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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

999 replies

Hobbitwife001 · 11/12/2014 23:34

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

OP posts:
IDeserveMore · 02/01/2015 20:01

Oh my god greenberet, as if you don't already have enough to deal with. I really really hope you have lots of RL support to help you through this. That puts my horrid situation totally into perspective.
Lots of hugs x

greenberet · 02/01/2015 20:07

ideserve if you are going through anything that I have been through without this last bit you deserve lots of hugs too! Actually bizarre as it sounds i think i have been lucky - it was a random screening, extremely small and wouldn't have been detected as a lump until 18months to 2 years - the 2nd biopsy was benign - so something to be thankful for! Im not sure who I am anymore - I am struggling but somehow i keep going - it is not so much this that is bothering me but the "thing" I am having to divorce!

Izzie595 · 02/01/2015 20:43

IDeswrveMore hahaha classic earlier post!!

You know how some people get rid of a dodgy car and the next owner is well and truly stitched up. Well, hello OWs!

Izzie595 · 02/01/2015 20:45

Oh Greenberet I've just read your post about the cancer. Big hugs.

Izzie595 · 02/01/2015 20:55

Believe me, they will all come a cropper. I've read so much on MN and other places, as well as RL. We are suffering now, but they appear to be the ultimate losers in the end.

I have to say, if you take an emotional step back and look at the posts that are not written by you, the men's actions are almost laughable. It helps me to put things into perspective with my own situation. They and he are just a joke really. It does help to think of them as pathetic.

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 02/01/2015 21:57

Yes izzie , I think it does feel strange for him to come to the house now, even the dog treats him differently! I should train her to attack on sight! Ha ha I would like him to text or email to let me know when he is coming as I don't want to see him, as he is still paying the mortgage I can't ask him not to.
It is only an excuse to see my sons as otherwise they would not bother with him. I just get a bad feeling that things are going to get nasty when I don't accept his offer, ( how can I as there is no provision for my youngest son ) and I am anxious about that . Hobbit, feeling antsy.....

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 02/01/2015 22:15

I've just started on the road to a financial settlement. Emailed him a few days ago. Yes, it's definitely got me anxious too. My sis in law said that on a radio prog they said to 100% get professional advice, esp if you have been a SAHM and he has a much higher salary and pension. Also on the prog they said not to rush as these decisions could affect the rest of your life.

I know nobody wants to run up solicitors bills, us included, but just be guided by the solicitor's advice.

Apologies if you're doing all this already.

I suppose to a certain extent it's a game of nerves. Not one anyone wants to play.

Why is he making no provision for your youngest? Don't feel you have to answer me.

We will all hold hands as we go through this awfully stressful stuff.

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 02/01/2015 22:20

Oh green, just read your post, sending you hugs and strength and all kinds of positive vibes, so glad that it was detected early. My word, what a complete cunt the man is being, sorry forswearing but that is the only word which describes him adequately. I got very angry for my twat having his fiftieth birthday party in the local pub, arranged for him by his new girlfriend , and sent out an abusive text ( also called him a cunt) . He said thank you for the lovely message, I said you're welcome the first of many I'm sure!
But then I was told off by my sol as well, so I stopped contact altogether.
If I can't swear at him then why bother talking at all! It was just that he couldn't see what he had done wrong at all, stupid, entitled, dickhead.
You are right ladies, we do deserve more, they are pathetic, we will be a lot happier without them. Hobbit, swearing a lot, but not by text......

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 02/01/2015 22:22

The getting nasty stuff is about him losing control. It's a game of nerves for him too. It's too easy for us to imagine they are well sorted with all of this. But if you think about it, there is so much press about how men lose out big time in divorce settlements, so I think they get very worried too.

Izzie595 · 02/01/2015 22:28

How utterly ridiculous of these tits to complain about abusive texts. It's a bit bloody late to be a sensitive flower......

I'm thinking of the woman who cut all the bottoms off her husband's clothes, and the one who gave away his very expensive wine.

And Mrs Bobbit. Haha

Izzie595 · 02/01/2015 22:33

Actually, I use the C word when I'm doing something I'm finding really really difficult that he would have usually done. Like painting the ceiling in the stairwell.out I come with "you c*". It's almost a code in this house now for "I'm having trouble doing this". Oldest son's reply is always to tell me to concentrate on the job

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 02/01/2015 22:34

He has said he will support him until he finishes uni in 2017, but not after then as he MAY get a job. Given that he commutes to uni, I take him four days a week, as we live in a very rural area, it is very unlikely with his limited social skills that he would be able to find a job to enable him to live independently. I would be worried that he would be unable to cope alone and so we would need to find a house together. On my income I could not afford to pay rent and bills and support him as well, so I will fight my corner to get maintenance for him. My ex has a good job and so does the ow, so it's not as if he couldn't afford it, he just doesn't like the idea of paying me for the rest of his life. But although he can choose to end his marriage, he cannot abandon his responsibility to his son.
And if he is difficult I will make sure everyone in the village knows just what a decent , upstanding father he is. Hobbit, being bitter and twisted with good reason. ......

OP posts:
Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 02/01/2015 22:41

Maybe I could change my name to mrs hobbit bobbit? Has a certain ring to it doesn't it? I so wish I had done something along those lines, in fact he did lock the bedroom door and jam something underneath when he finally decided to come clean, what a pathetic fool.

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 02/01/2015 22:43

Ooh I can feel myself really getting riled by their twatty attitude to swearing. As though they have some sort of moral high ground. My H is one for public image. When we were arguing and the window was open, I used to deliberately use the words "your affair". He would be like Mary Whitehouse, rushing to shut the window, haha. Oh I'm laughing about it now. The best thing I did was to email a sort of business/personal couple to tell them that we had separated so could they ensure we were both copied in on any emails. I said something like, H and I have separated. He has decided to set up home with his mistress. Please can you ensure etc. This couple are Mr and Mrs Respectable. He would be mortified if he knew!

Izzie595 · 02/01/2015 22:45

Haha I'm laughing about him locking himself into the bathroom!

Maybe the Hobbit name was a Freudian slip......

Izzie595 · 02/01/2015 22:46

The maintenance re your youngest, that really is disgusting.

WellWhoKnew · 02/01/2015 22:47

Green, likewise huge hugs, having the divorce stress is one thing, having a health anxiety on top is something else entirely Flowers. Take care - each day as it comes.

I'll say this, though to anyone, if you can (and I'll concede I am the queen of NC) please do be careful about what you put down in writing word wise. Should you have all the misfortune of fuckwittery that it ensures your divorce goes to a Final Hearing (avoid at all costs!), you don't want to be re-reading them words! Don't give them the ammunition - then all they can do is fire blanks [My motto emoticon]. Calling a STBXH a 'cunt' directly, by text, email or verbally, is an arrestable offence. Not saying anymore than that. Snowey Whitey is a cunt. I can tell all of you that. Can't say it to his face. But, hey, who gives a fuck about him?

It is tremendously nasty stuff - so I envy no-one for having to go through this (except the cunts that chose it for us!) but prepare yourselves mentally for the following divorce cliches:

  • "We" are all money-grabbing fishwives who married in order to get a meal ticket for life. You'll all get that sentence in more legaltastic speak than I can produce!
  • "We" have had the benefit of our husbands' superior earning capacity for years. The fact that 'we' took the lazy option of supporting them, or indeed, wrecked our bodies bearing children with them, and/or sacrificing our careers to improve theirs matters not one jot. They've disposed of us now, so therefore, we need to 'understand' their sacrifice for us is no more and 'get over it'.
  • "We" all have an 'earning capacity' - which is lovely legaltastic speak that implies we can swan into a job of our choosing, on the day of the week that the planet Uranus isn't pissing on our chips.

Sucks but thems the cliches.

KOKO one and all.

WWK

Izzie595 · 02/01/2015 22:57

WellWhoKnew that is an eye opener. I am amazed they get involved in all that stuff, I thought they only concerned themselves with finance and seriously bad behaviour, like violence.

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 02/01/2015 22:59

Hi WWK, nice to hear from the wise old bird, ( I know, you're younger than me, don't rub it in! ) I only did send that one text, I can be forgiven for one surely, won't do it again promise! It is so difficult though, when they are spouting such self righteous gibberish not to retaliate with a good old Anglo-Saxon swear word or nine. That's why I've gone no contact.KOKO to us all x

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 02/01/2015 23:05

It's a man's world it would seem. They can shag and fuck, yet we can't call them fuckers!

Izzie595 · 02/01/2015 23:07

Self righteous gibberish. Bingo!

Izzie595 · 02/01/2015 23:08

Oh I shouldn't laugh, but how absolutely ridiculous are they? I can see why so many second marriages fail. Look at the pool available....

Izzie595 · 02/01/2015 23:12

Right, off to have a bath, very late one. Then a lovely sleep without the snorting pig. Catch you all again xx

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 02/01/2015 23:20

Enjoy your bath Izzie, I agree about the snorting pig malarkey, although the dog isn't much better! Nos dda, WWK .

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 02/01/2015 23:49

Izzie You are absolutely right. It's all about the finances, basically, you are arguing why it shouldn't be a 50/50 split with clean break.

A 50/50 split with clean break is the starting point. Not the end point. That's why you need to brace yourself for the cliches of the solicitor's letters.

Only the very rich exit marriage with a near on 50/50 split and clean break.

'Cos it's all the circumstances of the case that rules.

Nos dda. Bobbit Hobbit. KOKO.