Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

Great post bigoldbird. So good to know there is life and happiness after all this rubbish. I'm in my mid 40s, and while I'm in no hurry to get involved with any sticky-out appendages any time soon (BTW what happened to Mr bobbit and said appendage?) I'd like to think there is someone special out there.

Bigoldbird Thank you.

OK. So. Google tells me that Mr Bobbit and his appendage were reunited thanks to a surgeon and his sewing kit, and he went on to become a porn star!
In the interests of womankind, have decided that no-one needs to see his sweaty rump pounding away at some poor woman on film so much as I'd like to separate my stbxfw from his "manhood" I'll save you all from lifelong trauma!

Ha ha , ideservemore, thanks for thinking of our delicate constitutions, i for one would relish doing a Lorena Bobbit, I am old enough(ahem), to remember the case , and she didn't get very long in prison! Her sentence was cut in half, just like his dick was, ( god I'm so witty when I've had a gin or two ) hobbit, hic, feeling happy! X nos dda all .

Hobbit, haha, you certainly ARE witty after a gin or two!

Bigoldbird. Another thank you! It is so nice when people like you take the time to post supportive messages. It would be so easy to just read the thread, shudder at the memories, be thankful for your own happy present and move on. Very much appreciated.

Had an arsey text from him a while ago about wanting something. OMG my heart started racing, you know that unpleasant wound up feeling. So I carried on what I was doing, then much later copied his text to my email account and sent a perfectly reasonable and friendly reply. I didn't mention any of the surrounding issues, which I could have done in the context of his original text.

Ladies, I feel sooooo good about that! I didn't sink to his pompous official tone, I refused to get personal, I refused to mention the surrounding issues, which would have given him a chance to be even more pompous.

Moral victory to me!

Hello ladies. Hope you don't mind me joining you. Your stories are all so similar to mine and I have just read the whole thread in disbelief at how these men turn into such monsters.

My husband had a brief fling with someone when I was pregnant with our second child and then once our baby was born, started an affair with someone else. He abandoned me and the children to have an affair, telling me he was mentally ill and needed space from the family home to resolve his issues. Having never had any reason to doubt him, I believed him - he was also swearing on the children's lives nothing was going on.

Anyway. I found out the truth early this year and he tried to come back but after a day of listening to his crap, I knew he no longer had a place in my life. He went back to the OW and within two months got her pregnant. I have only just found this out. His family have told me that he told them he didn't see a future with her (before he found out about the pregnancy) so I have times when I pity him. Then I think no, he deserves everything that he gets.

He has turned in to the most vile human being I have ever encountered. I think the guilt has destroyed him and I find myself feeling glad that I am not him. He is already in masses of debt, has lost all his family and friends, rents, has quit his job and is working in an incredibly stressful industry which he failed in years ago. It's just such a mess but I still find myself thinking it was somehow my fault and she must be better than me in some way. Even though people who know them both have said it's an absolute disaster.

I just wanted to say I know what you are going through and I'm 8 months on and still have terrible days. BUT I do have some really good days too and I'm hoping that the ratio of good to bad will keep on increasing all the time.

It's nice (though sad) to follow others going through the same. I hope 2015 brings us all happiness.

Familyofthree, good to have you on board, regrettable as it is that you are in that situation. Will catch up and do a proper reply later.

Hi, family of three, welcome to our(not) so merry band! I am so sorry to hear the depths that some men will plumb to hide evidence of an affair, mentally ill, really! Taking advantage of your kind and caring nature so he could go off and shag not one but two other women, and while you were pregnant, and then looking after his two small children. I am outraged on your behalf, but encouraged to hear that you are now having more good days than bad. I am also happy to hear that he has made a monumental cockup( excuse the pun!)of his life. Please don't waste one minute of your time feeling sorry for him, he made his choices, they were very bad ones, and had nothing to do with you and your relationship. You did nothing wrong, wrong was done to you and your children, please remember that.
Does he still have contact with the children? That must be difficult .
Keep posting, we will all help each other through this, it is therapeutic to say whatever you want , and not pretend everything is fine and dandy.

Hi familyofthree. Am so sorry you've been through such an awful time but glad to hear that some of the time, at least, you have some positive days. Its totally shit, isn't it? But you are among friends. We are all at different stages on this hideous hateful journey that a stupid man made each of us embark on against our will, but we all understand. And no-one judges. At least, not those of us that truly empathise. Feel free to rant, ask for help, and share your highs and lows. Oh, and your gin!

And well done Izzie for holding your head up high and remaining dignified. Takes a superhuman effort, I've decided, especially when you just want to hurl insults (and sharp objects).
KOKO x

Thank you for your kind words. You're right - it's shit! But then again, there are so many positives in my life now that weren't there before because of him. He was so controlling and everything was always about him; what he wanted, spending money on things for him, a new job, a new hobbie blah blah blah. I don't know how I got myself in to the position where I was just living to make him happy but I guess that was all part of the manipulation. I will never live for anyone else's happiness but my own (and my children's) now.

Since our separation he has been absolutely dreadful. Intimidation and bullying are his favourite methods of trying to get his own way. With regards to the children, due to various issues surrounding when the affair was exposed (he had a complete mental breakdown and I discovered an alcohol problem) contact has been supervised until recently. He took me to court for shared residency but after wasting thousands (on both sides) he has backed out and accepts that isn't best for the children. He has basically had minimal contact with them for the last year, choosing the OW over them. He now sees them every week with a view to extend to overnight stays in the next month. I am absolutely dreading it. They live in a one bedroom flat (the flat of sin I call it) and the sleeping arrangements for the children make me sick (my eldest will sleep in their bed, the 1 year old in the cot bought for their baby and they will sleep downstairs). Cafcass have been involved and don't seem to have a problem with this.

He has told me he is waiting on the financial settlement so they can get their own place. Unfortunately he is worth absolutely nothing so I am having to buy him out and will get nothing in return (other than the house, which I love and have spent lots of time decorating exactly how I've always wanted). I think he's going to be sorely disappointed as expects 50% of the equity but he'll have to take me to court, again, if he wants that.

Anyway. I wanted to share some postives now he has gone. My house is amazing and no longer has his crap everywhere. I don't have to nag him about tidying said crap up. I do whatever I want in the evenings and don't have to listen to his constant dissatisfaction with life. I have so many friends who over the years I lost touch with but now have all rallied round. I am absolutely loving going out dancing and getting all dressed up (we got together very young so I feel like I missed my youth). But bigger things are that I feel like I have so much more potential now. I can take my kids on holidays he never would have agreed to, see friends he didn't get on with (probably because they didn't get on with him), parent my children exactly how I want to. It's all exciting when you think about the possibilities. It's just the pain, humiliation, betrayal and all the lies - god the lies he told me and I fell for. It makes me sick to the stomach and I honestly don't know how he / they can live with themselves. I never could carry the burden of guilt they must have on them - as I said I think it has destroyed him. I take a bit of pleasure in the fact that he looks absolutely dreadful. Really old and haggard. Whereas me, thanks to barely eating, look my best ever!

Sorry for the long post, that obviously needed to come out. It does help, thank you.

Can relate to the "he looks old and haggard and I look my best ever!" Am still working on not looking as if I've been dug up, but from the neck down, thanks to the splendid Divorce Diet, I look amazing!

Am still working on not looking as if I've been dug up - yep, same here. But, then I'm heading into a Final Hearing, so I don't think it's the worst thing in the world that I look the way I've felt for 8 months. I'm always looking for positives me!

Thank you for your post Family. The bit about 'falling for the lies' is the bit I'm dreading in court...me: an intelligent bloody woman who for 15 years believed every piece of shit that man said. Turned out he was quite the liar. But I suppose the silver lining is that, little old me, keeps a lot of diaries over the years. Well, I'm a bugger for writing down what I'm actually thinking! Every cloud....

Well done Izzie on your moral victory!

Family of three sorry to hear about your husband, he certainly doesn't deserve any compassion from you. Lovely to hear about all the good times you are having. May there be many more. Thank you for sharing that it is heartening to know that while you may still have bad days you are having a lot of good times too.

Venting on here is good and it is helpful to have support along the way too.

My husband is currently living with the OW next door to me. He is moving into our flat when it becomes vacant shortly but I have realised today that the pain isn't going to ease when he moves. He is still going to be seeing her and the bastard sounds like he is fairly happy so I need to try and deal with the fact that he is likely to be seeing her for a while still.

Am starting decorating next week and going to try and keep busy as it is too easy to wallow rather be positive.

WWK - I can't imagine the stress of having a final hearing pending. I really hope things go in your favour. I assume he has lied throughout the whole process? Mine has too, I used to spend hours questioning my own version of events until it dawned on me... He just lies. Have you heard of The Scorpion and The Swan? Google it if you have a spare 5 mins, it relates well to narcissism.

iwas - I am so sorry you are having to endure that proximity to your ex. That is truly dreadful. I agree that the pain won't suddenly go but I am certain it will gradually ease. I have tried to go NC this last week (difficult with having kids) and it has helped massively. I now only allow myself to check my emails once in the evening - I would sometimes be checking them every couple of minutes.

Decorating sounds brilliant. It has really helped me. I try not to focus on thoughts of him too much but when I do I think he would struggle to see how lovely the house is now. What he's given up etc.

One of the worst thoughts I have that send me on a downward spiral is when I think of him being happy and that he has got away with it. Even if things look rosy on the outside, I don't think that means that everything actually is.

Excuse my language ladies, but to him, you fucking self entitled prick, cunt of the highest order with a sense of superiority and self importance matched only by your total failure as a husband and a father!!!

So after my nice email, he sends a self important load of bollocks about I have unilaterally made significant changes without out consultation to make his life order, is that the case? Oh fucking hell, this really upset me due to the pettiness and the untruths and the pure goading. And then he had the cheek to say he doesn't want to appear to be spiteful. No, he doesn't want to appear to be spiteful, to have had an affair, to have been an utter prick, because self image is so much more important than anything else, isn't it?

Well, I answered it in the same tone as before, although I was actually shaking. Asked for what he meant by his second paragraph, ie the one about unilateral changes. Then texted him to say I would drop over the photocopies. Oh and suddenly it wasn't so fucking important, he said he would collect them one evening during the week. No fucking way! So I persisted, then phoned her house to ensure she was in.

I took them round, phoned him to say I was outside, left the engine running. He was all nice as pie, saying oh no need to have done that. As he took the stuff, I just said shut the door. He said in a breezy way, how was I, am I ok, to which I just replied close the door. (Sorry I can't be bothered to punctuate this post! ). And I drove off without even looking at the fucker.

Got home, reversed off any changes I had made, you would not believe how insignificant they were. Emailed to say had done it. Also texted to say had done it.

Another moral victory and the best thing is that he won't be coming round therefore, which was my. Optic action for dropping the things off. I'm still shaking and upset as I'm writing this, but that pile of shite saw none of it.

Fucking arrogant tosser!

Sorry about the auto corrects in my last post, you get the gist.

Of course he hasn't replied to my text. He thinks he can wind me up by not replying. Well he won't see it unless he comes onto MN.

I may have broken my new year res about smoking in the house, but I've kept to the ones about him.

So fuck off you twat!

Ah, think I'm starting to calm down now.....

Izzie, your first paragraph (of your previous post) am going to print that and put it somewhere only I will see it. Just to remind me, on days when I'm not feeling so strong, that is exactly who he is. Couldn't have put it better myself.
Now, deep breaths. Well done. X

I'm still ranting. He came round Boxing Day, not sure if this is on here. Anyway, apart from the youngest totally blanking him, things were very pleasant between us and he appeared sorry to leave. And then a few days later, the shit started again and so I sent an email to him saying I had been thinking about it for a while and that I thought we should negotiate a final settlement so that we could both move on with our lives. As someone said, apart from the obvious financial reasons, it was also sending him a clear message that I was no longer interested in him, and that he could stay where he was. That was the last thing he would have expected.

Anyway, I think he's got more arsey since that.

So now he knows how it feel to be tossed aside. Like a tosser should!

Go for it IDeserveMore!

Ooh you know I so have this desire to actually name my ex twat. Or to start my own threat saying "***is a twat". And posting his place of work and address to avoid any doubt.

He was so pleased when he left and I said I would just tell the neighbours we had separated. Well, I was upset at the time..... But come gardening time, it will all be out in the open.

Thank God for MN, I can rant and rant without texting the bugger now.

Also, I think I'm now a fully fledged MNetter. I have nearly finished my photocopying. And taken out of the house all share certificates.

I have all my ducks lined up. Woo hoo!

FamilyOfThree I entirely agree with your last post about all the positives. There are so many.

I must just take issue about one thing. You mentioned the humiliation. As someone said to me, there is no humiliation for you: it is him who has humiliated himself.

Yours is the classic case of the "man's" life unravelling. It's so common. I can't wait for my ex to do the same: but not until after the financial settlement. Unless unravelling involves topping himself haha. Preferably not, don't want to miss out on the life insurance. Anything else fatal would be welcome

I know what you're saying but I still feel humiliated because I was with the guy for 12 years! It's like his actions reflect on me because I was the one who chose him. Maybe I need to rethink that as I can't be held accountable for someone else's behaviour. I just never thought he would behave like this so maybe it's embarrassment about my judgement. But I do believe this was a midlife crisis / mental breakdown type thing and I couldn't have predicted that 12 years ago!

Anyway. Izzie it sounds like you have a lot still to deal with. And correct me if I'm wrong but I get the impression he gets a kick out of you emailing / texting / popping round etc? The times when I have stood up for myself - like saying I wanted a divorce - caused him to send his most vile email ever. And the times where I simply have not replied or just replied one sentence emails have wound him up beyond belief. Is this something you could do more of? It might help you as well. Brings back a bit of much needed control I think.