Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

Strong I feel so sorry for the kids who reject their dads. I've posted on this thread about my sons 19 and 22. Youngest one has practically rejected his dad. He's going through a mix of emotions. He has no respect for his dad, he thinks he is an idiot because he can't see the blindingly obvious that my son can see, he is angry with him for what he did to me, he feels badly let down and abandoned by his dad, feeling his loyalty was and is to OW rather than his sons. Its the thing I find most upsetting, and always will, what he's done to my sons. A friend of mine who had similar experiences many years ago said that for a long time she wished her husband was dead, because at least they could mourn the loss, instead of what they were facing.

The other thing my friend said, though, is that she explained to her sons that their father was weak. They have accepted that, which has been some closure for them. She knows how to handle things. They still see their father but they are not close to him. They are well adjusted kids aged 14 and 20.

It's been an eye opener finding out just how many older kids reject their dads in these situations. We can support and help them to recover and to become well rounded individuals, and learn some valuable life lessons through the story of the marriage breakdown

Thanks iwas, always good to hear from you. It feels strange that you're supporting me now. You know what I mean. I'm glad you are, though, and it help and means a lot.

Today is now officially yesterday, thank goodness for that!

Izzie yes I agree about the children who reject their dads. My daughter is seeing my husband and although still angry and upset with him she is blaming the OW. It is her way of coping with what her dad has done.

My son sounds much like your youngest. He hates what he has done to me and has no respect for him at all. He will speak to him briefly but he doesn't want to spend anytime with him. The only time he spent any length of time with him recently was when he went over to have a go at him for consistently trying to get hold of me when I told him I didn't want to speak to him. They had quite a good talk and I thought my son had mellowed a little when my husband stopped acting like a prat but it hasn't made any fundamental difference. My son seems to accept now that my husband didn't mean for any of this to happen and that he wasn't intentionally hurting me but says he has still hurt all of us so it doesn't really matter if he meant it or not.

I read something on here the other day about someone who had posted to say that the ex-husband's children still didn't speak to him years later and it upset me. As much as I hate what my husband has done I want the children to have a good relationship with him as he is their dad and he has always been a decent father until all this happened.

Thanks Izzie, yes I know what you mean. The least I can do, thanks for all your support too. It's nice to get reassurance sometimes that what you are thinking and feeling is normal. I've been posting since September, it feels like a lifetime ago.

Not nearly as good as the light and darkness quote from earlier but might be of some help.

"Relationship are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together."

"Some people think that it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go."

"The loss of love is not nearly as painful as our resistance to accepting it is."

Reading your posts about your children's reactions to their fathers behaviour has made me feel a little guilty I must admit. Although in my head I know that they should maintain some kind of relationship with him, in my heart I am glad that they have very minimal contact, and when he texts /calls etc, they either don't reply, or keep it very short.
If he didn't come to the house, (on the pretext of collecting his post) I don't think they would see him at all. My sons are 19 and 23, so I suppose that makes a difference, as they have their own opinions, and can make their decisions. I think it was familyof three, who said that she thought he had 'got away with it', as there had been no repercussions for him, and he was enjoying his new freedom with the ow, and she had been left to deal with aftermath.

I totally agree with that , and if by ignoring their father, he feels some of the pain of our rejection, he feels he has to pay a price, and that is the loss of love and respect from his sons, then I feel some sense of satisfaction and also pride, that they have chosen to support me, and abandon him, to,his 'new' life with her. Am I being unreasonable here? To be happy that they are shunning him?
Obviously, I have not had any contact with him, so don't really know if he cares at all, but knowing the kind of man he is, I suspect he doesn't relish feeling that they hate him for what he's done. Thoughts please.....

Hobbit - I feel exactly the same - my DS (11) still wants regular contact with his dad but my DD (17) only has the bare minimum time for/with him. That is nothing which I have said or done but is due to the fact that he has let her down on at least 4/5 occasions when he was meant to be spending time with DD. I think the final straw for my DD was last summer when she asked him to do something on a Sunday afternoon and he made some excuse. She was walking home with a friend later that afternoon and saw him helping OW lift a fridge into her house because she had just moved. It doesn't matter how much you try to protect your children as when they grow up, they see exactly what he is like. It does sadden me that they don't have the close relationship that they used to have but I never stop him seeing the children. It is his decision to spend every other night drinking with OW so that he is not a fit father for half the week.

On another note, I turned up at 9am for our meeting and he needed to go out so will talk to me later - I am counting to 10 to make sure that I don't lose my temper!

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It was his choice to leave in the way that he did and he has to face the consequences of that. Your children were never going to approve and he will have known that. Yet he did it anyway.

Mine is slightly different because my children are so young and by the time they understand what he did, it will be so far in the past I can't imagine they will care. I guess I don't mean they won't care but they'll be so far removed from the pain and they won't ever remember a time when we were together. Although I doubt they'll be impressed, they won't stop seeing him because of it. I do want them to have a relationship with him (well actually I don't, I want them to have a relationship with the 'old' him) but I'll have to just wait and see what happens. That scenario is dependent on him hanging around / being a good Dad neither of which I think are likely.

I suppose Hobbit if he had been the man you knew then yes you would do everything to encourage the relationship between the children and him. But he's not that man is he. It's like encouraging a relationship with a stranger, that's how I feel about it anyway.

As for 'getting away with it.' This is a thought I always have when I'm at my lowest. When I'm feeling more positive, I know that he hasn't. Perhaps it will just take time for it to become obvious to him. I guess the same applies to all of the men / women who have done this - it will take time. They will never freely admit they have made the biggest mistake of their lives, not yet anyway.

Hope everyone is having better days today.

Thank you for your kind words of support, strong and family, I just wondered if I was being unfair, but actually don't really think I am.
We shall see how he reacts to my plans to turn down his very generous proposal(!), my older son will react very badly if he feels he is shirking his responsibility to my youngest.
I want him to feel the pain I felt, feel the sense of betrayal and loss, but I don't know if he will ever feel that way. Maybe if she dumps him somewhere down the line, he has invested all his priorities in her and that would be a blow to him I know, here's hoping. Love and strength to you all, x

Hi everyone - sleep was zero , very poor, exhausted went to work and left after two hours, GP want to sign you off but no I am going to try & show up everyday .

Been a very wet day today & it doesn't help your mood does it ? I have always been optimistic but the weather and grey can affect even the most positive mood.

Going to keep posting though , I just have to read on & see that there are little bits that do perk me up & make me feel better, particularly the fact that we , the ones left behind, never did anything wrong. Something that I will always hold onto despite it being little consolation at the moment. It is still very early days for me, mind I know that it is also early days for lots of us.

I want to give you all a virtual hug and say I hope we can see this through to the end ? I won't forget the support I have had . Never. Kind words and encouragement.

Drifting, agree totally with your last paragraph. Whether encouraging words, jokes, people posting their own bad things, discussing things in general terms etc, it all helps.

The doctor wanting to sign you off. I'm in two minds about it. Firstly, I liked being off work, if that's the right word, because i had plenty to do at home, so I was able to get on top of my environment, for instance being able to make good progress with the huge decorating project that it seemed I was now going to have to finish on my own. Being on top of my environment is very important to me when other things are not right. On the other hand, I did find it difficult to get back to work,just being in the real world, I suppose. Therefore, although I did have a few days off after returning to work, I would question whether after another fortnight at home, I would have to face that going back to work thing again. Just food for thought for you.

Are your employers able to offer you some sort of staggered return, if that is what you want?

Good for you to try turning up for work every day. Very positive attitude there

Hobbit, your sons. I fully understand how you feel. I feel desperately sad for the son who has a very damaged relationship with his father. But I don't feel sorry for his father that he has a damaged relationship with his son. I feel totally morally justified in actually thinking he has got exactly what he deserves, and that I wish his other son would take the same view. I make no apologies whatsoever for that. And unless you know the whole history of my story, you are in no position to comment. The older one summed up the difference: he takes the view that first and foremost he is his dad, and secondly he is disgusted with his behaviour; whereas for the other son, his disgust with his dad's behaviour is first and foremost, and the fact that he is his dad is second.

I'm glad it's not just me Izzie, I feel a bit vindicated now everyone kind of feels the same way, I thought it was just me being selfish, if I had my way we would never speak to him again, totally cut him out of our lives, erase him from our history, but I know that isn't really possible. The boys will make their own choices , eventually they will have some sort of relationship with him I'm sure, it's just all a bit raw at the moment.
But I hope to never have to speak to him again, when all the hassle of the divorce is over, it can't come soon enough for me, x hobbit.

Izzie employer has been great , so I can go in for a few hours the right attitude is to turn up & at least get up .

I don't want to be off work on my own thinking about the whole sorry tale it is bad enough at work but then at work it is only part of the time.

I just find the no sleep very " tiring " prior to this s##t I was a good six hour sleeper solid if only for six hours . So I need to just get back to some kind of normal sleep pattern and then I am sure I will be fine. Fine nothing else. Fine in fact would be fricking brilliant !

Especially during the night when you lie awake & wonder what they're doing , you do, even though you quickly blot it out. It is hard to take as it is such a short time since "she" left.

Funny small things happen and it is a disaster eg the aerial blew down & I thought what else can happen ? Normally oh well one of those things but now it is a drama because I cannot function correctly. But there are also small improvements too . I have noticed them , but its very early days on the journey.

Need to visit brother now and chat about things so I hope to be back on later to read wise words. :-)

Hobbit, relations with an ex can change, and that would affect the cheated on partner's feelings and hopes concerning relations between the cheating partner and his/her sons/daughters.

Drifting, I hope someone comes along with some wise words. I can't think of any. However, I could suggest that you watch Broadchurch, assuming you live in the UK. And if you didn't watch the first series, get it on box set. I've yet to watch this second series, but. I can't wait! That's going to be my treat for later during the week. Well there are some wise words......you are meant to give yourself little treats

Yes, Izzie, have it recording, just catching up on wellwhoknews progress in her final hearing today, looks like it all went well for her! Next part in march, many good wishes well, thank you for all your advice and kind words to us all on this thread. KOKO on till march now......

I've still not been great today, I was angry this morning though and thinking "stuff him" inbetween the wallowing. Now I'm just upset, a snivelling mess and I feel pathetic.

I bought a new sofa in the sales as he's having our old one. He said he would give me the money for the new sofa. He's done that today by leaving an envelope under our back door with "iwas" on it and written on the bottom front of the envelope "from him." Just the money is inside, no note or anything.

I went to the shop this afternoon, I wasn't even half an hour, but took the car as I needed heavy items. The envelope was under the door when I got back so he'd put it there when he knew I definitely wasn't there.

He knows I don't want to speak to him while he's still at OWs so I didn't expect him to pop over with it. But it's just so impersonal like a business transaction or something. He could have given the envelope to our daughter when he saw her yesterday and said give that to your mum for the sofa. He could have just put a note in with it with a "hope you're okay" or "take care" on it. Even a bloody email saying he'd left the envelope under the door.

He'd said how sorry he was and how much he cares about me and now it just feels like he doesn't anymore. It felt like he waited for me to go out so that there was no chance he might bump into me when he came over because he doesn't even want to talk to me anymore.

I still care so much for him even though it would be so much easier for me if I didn't but he clearly doesn't give a toss about me anymore. He hasn't contacted me since last week in any shape or form. He's replaced me without as much as a backward glance.

I don't know if going no contact when he is in the flat is going to help me or not but it seems like he's gone from wanting contact to positively avoiding it. My daughter said he's intending to move into the flat tomorrow. He hasn't even bothered to let me know himself. He knows how much it's hurting me him living with the OW and he doesn't care enough to let me know that tonight will be his last night at hers.

I know I should be grateful that he's being fair money wise and I'm sorry if it comes over that way when some of you are having such a hard time from your ex in that regard. But, it's not about the money. I want him to act like he cares but it feels like I am nothing to him. After 25 years of marriage it just feels like he's paid a bill. I could have been the plumber or the electrician not his wife.

Hobbit, pass on good wishes to WWK and pleased it went well

Iwas, to add to what I posted on my other thread.....we are all sdifferent. If he had done that to me re the cash, I would have thought bloody cheek and got angry or contemptuous. Which is safe territory for me. I find that if he is kind etc, I get upset later. I sometimes feel like it's going back to teenage years when I feel like that, analysing every text etc. not that there were mobile phones in our teenage years. What a relief for someone like me, who can come up with 20 questions and possible interpretations on receiving a three sentence text!

I changed my next of kin details at work today, really just emergency contacts. It doesn't feel right that he would be contacted if I had something minor happen. I took it to the office. Halfway there it felt like the walk of doom. I think I have an over active imagination!

Shitbag is still working ridiculously long hours, in fact it appears to be particularly bad recently. Yes, work was the first OW in the marriage. I feel very smug. Now that bitch is living the reality. And the difference is that he won't be taking any time out for quality time with her, now that she has been promoted from mistress to housekeeper. Welcome to my old world!

Meantime, chez moi, instead of spending tonight ironing his shirts etc, I've had my dinner cooked by one son, the dishwasher sorted by the other son. And they seem to do the washing when they need to, so I don't really need to worry about that. It's like community living or whatever. Certainly I'm getting more freedom to do what I want, instead of all the routines that went with him living here.

HI LADIES - PLEASE READ

I have just had an email from my solicitor telling me that DH is threatening to report me to the police for harrassment - he has been reading this thread and is using most of what I say in here as his backup - your support has been extremely helpful to me - I wouldnt have got through some of this without you especially this last weekend - Im not quite sure what to do know as I still need your support probably more so but If he is stalking my threads it defeats the object!

I will be back when I have given this some thought X

How is posting on here harassment? What does your solicitor say? It's totally anonymous so it's not as if you have named him is it? Is it just an idle threat, so you back down, feel so sorry for what you are going through Green, if you cannot post then please pm us, at least we can still support you. Love and strength , hobbit x

Izzie - Yes I am in the UK but not a massive TV watcher like the radio on .

Been to see GP & reduced hours, also have requested counselling so I am hoping that will come along and I can get some benefit from that too. I am certain that I will .

Iwas - you have said some things just how I feel too - why they had to do any of this ? Turned life upside down - Messing about - All the hurt & anguish they cause(d) still cause , do I hope it is worth it for them ? Do I heck . Why do I wish them anything ? I want to erase them from my thoughts completely so I can move forward and not be held back .

Incidentally I slept better suspect it was no sleep the previous night , a good chat with brother & late night so thinks maybe late nights now rather wake up having slept than awake all night , always been an early riser but fatigued .

One more point that has come up recently too . My supervisor who has again been supportive has a relative - STBXH walked Sep 2013 ! Guess what was waiting in the wings ? OW ! What is wrong with these people ? The person left behind took about 12 months to actually feel better, I am weeks on so I need to remember its a marathon journey not a 100 metres final.

Thats all I have to offer everyone I hope it helps in some way ? Oooh going away at the weekend to a sisters for relaxation so may not post but you know I prob take PC with me & just to read MN . It will help I am sure.

Hobbit it's called wasting police time. And lining the pockets of the legal profession