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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

999 replies

Hobbitwife001 · 11/12/2014 23:34

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 18/01/2015 18:34

Why, hard to see the abuse etc.....yes my friend said that. For years he's been telling her that she has a mental problem, or however he phrased it. She has only realised that it's him, not her, and that it's abuse

Izzie595 · 18/01/2015 18:36

Only JUST realised, I mean

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 18/01/2015 18:42

Hi Iwas , i have copied that'lightbulb moment' paragraph into my notebook, word for word, I have a book in which I write down all the things I want to say to my ex and the ow, but can't, at the moment, and that was one of the best, most heartfelt posts I have ever read on MN.
Every time I read something really meaningful and pertinent to my own situation, out comes my notebook and in goes the relevant phrases.
When I finally get the chance to tell them how I feel about their betrayal, I will let loose with both barrels, so to speak, ( unfortunately not of the shotgun variety, only verbal,).
You seem to have turned the corner, and I am so happy you are feeling stronger and more able to cope. You will inspire the rest of us on this thread to realise we are FAR better without them. Much love x

OP posts:
strong123 · 18/01/2015 19:53

Izzie - that is what I don't understand - he left last April - has moved into his own place and insists they are just good friends and everything is in my head - I don't understand why he doesn't just tell me the truth. I mean what difference does it make now?

drifting2015 · 18/01/2015 20:46

Hobbit - me too making notes too on these excellent little phrases. I note them and then I can always read them when I need to instead of looking high & low for where they were posted.

For someone still in the early days today is a better day , better than yesterday , probably better than tomorrow having to pay some legal bills . I wonder how long my journey will be & I wonder how many new passengers will join our merry band ?

Sometimes , the mind can almost think you are getting there but I know that just in the last few weeks no way , I saw one post it is like snakes & ladders isn't it ? That is something I thought of too a few weeks ago, little progress, big falls ?

Neighbour has loaned some cd's on top of meditation ones, they are water / ocean / storm so they will now be sat next to the bed for use if needed be .

It isn't much to say everyone but thinking of each & everyone , I look forward to hearing what you are doing and how you are doing too .

Izzie595 · 18/01/2015 23:22

Strong, who knows what goes on in their minds? Possibly minimising to spare you. Doesn't want kids to know? I don't know if you have kids, by the way. I suppose it would also help if we didn't feel the need for answers. WWK posted about that somewhere on this thread in reply to a post of mine. That might help.

Night all, another day nearer to a new happier life xxx

greenberet · 19/01/2015 09:45

hi all - just wanted to let you know i am feeling ok this morning - thanks for all the PMs - i read last night but will be reading again and replying

i have worked out what yesterday was all about - I had tried to let my DD sort out the arrangements with DH herself - she wanted to do this but speaking to her last night realise that DH will lie to her to manipulate the situation and also nothing has really been arranged. I dont feel I can leave it up to him because his default is to do nothing and then the kids do not know what they are doing and this makes them worry - so I have had to email him this morning to get things sorted - and this is going against my natural urge to protect myself by having no contact - once I make contact I am then vulnerable to being abused in whichever way he choses. My expectation of reasonable behaviour disappeared a long time ago but I feel i am having to do this for the kids -

Having just reread what I have written - this is not right is it?

greenberet · 19/01/2015 09:50

you know I have just had a reply to my email - comes across as all completely reasonable & agreeing to everything I have said - this is what messes with my head because he couldnt say this to my face yesterday when he was here - back on the floor again!

greenberet · 19/01/2015 09:59

except I am not - because I have just read it again and realise it is more manipulation, intimidation and control and guess what he has asked about & willing to sort out - the critical illness payout - how predictable!

greenberet · 19/01/2015 10:12

just like his DF pretend to be friends with the old dears he bought houses of by having tea & a chat with them but all he really wanted was the house at a cheap price!

greenberet · 19/01/2015 10:30

my poor MIL she was emotionally abused by her DH & her DD!

greenberet · 19/01/2015 14:00

i am starting to feel like i can't cope - anything could tip me over the edge right now - i tried to get into see my GP today but he is full - i have just had the paperwork through for my tax bill which DH would normally deal with and its £8k - i dont have the money to pay this -I dont know whats happening - I dont actually do a job and I havent had the share of the money to warrant this - i am so fed up with it all just one lie after another and having to pick up all the pieces all the time - i just want this to end

greenberet · 19/01/2015 15:56

my DH has just told me to stop worrying about this - i have more important things to focus on - he knew about my cancer before christmas - didnt stop him doing any of the things he has done since then- didnt stop him getting his solicitor to write to mine just last week saying that he will go to the police if i didnt stop harrassing him which was all based on lies and now I am at the lowest ive been he tells me to stop worrying - how do I do this then - right now i cant get my head to stop whirring

greenberet · 19/01/2015 16:51

i knew I should have had NO CONTACT because everything always end up about him! I quote

"It would be useful for me to know details of your treatment so that I can plan as best as possible to do the school run for as long as it takes and have the kids over and above planned times if needed, take the kids to dentist, collect from sports matches, arrange shopping etc.

I have asked for details 3 times now, 7 Jan, 9 Jan. You want to be convinced that I'm putting the kids as my priority and can rely on me 100% - I need to know what's happening to do this."

I CANT TELL YOU THE TREATMENT PLAN BECAUSE IT DEPENDS ON WHAT THEY FIND WHEN THEY DO THE OP

please close your ears whilst i scream!

greenberet · 19/01/2015 17:53

makes me laugh DH having conversations with people about the dog he left behind 6 months ago! and hasnt seen since!

whyMe2014 · 19/01/2015 18:59

oh green - this man could be my stbxh twin. They are using the same tactics and when I first joined mumsnet I couldn't see it but things have gradually dawned on me. Especially with the help of the freedom programme that 'we did not create these human beings these bullys were there all the time'. But once they decide to go the fury they appear to direct at us has no end.

My husband took everything including the car and recently he went into an old savings account and withdrew the £3 interest. He's left me with nothing and I'm claiming benefits. He's pushed his children onto free school meals while he drives round in a sports car and wears designer clothes.

I've had a lung condition and I've been on extensive sick leave since last May. He doesn't believe it and has requested all the certificates! I know your health matter is worst than mine but you will find the strength. You just keep holding on by your finger tips and ring the samaritans at 2 o'clock in the morning or whatever time you need to. Come on here and chat. Lots of us are still here at silly o'clock in the morning.

I've been in the very depths of despair and had the darkest thoughts. I know I'll have bad days again but they wont take me quite by surprise like the first time.

Some days I've felt I couldn't go on one moment longer but I did and you will to.

Sending love and hugs xx

strong123 · 19/01/2015 21:36

Green - please make sure you see your GP tomorrow. Please don`t let him upset you anymore today.

Do you have an accountant for the business? If so they can help with explaining the tax bill. Is there anyone who can talk to your DH about plans for the children etc?

I`m sorry that I don't have any words of advice but wanted to send you hugs and to say that you are doing so well xx

Izzie595 · 19/01/2015 22:03

Sent PMs first before reading posts. I can see though it's not been good today. Will read now

Izzie595 · 19/01/2015 22:13

Green, Strong.....my rants are small fry compared to what you are going through. You are both incredible women for still standing, even if only just at times, in the most horrendous nightmare.

It is absolutely sick that anyone should have to go through what you are going through.

Ladies, you will get through this and come out the other side. Vent, vent, rant, whatever it takes. Every single person who reads your posts, they are praying for you to get more strength, and for this bloody awful stuff to reach an end as soon as possible.

Life is so bloody unfair, it really is. In your shoes, I would be kicking the walls down in absolute sheer rage

Izzie595 · 19/01/2015 22:27

Whyme......my above post, you too xx

iwashappy · 19/01/2015 22:35

Green I am so sorry that you are really struggling again today. As Strong says please try again to see your GP tomorrow. Try and focus on you the next few weeks, you have enough to deal with without all of the upset that you are getting from other areas.

It probably won't feel like it but you will get through this. Sending you hugs and thinking of you x

Izzie595 · 19/01/2015 22:37

Green, listen to strong and whyme. You are under unbelievable pressure and you need real life help ASAP. You are going to need loads of emotional support to get you through to the op. Take it from wherever you can.

Does anyone think green should call emergency doc? I know nothing about ad's, but does she need something to calm her down, help her sleep?

Green, think about the above. I know your posts can be extremely raw, and I know that can be a huge release, but with all you are going through, I'm very worried that you need more. I'm thinking of you, my darling, wish I could take away your pain and fear. I can't imagine what you must be going through. Xx

Izzie595 · 19/01/2015 22:41

I see green hasn't been on here since 6 PM. I'm hoping that's a good sign

Izzie595 · 19/01/2015 22:44

The timings of greens posts today, the gaps in between. This is me when I have let rip at the ex. Can't switch off, it just keeps coming.can go on for hours. Then eventually I've exhausted myself. I hope green is there too

Izzie595 · 19/01/2015 22:50

Green, PMd you. Forget about my shit. Read the other one.

Big hugs xxxx

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