Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

izzie - i cant he has ignored all previous emails even to do with kids - the only thing he responds to is practical arrangements - right now i havent got the strength to deal with has he read, is he ignoring, is he stonewalling - and if i make contact i cant trust myself not to engage so i cant do it. ill have to deal with this by myself as always

izzie go & get on with your decorating - im going to take the dog out :-) will be on later

Green, understood. All of it. Of course. Will check back later too. So now I have to go buy more paint :(

Green, just had one of my "you c**t" moments putting kitchen doors back on. Plenty more to do, so lots of anger channeling today.

Ps mwah xxxxxxx

right now i feel at breaking point - i am so down today - ive been out & walked the dog & done some shopping but cant seem to shake it off - you know I am wondering whether OW is getting support from her DH -( i spoke to him at the start of all this) as somehow she manages to spend a lot of time at DH's house which is 3hrs away from her home so somebody is helping her with childcare- and all the while she is no doubt relishing that there is no relationship between me & DH -& probably stoking it -not even for the sake of the kids and not even when I have been diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer - perhaps shes hoping hes going to play happy families with her kids! - and she calls me "twisted"! I am past the point of caring!

Green - is there anyone you can talk to in real life? If not I am here and listening and sending you hugs xx You shouldn't care about anything which she says - you are worth a thousand times more than her and you should never forget that.

I am having a bit of a strange day today - DP had DS last night and I've actually had some time on my own - so I went to the hairdressers yesterday afternoon and have been swimming and aqua aerobics this morning. DS has text me and seems to be having a good time - which is good but it also makes me sad - not sure if that even makes sense!! I was thinking last night of everything we've been through and I can't understand how we can have been through so much and now he is doing everything he can to hurt me. But anyway he is obviously in nice mode today and I am going to try and make an effort to not get wound up about little things this week as I just wish we could get along better and stop all the arguments.

Green, her ex is probably enjoying spending time with his kids. It's not about helping her.

You are having an absolutely awful day, everything is hitting you at once. Surely the cancer diagnosis alone will get you thinking why me!!

Forget her. She lives three hours away and has kids. Who knows how that would pan out eventually, uprooting kids etc, away from their dad too. The vast majority of affairs don't last. She will probably end up as a single mum, but knowing that she was the master of her own fate.

As for her opinions.......she has blown apart the lives of two families, including her own kids, for someone who lives a three hour drive away. Not rational, not moral. What do her opinions matter?? She will say anything she can to try to deflect the blame away from her. What a cliche. But people make up their own minds, whatever may be said. They are not daft.

I would have checked on you before now, but I thought you had got a bit better after your PM. As it is, I've had visitors so didn't. I will check regularly now, as I'm sure Strong will.

You know how I was on Friday. I'm a lot better now. Recognise that it will improve.

What to suggest to take your mind off it, even for a while.....well, if you can face doing something practical, at the very least you will have got something useful done. I feel that a shit awful time is one thing, but it adds insult to injury when it impacts on the practical side. I know that's not always possible and sometimes you can't force even that. Maybe a DVD etc? Any chance of getting a sleep? Sometimes you just end to write off the whole day as soon as possible.

Keep venting on here if it helps. Know that we all care xx

Back home from weekend trip, hello everyone, I am truly sorry all you are having rubbish days , I guess you all seem to know each other pretty well and probably have done for a long time ?

I am new really, so I don't offer much support - I wish I could help somehow. It has been odd coming back to an empty house for the first time in 20+ years , really odd , I guess this is just one of many first times I am going to experience in the future. One sister is keen to commence some painting & I think its a great idea . Will line up a weekend and crack on & give it a go.

Saturday wasn't a great day but had a relaxing Sat evening and a fairly good sleep which makes all the difference we all know.

Strong - I wonder the same , how much we went through in a marriage and we still survived but now no communication after 20 years , still find it very hard to believe but I am trying to think of and establish new routines that are different from what I used to do . That should help ?

Got my new CD player to unwrap for my relaxation cd's , will see how that works and let everyone know.

Drifting, you definitely are progressing. I've been on MN since iwashappy started her original thread in....September? I contributed but have name changed since.

I only started posting my own stuff NewYears Eve, so I'm pretty new to all of this. Don't feel you have to offer advice. The sharing of experiences is good. Also, sometimes we find our own solutions etc but thinking about others in similar situations.

The point is, you are very much a part of this thread.

I'm in a better place now. Have made a decision about the car, so that's one less thing. Got to actually buy one yet, but at least I know where I'm going with it. I just feel time pressured. As I've had a bad fortnight, really, I haven't kept on top of things at home. I really could do with some time off work, but can't take holiday. Oh well!

I've got to see one of the managers tomorrow or whenever, as they would like to see if there is anything they can do to help. It would help, quite frankly, if I didn't have to face that! Or some paid time off? Urgh!

By thinking, not but thinking

Green I am sorry you are having such a bad day. As Izzie says sometimes you just have to write the day off and hopefully tomorrow will be better.

This time last week I was you. This is what I wrote on my thread last Sunday:

"I'm feeling really down today. Sad, tearful and full of regret. I can't even feel angry today.... I just feel sad. I am never going to have what was my family together anymore. I still don't understand how I didn't realise what my husband was like. I don't want to hate my husband....I just have no motivation today to do anything other than wallow. I haven't done any decorating today, I haven't been for my walk. I was doing a roast dinner tonight. I've cooked the pork but my daughter will be eating pork sandwiches later as I just can't be bothered to cook the potatoes etc... I have had bad days before but I'd been a bit more positive the last few days and I just felt tearful when I woke up even though I had gone to bed feeling okay. I had all sorts of things I was going to do today and I just can't be bothered. I just didn't think I was going to feel like this today... it just feels like being normal again is such a long way off."

As it happens my tomorrow was another bad day and started the same way Tuesday too. Despite a lot of upset in the week with my daughter today I feel okay. You will feel okay again too. Last Sunday I just couldn't snap out of it, I was so down. If you had told me last Sunday that I would have a reasonable weekend this week I would not have believed you but I have. You will get through this, but everyone on here knows how you feel and we are all here for you. I have sent you a PM. Look after yourself

I think we should all employ iwas to tackle the OWs!

When I posted on your original thread iwas, I and a number of others, I'm sure, would never in a million years have thought you could deliver the supermarket speech. What a killer! Oh come on, iwas, I've asked already! Post it on here. That is the best entertainment I've had for ages.....even finally catching up on Broadchurch

I had a proper conversation with my husband on Friday for the first time in what felt like ages. He had upset our daughter and I wanted to talk to him about it.

I feel that I have made a bit of progress mentally. When I spoke to him I thought that I would feel quite emotional as we hadn't really had any proper contact for a bit apart from when he rung my daughter and I spoke to him. I thought it would feel a bit more emotional actually spending time with him and seeing him but I was okay.

I did make it clear to him that I only wanted to speak about our daughter which probably helped. But I have spent all this time since I knew that he had been unfaithful wishing that he had not lied and cheated and then we could still be together. Talking to him I was thinking that I don't want to be with a cheat and a liar and that is who he is. He is not who I thought he was. He does have a decent side to him, the side that I knew, but he has the side that he kept hidden from me and that side is very much a part of him.

It is not just a case of he lied and cheated which is how I have viewed it. It is him, he is a liar and a cheat and was for many years before I knew him. That is the man he is, it is not something that he has done, it is a fundamental part of his character. I no longer feel that I am just telling myself that I am better off without him, I actually believe it. I know that I don't want him because he is not what I want in a man and that is the man he is.

Realising this has helped me enormously so I thought it might help to share these thoughts.

Any man (or woman) who treats you with such a lack of respect and care for you that they are prepared to have an affair knowing how much it would devastate you is not worth your tears. Anybody who neglects the welfare and feelings of their own children is not worth your anguish. Anyone who could treat someone that they shared a life and a marriage with such a lack of compassion and consideration is not worth your heartache. We are all much better off without anyone who would treat us and our children so badly. There will still be bad days and it will still hurt but do we really want to be with anyone who would treat the person they are supposed to love and care for like this. We will get there and we will be so much better for it when we do.

Just for you Izzie x

I saw OW at the shop yesterday. We clocked each other at the checkout as we were at adjacent tills. I glared at her and she looked awkward. We finished about the same time and I dawdled so that she would be out of my way when I got out the shop. However, she was waiting outside the shop for me.

She said that "I know that I'm probably the last person you want to speak to and I can't imagine how awful this must be for you". She said that it was no excuse and nothing should have happened in the first place but she didn't mean for me to get hurt and never thought that my family would get broken up and she was so sorry that had happened. She said that "never in a million years" did she think this would be the outcome.

I said that she should have thought about that before she dropped her knickers and that she didn't seem bothered about it when she was chatting to me before I knew. I said that she was only bothered now that he had been caught out otherwise she'd be still chatting to me now like a two faced bitch.

She said that it wasn't true that she was only bothered by being found out and that she had felt guilty. She said that she would totally deserve it if I went ballistic at her and said she was sorry for upsetting me by waving the other week but didn't know how best to react around me which is why she had spoken to me because we were obviously going to see each other sometimes.

I said that I might have to see her sometimes but I didn't want to speak to her. I said that her sorry was just hollow words and meant nothing. I said that she was just a cheap tart who was one of many and meant nothing. I said that he was a womaniser and she just happened to be available because she had no morals.

She said it was no excuse but she had fallen for him before anything happened and she thought that he liked her and hadn't realised he was like that at the time. I said if she thought that he was going to keep it in his trousers then she was more stupid than she looked. I said that she "might have got my husband into bed because let's face it he'll go with any old skank but you will never play happy families with my children" and I walked off.

I kept my composure until I got home and then I broke down but I have actually felt better since then and it was satisfying telling her what I thought of her. I have felt better for it. My sister said "good on you" and my daughter is impressed.

I love you iwas!!!

You are THE legend of MN

["might have got my husband into bed because let's face it he'll go with any old skank......]

Laugh out loud every bloody time I think of that!!

Woo hoo iwas!!

Iwas, the post before Death at the Supermarket, the last paragraph, so true.

The paragraph just up from that, your lightbulb moment, as it were, I found that very moving. And that's why that's my other favourite post.

Iwas, I'm so pleased that I've been with you on your journey from the very beginning. I'm so sorry you had to go through it. You have always been so dignified, and that's why so many people have continued to follow you. The fact that you are coming out of this a strong woman, when I think a lot of us, me included, thought this would destroy you......I take my hat off to you

Thanks Iwas - for your wise thoughts - they are just what I needed to hear. It is days like today that I start to struggle with my thoughts - DS has just come back from his dads and has a great 24hrs. I'm sitting here thinking - why can't he always be like this? I must be such a fool to be grateful that he is doing what a proper father would do. Often it is easier to be cross and mad at him but then I see a glimpse of a normal DP and father.

I just need to remind myself that he won't change - this is the man who has had 3 affairs whilst we have been together and OK he still denies having an affair this time...and maybe I am paranoid but his past actions have made me like that....

I guess today he was the father that I always wanted him to be and it is harder to accept...if that makes sense...

the trouble with lies is that once you start you cant stop - lies to your solicitor lies to your daughter - how low will you go!

Iwashappy - omg! You are my hero! How did you do that?

I play out everything in my head as to what I would say to the OW but you had the chance - excellent.

My husbands OW is another police officer with a child and she knows he has broken our family up and she has the morals of an alley cat - what a pleasant person she must be. He says that I have no reason to know what she is like but one day my children will meet this bitch. Obviously I do not blame just her for the break up - I know it takes two. But I do hope that what goes around comes around and they get whats coming to them. Plus she doesn't know that he has form! He actually broke another marriage up in 1998! - Like a fool I though we could mend our relationship and gave it another go! Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Why me, I've heard that infidelity is rife amongst police. Also, someone I know is living with a police officer. It's going pear shaped. Some of the things she's told me about the psychological abuse etc, it's vile.

And these are the people who keep our streets safe!

Strong.....from my ex.....as he left....he is NOT having an affair, but there has been contact, and as a result of that, he will be moving in

Fucking priceless!!!

I am actually laughing at my last post, his words. You couldn't make it up

Yep - even I can't believe what he put us through. It's like I'm writing my own 'Take a Break' story.

Some Police as partners appear to believe that they are above the law - we even had a large canvas of him with his police guns on the wall in our lounge! He still actually strutts! He thinks this picture is actually him!

It is hard to understand why I actually put up with this abuse - If my daughter was telling me this sort of thing I would tell her to run but it's hard to see it when you're in the middle.

Your friend needs help please google the Freedom programme (or check out your local one stop shop).

Why me, thank you. I've given her some details of various things, and will add that too.

Yes, some police officers are very arrogant. I know what you mean about strutting! Definitely one of those jobs where you wonder is it the job that makes them like that, or does the job attract people like that!

Back to my friend, he has shown her how he interrogates people and ties them up in verbal knots. What an idiot! He has threatened her that nobody would believe her because he's a police officer. He has hit her at least once. I'm keeping a close eye on her and have given her my address etc in case she needs to escape, she's a work friend, if you know what I mean. The good thing, though, is there are signs that he is playing away and may be looking to end the relationship. She's reached the stage where it's about financial survival, ensuring she gets the money back that she put into the house etc. She's keeping out of his way, trying to put money aside. Problem of course that she doesn't have enough to buy her own property, even after getting out her share, it seems. She's not married. She's taken legal advice, and I've pointed her to stuff online, as it seems some of the legal advice she's been given isn't correct, eg that she can't get her money back out of the house on a split, despite putting it in for an extension.

My issues pale in comparison