Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

This thread, I have to say, is an absolute lifeline, isn't it? I'm not having counselling, my choice, but I feel the dialogue here, sharing of thoughts, feedback fro others is invaluable.

At some stage I will post a question about counselling. Would be interested in the replies. Haven't quite formulated the questions though

Hi everyone been reading & thinking of everyone. I think of you all by the way , because I can see that no matter how much we all keep our heads up we all still have plenty of wobbles & fall over.

WWK posted I think yesterday about the little things that happen that make it seem unending ? Example - TV aerial blew down last weekend & I really did think I cannot keep going on . However a friend listened and said look it can be sorted , just one more little thing that yes usually I would take in my stride but because of how I am feeling it was really like the biggest setback ! Thanks WWK. Washing dishes , laundry , even eating seem so hard.

I cooked some food this week at home yippee ! As you all know my neighbour ( 74 ) & wonderful is keeping me going. So I treated her to a takeaway and said she is my saviour, to be honest , I have so many saviours at the moment I will never in my lifetime be able to repay or even begin to repay any of them .

WWK has said this is a marathon , yes everyone it is , it is going to be , and we're all in it together , even if we thought we'd never run a marathon !

My sisters have gone shopping I am having a quiet hour or two at sisters house, thought I would check in everyone, let you all know you're on my mind, we may never ever meet, but I am thinking of each one of you , I am , sending you all my best wishes and encouragement to be strong , even when we cannot be strong if you get that ?

Izzie - most definitely this is a lifeline . Without a doubt .

Counselling, I have asked for some through GP & work . I am definitely taking every piece of help I can . I need to . I hope when I eventually get some counselling I can let you all know what it does or will do for me . Hope to be in touch again over the weekend .

Hi Drifting, good to hear from you. I'm just on a break from decorating. You sound so much more positive etc.

I think the way this thread had developed, it's become very much a little group. And yes, we will always share this bond.

Still pondering what I want to ask about counselling. Meantime, the kitchen drawers are starting to go back on.....Well, whatever else may happen in my life, all this has given me so much confidence in the DIY dept

Drifting, being on this thread with all women.....apart from Mr Greenberet the snooper of course......has it given you some insight into the female mind?

Izzie I am not sure really , I do know this is a shit time though . I always try to think what is good about my life, I remind myself family, friends, health, roof , food ? Do I need anything else ? OK, yes I need to get over this.

I think you ladies are strong for certain . I hope I can be during the months ahead whilst trying to function daily. I am sitting at sisters on own , theyre on way back from shopping with some sandwiches. They are a super bunch .

I can see that you are doing the right thing keeping busy , looks like I will be starting the painting soon too, getting rid of memories, but that is so so hard too , to think about what has happened .

I was re-reading this thread when I came across a post from Familyof3 & that was inspiring, about you will move forward, you will have more good days than bad days , so I am hoping that will happen to me because some days , like today , it is so hard to take . It is .

And i f anyone is reading this thinking is it really a man , well yes, one day I will fill in more details , but I am a man with a broken heart and it hurts very very much, but not as much as it would if I hadn't been able to share on MN . I mean that sincerely.

Drifting - it will get better slowly and you will get over this - says me who seems to spend most of her time scrabbling around on the floor at the moment!
and yes thinking about what is good in life is a great way of trying to be positive - doesn't have to be anything huge - i have just taken the dog over the fields with 5 deer in the sunshine - and you know what that has done more for me than the money I used to waste on shopping trying to fill a void.
I am having counselling - it helps me - but mainly because I suffered serious depression 15 years ago and didn't want to end up back there. Actually I have had so much drama that it is mainly spilling my guts each week but little by little I am getting there - and when i am finished my backbone will be made of steel! Im also a recent convert to mindfulness - just concentrating about right now - because if you are doing that you can't be dissecting the past or worrying about the future.
And Drifting can I say I admire you - there are probably so many men that would be trying to mend the hurt with a replacement as quickly as possible rather than face the pain. You are doing the right thing - being true to yourself and allowing yourself to feel all you need to - thats why you will get there because you are dealing with it rather than shoving it in a box and burying it deep inside. your sincerity comes through in your post. KOKOx

Drifting and Green, really lovely posts, both very true and from the heart.
It's so nice to have a male viewpoint, Drifting, I think we demonise our other halves to get through the pain they have caused/are causing, but not all men are this way, and not all women are angels, you have shown us the difficulties that you are facing are the same, pain and rejection are not gender specific. There are not many men who would join this forum, I am glad that you have, we will all support each other. Love hobbit, x

Who is following iwas on her own thread. See her post 18.03. THAT is how to deal with OW face to face!

Evening all . Been out for a walk and had tea with sisters , a bath , no wine , just winding down really hoping to sleep before heading home Sunday . A mixed day seeing lots of couples walking and I on my own it was hard, still having lots of those moments where you ask why me ? Do we all have them or is this a stage you have gotten over ?

I am more than happy to be the sole man at the moment but I wonder if there are more men looking at this maybe ? Tell you all without MN I wouldnt be able to cope , really, it is like a real shoulder to lean on etc , seeing people reply & post helps me so much .

I have bought some cd's from a charity shop on relaxation & one sister has bought me a book on Mindfulness, I will buy a new CD player for my bedroom , in case I wake, sorry WHEN I wake in the early hours & use it to try & drift ( get the pun! ) back to sleep. Really I am trying everything to get through this awful shitty time.

I wish I could be more honest but in case I am found out, I have to be discreet. I need to move onto next steps see in the process starting solicitors and its shit. Handing in my marriage cert really hurt. Really hard.

Best wishes to you all wherever you all are. Can I ask , will we lose touch if this thread becomes full, I would like to see you all posting on as I know you are all in the same situation as me and I don't want to lose that support if you understand ?

Hi Drifting sounds like a good day for this stage.

I know of so many marriages that are in trouble that when I look at couples I more wonder whether theirs is good or bad. I can't get used to not wearing my wedding ring. I still have the indent on my finger, it looks like I've just taken it off. I look at women by themselves and look at their wedding finger to see if they are wearing one.

Last week I went to see my family, my neice's party. She has three godmothers. Two of them are unmarried primary school teachers. The OW is a primary school teacher. I kept wondering if they were anything like her. I have never even seen what she looks like, I never want to. I never intend being in the same room as her, whatever the occasion. The other godmother is married and has children. Her husband, their father, was there. Their relationship started as an affair. Even though I've met her before and talked to her, I could barely look at her.

Going out by myself I find hard, lack of confidence. I rarely went anywhere without him, as in shops etc. I used to see my own friends, that's not a problem, although I haven't really been out much. I think I still want to be in my bubble at home.

That mindfulness thing, I'd never heard of it until Green's post. I think that would be something for me to look into.

Yes, I too ask why me.

Once the thread is full, a new one can be started, that's the usual thing. It won't be a problem.

If there's anything you want to say but don't want it on this thread, just PM some of us.

Have a safe journey

You see couples everywhere - it's like you're the only one on your tod, but it is just a phase. When your self-esteem starts to return, you get over it, but getting your self-esteem to return will take time and effort. I can go out on my own now, I've joined loads of teams/clubs and made a lot of new friends recently. No one gives a fig that you're on your own, which has come as a pleasant surprise. Once I got out of my hermit stage (where all I wanted to do was barricade myself into my home) I have just started saying 'yes' to everything, no matter what it is! The more I get invited out, the bigger my circle of friends becomes, the more I feel more self-confident (rather than the beacon of loserville that I used to feel) but you couldn't have paid me to leave the house some days a few months ago.

Divorce is horrendous, there's no two ways about it - it felt at the time the greatest act of treachery. But I refuse now to feel ashamed of it.

Mr SW's solicitor sent a lousy legal letter last Friday complaining my wedding ring was not declared on Form E...The deluded bastard must have thought it cost a lot more than it did! Nine months later, I'm still not mark free, and often go to 'fiddle' with it to be surprised it's not there.

One more thing that has worked for me, is actually forcing myself to go to places I'd previously gone with him. So that I don't 'enshrine' things that I did with him, but rather treat them as a place for me to go. Of course, the first time hurts, but it's a bit like doing the decorating - reclaiming your place and your memories.

Off to see what Iwas has been up to...

I'm lucky I have friends who are divorced, very happily so, and enjoy living on their own. Others are married only in name and are waiting for the moment to leave. Others know their marriage isn't right, but stay for financial reasons.One went through a horrendous divorce, a real MN special, became Ms Independent, dated loads of men over the years, married one she hadn't known for long, and it's causing her nothing but grief. I and a friend often touch on the subject of "scratch the surface" and "behind closed doors".

Nine months later and still not mark free! That mark is like a bloody symbol to me.

Reclaiming memories.....absolutely. Music is a huge memory thing for me. I deliberately, in the Xmas run up, played the Xmas songs that held specific memories. Over that period I started playing Spandau Ballet, just because. Although it is one we often used to sing along to, but I reclaimed that. However, when he visited Boxing Day, not my choice, as detailed on thread, I made sure it was playing all the time he was here, just to prove a point!

Hi everyone, I don't have friends who are divorced, so as WWK says, I feel a bit awkward when invited to social things, but force myself to go, or ask if I can bring a friend, and then I don't feel like 'billy no mates' .
I had some friends around to my house last night, two couples who have been very supportive of me, and although I enjoyed it, ( but bloody hard doing all the cooking, clearing, offering drinks, tidying up by myself!) it did feel odd,and I did have a little weep when they had left.
But hey-ho, only a little one,not a full on melt down!

I understand about the ring'thing' as well, I wonder how long it will take for the indentation to go ? I was going to wear another ring on that finger, but it felt strange, and I don't want to put off the hordes of potential suitors clamouring at my door do I? A well meaning relative said, ' What you need is another man ' that is what I DEFINATELY do not need at the moment, self esteem and confidence in my boots, tbh I don't know if would ever be bothered with another man again, well just have to watch this space.

struggling this morning - head has gone into overdrive - i have 2 appointments this week for BC - i read some of "iwas" thread about her DD - im worried about mine - i had 2 phonecalls from her yesterday - she sounded so unhappy - i just feel so alone

Absolutely NOT another man at this stage. If there are any residual feelings for H, it will just make you feel worse. And if that's not the case, there is still too much baggage, which should all be worked through if you have any hope of having a successful relationship in the future.

Long term, like you, Hobbit, I'm not sure if I can be bothered, really, says the rational side of me. But yes, that's the only reason I leave off my wedding ring, because who knows who you may meet when least expected.......and that's the rational side of me thinking that.

Hobbit, well done for last night, another milestone

Green, PM any of us.

DD can get counselling through the school. Arrange that ASAP if not already done so. She's at that awful age anyway

Green, you are not alone. You feel under siege from him and BC.

Do you have anyone in RL you can speak to right now?

izzie you are making me cry - u care more about me than someone I spent 20 yrs with - he told me he still cared but he doesnt - DD hasnt told anyone - thats not right is it - neither of them have

i have some kids appts that need to be sorted out - previously I would have emailed him - after what he has just done to me again i never want to speak, email, look at him ever again - i tried to have some sort of parenting relationship for the sake of the kids but he has abused me

Green, what has she not told anyone about? The split or BC?

both izzie - ive pmd you

Green , just read PM. I PMd you also, a long one about DD

Green, put aside any feelings about him. Focus on your health. Get help for DD. Email or talk to him about your worries for DD, and ask him to give her support. Don't expect an answer from him. But I suspect that he will think about it and take it on board.

The appt would be enough to cause you to feel as you do. Go easy on yourself xx

thank you izzie - i cant thank you enough - im ok - think i need to do something to distract myself - i guess my emotions are going to get pretty raw over the next couple of weeks