Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

IMPORTANT.
PLEASE READ GREENBERET'S POST at 8.41 today

And can we keep this notice fairly visible by copy and pasting it occasionally so it doesn't get lost. Thanks.

Green, honey, he has no grounds for a case of harassment, you just looked on forums that were public, fbook, twitter etc, don't worry he's just acting like a cheap thug. Look after yourself, will pm you, xx

IMPORTANT.
PLEASE READ GREENBERET'S POST at 8.41 today

And can we keep this notice fairly visible by copy and pasting it occasionally so it doesn't get lost. Thanks.

I have just had an email from my solicitor telling me that DH is threatening to report me to the police for harrassment.

I have lost count of how many of in divorce get told off for 'harassment' (I did, so did SHL) it is part of the Cognitive Arseholiant's Script. Firstly, I can threaten, as I have done on here, to beat up Hobbit. Until I do (and I won't!) there is very little Hobbit can do about this unless she 'reasonably' believes that there is a realistic prospect of me beating her up!

Secondly, it is NEVER a good idea to wash your 'dirty laundry' as they say in public, and that includes using Social Media to air your grievances. This is because it winds up the other side, makes them less willing to negotiate and settle.

However, unless there is anything that is especially identifying to him, that may affect his income/business, what 'damage' are you doing to him?

I have always encouraged everyone to go NC as quickly as possible, despite the emotions we are all reacting to (a huge sense of injustice and being wronged) - because angry people do careless things. That's why you can't swear at them, or threaten them etc, because they can try to engage the police. They, however, can't control the police and force you to be charged and arrested. You can vent on here. It is only libellous if you 'out' them.

MN threads can, and have, been used in Courts as they are considered an 'extempore' recording of your thoughts and perceptions at a specific time. and which may change over time. This may be, what your husband is trying to control? It's amazing how some people they can tell you what to think, do and say. And threaten you into submission.

I've learnt to face down a lot of threats in the last 8.5 months. Still surviving! Change your username, and keep posting, perhaps masking a few details e.g. kids ages, gender etc if it helps you get out what's burning you up inside. I've found MN a total tonic in recent months.

Hi All - I am sticking around - you lot have been great - huge thanks for all the support - I have no need to lie or embellish the situation to gain the upper hand - everything I have said on here I stand by - as one of you said this is a form of counselling and if i need to lie or exaggerate to you lot then what is the point - This is me recording my thoughts and feelings based on what I am going through - if people feel the need to exploit my vulnerability that says more about them than about me. KOKOxx

Green please read the PM I'm about to send. Let me know if you want me to do this.xx

I am surely not the only person who finds it utterly vile that some cheating partners can shit on their wives and children from a great height and then claim they are the victims!

Totally vile. Honestly, listening to Mr SW yesterday I was amazed at how bloody awful I am - but I've read so much vitriol from him in recent months, I am less affected by it.

I was asked by SHL to not sound bitter, but just focus on my feelings and the consequences rather than dishing out blame. I did just that.

I guess he hasn't been given that advice....

WWK, surely you must know that it was ALL YOUR FAULT

Green - he can threaten all he likes but how is he going to prove it's you?

As some of you may know...I was with my husband for 23 years (married for 14) with two children. I was seriously ill in May and he left me in August. Originally he promised there was no one else but surprise surprise I find out about OW in September. He turns evil.

I've had police at my door (in front of my children) - he's used them to help him take the family car. He's threatened me with all sorts.

And he's taking to to court over the children sighting the exemption from Mediation as domestic violence from me.

He's proved time and time again how manipulative and controlling he is and he's a police officer!

Then my mum passed away suddenly in December and he's behaviour actually got worse.

But part of me still loves him despite what he's done - but I know he's evil beyond compare. I pray that one day I can switch my feelings off.

Izzie I "know" it's all my fault - I have heard some of his testimony...

He apparently has not been given the advice of not blaming. The reason for this advice means that should you blame, you sound vengeful, which means your decision-making abilities come into question...

Where as 'cool, charming, factual, rational and reasonable' are all good qualities to have when being put on trial. Or so I'm told.

Hello All.

Just dropping by again to say that one of things I wish I had realised in my initial legal rounds (still going through some 4 years later -- not driven by me) is that just because someone demands and or threatens something via a legal letter it doesn't make it 'real' or 'achievable'.

For example I could ask my solicitor to send an email saying I am becoming a green elephant that looks 'official' on letterhead but it doesn't mean that it is going to happen anytime soon.

Act beyond reproach as far as possible but don't be sucked into mind games that are usually about control.

If you are concerned by allegations or content that is made outside of a legal situation (in emails etc) that you may believe are being made to use in a court situation make a note and flag to your lawyer.

In my own situation in the early days, my former husband would respond to an email or a call that had happened in an entirely bizarre quasi legal speak not related to any truth/facts way that was tiresome to have to go back and respond to each time to ensure there was a record of the inaccurate. My belief was he was doing it so he would have 'false' collateral to call on if we entered a court situation. I flagged my concerns to lawyer and each time he send something insane recorded and sent to her and gradually stopped engaging. It still happens from time to time as there are rumbling prospective legal issues (driven by him not me) and it is exhausting so huge sympathies.

Morning All

i have managed some sleep with the help of 2 st - my brain has been in overdrive - a usual pattern and I am feeling like i have been kicked in the stomach again whilst already being on the floor -

PLEASE LADIES & MEN DO NOT STOP POSTING ON HERE BECAUSE OF MY SITUATION.

i will continue to post on here because to me MUMSNET is group therapy - the sharing of problems whatever they are and realising that you are not the only one going through your situation helps with the healing. It lessens the extent of the circumstances and somehow helps you detach and realise that a lot of what you are being subjected to is not personal - that the other parties involved have some serious issues.

There is nothing on here that I would not have said in a "reallife" group therapy situation - they encourage you to express all your feelings and explore where they come from - that is what we are doing with each other. The fact that this is a public site and we know that our threads can be read doesn't stop us baring all- its shows how desperately we are all trying to cope with a horrendous situation - someone said that what we are dealing with is worse than grief of losing a loved one and I totally second that after losing my mum - that was a walk in the park compared to this. The people who are usually reading these threads are those that are seeking support themselves- not people looking for ammunition to be used against you.

It would be a very sad day if people felt they could not come on Mumsnet for support for fear of it being used against them and reported to the police.

The irony of the situation for me is that most of what I have posted on here has been communicated to my DH in one form or another. He is using the number of emails I send him as part of the harrassment - these emails are not only about financials but about the difficulties my DS is going through - i think I have mentioned this - despite everything I am still trying to get DH to realise that his behaviour is destructive to the kids izzie you will get this - so that he can have a better relationship with them. He is their Dad he will always be their dad but whether they will like him or respect him is completely different- I didn't want this for my kids but if there is no acknowledgment of his treatment to me I can't let them believe that this is right. I am then leaving them open to experience the same difficulties in their own lives and to me that would be some form of parental neglect. He says he never reads the emails I send him because there are too many yet reads my posts on here!

I believe my situation is being strongly influenced by the OW - her behaviour destroyed her own family unit and I know that she was involved in writing the letter my DH sent me back in Feb last year telling me the relationship was over - it was such a crock of shit - my words to him - that I knew he hadn't written it and this was before I was even told of the OW - but ladies our gut instincts are so often right - it is the body telling us they sense fear!

I have said it before she is nothing to me and is nothing to my kids and never will be - she is something that my DH needed when he was empty to make him feel better about himself -why he chooses to do things with her that he would have done with me or the family is for her to work out! My counsellor said the picture of my DD on twitter was her "moving in" - absolutely no chance she doesn't know my DD!

Everything I have posted on this thread has also been discussed with my counsellor and quite a lot of it with my GP. As i have always maintained I have nothing to hide, i have no shame or guilt associated with anything I have done or am doing i am doing my best to get myself and my kids through this mess and I will, I will make mistakes but that is part of life and being human but l learn from those mistakes.

What I have come out with again is that TRUTH, HONESTY AND RESPECT are all that matter - with these you are everything - without them NOTHING!

and I will end this rather long post with something I posted on twitter

" if you have to cheat to win you are not the best - you are a cheat"
sally gunnell talking about running and people using drugs to win - but so true in life!

KOKOxx

despite my confident post this morning i am shaking - i cant stop i think my anxiety levels are at an all time high - i was having palpitations yesterday when speaking to my counsellor - i am shortly going to speak to someone else who is helping me - it is slowly sinking in that my op is 2 weeks tomorrow and Im scared - I am ok one minute falling apart the next

and when I last spoke to DH I told him that when he had the decency to talk to me face to face I would discuss my treatment plan with him - as he hasn't he can read about it on here or via the information my solicitor gives him.

Yey Green on the one hand for making a decision for you, that you are happy with and also being willing to assert yourself.

On the other hand, it's so sad that you are having to combat anxiety, although understandable, as well as medical intervention. Dealing with the dummy whammy of divorce and illness is a huge amount for anyone to contend with, so do be kind to yourself - try to even in just a small way of doing something really positive and rewarding for you each day.

You're doing everything right to try and get through this - talking about it, using support networks, getting counselling, learning to assert yourself. I know there will be moments when you scream "I can't do this" but you're just being hard on yourself: you are doing it, the only way you can and the only way you know how.

Green, you are going through so much it's not surprising that your stress levels are so high. It's bad enough coping with the trauma of the marriage breakdown. The thoroughly unpleasant business afterwards is hugely stressful. From my own experience, I have found that an unpleasant email from my ex would get my heart racing and I would start panicking and getting highly stressed. This is from someone who has had no counselling, and doesn't consider she needs any, and who may get angry but very rarely panics. And then, on top of this, you have the health issue and the forthcoming treatment, which has all arisen since he left. Quite frankly, the thought of an op in two weeks would be enough to cause palpitations and intense stress.

A number of women would have seriously fallen apart with that lot to contend with.

Be proud of the fact that you are still standing and that you will not let any of this beat you. And remember, you are a human being with real feelings and emotions, not a machine.

You are perfect just the way you are! We are all proud of you.

My H fucked off with a woman he couldn't wait to get away from 18 months ago. His last affair with her he described as 6 months of pure misery, constant arguments, threats by her to expose the affair if he didn't spend more time with her, and he trusted her so little he refused to give her his mobile number. He has damaged his relationship with one son beyond repair. I've been doing the calculations about exactly how much the kids will lose in lost inheritance, won't post details on here. He is naive and emotionally irrational, and he will have a breakdown when he realises that he has cocked up big time. And he says I should be more positive as this will help our sons. I feel like ramming his head I to a brick wall. Having metaphorically been doing that to myself over recent years

I think I would be perfectly happy for him to read every single thing written on this thread. And, just like his father, he wouldn't believe a word of it. What does anyone else know about anything?? Thank Christ my sons have not inherited that gene!

Green - hugs to you but glad to see you are back and posting. You are going through so much but are doing so well and I just wanted to send hugs your way. Please try not to worry about what you post on here - as others have said it is a threat to make himself feel better. My ex-DP has threatened to report me to the police for stalking on a number of times and seems to be favorite threat at the moment. It is hard to not to let it get to you and upset you but you need to focus on you, your family and your health.

Izzie - my P is now messing around with someone who he laughed about a year ago and slagged off because apparently she fed her kids super noodles for tea every night - according to him. I had a meeting with him on Tuesday about our joint business and I think he is having a mental breakdown. Apparently he is so unwell because of all the stress and is taking so many pills that he rattles. Um....is that due to us arguing or the bottle of vodka that he drinking every other night.....I have to stop myself feeling sorry for him...I need to learn to turn off my emotions as far as he is concerned - he has made his bed and can lie in it.

Hi to everyone, sorry I have been a bit AWOL lately, as you know I have had my cousins here, but have managed to read and keep up with all the posts, you have given amazing support to Green, as she deals with yet another vile trick from her twunt of a husband.
I did email my
own twunt the other day, very polite and official language used, saying that although he had every right to end his relationship with me, he could not abandon his responsibility to his son.
He replied that 'he would have to think long and hard about that'
Really? Think long and hard about providing for your autistic son!
I think I will leave it a while before I reply to that comment, probably have a lie down for a week in a darkened room to control myself.
It doesn't benefit me to crack on quickly with the financial stuff anyway, so I will let him stew for a while in a lovely marinade of guilt and apprehension.
FFS, love and strength to us all, keep fighting Green, don't let the bastard grind you down, love hobbit, xx

Gosh, Hobbit, you've reminded the man he has responsibilities? How unreasonable of you. Surely he's got rights, surely those rights are more important that his responsibilities?

Or is it me?

He can think as long and as hard as he likes. He's still got them responsibilities. Personally, I'd take up the darkened room option for many months before I could think of an acceptable reply to that.

Hi all. Been a few days been at work and keeping busy , looks like you people are having difficult times with ExH/ExP I am sorry to read, cannot wait when its my turn .

Just wanted to say I admire all your fighting spirit ? Despite the s**t thrown you are still being upbeat , guess you have to ?

I am lucky to be able to go away for the weekend to a sister and have some time off from my separation and impending divorce ! Aaah nothing like a short break to prepare for the legal bills & stress I guess.

Still can't offer much , but I am sure one day I can , until then , I will just pop in but I always read anyway .

I hope one day I can offer some advice, it seems this sorry situation arises regularly ...

I also wonder how people sort of coped pre-MN / internet days when they didn't have this kind of excellent support, must have been much tougher I have seen some good advice, including NC , I like it, it works !

Might post over weekend from secret location being spoilt by sister(s) who are going to look after me !

Keep well all, back soon .

Drifting it is nice to get away from the stress of dealing with separation and divorce isn't it? I am sure your sisters will take very good care of you, just a change of scenery will improve how you are feeling I'm sure, try and eat well and get some quality sleep, everything is much harder to cope with when you are exhausted. Have a nice relaxing break, take care, love hobbit,x

Green I am so sorry that you have had an horrendous few days. I hope that you have had a better day today. You are doing so well in dealing with everything especially with your forthcoming operation. Thinking of you.

Hobbit your husband sounds a total "twunt" saying that about your son. With that attitude you are so much better off without him but still difficult to deal with. I hope he accepts his responsibilities without any further agro for you and your sons.

Drifting have a lovely weekend with you sisters and a break from the stress and strain of it all.