Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

yes WWK - get yourself a nice keyring whilst you're there! have a good time xx

Went round there and called him outside. Told him I'm not happy driving a dangerous car and had been for two weeks. Said I wanted my car back, he got narky and said fucks sake, then I would have to wait as he had to empty it out so would bring back later. I said no I would wait, he walked off so I shouted out I can come in for a cup of tea if you like! Anyway, he went back in house, refused to answer door etc. spoke to me on phone and said I had no right going round there! Said he had told me to get a replacement car! I said in which case I would need my car back to trade in so give it back. Said I would get police, he said go on then. In the end I had no choice but to come home. Got a text to say go home will call you later.

He is unravelling. I saw it in his face.

It won't be a pleasant ride for me but he's unravelling. That's good enough for me.

He has also taken the answer phone off on the landline since I called it five minutes earlier. He's not being rational. I'm going to email him to get it on record

I don't for one minute believe he will return the car. I've emailed him on the "official" email I set up for financial stuff, put on record tonight's events and formally requested return of car. Said in the email that I had texts to prove it was NOT the case that I was to go and get a replacement car. And have checked my texts since.

I'm not going to push things tonight as that will play into his hands. If I had had the spare key I would have just taken the car, but I don't.

Will see what tomorrow brings. I think I may be able to get round him financially blocking a purchase. I clearly can't trade in my car if I don't have it. So that will add to the cost, as the car will then have to be scrapped. It's worth nothing.

I'm tempted to send a copy of the email to his family. He seems to have nobody to stop his behaviour, so sod it, they can know what's happening. I will also send a copy of the email to my workplace, so they can see what I have had to endure.

He is not being rational, he is in a rage. He doesn't go into rages unless he has gone totally barking. He's unravelling.

There have been various things in our recent history that have made me think, this is it, this is the thing to hold onto, the thing to totally kill all residual feelings. Tonight, I saw pure hatred in his face, as well as the pathetic apology of a human being he has become. A total and utter knob, as mentally unhinged as the nutter he is shagging. Someone who has totally lost the plot. Someone who I have zero respect for and hold in utter contempt. I think the moment has arrived.

It looks like I could be in for a tough time. So be it. He is unravelling now. THAT is my revenge.

Not quite three months that took.

He disgusts me

why is it that even when he is not here he is still causing problems - DD does not want to know that he is with that F88888G B888H as she calls her - it doesn't make her feel good to know that he has chosen OW over her despite what he says - she knows that he made no effort to try & sort things out with me before making his decision -she knows his behaviour ruined her family. so when he has a conversation with DD and tells her what he has been doing with F888888G B888H it pisses her off and then I have to deal with the repercussions and tonight everything is back to being my fault. why do these men have no concern over anybody elses feelings except their own. The F88888G B888H is never going to be part of DD's life so stop telling her what you are doing! It is eroding her self -esteem and I am the one that has to put her back together whilst you play Romeo & Juliet! without a care in the world for your own kids well - being! Sort the bloody finances out so they have some certainty over their future!

hi izzie looks like we're struggling tonight!

Green, how fucking deluded are these twats to think that kids beyond a certain age are NOT going to ever accept the other person who was instrumental in causing the wrecking of the marriage, let alone play happy families?

DD is taking it out on you because you are the closest person to her. Try not to take it personally. I do know what you mean though, I've had at least one shouting match with one of my sons saying it's not MY fault! It just gets to you, doesn't it?

As for the cunt! at my end, no car returned. Kids have been told all. They are not impressed. I've sent two texts, again asking for return, and saying that it's now theft. I'm not pushing it any further. I'm not giving him a chance to try to turn this back on me. What a prick he is

Izzie - I know it is hard but if the incident tonight has shown you what is truly like, then that is another step forward. I think I have also reached the stage where I realise that it doesn't matter what is happening in my life as he is only interested in himself. It is a hard lesson to learn.

Green - as Izzie says, your DD is upset with you because you are the one that she can rely on no matter what. She knows that it is not your fault but his but knows that you love her enough so that she can show you her hurt and anger.

Things have been pretty quiet for me this week with both DD and DS being sick - and we have had no major arguments or upsets. I know he was with OW last night and it still feels like I am being kicked in the stomach every time I know he is there. I wonder when you stop felling like that? Anyway I didn't react to it and we have actually been quite civil to each other this week.

Hugs to everyone xx

He won't reply, I know. It's all on record.

I'm resisting the urge to push it further.

What a despicable piece of shit he is.

BUT, he's unravelling. So I have to remind myself that I may be fucking livid and stuffed now........

I would leave it for tonight - he won't respond but will be enjoying the fact that he is provoking a reaction from you - I know - been there, done that. You have done the right thing by getting it on record.

Remember this is a long game and as you say, he may be feeling that he has had a victory tonight but there is a long road ahead and his reaction tonight shows that he is unravelling.

Strong.....apart from the hassle of sorting out a replacement car without any idea of how much to spend, how I'm supposed to finance it etc....I think this could actually be the best thing that has happened to me. Now that he's losing the plot, I will be able to stay calm in my dealings with him. That will piss him off no end. He expects me to get annoyed etc, and then feels justified. Staying calm gives him nowhere to vent. Good.

As for my feelings. What feelings? All gone. The biggest bloody issue in all of this, and it's dealt with now. The rest I can cope with. She says optimistically

I'm not sure when you stop feeling as you do, Strong. HE moved in with her straightaway. In a way it's been easier than wondering and suspecting. You know it's the daily grind at that stage. I suppose it stops when you start to lose your feelings for him. Not sure if that makes sense to you

Exactly.

You know he is a twat and he has shown it tonight. Go girl...

I've got a massive headache. Got that meeting at work this week. I'm definitely going to let them know about this.

He knows that I know he doesn't want to drive the fucking thing himself. He has a twenty mile or so round journey to work. I could walk mine in 30 mins. BUT I have to collect my youngest from work. Utter utter bastard. Am ranting on here to stop me texting him etc.

He is going to regret tonight for a looooooong time.

I'm going to check out The Script again. Going to see what I can do to hasten his impending breakdown. I have a lot of scores to settle with him.

Izzie. Please be careful. Easy come easy go. Before you leap , make sure the outcome is worth it, OK I have a similar situation , I am being so so so careful, I want a roof over my head at the end of this, without a chance of repercussions. Now I can see you are pissed off,, but pissed off means being angry, right you need to see the end result, really you do.

I want us all to come out of this the best we can . I am trying to encourage
us all, I don't want to cock up my settlement / petition , I think you guys aren't stupid, I am trying to seal the package before everyone chips in , if I can get it signed whilst ExW is guilty I will, I love her , I don't love who she is now .

I hope to explain it all one day to all my friends on here what a hoot that would be ! Anway Smooth Radio is now playing Wonderful Life, my fav song ! xxx .

Drifting, thank you. Yes my eldest constantly reminds me "think of the settlement".

Izzie - thats the most important bit now I will tell u more . For now its we are in the same boat . When the s**t ends I can be honest but I am protecting me & my DS so when it ends happy to share then .

Wtg on a takeaway , son doing DryJanuary, gone to pick mates up then we having late feast without that ExW. x.

I understand what you are saying. There comes a point though where it can tip into financial bullying, and you know they are not going to be fair and reasonable in a settlement. When I have FIRM evidence of that, I will have nothing to lose, and I will go for him.

I will attempt to smooth things over tomorrow, purely as it may be, as you say, the smartest thing to do. But none of it will change how I feel. I'm going to get a bloody good settlement out of him, one way or the other. And then, when the finances are settled, it's time to turn the screws.

I will NEVER forgive him for his vile and pathetic behaviour tonight alone.

Drifting, I understand xx

Izzie . When you are sorted financially, get even . Until then be cool. I will be. I cannot wait till I am divorced and its only 8 weeks since she left but I want me & DS to be safe , I want DS to have a start in his life I didnt get , he is wonderful. But I will not jeopardise what I worked for to support ExW new life nope, f**k that .

Catch up on Sunday maybe bestest to you. And us all in the good ship Hobbit.

Will do. Meantime another first for me. Buying a fucking car by myself........

Or does he really think my brother and his wife are his fucking servants. Cos I will have to ask for their help on this. More help yet again. They don't mind, but it's not bloody right. He recently said, well they have more time. I said, no, he works long hours like you. And he said, well they don't have kids [they were unlucky]. And I felt like saying, well neither do you now, in reality. But didn't. Because he already knows he has lost one son. Even HE must suspect that!

He knew damn fucking well this was meant to be a joint thing.

I'm going to swig some ibuprofen and attempt to sleep.

Izzie and Green sorry you've had a difficult evening/are struggling. Will catch up tomorrow. x

No returned car, no contact. No surprises there. I've texted asking how much he wants me to spend and where to get the money from. It's all joint money but he considers himself Master of the Finances, to paraphrase WWK.

Whatever I do, I will be wrong. I'm worried about things escalating.

Even the garages selling the models I want are a fair drive away.

His actions are spiteful, irrational and causing me considerable aggravation, but mostly distress.

I'm now seriously considering putting the whole of this through solicitors. The whole being financial matters, separation agreement.

He is one sick bastard