yourself - it will save you a fortune.