I'm not in a good place at all, in fact I'm not sure when I have felt worse. Things have been building over the last few weeks.
There was an occasion when he changed the address on something, which sent me into panic mode, and I lost a night's sleep because of it. He did it in retaliation of something I did, but it was a sledgehammer cracking a nut. There was something else recent to that that also had exactly the same effect.
Then I saw him last weekend and it screwed me up emotionally.
Then one of the cars has finally to be changed as now uneconomical to do advisory work on it after mot. Long story but both cars been subject to much discussion both pre and post split. Last weekend we talked cars and he wanted to go through finances to work out how changing both cars, how much we should spend on them, would affect financial options post split. Ironically, same time as the buggered car was having mot.
So I've now been told to look for a replacement car. I have been given fuck all info about cost! I have loads of questions about how the car purchase will figure in the settlement, knowing that the other car also needs changing. Pissed off that, bearing in mind I had been pushing for an answe re car for years, I'm now being told to sort out, yet am financially blinded as to how it fits into the new scheme. Pissed off wondering if he will wait till after settlement to get a better car than me, because actually I was only going to have a runner as the next car because I was the wife! Pissed off and wondering whether to claim back my own car, which he drives, and say you go sort it, it's your car that's buggered.....then being stuffed with driving a manual car again, when I now insist on automatic. And actually not knowing which of 3 cars to choose, because I'm not sure what I realistically need, although it know what I want.
Meantime I've been stressing about the financial settlement, juggling the figures, swinging between npbest and worst case scenarios. Facing the probably inevitable sale of our holiday home, which is more of an emotional wrench than the main home. Having flashbacks to all the times there, knowing I will never go back to that area again. Worrying that he may take it in settlement and she and her family will use it. Wondering if I can engineer a sale of it so he can't get it. Thinking that the sale of it will ultimately be a direct loss to the kids ultimate inheritance, because if the mortgage had run to completion we would have a property to show for it, rather than just being used to clear the mortgage on it and the mortgage on the main house. A hugely emotional time re the holiday home.
Been totally unproductive at home, and it's messy again. Making me feel worse.
Then had an issue at work today, and not sure if it will escalate. It's a second job, piss poor money, done at the end of the day of my main job at the same place. The second job is the one that creates all the issues and paperwork, I have had countless issues over the years and no support. I feel I've reached the end of the line with it and seriously want to resign it now. I spend more on smoking than I earn for that job. Going onto e cigs properly, cutting out smoking, resigning that job, would be a net gain......unless of course I cut out the smoking, went onto e cigs and kept the job! But, on the resignation route, I can't see it would affect spousal maintenance, so why not just resign. It's like people on benefits who see no financial advantage to working. I think that job is the same. And as I see it, my life is different now, so my aims and plans for the future are changing.
And I struggled to cope in work today, due to all of the above, so went home mid morning in tears.
Exchanged some texts with him, he initially seemed most concerned, but it's just ticking a box really, probably doesn't want me to resign. Last text he replied to I had said this is all a surreal nightmare and I wasn't going to deal with any of it, cars, settlement etc, so he could do solicitors, whatever, but I wasn't going to deal anyway. I had visions of the bailiffs finally evicting me after forced house sale! Or meeting a sticky end in a car that's potentially dangerous to drive. My texts then got darker, and clearly he was too busy to deal with those. As you do when your ex wife feels there is no point to living anymore......anyway, that would reap life insurance payouts, whoopee!
I've been filling someone in with the marital split story, brief summary start to finish. It should never have happened, and it is a tragic story really.
I have so much grief, stress within me, I'm overwhelmed.
Green, I cried when I saw your message to me, I wish you were here with me now.
I've been reading some of my old posts. I hardly recognise myself at the moment. My head says all this will pass. But right now I don't believe it.
I have posted all this so that one day I can read it back, and realise that' I really did sink that low and it all worked out in the end. I bloody well hope so