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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

999 replies

Hobbitwife001 · 11/12/2014 23:34

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 23/01/2015 17:37

Hi Green, honey you do know that if you need to pm any of us to talk, rant or weep and wail, that is totally fine and dandy, it must have been difficult sending that message to OH, I know I wouldn't want to do that if I had to give next of kin, actually I do need to change that in various places, including my passport.
I do feel ok at the moment, but have got to sort out the financial stuff soon and I know that will ramp up my anxiety:( , but a friend And I have been talking about going to Turkey in the summer, so I have something to look forward to. Lots of love to you and yours, xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 23/01/2015 17:39

Izzie, housework schmousework! Sit down and have a gin woman!

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Izzie595 · 23/01/2015 17:50

Hobbit, you're just jealous that my house will be sparkling while yours is just full of shit!

I may open a wine a bit later though, because, I now only have one vice, smoking, so need to resurrect the booze.

I thought there was a national shortage of gin, except in Wales!

Actually thinking that I may have to cook, urgh!

Turkey eh! You're not going to do a Shirley Valentine, are you??

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 23/01/2015 18:22

Dear Izzie, house not full of shit, immaculate, as living in bed at the moment on iPad , so nowhere gets messy!

Don't smoke! Therefore drink is the only vice left open to me as no sex available obviously!

Plenty of gin in this house!

No cooking needed, stocked up on ready meals, re previous post!

I fucking hope so! I need something to put a smile on my face, actually Shirley Valentine was Greece dahling !

Lots of love , hobbit, put the Mr Muscle down, unless he is a Mr with actual muscles obviously, :) xx

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WellWhoKnew · 23/01/2015 18:30

Someone say gin? Right, on my way over...

Housework, Smousework mentality here too. I tend to have fits of manic cleaning when things are really bothering me to sort of burn myself out. As long as the kitchen and bathroom are clean, I consider my house 'immaculate'.

Hobbit, I'd love it if you came back with a 'souvenir' from Turkey. That'll rattle the village a bit....

greenberet · 23/01/2015 19:20

you lot are you on the booze already!Grin

hobbit thank you - i like the sound of living in bed on ipad - may adopt that for next couple of weeks as DH going to have to play chauffeur to his kids for a bit - he has had it so easy! one day a week parent!
holiday great idea - "souvenir" even better!
& wwk i can do no more internet stalkery as now confirmed followers only - makes the previous goings on look even more deliberate now to wind me up ready for harrassment claim - oh & of course not on DH name so he can plead ignorant to the whole goings on
Housework? - whats that -suddenly don't feel the pressure to be constantly living in a show home - atmosphere completely different - don't have to be getting the kids to behave incase DH had a bad day & "stressy" - no more arguments over getting him to do his bit & kids seem more willing to help out now that they are not being constantly criticized.
and no more shirts to iron to perfection!
looks like bonus all round really - think ill join you in a drink!

WellWhoKnew · 23/01/2015 19:51

Green - what a lovely post to read (only had one glass so not yet all gushy!). I know the pain is going to linger, and so be it, you'll heal in time, but it's great to read that you're starting to find 'reasons to be cheerful about his absence'. It means you're already moving towards some kind of equilibrium about getting divorced. It's a real stride in actual fact.

For me it was realising, aside from a couple of demanding cats, NO ONE was ever going to shout at me in my own home ever again. And once I'd figured that out (a bit slow on the uptake at times me!) I rang Women's Aid - because that was the first time, I realised actually, there was something fundamentally flawed in my marriage: him. I was seemingly, on the surface, coping, knowing full well I was not coping. Have a think about it. It really isn't just women who've been battered - clearly we are all glad it's there for them, but it's there for us too. Contacting them, actually, really did ensure the new few steps were more strides than baby steps for me personally. Think about it. XX

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 23/01/2015 20:04

Cheers, everyone! It's that Friday night feeling, feeling like a glass or three.....
Re 'souvenir' do you mean a key ring? ,
With you on the ironing front Green, just do it on a needs /must basis, ironing basket getting taller by the day...
Luckily my youngest son shows a remarkable propensity for hoovering, that was a major error on his part!
Yes, household is a lot more relaxed, no standards to keep up , don't get me wrong , I love a tidy house, but as long as it's not a health hazard, I'm not going to stress out over it, very well done on the stopping of internet gubbins Green, honey, love and hics...... Hobbit x

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greenberet · 23/01/2015 20:44

hobbit - you know we're not talking about keyrings - my kids bring keyrings back from holidays!

wwk - i very nearly contacted them - i had several episodes where i was thinking am i going mad but luckily my GP knows my situation well and has told me on more than one occassion that there is nothing wrong with my behaviour or my perception of things and i have persisted with an extremely difficult situation far beyond most people's capability. I know I have done the best I could for my kids - i gave it every chance - it just wasnt to be - i have just read Camilla Dallerups? article about her split from Brendan Cole & it said it took her 3 years to get over what was like a mini death but she found herself and a new man at the end of it! hopefully it wont take this long but I am definitly finding myself again and I wouldnt say no to a keyring! Grin

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 23/01/2015 20:53

Hee Hee, think we have found a new code word for a new fella, a brand new bright shiny key ring! It would have to be a humdinger though....

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Izzie595 · 23/01/2015 21:12

You lot are ganging up on me!

Hobbit, you're fully stocked up on ready meals....no luck then?

I've cooked and also had my first drink Grin

Thinking that a new keyring would be rather super when I'm driving to Waitrose. You can keep the waiter for yourselfGrin

Izzie595 · 23/01/2015 21:14

Cross posted. In that case I would prefer a straw donkey please

WellWhoKnew · 23/01/2015 21:36

Green I'm pleased to read that you very nearly contacted them...so if/when you do contact them, it'll be your choice to do so.

It is not my place to tell you what to do - but I would very politely ask you to call them just for a chat.

You're starting to make bigger steps. WA helped me turn steps into strides.

I have never been anyone's "shrinking violet" so just give it a go. If it doesn't work for you, you've neither gained nor lost. But I'll applaud you for giving it a go.

KOKO.

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 23/01/2015 21:43

I did see a very tasty looking sausage and mash that wasn't too past it's sell by date! Ha ha Izzie, straw donkey! I like that ....

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Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 23/01/2015 21:43

Especially the donkey part!

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Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 23/01/2015 21:45

Maybe a donkey shaped key ring? I think I need to put the gin bottle back now....

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Izzie595 · 23/01/2015 21:54

Sausage and mash......no meat and two veg?

Izzie595 · 23/01/2015 21:58

I love the way Green and WWK are having a sensible convo and we are just lowering the toneGrin

Izzie595 · 23/01/2015 22:00

So we can judge men by what ready meal they would be. Iwas H being toad in the hole, obviously Grin

iwashappy · 23/01/2015 22:11

Please to see everyone is in reasonable spirits.

I don't have a sparkling house, I can't join you for a drink tonight as have to pick DD up later and as I haven't had to cook for her tonight I've had an Easter Egg for tea!!

I need a vice by the sounds of it, no alcohol tonight, I don't smoke, no chance of sex and I don't think chocolate counts!

Izzie595 · 23/01/2015 22:15

Ah iwas! Was hoping you would come over here, it's getting a bit serious on your thread tonight!

Chocolate will be fine Grin

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 23/01/2015 22:19

Izzie, lowering the tone is my speciality! Nighty night, x

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 23/01/2015 22:24

I'd forgotten how a touch of alcohol chills one out. I used to have a drink most nights, and it signalled time to relax.

I'm starting to slow down with the jobs at home now. Plenty of decorating to do, but now I have a kitchen with most doors and drawers back on. That was another of my good ideas, painting the kitchen units. They look good. Next time I have a bright I deal I won't have to spend ages trying to persuade someone it's a good idea.

If it wasn't for the kitchen I wouldn't have come across MN. Farrow and Ball Wimborne White Dahling!

Izzie595 · 23/01/2015 22:25

Night night Hob, xx

iwashappy · 23/01/2015 22:29

Izzie my husband toad in the hole!! You have no idea how apt that is, made me laugh actually, thanks.

Yes it is a bit serious tonight. Font really moved me with her long post. I feel so naïve sometimes, everyone other than me seems to realise how manipulative my husband is.

Chocolate is most definitely fine!

Night Hobbit sleep well x