Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

crying again - just been looking up the process for issuing court proceedings and realise I have to make a decision - do I go with the barrister mediation which is still giving him a chance to be reasonable or go with the court process. MY heart is saying give him another chance - my head is saying it wont make any difference - i guess its another obstacle and adjusting to the fact that the only way he is going to be fair is with someone pointing a gun at his head - now I know why my Dad is saying tell the solicitor to fire the gun! Im scared too - im scared someone else may make the decision the house has to be sold because that is what he will push for, yes even now, and Im scared that there may be no money even though his actions indicate the complete opposite - WWK you will know this - do you really loose the control once you go down the court route - i have read that even if this is the route you chose they give you plenty of opportunity to try & resolve before the judge makes the final decision - and then there is the cost - i have no idea how much - best do some more reading

Green, it's pathetic, isn't it? His choice of venue shows how unoriginal he is. It seems they are all the same, one big sad cliche. They don't have the balls to deal with whatever issue it was that caused them to shag someone else in the first place, they compound it by moving in with them in no time, and then having pissed all over the wife and kids, they then decide, arse over tit, to enter into the courtship phase with the OW, splashing out out all those romantic gestures like meals and holidays etc. At their age! I bet hotel workers etc spot these sad fuckers a mile off.

Mid life crisis men, all sadly trying to recapture their youth in some way. Then when they get some dose of reality, when they work out that Romeo and Juliet were less star crossed lovers and more a couple of twats who didn't even know each other.......and they remember, oh shit, I've cocked up here, I have a wife and family. No mate, you HAD a wife and family you sold down the river to live your unsustainable fantasy. And they wonder boo hoo, what's got into to the wife that she's telling him to fuck off and never darken her doorstep again. After all those years! How unfair is that!

So, any mid life crisis men reading this. Remember: having sexual intercourse with another woman is not and never will be a way to improve your marriage, in fact quite the opposite; and shafting your wife and kids is precisely why your wife won't take you back, your adult kids think you are a pile of shit, and your young kids will when they grow up. Growing up, exactly what you should have done in the first place. When your OW has long ago fucked off and you're desperately trying to get some meaning in your sad fucked up lonely life, just remember that whatever damage you did to your wife and your kids is nothing compared to the damage that YOU have inflicted on yourself.

Green, financial decision, I'm so sorry.

Take plenty of advice before deciding. Easy for me to say when I'm not at that place, but it's true. Head always over heart. Gut instinct over wanting it all over ASAP.

Wishing you every strength. We all do. Xx

Green, sorry my long post after yours, cross posting, not ignoring the bigger issue

izzie thanks so so true - i did wonder what was going through the receptionists head when I phoned this morning - quite surprised he put me through to be honest! & yes perhaps if they had done some of that stuff with the wife they may have realised they had what they wanted all along - didn't need to mess up everyone else's life - just needed to sort their own out!

I think we should start a rollcall of all those on MN who have gone through this & come out the other side just to see how much this really does go on and how many go on to be happy!

hope you have a good day todayxx

Green, why not start a thread for it. It strikes me there are loads here on MN who survive and thrive.

Just a quick post from me, will catch up properly later.

I would love to hear positive stories about people that have 'survived and thrived.' downunderdolly thank you for yours yesterday.

Is it bad to want to know what happens to the ex's? At the moment it feels like he's got away with it.

jess and strong - brilliant posts, thank you.

izzie - your words are so true!! Our DD (17) spends as little time with him as possible and they used to be really close. It does make me feel sad sometimes but I have to remember that it is his choice when he puts OW over his own children.

Green - I don't have any experience as I've not been to see a solicitor yet but if you don't believe that he will play fair, then I would say court process.

I think I had a minor victory last night - I knew he was around her house and he sent me a text asking if we could talk on Monday to try and sort some things out (we run a business together and it is becoming extremely difficult to run it on a day to day basis with everything else going on). I felt like texting is this your suggestion or OW but just replied with a simple OK. So we will have more fun and games tomorrow - does anyone have any words of advice as I feel like either bursting in tears or screaming at him.

Strong, well done on the one word text, if I have to contact him at all now, or he contacts me, I keep it as short and curt as possible, just one word if that is all it demands.
My friend who is a sol says to keep all communication very businesslike and unemotional as possible, so no screaming matches! But you and I and all of us know that is easier said than done isn't it?
Try to focus on the details of your business tomorrow, wishing you well, if I had to meet with him for a discussion I know I would nt be able to sleep tonight with the anxiety of seeing him.
I would write down all the points I wanted to say in a book, at least then they will be out of your head, and you may be able to think clearer, and get your point of view over.
It will not help to go all 'screaming banshee ' on him, although I know the temptation will be overwhelming. Xx love hobbit

Thanks hobbit - wise words as usual xx

I think I struggle to see how the business and personal aspect can be kept apart - for example I can't get hold of him on a Friday afternoon and I suspect it is because he is with OW but I struggle to say that he should be contactable during office hours without it seeming that I am having a go at him. I don't know maybe things have gone too far for us to ever make the business work!

www.raisingpeanut.com/p/mid-life-crisis.html

This blog is useful

Green Re the court route, I always recommend a book called Family Law Made Simple which explains all the different ways of getting divorced and what 'may' happen in your case. There's very few 'hard and fast rules' in divorce...so losing your home may or may not happen, it just depends on what you negotiate/can be reasonably afforded etc.

Some things that I learnt that may be relevant to you:

• Mediation (called MIAMS in legal jingo) is compulsory for divorcing couples if they cannot agree amongst themselves/their legal reps, or you are recovering from domestic violence. There are a few other exceptions (it's worth reading the small print - thanks SHL!). Mediation CAN and DOES work for some people but it's a complete waste of time and money if you're dealing with someone who will not negotiate.

• Control = the 'worst case scenario' is that you go all the way to a Final Hearing (I think something like less than 2% of divorces have this misfortune). This means both you and he are 'on trial', it is shockingly intrusive and stressful, however, unavoidable if 'all else fails': all else 'failing' is when all other efforts (e.g. MIAMS/Solicitors/FDA/FDR prove unsuccessful). This is when you lose all control as it all comes down to what a judge thinks is fair (and therefore you and your twat most definitely won't!).

However, the onus on divorcing (and warring couples), hilariously, is to negotiate an agreement out of court. You can do with this with the support of solicitors (v. expensive) and with the support of barristers (v.v.v.v expensive) if you do go via the courts. But you can also do it yourself (Wikivorce can be helpful). So, my best advice is if your negotiations are running aground, 1) get mediation attempted, 2) apply for a 'timetable' from the court - this essentially schedules your first First Appointment with the court, and a judge will start 'advising' you and he what to do in order to get your finances settled, e.g. issue court orders to compel someone to do something/refrain from doing something. He will also then book your FDR (Second appointment). Again, a judge will give 'directions' on what he thinks is a 'fair settlement' but it is for you to agree/argue over. If, after FDR, you still can't agree you will apply for a Final Hearing. And that is when you lose control.

Also consider a 'alternative' divorce, which is a 'round table meeting' where you thrash out an agreement with your solicitors being present/representing you. Can be cheaper, but still expensive.

Cost for a typical divorce - 5 - 10K. Cost to Final Hearing, depends on the complexity of your case, but budget 30K+. With the very wealthy they spend hundreds of thousands, so it must be proportionate to your marital pot... Litigant in person - costs are a few hundred (court fees). HTH

Hello everyone been a hectic day yesterday , managed to do some tasks without forgetting what I was doing. I feel that when I post on here it seems to be about me & I am not offering any advice because at the moment I am sorry I don't see what advice I can give or post that will help anyone ?

I am lucky as I have a large family of siblings all older than me. Good friends. I want to be able to give a magic "cure" to everyone on here to say look it gets better, last night a friend in the pub said that he can see I have not even hit the wall yet, he was left 15 years ago by his partner.

I get concerned posting that ExW may read & recognise what is being said so I don't like to say too much about situation to avoid further problems down the line.

Even though I was left she seems to retain the power ?

Izzie - senior manager is female ExH walked on her sorry if I wasn't clear but again when I am posting I am in a daze so that is why I never made it clear.

Have some tasks to do today , but I really do find MN so much help, I am trying to reduce my RL contact as I want to introduce some reailty into my life & move it forward , even that just means buying new linen , a friend suggested I do that ?

From the initial bombshell it is less than two months after 20 years together & really, I am probably not even at rock bottom ? I don't know, I think WWK said she was still heading down then .

I apologise for not being more upfront but I will be when things are much clearer in the future & I can be more honest but for now I have to be strong & keep my guard up if you can sort of understand me ?

Looking forward to keeping in contact all .

New sheets, definitely. Paint your house (if you can) too or re-arrange the furniture. I don't know why, but these things actually do help you feel a little more in control. It's an act of defiance and a way of taking 'ownership' of your surroundings if that makes sense.

Don't worry about giving advice - I think that comes after when you're on your way back up, or you've found something that 'works' for you and you can pass it on.

Yes, I think I hit my 'nadir' in August 3/3.5 months after he left (it was a panic attack on the motorway that was the final straw for me that I realised I was either going to kill myself or kill someone else). I was positively dangerous and out of control. It was probably a couple of months after that, that I started coming back up again. To be honest, I have whole weeks of my life in 2014 that I have absolutely no recollection of had I not kept a thread on here about it, I would be clueless.

Drifting, you don't have to post words of encouragement etc. Posting what you are feeling, however negative it seems, is helpful to others going through it because they see it as natural. Also, it makes them feel they are not the only ones going through it.

I've had a good day with my extended family, very happy day but I feel like I'm emotionally back to square one. I was enjoying myself but heart aching, if you know what I mean. This is a dramatic slide backwards for me. I can partly understand why, although maybe it's just part of the process, which is vecoming my bleedin catchphrase! The comment you made about your friend saying he could see you hadn't hit the wall yet worried me. I thought you had! Which also means that I definitely haven't either. Oh great!

My head is all over the place concerning him. Yesterday there was some indications from me that I wasn't in any rush for a settlement and I was almost slowing it down. Then today I've texted practically demanding our holiday home goes on the market immediately and saying I won't negotiate anything until we have sale proceeds from that. Texts to him have ranged from very friendly to saying he's a conniving lying cunt who has put her before his own sons. Thoughts on settlement have ranged from wanting to stay I the marital home and offering him retaining a financial interest, with all the cooperation that entails if he suddenly finds himself homeless, to deciding that I will move downmarket, get a clean break settlement, then breaking every means of contact by changing my mobile number, deleting email accounts etc. I'm nice to him then I go all out to alienate him. I'm not going to analyse further, I just accept that the full range of emotions are here at the moment, and that eventually I will get over it all. Whatever that means. As Price Charles once said

Is natural, not as natural

Hi Drifting, it doesn't matter if you don't have any advice or tips or strategies on coping, all that matters is that you feel supported and listened to, if you don't feel able to give out much detail that is also fine.
Some of us find it helps to share every action or story of our betrayal, some prefer their privacy, everyone may have a different tale to tell, but we all have the same horrible feelings of pain and despair when dealing with the actions of someone we thought would never hurt us in this way.
We do not deserve what has happened to us, we cannot be blamed for the actions of others, we did nothing wrong, wrong was done to us.
Just keep posting, sharing your thoughts, good or bad, there is no master plan for getting through this, love hobbit, x

I take comfort from the fact that iwas is having a backwards day too

Izzie - I am also have a jekyll and hyde texting day - you are not alone. Apparently he wants to meet me tomorrow at 9 to sort it out once and for all! Will wait to see what lies he comes out with tomorrow.

What really got me today was he said he would take DS and our dog for a walk at 12.00 but when he turned up we couldn't find the lead so he just decided to take DS out. They were back 36mins later as they couldn't decide where to go!! I was furious and sent a few well worded texts! I some how need to control my emotions tomorrow.

Yesterday, I was having a few glasses ( ahem bottles) of prosecco , with my bestie who is a shit hot family law solicitor, and I was explaining that I was thinking of going to mediation as the proposal fuckface had put forward contained no provision of care for my youngest son who has Aspergers .
She gave me a pitying look and said, Hobbit, ( well my name actually, that is not my real name, gasp!)
' Do you really think after all the lies and prevarication and betrayal of the past six months he is actually going to be a fair and decent human being and give you a settlement that is equal to your needs without a battle ?'
Cue Hobbit, looking gobsmacked, ( very technical term), ' I thought he wouldn't put us through a court battle'
' Well think again, love, he is not the man you married, he will not be fair and equitable, he will try and get out of paying for his responsibilities if he can, so buckle up, cause it's going to be a bumpy ride'
I think I needed to be told this plainly because I really didn't think he would make us fight for maintenance, just goes to show I'm still not seeing things as clearly as I should, and I've got all kinds of shit ahead.

D

Strong, very difficult to separate business from emotion. I find I can be businesslike and cooperative financially, esp as I tend to use a separate email for those things. I always imagine one being shown to a solicitor, that helps! Although it's easier for me because we are financially friendly ie still running joint account as before, no separate accounts, I still use his credit card. As far as the personal stuff is concerned, yes I do my best to deal as I should in these circumstances, but as far as I'm concerned, if he can't reconcile to the fact that sorting finances is one thing, but unravelling all the personal shit is something entirely different, then tough tits.

Hobbit, yes a shock. As I said to Shitbag yesterday, when ironing out financial tensions, yes I trust him financially, but then so did all the other women who were shafted by their cheating exes, so I will protect myself. And also mentioned that, the same as all these other women, I too never expected him to cheat. Basically I was very politely telling him that he was a cliche. Unlike later where basically I was telling him not so politely that he was a fucking conniving bastard.

Well I've put a financial suggestion to him since being on here tonight. Just looking for an indication of whether he would consider or not. Knowing how he takes so bloody long to consider each little detail, I will report back on his reply in a few months.....

Hobbit that is gutting to read, let alone hear. SHB, whom I met for the first time at the end of July for the SM, she made a comment as I was preparing to leave about representing me at the final hearing. I was just stunned because SHL had already assured me that it hardly ever gets to one. I guess they just know...

However, after 27 years you have an excellent case for SM. And you are going to be one helluva fighter...

I'm felt really down today. Sad, tearful and full of regret. I can't even feel angry today. I saw OW this morning, I was driving back from dropping my daughter round her friends for a couple of hours and she was walking down our road. She kept her head down until I was right by her and then just glanced at me briefly. I just glared at her but I couldn't even get riled then. Least I didn't get a bloody wave this time.

My son has gone back to University and I'm really missing not having him here.

I'd been doing really well the last few days partly because I'd been really angry but I just don't feel like that today. I just feel sad. I am never going to have what was my family together anymore. I still don't understand how I didn't realise what my husband was like. I don't want to hate my husband.

Our tenant is moving out tomorrow so my husband should be in the flat in a day or two. She told me earlier and I thought I would be really pleased but it's not really going to make any difference really is it. He's still going to be seeing OW.

My husband has offered to pay for the decorating, even yellow. I just don't understand why he had to do all of this. All the cheating and lying. He has turned my life and that of our children upside down just for a bit of "messing about". Does he really think all of this hurt and anguish was worth it.

Thanks for posting all , a real struggle today, finding it very hard to relax . Have taken a Piriton to see if it might help sleep . Fingers crossed.

I sometimes cannot see beyond the gloom ? I feel like it will never end and I will never get over it , no more tears really so I am guessing that in itself is most definitely progress ?

Well some tears from time to time but certainly not every day anyway . As long as I can get some sleep then I can probably get through another day ?

It is hard though & I just thought it would be a few weeks and I would improve but no it is a long road. To see you people putting comments made me feel part again of life ?

Hopefully post tomorrow !

Downunderdolly thank you for your inspiring post. I am so sorry for what you went through and am so pleased you have come a long way since then. Love your light and darkness quote. Thank you. x

Izzie sorry you have had a rough few days. I agree that it's easier sometimes when they are a bastard than being nice although it's not ideal. Pleased you had a good time with your family though. I hope you get your financial settlement sorted out soon.

Green sorry you were upset earlier hope you've had a better rest of the day.

Strong you are certainly not alone in feeling like having a screaming match with ex and OW. I hope your meeting goes well.

Jess thanks for the link, hope you are doing okay.

Hobbit I hope your husband does the decent thing regarding provision of care for your son. It is hard to think that they can be shitty about absolutely everything.

WWK very good advice about decorating, painting, changing the furniture. I've found it quite therapeutic most of the week.

Drifting sorry you've had a hard day as well. Hope you get a good sleep and have a better day tomorrow.