Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

Hobbit The limbo is really tough, isn't it? It's not just the emotional pain you're contending with, until you know how financially secure (or otherwise) your future is going to be, any decisions to take are risky ones. Dare I suggest you go see a Woomen? .

Izzie I only got a solicitor, as you know, because MrSW tried to petition on the basis of two-years' separation. NOT, that I'm blaming SHL at all, but her introducing herself to MrSW has helped send him orbital. GG awarding SM sent him stratospheric. There is no calming this man down - we are at the end of our tether.

However, I don't regret using SHL for one minute - I simply didn't have the emotional intelligence at the time to deal with him, I was just utterly devastated. I think I could now, especially as my feelings about the man have utterly changed, but alas he's decided to do a vanishing act since the FH...

Iwas, and all the others who actually have OW living nearby, I cannot imagine living like that because as much as I say 'no Internet Stalkery' you've got no bloody option but to notice. Dreadful.

Normal returns after around 18 months, I'm told by the lovely SHL. I do think that the quicker you get your divorce sorted out, the quicker you heal, however trying to make good decisions when you're an emotional wreck is nearly impossible.

and you know this is what frustrates me - emailed DH yesterday lunchtime about next of kin & sorting out the dog - no reply - this is what i think is emotional control - i dont believe its a case of he hasnt seen these but that he has chosen not to reply until he wants to - so making out that I am not significant enough to warrant a reply straight away but actually giving more thought to it than if he had just replied. he wont get this though - too abstract for him!

LOL - my new book has arrived "1001+ little things happy succesful people do differently" - be prepared for lots of quotes!

mmm- may have to send it back - "18 Things My Dad Was Right About!" - doesn't say anything about affairs and how to not emotionally bugger up your kids!
back laterx

Hi all, and thanks. I'm not sure where that all came from, but the point is that I'm not going to make any decisions that affect the rest of my life until I know what I want.

I have pondered allsorts, a move further out but still in the same area of the country, a move to a different house in the same area, staying in the house where I am now, an ultimate move to the other end of the country where my holiday home is. He seems to be of the opinion that my place is with the kids and he can do what he wants with his cut. The point is, I'm not blindly going to stay where I am. I intend to keep all options open to me until I'm ready. He is morally obliged to support his kids, as am I. We are both morally obliged to keep a roof over their heads. I am NOT morally obliged to throw away my choices because he chooses to fuck someone else.

I choose not to press ahead with divorce proceedings because I am in a stronger financial position as his wife. I have no intention of giving that up. The marriage is over. Why do I need a piece of paper to tell me that? One that signs away future rights as a spouse? I will divorce him when it is in my interests to do so, and not before.

WWK, thank you. I will make my decisions AS and WHEN I am ready. They will be the correct LONG TERM decisions, not a short term fix.

I am taking control precisely by refusing to do anything until I have decided what I want.

There is of course the big financial issue to which I've already referred. He is shacked up with, by his admission, a financially independent bitch. In a four bed detached house. But for only just short of three months. Easy for him to argue that this shouldn't be taken into account at this stage. The longer he is there, the bigger the case I have that his needs are minimal and that this is a permanent arrangement. My intention, as always, has been to secure the best financial settlement I can get, so that my kids don't lose out.

He has a roof over his head, I do, the kids do. The bills are being paid. There is no extra pressure on the finances. He still hasn't even looked at any figures yet. I'm well ahead of him on that score.

Green the silence is deafening as they say. One trick to use, if you don't know it already, is not to ask a question but to word things as if they have already been decided and you are merely letting him know. You assume 'yes' is the answer unless they let you know differently and you time-bar it. E.g.

I have put you down as my next of kin for now until the end of the treatment as this is in the best interests of the children. Let me know by Monday if you have any objections.

It's a decree/order approach, which as you know, the Master of the Universe is very good at, but I can testify it certainly works to piss off the other person!

As long as you're confident what you asking for is reasonable and fair, then it's okay. If you start decreeing your 'ex' moves into a caravan, you will most certainly be considered a tad unreasonable...

Izzie you sound like you're a woman with a plan! Sometimes the best thing to do really is nothing, as another MNetter taught me. She was completely right.

Just one word of caution, he can chose to divorce you for UB (judges don't care whether or not the events cited are true!), so it is in your best interests to get the petition in first . Or you'll have to cross petition and that gets very, very expensive, very very quickly.

The Financials are a separate legal action to the divorce, and besides you remain married in law, until the Absolute is given, which as the petitioner you control. Get him to admit adultery, and divorce for that reason if you can (that way you can ask for the court costs...).

So here I am 4.5 hours later and still I have got a reply about the mot. Exactly. Always having to wait.

Well it will be your turn to wait soon, fucker!!

WWK, I have copied and pasted that last post of yours
Thank you!

Meantime I am considering a new plan to get my car back so I can trade it in myself. And he can meet a sticky end in the other one. Now, that WOULD be a plan

Hi all ... just sitting catching up . The comments on here make lots of sense . We are nowhere near the end of our journey(s) . Sometimes I feel great sometimes s**t. But it looks like we all feel the same some days still .

It is a nice day here been out for a long walk in the sun with friends and their dogs , that is friends who are sticking by me & telling me that I am a decent honest reliable and good friend of theirs who they will always support. Unlike the ExW who they are excommunicating now ( not my choice but they will have zero to do with her ) .

We then ate lunch at mine & they insisted on helping wash up and reminding me that soon we'll be back doing what we do , evening walks in the spring, swing by the pub , off on trips, the stuff we used to do last year, this time just with one less, which they consider to be no great loss ! It isn't satisfying to hear exW being slagged off, it is more satisfying they feel they want to be around me , despite me still expressing disbelief that it has come to this ? Divorce & the s**t that goes with it .

In time when it is sorted, I can fill in some blanks , but this is interesting , I am getting bits fed back to me that there are two sides to the story ie it isn't about her f*ing off with someone else, no it seems I am going to be liable for some blame soon . To be honest I am looking forward to seeing what the other side is, because every single person I know and knows the whole fricking story , already knows what has happened . She cheated & left . It doesn't come as two sides . Is this not where they try & justify what they have done ?

Izzie - like your last post , hee hee make him wait - fucker ! Like it !

xx.

Drifting, oh yes, most don't take responsibility. A friend of mine, a man, did, to his credit, hold up his hands and say no excuses, I hurt a lot of people, not proud etc.. Although maybe he found it easier to admit his mistake. After all, if you knowingly marry a lesbian, as he did, what do you expect?

Fourth text about car unanswered. So......I will NOT be arranging removal of the personalised plate on his car that I drive. That takes a few weeks to sort, if I remember correctly, so would want to get that sorted before trading in. And I will conveniently find a car for myself and leave him with no choice but to trade in mine for it. I having already removed the personalised plate on that car two bloody years ago while he ummed and aahed about what to do about the cars. He has quite a long journey to work each day. He advised me not to do any long journeys in that car.

I've suggested that I will contact garage to ask for a copy of the mot stuff. He won't like that. Doesn't like anyone to THINK he is being uncooperative. And knowing that I will make damn sure they know he IS. Fucking twat!

There's nothing like a bit of procrastination to stop me feeling upset

Hi Izzie, that sounds like the Rottweiler we all know and love! Go sic him girl!
As usual WWK does speak the truth, get your petition in first, if not for adultery then unreasonable behaviour, ( adultery is a little tricky to prove, you have to have times and dates and all that malarkey) I wanted to petition on adultery, but wasn't actually present when coitus, (hate that word!) was occurring, so couldn't.
I wanted the bitch to be a co-respondent, and have to sign a court paper saying she had committed adultery with my husband, not such a goody two shoes then is she?

But hey ho, you don't get everything you want in this world, but then you have all the time in the world to apply for your decree absolute.
Do you think your husband will go on as you are indefinitely ?
In my case , I know he won't keep the financial status quo up for ever, he is champing at the bit to get rid of us, and 'move on'.
Not move on out of the village obviously , he couldn't do that, and give me some peace of mind, move on with his relationship with her.
Sweep everything under the carpet, to just be forgotten about, and everyone be friends again.
I will NEVER be his friend, or even look at her without the utmost contempt ever again. The man is a fool to even consider the possibility of an amicable divorce......

Hi Hobbsy

I will look at the petition thing, see where that gets me. Not really looked I to all that.

Oh I would never name his mentally unstable shag in a petition, wouldn't give her the satisfaction.....unlike him ho no. Yes, your H likes a bike, mine is obviously into mountain climbing these days. I may buy him a white coat too, as I think he may have a touch of the Jimmy Savill in him ie shagging mental patients!

I think he will go on until he decides what to do about getting his name on some deeds. He expressed concern that if he was taken off ours, he would have no property to his name. He's not seemed keen on going on hers because he wants to protect the slaggy daughters inheritance. Unlike our sons, which he will piss away no doubt! So unless and until he decides to do something with her, there appears to be no rush. All he mentioned recently was that neither of us had much financial independence. Well, I could have told him he will have far less finance once he's settled with me.

Yes how bloody charming that your twat couldn't do the decent thing and move out of the village. Mine would in those circumstances, because his REPUTATION is soooooo important to him, so nobody would be any the wiser about the past. He may be an adulterer, but he doesn't want to be PERCEIVED as one. Perceived is his second favourite word after ENTITLED. My favourite word will be SHIRTLESS with a bit of luck

Hee Hee, you've got some fire in your belly now girl!
I pity the fool, ( as BA from the A team would say), actually I don't pity the sad fuck at all, he deserves all he gets.
You know the best way forward for you, and I know you will get the better of him. Xx

I'm off now to consume my entire body weight, ( 9st 9lbs and dropping), in posh crisps and Prosecco, anyone wanna join me? Catch you later, xx
Ps. I wish we all lived close to each other , wouldn't that be fab?

izzie you sound like you have it under control

just on that adultery - if they agree to it then you dont need times etc and yes agree to what WWK said about getting in first that way its in your time scale rather than theirs. dont forget if you have been living apart for two years either of you can apply for divorce.

im not sure if im right on this but i think you have 1 year from the day the nisi is issued before you need to apply for the absolute otherwise you have to resubmit again - WWK may know on this

wwk good advice thanks will adopt this for future communication.

Haha, yes I must suppress that nice side of me that says oh that's not really a very nice thing to do is it? That's my bloody catholic upbringing. [ resisting urge to mention unmarried mothers and altar boys]

Thanks Green.

And yes, I too wish we all lived close together. Although that would also mean there would be a high density of twats too!

Yes, time for a long distance piss up. Cheers!!

Hi WWK, could you possibly pm me the details of the woomen?
Have used voodoo to no avail , the fucker's still around!
Much love, xx in anticipation, hobbit

Just got a copy of mot, with text saying is there a problem. Mot says car IS dangerous to drive, not POTENTIALLY dangerous to drive.

Is he having a fucking laugh or what??

drifting I agree with you: there isn't two sides to the story - I find that phrase abominable.

There's your life and your perception of events, your feelings, that's it. That's your story. It may well be that you were a complete and utter mismatch, and you may in time see it that way, but why she did what she did is her responsibility, no one else's. It was a deception plain and simple. You didn't get to choose that, she can't tell you you did. End of.

Green, I don't think you only have one year to apply from Nisi to Absolute, but if there's a considerable gap, a judge may ask what caused the delay. If you can safely say "dealing with fuckwittery" then it can still proceed to Absolute. May be wrong though. We are all advised not to get Absolute until the financials are resolved so I'd be amazed if that many divorces are done within a year.

Izzie can I ask a question? What's stopping you just trading in the car? Personally, I'd get on and do it if you can afford it. He still owns 'half the asset' anyway, it's just unfortunate he can't use it and merely has to put its estimated value on Form E (so do you!). You do need to be very careful of disposing of assets (including cars) during divorce as it can be perceived as dodgy (don't I know it!) but if it's reasonable for you to do it, you can. The key question to ask yourself is: Am I doing this to piss off the other side/to cynically deprive them of something they are entitled to? If the answer is 'no', then it's okay. My SHL always tells me to proceed with caution because of how volatile MrSW is, but routine expenditure is absolutely fine, especially if your car is on its last legs.

Hobbit sorry love, not tonight. I'm off to a paaaaaaaaaarty!!!! Staying at a friend's house, so I shall be drunken lunatic WWK tonight.

Normal night for me then!

WWK the car is in his name. But in light of my most recent post, I will either be telling him to sort as priority or to give me my car back

Get your car back if you can - definitely. Dodgy cars are dangerous things. Mine passed its MOT no problem at all back in the summer so I'm the authority on dodgy cars as well as divorces now!

Have a great night WWK, don't do anything I wouldn't do, which leaves you plenty of scope for all kinds of debauchery! Xx