Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

Hi green honey, do you have anyone who can come and stay with you? A sibling,your mother or a friend? You really shouldn't have to cope with this on your own, I am very worried about you, the stress you are dealing with is overwhelming, we can all offer support and advice on here, but you need someone actually physically present to help you on a day to day basis.
Please take care of yourself, much love , hobbit, x

Green, what Hobbit said. Thinking of you xx

I'm trying to remember that it's not worth wasting emotions on things and people that don't matter. All of us on here are so much better than that.

Hobbit, thanks for PM, will reply later xx

Morning Green - hope you had some sleep last night and are feeling better today xx

you lot

you make me cry - so so caring - thank you - i owe you all big time.

I am ok just about - went to bed have st so knocked me out! I am going to try & see GP today and have my counsellor today too.

I went through the whole range of emotions associated with abuse yesterday - first thinking he cared, then realised it was about control over CI policy, then when questioned him he became defensive, before turning it around & playing victim and then would normally throw in the harrassment for good measure. I have it all documented and realise this is what i have been going through for many years - but each bit on its own so hard to tell and if some bits are taken out of context i can look like a mad nutter! the pattern is all there - and some of it is so ridiculous you have to laugh! except my sense of humour is wearing thin!

I had to go against my own instinct to protect myself to sort the kids out and this is what it does to me- i know my reserves are wearing down but i will keep going - i have to for my kids!

apologies havent read PM's yet but will do so - and I know you are all going through horrendous times too so cant thank you enough

hope we all have a better day.

much lovex

Dear green, I have had to come to terms with the fact that my husband of 27 years no longer cares for me at all, he has long since emotionally detached himself from me, so he could look me in the eye and lie and have sex with someone I thought was a friend.

Your husband has done exactly the same thing to you, you are mourning the loss of the man you knew, he is NO LONGER that man, you have to Realise that. He is not going to be reasonable, trustworthy, and do the decent honest thing, that you would have expected from him in the past.

You have to fight your corner now, for a stable future for you and your children. He may pretend to voice concern over your health problems, but it is really just that, a pretence, as you say the issue of the insurance soon came to the fore, what a dickhead!
It is a hard lesson to learn I know, from personal experience, my darling stbxh is now 'thinking long and hard' over providing maintenance for my Autistic son, after texting many long and emotional messages over Christmas and new year. I never would have thought the man could stoop any lower, but divorce is a steep learning curve isn't it?
Be strong and fight back! We are all here for you, love and hugs , hobbit, xx

Green, I've learnt it is ALL about control. Your twat has had (probably) years, if not a life time, of getting things his own way. So your task, when you can, is to take back control however you can. Whenever he said 'jump' me and the solicitor sat down. It was funny in its own way - although, there's no escaping the hurt and pain, I can assure you it really does start to wear itself out over time.

I think I've spoken about "office hours" on here - that is YOU chose the day and times when you are prepared to communicate/deal with divorce. For me, I always did it on a Friday afternoon. Anything other than requests from the lovely solicitor, got done then, because the solicitor knew how to politely request. STBXH, on the other hand, didn't. The other top tip, is keep sentences ridiculously short.

You: I don't know yet re: treatment plan.

He will write back 'when will you know' plus lots of waffle as to why he MUST KNOW NOW.

You: I will know in a few weeks hopefully.

Him: You must let me know immediately.

You: Otherwise ignore. Anything that 'decrees' or 'orders' can be deleted.

Yes, your husband is an ignorant twat. As Hobbit says, you've just got to treat them with all the trust you'd give to a spammer/convicted swindler.

You are under tremendous stress, so get divorced on one day a week, if you must have contact (I was court-ordered to!) which helps give you time to calm down if it's particularly upsetting. If he gets wise to your chosen 'divorce day', then change it to 'four days after his latest'. Deal with your divorce only as and when you feel capable of doing so. You are, understandably, incredibly anxious about the future, and incredibly hurt. It will get easier just a bit at a time.

Hi all, thanks for PMs. Will reply later, things to do. But I'm feeling a lot happier about that stuff I told you about. Will tell you off thread about that.

Green, thinking of you, WWK has excellent advice xx

Hi all

just to let you know im feeling a bit better - knackered but head back in right place (hopefully) - think had put BC in a box before xmas and I'm having to deal with it before I'm ready - if you ever are- never thought I'd end up in current situation let alone have to deal with this too! GP is great - he's putting in place extra support in case I need it!

WWK its actually DH that does the once a week - thats part of the frustration - he is controlling everything! I would love to just think about all this just once a week but my kids are always on my mind - they are the ones that are really suffering in all this - whoever said kids are resilient i'm not sure i'm convinced but will do whatever it takes for them! They still have the uncertainty of school & house hanging over them without this too -

hobbit -I speak to my dad regularly he is great support but I am on my own with this - unless the dog counts -

Izzie sorry you have got extra rubbish to deal with too -

strong iwas xx

keep going ladies

im going to knock myself out with ST again - i am so tired

Green glad to read you're feeling a bit better today and hope you get a lovely long night of sleep.

I see your dilemma, you want the certainty as soon as possible so you know where you're at, especially, as right now you need to be able to face the BC issue as well but you're trying to negotiate with someone who is immensely in control and you can't get through to him in any way at all.

You're in the scariest of times, not just because of the divorce, but also because of the BC. It is the fear of the unknown future that is driving you to a frenzy today (Assuming you're normal, like me!)

You cannot negotiate with someone who doesn't want to negotiate. That is the sad fact.

I suspect it'll be the courthouse for you, my dear. Can you try MIAMS now, to get that palaver out of the way, even if it's just for SM/on-going financial support as you deal with your medical issues. That way, you get to control the timetable a bit and stop him leading the way?

Im exhausted. Tonight I'm listening to my body for a change. I'm sitting in a very messy kitchen, actually just quite content to be sitting in a very messy kitchen. I look around and think, whatever!

I don't relax easily [although being on MN has proved a distraction]. But the week he left me I kept going and going, well beyond the point of exhaustion. One part of me was saying, stop, I'm exhausted, but the other part just wouldn't let me stop. I wasn't eating at the time. If I was an athlete, I would have broken the pain barrier time and time and time again.

I haven't really stopped since then, I'm constantly tired, still finding things to do. And when I give in, I get all dissatisfied that I haven't done this or that.

I can feel my body starting to relax a bit more now, gradually winding down. I'm trying to just let my mind wander, instead of always focussing on something that needs to be resolved.

Erm, yes, that's why I haven't answered the PMs tonight, too much focus needed.

Had a bit of an amusing evening though. He called round for a while, reason irrelevant. Which I thoroughly enjoyed because: 1. His work demands are even more ridiculously taking over his life than they were before he left, so he's not very happy. 2. He no longer gets his hair cut by my hairdresser, and wherever he gets it done now, it looks shit, far too short, and I know he doesn't like that 3. He took some sports stuff with him. I said, surely you're not going to take up sports again are you? [i don't DO sport or exercise, it's against my religion!]. To which he replied, yes I will have to because I've put on too much weight. To which I replied, oh I ve lost a stone myself actually, and will need to buy some new clothes because some of them are too big now! Knowing that the loony is chubby [nothing wrong with being chubby, but he has always winced at chubby women! and I'm slim] 5. He took a call from his dad whilst he was here. He was at pains to make it clear it was him, by emphasising "DAD". Thereby conforming to my rule that in my company he is never to allude to the chubby loony, or his new residence in the area we used to look down upon. 6. He was very apologetic about taking anything out of the house, apologised that it was not his intention to come to take things. And I was just very casual about it all, yeah no problem. Whereas normally I'm a bit tense and sensitive about it. 7.I made him do a few adjustments to the cupboard doors, which would have been a hassle for me. But I just handed him the screwdriver and said he may as well do something useful whilst I was making tea [drink]. I certainly didn't give any impression that I was asking him because I actually needed help. 8. I felt completely on top of my feelings, in control of the situation, I was friendly but in a take it or leave it, casual sort of way. It was clear I had made no effort to tidy myself or the house, and that I wasn't bothered by it.

I've struggled with my feelings towards him recently. I feel I've now taken him off my pedestal, or at least, he's closer to the edge of it. With our particular story, I need to go beyond what he did etc and to look at him independently of all of it. Part of the process of me getting over someone is to look for all the faults and just go off them. It has always worked very well with me. It helps that I'm also someone who could build the perfect man and still find fault in him. Obviously it doesn't bode well for my future love life. Fortunately, though, I'm not interested in one!

hope everyone is ok.

Izzie - you're right about the pedestal - but my stbxh actually thinks he deserves to be on there - just like he deserved the sports car/gym/£10,000 log cabin! etc etc He believes in hero worship and he worships himself and sod everybody else.

Since he's gone my house has been messier because he hated toy mess! He even put toys in the bin when they got them at Christmas/Birthdays just because he though they were rubbish - even before they had played with them. I currently have a Minnie Mouse Tent and a 5ft colour in cardboard castle in my lounge - he would never have allowed that.

We even had a snowball fight with a large bag on cotton wool balls last night. Instead of me running round the house clearing things away. I even used to shut the dog in the pen before he came home to protect her from a beating (he said she needed to be controlled).

So I can see the changes in our lives but it doesn't stop the deep hurt that I can't seem to explain. Part of me thinks it's failure but my rational mind says it's not. I still think we had good times but was that all in my mind? I've been on and off of anti d's for years thinking it was post natal depression/pstd etc but was it just my way of coping with him.

When I read this it sound like it's all about me but I want to offer you support and hope to you that we will all get through this - there's no other way. xxxx

Hey gang . Been busy since weekend away . See the same crap is still happening in our merry gang . Started the big D - that was pretty expensive to start with so a nice hole in the savings .

Soon start to paint and erase some memories. Neighbour has been cooking still , I think it works for both of us, she enjoys the company , I enjoy the food ! So today I treated my neighbour to one of those jigsaw puzzle boards so she can do her puzzles in her lounge , she was delighted , you know, it didnt cost the earth (£20) but it made her day .

Shows you that in this shitty scenario of divorces & separations , you know what good will come out of it one way or the other, I know it is said many times, but it does happen .

And just something else made me laugh today , been to bank to discuss loans, when I told the IFA why I needed money she told me she suffered a breakdown 28+ years ago, he left for her neighbour - my goodness we both laughed today , even in the bleakest of times, sometimes, you just got to laugh . So keep on battling on all & one day , we will look back with I hope a smile, I am all for MN - my bestest female friend ( 24+ years mates ) knows how much I use it for support and company , if that is the right word ?

I would be lost without all this verbal outpouring so I hope we're all keeping as well as we can be !

Why, beating the dog. That says all you need to know about him.

And good for you to have a messy messy messy fun fun fun filled house

None of what went on was about you. You were living a nightmare.

You know the pattern of domestic violence, what they do to the mind. It's as clear as anything to me from the little you said that this was emotional abuse, that sort of thing. You were just trying to cope in impossibly awful circumstances, bless you.

What is so heartening is that you are a kind, caring person, pulling yourself out of it, striking back by creating a happy home. And not one ounce of bitterness in your post.

You deserve every happiness going. You will get there. And thank you xx

Hi, whyme , it sounds like a much more relaxed, happier household now he is no longer in it. He sounds like a complete control freak, and a massive twat to boot! I wish I could give him a boot right up the arse for you, your children and the dog. You have not failed in any way, the failure is all his, in not behaving in a decent, loving, responsible way, towards you and your family. You are on your way now to a better life, without worrying about pleasing him all the time, walking on eggshells around his moods and foul
temper. Be happy, you and your children deserve it, have fun and act silly, why not? Choose what you want to do and when you want to do it.
You will get over the hurt, we all will in time, it's just waiting for that time to pass isn't it? Can we get a fast forward on the time it takes to heal? No, unfortunately, we will just need to be patient.

Don't worry about posting about your experiences and feelings, it helps us all to know how each other are really coping. Sometimes I feel like I'm just putting on a 'front' of feeling better, because other people want me to be better, so I don't want to disappoint them, but on here I can say how I really am feeling, and I know I won't be judged for that. Lots of love, xx

Drifting, you sound chirpier by the day. My brother once told me that he read a book by a sportsman. And this man said that we shouldn't let the bad part of our lives influence the good parts. Compartmentalise, I suppose.

I agree about MN. I love this thread, lots of support, people going through the same in real time, and some laughs too. And, unlike in RL, you don't feel guilty about going on and on about things if you want/ need to. There is always someone on here who answers. And it's also a bit of a diary too. I'm looking forward to reading this lot back in a number of years time. When we are all divorcing for the second time haha

Don't say that Izzie! I'm never going near another man again! I'll just become a crazy cat lady, (or dog lady, I'm more of a dog person), and gird my loins against any more male attention.
Actually, I'm tempting fate there aren't I? Probably meet a George Clooney lookalike in Tesco over the ready meals for one, and have to turn away because of this post. Big hugs everyone x

Yes Hobbit, I agree about being able to admit going backwards. We all know it's part of the process. I'm sure some people think it's a bit like when we were teenagers, about 10 years ago. We get cheated on and dumped. We are heartbroken. For a week. And then we are madly in love again with another spotty urchin.

Hobbit, could this George Clooney lookalike be ithe ex H of iwas, finally booted out by the OW? Ooh, better check what supermarket she frequents.
Don't forget to polish those wellies!

I think we need to up the game and shop Waitrose, dahling!

I did once see someone interesting outside a supermarket. A woman with three ferrets.

No Waitrose in the arse end of nowhere darling! What can you be thinking?
Wellies already polished to a brilliant shine, tractor on standby, nothing holding me back, don't think Iwas's ex would venture out this far, not without his pith helmet, ( yes, pith helmet, not piss helmet, that's a completely different game ) Hee Hee, x feeling chipper today:)

Haha, I can imagine "get those wellies shining, I'm just dusting off my helmet"

Lock up the sheep if you spot him!

glad to see the humour has returned ladies & gentleman - all seem to be coping a bit better today -

I had a good talking to from my counsellor yesterday and has put things in perspective a bit - basically dealing with a double whammy and a huge blackhole! not to mention the completely insensitive DH so how I have been feeling is perfectly justified - same old thing really expect too much of ourselves when we wouldn't expect it of anyone else.

Just trying to get my head in gear now for next week - have been doing a bit of googling and think I am going to be more out of action than I thought! lots of tv coming up i think!

Sometimes I am chirpier sometimes not , I mentioned previously the hardest is not sleeping. That sucks.

But I am more confident of getting some sleep now with my cds and going to bed later.

Eating wise is getting better but living on my own now is hard but my neighbour said it took her ages to adjust to shopping & cooking for one as well . Just trying to keep moving forward. But sometimes it is backwards all , but I can see that in months to come we will all move forward & Izzie said , hope we can look back in the future & remember what a s**t time it was and how much better we feel. I hope we do .

No Waitrose here either. I wonder if Waitrose looks down on the Welsh? Shall we sue them for discrimination? Given I am Litigation Queen WWK...

IF I ever decide to let a man into my bed again, and that is a BIG IF, it will be on my terms and my terms alone. I am not negotiable anymore!

I am conditional!

Having just re-read that, I should also point out I have never been 'for sale', but having listened to MrSW in court last week, you'd be thinking I was a 'waitress in a cocktail bar before I met him'. Arse.

Then I went for a job interview today, and they were really complementary about my 'non-cocktail bar career'. Which has pissed me off, how am I suppose to be a 'professional lady who lunches' if they offer me a job? With a career? With prospects? With a salary?

I am so screwed...