Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

Iwas, it's good to have a laugh.

As for him, well it seems to me you are doing just fine. You are playing things your way, doing what you have to do for YOU. It seems to me that you didn't take that long to work out where you stood and why you didn't want him back. A lot of women are still wobbling at that stage. As long as you have your head screwed on financially and don't trust him there, you will be fine. I think you are strong enough to cope with any emotional stuff. I think also, a lot of posters are very find of you and protective of you, hence some of the advice, which is very strongly put. They care.

Don't forget that a lot of the posters will be talking from their own experiences, in hindsight. And also, it's easier to look inside from outside than the other way round.

I swing between contact and NC myself. It's a process I have to go through. Contact can sometimes tug at the heart strings, but at other times it just reinforces any views that I am well out of my marriage. Non contact also can have both effects.

Iwas, maybe I'm just not getting it re your stuff. I just think that you will work out where you stand comfortably in all of it.

I think I'm beyond analysing things anymore. I need a period of stability now. It's not about him, it's about me. I'm not sure how I see my future beyond survival at this stage. I'm aware that I'm in that other stage of the process. The only major decision I intend making is about what car to get. I've done that. I have no idea what his latest views are about a financial separation, as in whether to try to negotiate one, or whether to leave things as they are. It makes no odds to me. I'm curious to see what suggestions he makes. But I have no intention whatsoever of doing anything about it, nor giving any response. I will do things when I decide to do things. And I will do things at my own pace. Karma

Hope everyone got a good night's sleep! This thread gave me the giggles when I caught up with it this morning. Hobbit if you don't come back with some Turkish Mr Muscles, I will be most upset with you! Can you pick me up some gin at the duty free?

Iwas it's your divorce, and you will have to live with the consequences of being married to him for the rest of your life, so make the right decisions for you, because it's you that has to live with them. Personally, I think it's good that you're recording your thoughts, and getting input that's making you stop and think, but remember to make the decisions you need to for you, and that fit with your values. I'm of the mind that if he can cheat on you with 'er down the road, then it tells you all you need to know about his trustworthiness in all matters.

Sometimes it's better to accept less and move on, sometimes it's best to fight tooth and nail for justice and fairness. If I had any control over my divorce, I would have negotiated, but as it is I feel now I have zero control. It is truly horrifying what he's done (and continues to do). We are in the "system" now, and may well be back and forth to court for years to come, because of his actions, and it never ceases to amaze me just how serious this really is, and aside from giving up and walking away (which I can't afford to do) there is no other choice. The thing I find so upsetting is that whatever I have done in the last 8.5 months there are six people analysing my actions legitimately making judgment calls about it. Every time I go to Tesco's, I have to ask myself AIBU buying this? It's nuts. I'm a grown-up!

Izzie, can I ask where you are in the divorce process? Have you applied for you decree nisi? Or are you just separating for now and keeping the status quo re financial matters?
Hope you are ok today, love x

WWK, that must be very difficult to have the minutiae of your life scrutinised,
Like someone looking over your shoulder all the time, questioning your need for buying something you want/need, it would piss me off for sure!
Lots of love, it was so nice to meet you, you are just as funny and kind as I knew you would be, Well who knew? I DID, xx

WWK caught up with your thread finally. Glad you're ok after the brakes! Well if I disappear from the thread it's because I've finally met my end in the potentially dangerous car I'm driving.....have just texted asking for a copy of the advisory notice as a matter of priority. Might shift the bastard into doing something. As per bloody usual, I don't have the info I should.

Hobbit, I'll have some fags from duty free please. Preferably the sort you set light to.....

Divorce, no application. Had agreed to leave finances as before and take slowly. Then I asked for financial agreement ASAP end of year. He said he would start to look at it and get back sometime this month. Now I've said just leave things as they are, but I'm not sure what is in his mind. He's too busy to deal with any of it in reality. As I said last night, he can go fuck himself because I'm not negotiating at all now. Far too many complications to consider my future. It's alright for them, isn't it, they don't have to consider their future with the kids. Don't get me wrong, I love living with mine. But it restricts my ability to plan for my future knowing that I can't do anything until they move out. Which of course incurs costs. And I can't just go and live where I want, in a house I would like for myself, because I have to consider location and size for three adults. The longer I think about things, though, the more I'm digging my heels in about what I would accept in the way of a split. I'm definitely coming round to WWKs thoughts about paying for an ace specialist solicitor to guide me through to getting as much as I can. I was going to keep out of the equation the fact that he is shacked up with a self supporting bitch. Not now! So I predict that this will eventually go through solicitors, because he won't go for that willingly. Im fucking annoyed that it looks like I could well be spending my days in an area like my house, pleasant enough but not exactly what I had in mind for my old age. Settling financially now could well seal that. That's why I refuse to do anything until I've though things through very very carefully.

Yes I'm ok, just angry. Got that meeting on Weds. Mindful that every bloody day off is because of HIM!

WWK yes, bloody insulting having to justify your spending, or anything else, bearing in mind what SW's actions

Superfluous what in that last post

I want to hate him for the rest of my life, I can't cope with it any other way

I'm devastated, how long will this last? I can't cope at the moment.

Fuck me, I'm hating this phase. I'm usually the sort who believes that there are a certain number of tears to be shed before healing. But I'm doubting it this time. This is such a complicated mindfuck of emotions at a time when your whole life has been thrown up in the air. Fucking hell, we all need a bloody box full of medals for going through this

What's wrong today sweetheart? What's made you so upset? Just having a bad day, or coming to terms with his betrayal,? that gets me every time STILL, how he could see me spiralling further and further down, and still lying and pursuing her, that's whats really fucked my head up:( xx

I'm trying to stay angry as well, it works like a defence mechanism for me, as well as humour, because if you don't keep that sense of humour I think I would go mad. Xx

Throughthestorm, are you ok?
Are you still with us?

Izzie, I think you need to be a bit more proactive, take some control, set the agenda, start proceedings off on your terms, have you even filed your petition? Show him that you are going to stand up for yourself - and your boys of course, at least get the ball rolling, re legal advice on your options.

You are a strong, intelligent woman, get your superhero cape out of mothballs, and fly!xx

hi all
im struggling again - my emotions are going from one extreme to the other - im laughing one minute & blubbing the next - i guess this is the impending BC op - i have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that was there right at the start as soon as my brain is not occupied. My DD has gone out to meet some friends today and I am so pleased for her - this is what she needs - to be getting on with her life - but at the same time im thinking this is when I thought DH & I would be reconnecting- starting to spend more time together - doing some of the things we did pre kids - this is what i thought we were doing - waiting & knowing that this time would come - except he couldnt wait.
izzie - i have gone through that mindset with the financials - thinking I can just do nothing and things can stay as they are - no upheaveal for me or the kids - but i think this was really about me not actually wanting to deal with things as know it is going to be a battle - i am like this for a day or so & then think - no i have to keep going with this - by doing nothing I am just deferring the battle because its in DH's interest for me to do nothing - he is not going to instigate anything although he gives the impression he wants this all sorted as soon as possible. Yes he wants the emotional detachment but doesnt want the financial responsibility- sorry you cant have one without the other!

WWK - i need to catch up with your postings but I am also going to pm you

somehow getting this stuff out my head helps & i know you all understand xx

Hope you're okay Izzie. Hobbit gives good advice there x

just been reading - izzie r u ok?

Hey Izzie we're all with you - get as angry and as pathetic as you need to be, not one of us is here to give you a hard time. It's not all 'shits and giggles' this divorcing malarky, it is sometimes utterly and totally horrific. You've got humour, and that can't be taken away from you, even though some days it takes itself off to bed and refuses to come out.

The future is a very frightening place, when I think too hard about it, I get the shakes. I am forever doubting myself - what if I'm wrong about this? What about that? I know just two things: I've made my decisions and they were the best I could make in the circumstances I was in. It's easy for others to make decisions over your life because they don't suffer the consequences - so make your decisions AS AND WHEN you feel able to, not before.

But, I'll give you another WWK cliche: you know when you hit the bottom, the only way is up. Each day as it comes.

and meant to add for my own state of mind i think I need the full closure on this - not some part dragging on indefinitely - for me it just fuels the uncertainty - I need to know where Im at - and whatever that is I will find a way to deal with it -I can then put my life into some sort of order and have a bit of an idea in my future. This is probably what you need too Izzie - we fear decision making & change but this what we really need to do to move on to the next stage.

Totally agree with that last post Green, we are in a kind of limbo, not knowing is part of the uncertainty of our future and that makes us anxious and upset. If we could just press a button and would instantly know what settlement was in the pipeline, half the stress and torture would be eradicated immediately.

Hello Green. Sorry you are struggling, yes it's not good when the brain is not occupied. Pleased to hear your DD is meeting friends and getting away from it all for a bit. They need normality where possible. I can very much empathise with the not wanting to deal with things mindset. I didn't even want to face up to my husband having an affair for ages let alone all the life changing stuff that comes with it.

We do all understand, will PM you this afternoon. x

I find I have to work at being okay. It doesn't just happen. Default mode is still sadness, the mind still very much thinks about how things were, how everything has changed, all the hurt and unhappiness. All the pain he has caused and is still causing. You have to work to not think about that all the time otherwise it is all consuming. Focusing on positives and looking forward involves effort. I don't want to make an effort to just feel okay. I want to go back to normal again, but normal feels a long way off.

Certain my husband stayed at OWs last night. Picked my daughter up and his car and her car were both parked in their normal places but his lights were off and hers were on so not difficult to work out where he was. My daughter picked up on it too "dad's not at his then". I can block out the bloody window but I still can't avoid what he's doing. I think I might get him to pick our daughter up next time, it might be easier for me.

I'm okay this morning, my son came back early this morning for the weekend so that's helped. It's lovely here today so went out with the children this morning for a walk and a bacon roll after. My son's got his mate round now and daughter's gone out with my husband and the dog (the four legged one not her!!).

thanks iwas - i think that is probably it - i dont want to have to work at being ok- just want to be normal too - it is exhausting whichever way you try & approach it - you can do it for a while when you have too but as soon as that passes that underlying feeling is still there - i guess when you are angry its hidden by that too so you think its gone but when the anger fades you realise it is still there - that probably explains why I am so tired all the time.

funnily enough I had to go past DH place this morning - not sure if hes there or at hers - for a minute i forgot where i was then had to consciously get myself to look in the opposite direction - and then I started noticing all the couples out walking dogs - downhill from this point onwards!

but iwas your add on made me laugh! so not all bad

im going for a snooze - normally perks me up ready for the drink fuelled chat later!

KOKO everyone