Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

Same here Izzie, I am sure the chores will still be there tomorrow! Sleep well x

Green I am so pleased that you feel a bit better today. Will catch up with thread and PMs tomorrow.

Take care everyone x

Green. Big hugs xxx

Hey may I join pls ?
DH and I separated in April after I found out he had been lying about something for many years and completely broken my trust.
We have been together since I was 18 . 26 years altogether - married 23 of them with 4 dc.
He was the the most amazing daddy and still is when he is with them.
He begged me from April until July to talk/ make amends.
I was too upset hurt and angry and very very busy working running our home and ferrying back and forth 4 dc to various parts of the county-just driving took me 2 hours a day.
I have no family to help in any way so was pretty tired-going to bed at 1-2 am and up at 5.30 for the entire summer.
For quite a while he never saw the dc but that has improved.
While I was busy proving I could do it all it turns out he met someone in Sept.
On Christmas day he left the table to go to her which is when I realised he had changed and had another woman in his life .
Boxing day he told my dd he was in love with this person whom he had known since sept and seen 3 times.
Im fairly sure that is now over but on Boxing day he was all for telling all the dc.
He knew then I was considering saving our marriage. Id had to stay in bed for a couple of days with flu and it was like as soon as I stopped I started to think .
Anyway I asked him if he would just not see her for a while while we talked -if she was the one then she would still be there if we weren't going to work it out.
He said no that even if it didn't work out he didn't love me anymore and would never ever try again.
Its like since hes had sex with this person ( whom Im 99 % sure he is no longer seeing ) and its changed him completely. He wont discuss counselling,, answer any communication ect unless to do with dc. I am totally devasted because I just cannot describe how hurt and scared I am .I really cannot imagine a future without him. I never realised what I had until I lost it and wish I hadn't been so busy being pissed off with him and working all summer to realise I had pushed him away too far. We are both approaching 50 and had a dc late in life . Its like we have waited 25 years for this very time-our time when all dc are at school and we have a bit of spare money . I don't sleep, eat or go 5 minutes without thinking about him. I worry about him ( he gets stressed ) and I imagine him with another woman and it literally tears me apart . I would do anything to have him back but Im beginning to realise I have to face a future without him. Ive finally been to see my GP and stated Ads Monday because I haven't been to work since Decemeber ( not someone who takes time off at all usually), and I feel I need something to help me for sake of younger dc who don't deserve to see me bawling all evening .
I just hurt so incredibly much and cannot imagine ever being happy again.
I must admit I tuck my dc into bed at night and think well he cant take that away from me - they keep me going.
26 years.
I hope to God I don't feel like this for too long.
Any tips on facing the future and not just wishing he will change his mind which is unrealistic ? Ive bought a book which is on its way and listening to a hypnosis download last two nights but its pretty naff !
I never knew I could hurt this much .

Oh my love, throughthestorm, I am so sorry this has happened to you, you are most welcome here, although it's not exactly a merry band to belong to is it? We are all in the same situation as you more or less, some of us are further along in the divorce process, but all of us are still dealing with the aftermath of an unfaithful, lying, manipulative husband leaving the family.
You are left feeling bereft, rejected, and worried about the future for you and your children.
Don't worry about crying in front of your youngest , I know you want to protect them from any upset, but it is a natural reaction, your life has changed irrevocably, and your mind is in turmoil, who wouldn't feel like bawling their head off?
It will get better, the pain will ease, and you will be happy again, of course you will, just not yet. I was married for 27 years, so I know exactly how you feel, over half my life was spent with one man, and this man deceived and lied and cheated with someone I thought was a friend, he has treated me as if I don't matter, my feelings, hopes and dreams for the future totally disregarded for someone he has known for a few months.
But, I am coming through the storm now, (see what I did there:) ) and feel a lot calmer and more able to cope with the shit that is going to come my way, ( and I know it will come soon enough), but I will decide when I am ready to deal with it, he decided when to leave, now I will decide the timetable of the next stage.
Your children will be your rock, gather your friends and family around you, get all the allies you can to support you, we can offer you advice and support from our own experience, someone will always come along who has already been through what you are dealing with, and can help you get through it.
Sending you lots of love and strength, hobbit, xx

he decided when to leave, now I will decide the timetable of the next stage.

Absolutely. There are a number of decisions to be made. We are having these decisions forced on us and should not have to deal with them in the middle of all the emotional turmoil as well

Hey Storm, welcome to our not-so-merry band. I can promise you that how you feel now, is now how you are going to feel for the rest of your life. That said, you have to have a real hurting process, it's unavoidable - not least because it shows you that you are a genuine person, with genuine normal feelings. So for starters, do NOT feel bad about feeling bad. Fight that depression anyway you can - finding things you like doing, finding things that you like about yourself (start being nice to yourself!), getting out if/when you can. Also, take it one day at a time, try for now (hard as that is) to not get preoccupied by concerns over the future. It sounds trite but: Take it one day at a time, the future will come to you that way.

For me, as I've said earlier it was getting "permission" from my counsellor that if all I achieved on one day was the washing up, then I could reward myself by saying 'and that's just fine'. When you come out the other side (getting there myself) you'll be proud of yourself for surviving.

So far today, I have failed to do the washing up, failed to study for my test next week and failed to keep 'fuckwit' out of my mind. On the plus, I have got my lovely neighbour to sort out my car, hired a car, and put the 'outrageous' television on to watch some Tennis - his barrister was utterly "discusted" by my having Satellite TV - something I have had all the time I have been married! So all in all, not a bad day so far.

The son who is not really reconciled to him may be softening a bit towards him. He needs to get a new phone contract. Having been declined a credit card on my own salary because quite clearly I can't service the JOINT mortgage all by myself, I'm reluctant to do the ohine contract, so will have to ask the ex to do it. It bloody well pisses me off that he gets to be the bloody hero, oh yes I saw him, got his new phone sorted blah blah blah. Meanwhile me, fucking muggings has been working flat out to do all the shit decorating he left me with when he sodded off, looked after his kids, kept house, and basically had my life turned upside down for fuck all, as far as I can see!

And I know in my heart that I don't want my son to not be reconciled with his dad......but it bloody well annoys me that HE may be reconciled with his son.

He's also talked about contacting my hairdresser, presumably after his last shit haircuts in the downmarket shithole. The hairdresser I introduced him to! Who is firmly on my side, but who has never uttered a word to him about previous past events.

I just feel like he's snatching MY LIFE. As far as I'm concerned, whatever I introduced him to, whatever he got as a result of MY contacts, MY efforts, should be mine alone.

He chose to leave, and as far as I'm concerned, he can take what he owns, BUT he is NOT to benefit from anything from our marriage bar the money.

I know events at his end will unravel eventually. They better had! But right now I feel he is getting away with it.

Bastard!

I'm with you Izzie - it feels like they get to take everything.

They appear to have all the rights and we get the crap part.
My stbxh is driving around in a bloody Audi sports car while I'm getting taxis to get the children to school (the little car a relative lent me broke down after a few days and need a new gear box - how that for bloody luck!)
So I have to stand outside the school gates in the cold and then get a train back home. What a great, caring father he is turning out to be.

I was also told yesterday that despite my concerns (with written evidence) that until he actually does something to one of the children I cannot do anything!

Oh God, Why, you must be totally bloody fuming! For what you STBX put you through, he should be strung up!

The last paragraph of yours, absolutely appalling! They take anonymous allegations seriously enough, so why the hell are they not taking a genuine concern seriously? Is this social services? Have you definitely checked that out?

Their time will come. It just feels it should be a damn sight quicker.

If it is SS, check out online hmgov working together to safeguard children doc. Do as a google search. They aren't meant to wait till something happens, they are supposed to step in first. PM me if you need a link

my DH has put pics of his new car on twitter, still buying furniture for house £70 on a beanbag!! -but there is no money! not for me anyway - oh & he has said to DD that he can come & stay at the house after my op - im not really sure what I feel about this and whether this is for me or to try & gain points from DD. I dont know whats happened to me today but I actually cant be bothered with it all - after my pre op assessment I have spent the day with my bro & SIL who are having a difficult time for other reasons and for the first time in ages I was actually completely absorbed by something other than my own drama - they have been trying to "keep up appearances" and because I caught them unawares there was no hiding - I went there looking for support and ended up helping them because they are in a far worse place than I am and you know what it didn't matter one bit -there was lots of tears and hugs all round but something felt really good about the complete honesty - I hate all the deception that is going on with DH, the lies, the lack of respect, the hurt, the pain, the double standards - all so pointless and unnecessary and just doing endless damage - i guess im questioning what is it that really matters?

it may have something to do with reading this the other day when i was googling "how to let go"

www.marcandangel.com/2015/01/14/12-ways-to-turn-your-wounds-into-wisdom-and-strength/#comment-11178981

Hi Green, yes I know what you mean by questioning what it is that really matters. I felt like that when I spent time with my family, my brothers etc. one of my sisters in law often uses the phrase "the [my maiden name]". And for the first time in years, I thought, yeah! I'm more a [maiden name] than I am [married name], and always will be.

If we can reach the stage where the only emotion the ex can summons in us is boredom, then we are finally free!

Difficult decision possibly about him staying at yours. Good for DD in the sense that she will be with you and in her own home whilst you are out of action. Bad for her if there are constant tensions. Mainly, though, you do whatever feels right for you alone.

Honesty, that word encompasses so many meanings really. That's an essay for you when you get bored of the TV!

Good to hear from you xx

Just read that article. Kept the link. Yes.

HI Izzie - im not sure what my head is doing right now - here's another quote that seems to have struck home - maybe some of you ladies and man will benefit from this too - basically its what we have all been saying - its not about us but them -maybe its time to start saying - its ALL about us not them!

People will love you, and people will dislike you. And most of the time, it will have nothing to do with you. How others treat you is their karma, how you respond is yours. Love them anyway. Be kind because it’s who you are, not because they have to earn it. The hardest people to love are often the ones who need it the most anyway. (Read How to Win Friends and Influence People.)

Evening all .
Green - I think you called me out then as the only man - thanks !
Hey it is all about us now - I don't really care about ExW ( except that she encounters misery in everything she does daily ) & very soon my petition ( I believe it is called ) will be landing on her doormat - hee hee, things are moving v v fast for me because I want shot of this person who I don't know from the wife I took my vows with .

So I look forward to just dropping by & letting you know what is happening .
Is everyone seeing those brighter afternoons leading to 5pm ?
I can run after work in the light again , Spring is around the corner, soon we will see daffodils and we'll feel better ( a bit, but better for sure, I am sure )

Please look after yourselves, I am cooking tea tomorrow evening for the first Friday in weeks, son back from working away. See its getting better.
xxx.

WWK I do like your one chore a day suggestion! I have a clean house, but it certainly isn't a tidy one these days. Still one step at a time.

I totally get what you mean by something minor sending you into meltdown. I've burst into tears when a tractor pulled in front of me when I was pushed for time. Totally irrelevant to the tractor, just the feeling that everything is going wrong all the time and sometimes it just gets too much.

Just catching up with replying to posts over the last few days how strange that you were talking about conquering your fear of driving less than a week ago with what's happened. At least you are okay and now have a hire car.

Sounds like the job interview was promising, good luck.

You give a lot of good advice on here, thank you.

Green pleased you enjoyed your walk the other day, I find it really does help to get out into the fresh air, take in the scenery and clear your head.

At least you are feeling a bit better than you have been. It probably doesn't feel like it but you are coping so well with everything that you have to deal with at the moment. Everything seems a lot harder when you are tired too.

Sounds like you had a good talk with your counsellor which has helped.

As Izzie says quite a difficult decision for you as to whether your ex stays at yours after your op. I hope that he is offering for the right reasons and will be totally supportive should you decide to let him stay. I know what you mean about it feeling good to have honesty in the company of your brother and SIL. After being lied to and deceived you are still not sure if you should take everything your husband says at face value, if he's being honest or not and it's good to just have a genuine conversation and be able to trust in everything that is said.

I like your quote, thank you. Take care and thinking of you x

Welcome Throughthestorm lots of good advice and support on here.

Sorry, but my bed is calling, at some point I might get on earlier enough to reply properly but Izzie, Hobbit, Strong, Drifting, Why, Through thinking of you all and hopefully catch up tomorrow. x

sometimes it just gets too much - I think in the early part of separation/divorce, everything is too much. That's why I will bang on and on and on about asking for help, not feeling 'silly' because anything and everything gets to you, because you're being utterly and totally dismantled - your hopes, dreams, ambitions, plans etc are being obliterated. It is truly horrendous as you go down and down and down.

But, as you point out, when you start getting towards the other side of it, something utterly horrendous can happen and you just go 'Meh' - because you're so used to running on adrenaline all the time, so used to being stressed, exhausted, sleep-deprived and battered, that you just don't feel things like normal people do. On the plus: it also starts you thinking you're invincible, capable, autonomous, independent and those feelings are much nicer than the self-loathing ones!

Green glad to see you've posted...am a bit 'hmmm' about your Internet Stalking, y'know! But good to see you're getting support - and giving it. You and your family are the ONLY thing important right now. KOKO.

WWK, totally agree with everything you have said, you give such good advice, but in a really caring and non judgemental way, some people can come across as aggressive when trying to give their opinion, but you are so understanding of how utterly devastating it is when the person you trusted most in the world betrays you, probably because you have been there and got the t-shirt , and it shows you are a lovely person because it hasn't made you bitter at all, you just want to 'pay it forward' and try to prevent other women and men, from losing their minds to despair. Love and hugs to you and everyone dealing with difficult times at the moment, xx hobbit.

I just want to clear up a misunderstanding that I may have given the impression that I have very little RL support. I have a friend who has been supporting me day in day out morning noon & night for the last year & a bit. Without her I wouldn't have got where I am today she has been fantastic and I truly value her friendship & the support she has given me - this is for her ,, & .

That's so good to hear, Green, I think we were concerned you didn't have enough RL support , but you have your lovely friend, and DB and SIL, and DF, so have a good network of allies to help you win this war on both fronts.
Hope you are feeling strong and positive, we are all here for you. Xx

hello Hobbit - how you doing - you seem to be pretty much on top of things at the moment - im trying to be grateful for what i do have rather than what I dont - i think im turning into some sort of spiritual "nutter" (no offence to anyone) as seem to be heading in this direction!
through - sorry you are having to join us too - but these ladies and man are great support and give out good advice - post as much as you need
drifting -sorry for the reference to the only man - but didnt want to just group you in with the ladies! you sound much better - hows the cds going?
WWK - I know! me and the DD exactly the same - except shes on Instagram! but she is better with the self -imposed ban!
thanks iwas - generally doing a bit better except everything is making me blub today - have had to ask DH if i can put him down as next of kin next week purely for kids sake!
KOKO xx

Green, you definitely seem calmer, and yes, I'm glad you have good RL support.

I'm feeling a bit more chipper today, I'm having a blitz on the housework, as I used to on a Friday evening. Having a quick break now, obviously! Back to work now xx