Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

Do you think he will bring the car over today Izzie?
He is acting like a prize twunt isn't he?
Showing his true colours, I wondered when that was going to happen, it seems to have been quite amicable up to now.
Get yourself to a solicitor honey, get clued up on everything you need to know, and file your petition first, you will have plenty of time to sort out all your financial stuff, but it shows your intent, it shows you are in control, not him, he has been the one to take control through the marriage re moneyetc.,
Don't let him manipulate you any longer, you need a car, he won't give you his car, so go and get a car.
You are not in even the first stage of divorce yet, so there are no legal ramifications, only personal objections from him because you are not following his 'orders'.
I completely understand your position, as my stbxh did all the financial decision making in our relationship, that's just how it worked best for us, but now things have changed irrevocably and you cannot rely on him to be fair and reasonable. I hope you slept ok, you sounded very angry and upset. Xx love hobbit.

hi izzie - sounds to me like your DH is catching up with mine -
that is exactly the pattern ive experienced - I ask, no reply, I ask again & sometimes again and again, no reply, I make a decision, tell him what im doing, take action, then get a reply saying he doesn't agree with what im doing, why have i done that because you did not reply, his justification "i have been busy, with kids, working, reasonable, tweeting, staying in fancy hotels anything but answer your emails", doesnt like what i have done - when i defend myself and stand up to him - he doesnt like that either - tries turning the tables to play victim and when that still doesnt work out comes the old "harrassment- report to police trump card" - I know consider his actions to be malicious.

this is why i am constantly back & forth to the GP getting my ADS increased - if this abuse was physical - i would be black & blue by now.

try & have a day "off" today if you can - i can see that you are "boiling" at the moment - try and reduce that down to "simmering" by doing something good for you - if not possible just keep venting on here - we will get you through!

xx

Thank you green and your fist paragraph......except for the police bit at the end, yes exactly.

I will try to get stuff sorted in the house. Realistically, the longer this continues re car, the greater the case I have. Not sure a case for what though.

If, at the end of all this, the house I'm in doesn't have his name on the deeds, he will NEvER be allowed over the threshold. Kids can have anyone else back, but never him. I'm cutting him out of my life as soon as financials are sorted

looks like my F888888G T888T is being true to form - now updating his social activity with DD knowing she will tell me - early birthday present this time- always some F88888G justification - the money he gave me wasnt sufficient last month for me to do anything - i have been funding what social life i have had with ebay sales. kids need new clothes they are growing overnight - no money for that - i havent got round to checking the expenditure yet but will get on top of this - and I expect his will be more than mine when he eventually gets round to providing his personal bank statements that his sol is "not aware of him refusing" to provide- oh & hes coming out with the bullshit to DD "we must go to more concerts" - i have figured out the reason for his new car - yes last one was on its last legs but if he wasnt doing a 6hr round trip to OW every couple of weekends the old one would have done fine and no doubt the petrol is going through the company!

Izzie - i need to listen to what I am telling you - and breathe!!!!

think i may impose a ban on all electronic devices in this house - except for this lol

always asks DD what we are doing - we are doing the F888888G usual of walking the dog, getting school stuff ready, changing lightbulbs, trying to repair a broken light in the bathroom, trying to get the last xmas boxes in the loft, washing sports kits, all the stuff that responsible parents with kids & a dog who give a shit about their families normally do on a Sunday and thats without thinking about what else i need to do to get ready for thursday!

and here come the tears! and I wish they would stop that blimming cancer day advert on the radio!

and he wants to know why he thought there was nothing between us because he never put any effort in - he was bored because he never wanted to do anything - he "needed" someone to talk to because he never talked to me and if all these men were so unhappy in their marriages before they buggered off - do you think their wives may have had an inkling - do you think their kids may have suspected that they weren't happy rather than it coming as a complete shock to them too- the reason for this is its all bullshit - they weren't unhappy not in their marriages anyway - they were unhappy with themselves, bored of their boring life, getting old but too scared to admit to it & so when some young B888H comes along they think they've won the lottery - suddenly life is so much more exciting! and to justify their selfish cruel behaviour out they "trot" with Ive been unhappy for years! - spineless utter B888888S!

and yes if he wants to use my rants against me as some sort of mental instability go ahead - im ready for you!

Hi Drifting, it's so nice to hear from you, you sound much more positive, :)
Just a word of warning on the settlement front, don't rely on her feeling guilty for getting a better outcome, that won't be the case, as I have found to my cost.
I kept things very non confrontational with my stbxh, because I thought that he would feel so guilty for having put me and my sons through this hell that would be generous in his proposal. Alas, it was just basically a 50/50 split, and that is the minimum I would receive anyway. So I am now having to fight my corner, and I am sure he will use nasty tactics to try and avoid paying more. So be prepared for unreasonable behaviour and demands from your stbxw, they are not the person you married, you cannot rely on them to be fair and trustworthy. Lots of love to you and your son, you are doing so well. Xx

Green it's fucking mid life crisis men.

Remember THIS.....if they were happy in their new lives, wouldn't they treat their exes with respect?? Well, if it was you that had left, got yourself a new partner and was happy with him.....how would you deal with the ex husband and kid whose lives you trashed?

perhaps if we get our timing right ladies we can all get our twunts to pick up their parental responsibilty at the same time and can clear off together on some extended leave of absence and go purchase multiple keyrings

Green , that post where I said I could have written that....I would say that is very good evidence of HIS unreasonable behaviour anyway.

Key rings......I'm a bolt woman only now......

Anyone want to bid for mine though, I will put the cash towards a new car

yes Izzie i am with you on that - would have no need to rub our noses in it - thats because deep down they know the buck all lies with them but they have to keep up this "charade" to justify to themselves and everyone else that its the wives! - their wives are making them behave like this - noone else!

why do they think there is a label - because so many of them have done exactly the same and a pattern was spotted - ah but of course they are the exception - they are not having a mid life crisis they have found their true love!

what a load of shite!

I can see it's going to be a day for venting and ranting today! Go ahead ladies, get it all out! Better out than in, as my old mum used to say:)
Seriously , green , I totally agree with your last post, they are twunts of the highest order, justifying their appalling behaviour by blaming their wives and humdrum existence, FFS, lots of people carry on normal lives without having to resort to shagging other women and totally destroying their family in the process.
There is no excuse for what they have done, no reason to cause so much hurt, just selfishness, cruelty and entitlement.

We did not choose this, but it has happened to us and we must get through it, and in the best way we can, with the best outcome for our families we can, and we WILL, we HAVE to , because the other option is untenable.
Love and strength, right over might, betrayed wives over unfaithful scumbags , xx hobbit

Well, I sent the text about how much to spend on car again. Got a reply saying he would "respond to the officious email you sent late last night this morning" . Twat.

I didn't reply because I was out risking my youngest son's life driving him to work.

When I got back I just sent him the same text about how much to spend on car again.

Forwarding duplicate texts. What a marvellous time saver, rather than writing out again

And will the eagerly awaited be full of any answers re how much should I spend on a car and where do I get the money from? The fuck it will! I intend to reply with the monotone calm reply.....how much should I spend on a car and where do I get the money from.

If only there was a way to diarise the phone so it would just spout these texts every hour or so. I have a piece of paper beside me, keeping track of the times.

Hobbit, Drifting, yes money soon kicks in. Hobbit, a 50/50 initial offer that is outrageous!!

I think I've said it before on here already, but anyway.....

I've heard about the twatty tone of solicitors letters. And I have to say that the officious shit that this twat comes out with, I really wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

I've fantasised that if he appoints such a twat further down the line....erm not quite so far now.....that I'm going to send a reply "fuck off you twat". Knowing that those four little words will cost him quite a bit in legal fees.

Ah, venting on here definitely is a lifesaver!

thanks Hobbit - how have you got your head in such a good place - is it the vino?

izzie 50/50 is the norm these days i think - doesnt seem to matter that we are the ones doing majority childcare etc or the ones that have been left high & dry - its all done on "needs" - however DH seems to think its based on "wants" - but i have no needs - but he has plenty of "wants"

izzie

Hobbit's better out than in comment....yes if only we could pass them out of our backsides........once we had retrieved them from up their own backsides of course......and then flush the toilet

izzie you make me laugh
I bet you are a v respectable lady in RL :-)

No vino today, Green, off to work now, take good care of yourselves everyone, catch you later, don't let the bastards grind you down! Xx

have a good day hobbit - thanks for support big hugsxx

50/50, I know it starts from there, but I'm just bloody amazed that anyone could use that as an opening offer when they know the reality. They know it's about needs, so why make the ex go through all of it.....silly me, what a daft assumption and what a daft question!

Green, well to paraphrase Shitbag Loosescrew, I don't want to be SEEN or PERCEIVED as being.......not respectable!

I think I may have royal blood in me.....thinking that my comment about flushing down the toilet has parallels with the Charles and Camilla tampon chat. Tally ho!