Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

thanks hobbit I know you are right - i think its all the fallout from xmas coupled with what I am going through and yes getting my head round the fact that absolutely nothing is going to make him behave any differently. More normal routine resumes next week which will help - poor kids - they deserve so much better - he carries on with them as normal though - thats what is so confusing for them- they cant work out what is going on- there is no way I will let them think this is normal behaviour though - I would be failing as a parent if I did.

Shit Saturday all round. He came round as I wanted to have a chat about tensions re dealing with finances. He was very helpful, offered to do some things too. The chat about financial issues was very friendly, good understanding on both sides. In fact if it had ended there it would have been great. So then I touched on how quickly he wanted to sort the financial settlement, knowing that it was my request to get one. So that was ok until we touched on the bitch. It was very general but cue tension on my part, then a comment about her meal ticket. Restrained somewhat, but there was no coming back from that. Cue him cutting it short, wanting to go. I had collected some stuff of his generally when moving things around in the house, which I had left for collection. It was by the front door. Over the 3 1/2 hours he was here I was thinking I could just store the stuff in the loft, because it was nothing he needed. Anyway, i just put all the bags outside the door, he stepped out, and I just slammed the door shut. So now I've done the typical scenario of putting his stuff out.

Despite everything, I still love him. I deny it to myself, but then it comes back to bite me. I just have to accept that I have to go through more tears and heartbreak. There is nothing else for it. I will pick myself up and remember all the shit, of course, but I just have to accept that I will have plenty more of these episodes.

Every time he is nice, helpful etc, this happens. Oh just be a bastard, you shitbag, it's easier for me!!

I don't see much of him, and that works best for me....obviously! And I've thought about absolutely no contact permanently once financial matters are settled. We could be amicable, we do get on. But if I haven't totally moved on emotionally, that's it, he's out of my life.

So, Izzie is coping well day to day, but her guilty secret has outed again

izzie you know what you are not alone on that - right now I cant stand the thought of my FC but every now & then I have that thought too - that despite everything I still love him - when i found out about my current situation I thought it may change everything but it wont - i dont know how anyone can just switch off feelings after such a long time in a marriage - i went through a phase myself questioning how i felt about him 7 years ago & to be honest if someone else had come along I dont know what I would have done - but I realised it was not about how I felt about him but how I felt about myself - thats why I tried so hard to make this work and gave him so many chances - so I understand & i think thats why this is all so hard.

Green, it seems we share a lot of the same experiences.

I don't think you still love him Izzie, you love the man he was, the man you married , the man you had children with. This man is not those things, he has broken your trust, your self esteem and sense of stability and security for the future. Of course you still have feelings for him,you have been together a long time, and you can't just turn off a switch overnight, I still have feelings for my husband, still think'he would like that book' when out shopping, or he would like that TV programme, and there he is shacked up with another woman 300 yards away, we are only human to feel this way, it is them that have turned into a complete and utter stranger to us. We do not recognise the person they are now, and the behaviour they exhibit. Be strong, love, slightly pissed, hobbit. X

Hi Green and Izzie,

I've been reading this post for a few days now and just wanted to say how strong you both are. I am in a similar situation and am having to stop myself from going around the OW house tonight to have a screaming match with them both! I wouldn't do it but it makes me feel so much better knowing that I am not the only one who feels like this. I wish I didn't feel like this but it just hurts so much all the time.

Izzie, I think the love for them is sort of frozen in time.

Obviously there's some sort of dual person in our heads and one is the person we loved and thought the world of and the other is this complete bastards who's destroyed out lives.

I've had breakups before, ends to long term relationships and there's a few key differences.

One was that I knew it was coming.

The other is that I had explanations in my mind for how we'd gone wrong.

Another is that they remained much the same person before and after breakup and in almost every case we remained, or grew into, friends or at least people with fond feelings.

I think my head has never quite knows what to make of this.

If we met them now, knowing the things they'd do to us, we'd not even like them much less love them but then we did spend so long not thinking they'd ever do thing like this so it take such a long time to really grasp it.

For the 5 years we were together he was never even slightly inconsiderate to me. He was just lovely to me, and I knew him as a mate for 13 years before that and never saw him treat any previous LTRs in the same way as he treated me.

It's a bit of a headfuck really, and headfucks of that scale are just so hard to adapt to.

The part of you which loves that person is loyal so it keeps on thinking "this isn't him" and it's so hard to shake it.

I think the love either stays with you forever as a memory of someone, or else they beat it down so much with the cruelty that the bad eventually outweighs the good and there's no positive emotion left towards someone who'd hurt you so much.

After 18 months, considering the atrocious things he's said and done to me, I do genuinely still love him. I think I probably always will because he is frozen in my memory as someone I knew and trusted for 18 years that morphed overnight into the biggest bastard the brain could conceive of.

Hello Strong, welcome to our (not so merry) band, when my husband first told me he was leaving me for the ow, after a sleepless night driving around in my car, I went and parked outside her house in the village, fully intending to,
A) have a full on all out screaming match with her,
B) knocking her out for betraying my friendship with her
C) putting a brick through her window
In the end I did not do any of these things because,
A) I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of feeling superior to me
B) I might have been charged with assault ( not good)
C ) I couldn't remember which house it was!

So in the end , I kept my dignity and she kept her double glazing intact.
I will be the winner in the end though. KOKO, love hobbit, x

Thanks for your kind words hobbit xx I am in bed on the laptop so didn't go round there but it does seem so tempting sometimes. I know you are in a similar situation but it is so hard when they live 1min down the road and every time I go to the shop, seeing his car parked outside her house.

I can't believe how similar our stories our - we weren't married but were together 24 yrs with DCs. She was also a friend (not a close one) but someone who we would go out with occasionally. The biggest problem I have is that he still denies anything is going on and just insists that they are good friends. This has been going on since last April when I asked him to move out. i just don't understand why he can't just tell me the truth! It just seems that there is no end to it all...

Unfortunately there are very many similar stories to ours, on this thread and on threads past and threads yet to come. It is particularly cruel when the hurt is so close to home as in our case, and the ow is someone you thought you could trust.
He does not want to admit to you that she is more than just a friend because that would mean acknowledging to himself how appalling his behaviour has been and how deceitful and emotionally abusive they have shown themselves to be.
Truth doesn't really matter to them, they have been lying for so long to other people and even to themselves to justify their actions. Please take care of yourself and your children, it does get better in time, it is just so hard waiting for that time to come. Love hobbit x

Hobbit, Jess , thank you, I need to hear all of this.

Strong, thank you! I envisage a damn sight more than a screaming match with that bitch! One day I will post about her. The people in RL who have followed my story as it unfolded all agree that she is one very clever, very manipulative, mentally unstable vile bitch, who is everything most women despise in a woman. She ripped this family apart. Not by taking hiim, winning him, seducing him. But by ripping it apart first. Then scooped up what was left like a crow feeding off roadkill. I'm not commenting on him, but that doesn't mean I don't blame him too. I will hate her till my dying day. Me and my 19 year old son will never have anything to do with her. I know my son will stick to that. My other son 22, would be civil to her if he had to, but would make it clear that it was nothing more than that. My 19 year old's relationship with his dad is damaged beyond repair. Our family of three will always exclude her. She will not attend either son's weddings in the future, will never be invited to any family gathering. My sons future partners and their families will ask why she is known of but never seen. And they will be told exactly why. Her daughters will never meet my sons. She will be paying the price for a long time. And so, by association, will he. And I hope it destroys their relationship. If it even last six months. Which is what I, and the RL followers believe. If I thought I could kill her and guarantee I would never get caught, I would do so, very slowly.

Hobbit, couldn't remember what house, hahaha, you are priceless

Hobbit, in view of the content of my previous post, I don't think I would qualify as a nun.....

Wouldn't like to be a nun Izzie , the wimple would be very unflattering to my hobbity face :) , although I'll probably be living like one in the near future.
Chin up babes, x

Ps. I mean about no sex, not any of that praying malarkey.

It came out that the bitch's divorce settlement is all done and dusted after a very long time. And it suddenly dawned on me hours later that that bastard may have hung on for that so that her shacking up with someone wasn't a factor for a reduced settlement. Oh I have sent him a text accusing him of that, saying that he put all of us through that just to help her finances, that he could have had the decency to move out whilst waiting, and that he clearly has no loyalty to any member of his family. That will go down a treat. I am digging a bigger and bigger hole here. I've sent a few other texts, not worth mentioning here. But the good news is that I'm back to default mode with my feelings. And if what I suspected is true, then I have the satisfaction of pointing out that I worked it out. I've also said there is to be no more face to face contact and I will be clearing his stuff for collection. Yes, all the shitty bits of stuff that take ages to sort out, all the papers that he will have nowhere to store. Basically his life in a bin bag. Preferably all in one hit, just to make it more difficult.

Sex, you and me both. And that's not an invitation!!

Actually Driftings senior manager went through his wife leaving him. And IF I was going to be interested in a man again, I want someone who has been through the same as us. Figuring it may make him more trustworthy. And a senior manager, well I may make some enquiries as to what sort of senior manager......

I can live without sex, yes Shitbag stayed faithful in one respect, clearly not to me. But there's endless fun to be had with some bendy plastic......I'm talking about credit cards!!

I couldn't remember which house it was!

Lordy, Hobbit that has made me chortle!

When it transpires a 'spouse' is no longer for life, a criminal record may well be...that's my observation but boy have I written a full series of Criminal Minds in my head!

However, you can't predict what the other person might say/do, so whatever you imagine yourself saying/doing, you might find the response throws you and it makes you feel worse not better.

Also, if you know anything about 'building strong teams' one common feature is to make the team believe there is 'a common enemy', which is you the spouse! That's why affairs can be so intense. If you seemingly 'melt away' then it can actually weaken the sense that the 'team' is under siege and must fight.

Interesting bit of psychology there...

What I'm working on at the moment consciously, is to stop saying 'we' and start saying 'I'. For example: We I went to American a few years ago.

He has been erased from my narrative past. Does that make sense? It's like he never existed at all. I have done many things in my life - some utterly amazing things. He fucked off, he fucked off from everything else too. I am reclaiming my life, past, present and future. And I think it's really helping me stop feeling 'abandoned' and feeling more 'free'.

Also, if you know anything about 'building strong teams' one common feature is to make the team believe there is 'a common enemy', which is you the spouse! That's why affairs can be so intense. If you seemingly 'melt away' then it can actually weaken the sense that the 'team' is under siege and must fight. *

Yes, that is so true. They need the common enemy to sustain it. Take away the oxygen and it fizzles. Oh yes I know all about that. And it's so true in Shitbag's case. Well he should be having an ace time tonight! Try as I might, I just can't help myself. Best I put phone and ipad under lock and key really.

I do firmly believe in the power of NC. Nothing but nothing is going to quickly kill the sheer agony of being left, but 'internet stalking', 'emailing', texting etc, all keeps you prioritising him and centering on his behaviour I think it prevents you looking at what you need/want to do to help yourself, in my opinion.

I had to Internet Stalk STBXH a few months ago after he made some odd claims in one of his documents. Found a picture and was surprised at how fugly he was!

NC - definitely re-orders your headspace.

And, naturally, I don't blame you - you're reacting emotionally to a very distressing event. But it does take real discipline. E.g. you don't go from 'couch to 5K' in a day either! But keep at it and you'll get there...

There's no doubt you've been treated dreadfully, so do please start being kind to yourself. And, er....when you mentioned 'bendy plastic', I wasn't expecting you to define it as a 'credit card'...I think I have a rather skewed mind.

I think we were separated at birth, WWK, give or take a few years, I thought Izzie had gone all ' Fifty Shades' on us as well, but maybe that is just our filthy minds, actually definitely make that our filthy minds!
But probably would get more fun out of the credit cards anyway, love, very un-nun like hobbit x

Well, you could use a credit card to buy some bendy plastic. It's just that if you get a timetabled divorce, it gives STBXH the right to read and review all my accounts. Amongst the hilarity of Friday's correspondence and the decree that I should 'explain myself' over 150 transactions in my bank accounts, is a certain £4.99 expenditure on Amazon.

That fecking VooDoo doll is still pissed off I take it.

The, err, fabulous lunch I had in London with friends didn't get queried at all. Nor did the hotel stays when I went job hunting. Nor my fabulous 'afternoon tea' in London when famous train service did its thing. Nope, that is apparently acceptable.

You know you're married to a fuckwit when they overlook examples of 'frippery' but get all "outraged from Tunbridge Wells" for £4.99 on Amazon. Can't bear not knowing how I've spent his money...

Well, he also didn't pick up the small amounts that I transferred to other accounts to make purchases of a 'personal' nature...

But £4.99 on Amazon FFS!

Hobbit, WWK you know the joke, what's that useless flappy bit of skin at the end of a p*s?
Answer is, a man!

Which is enough to kill my libido stone dead!

Fucking hell I've been all over the place tonight. Swinging between tears and anger and contempt. Contempt is good, it's a switched off sort of feeling, like they're not worth bothering about. Just sort of accepting that it's all part of the process, and that I will get over it.

WWK thank you for your encouragement re non contact. I'm adapting it to suit the situation, ie friendly re finances. The office hours thing I'm employing Carol from Little Britain, "computer says no".

Catch you another time

putting 2 & 2 together I worked out where he was - he had an early morning wake up call at 6 - needed confirmation so sol can see im not dolally as i think she thinks I am. so no money - bullshit! what is even funnier is its somewhere he knows I wanted to go - this is the 2nd time this has happened- poor girl he cant even take her somewhere thats original - the stakes keep going up! izzie i know this will not end until the finances are sorted because at the moment he has me over a barrell - once I am free of him Im sure i will be moving on at full speed & those feelings will be akin to the love i still have for my mum - who died 6 years ago- still love her and miss her but the pain has gone and the feelings are not all consuming as they once were. think I will have a better day today - hope you all do too!

just read thread- laughing again ladies - seems I havent quite mastered the NC thing either but in my head this is the reversal of the lies & deceipt he did before I knew about the affair - he never knows when & where I will turn up! im working on the fact that his NC is to avoid having to deal with the guilt so the more he gets from me the more it needles him - it will be working away somewhere inside if not visible on the outside - thats what our brains do! as for fuelling - i have read from good old lundy about them needing allies - but I was the enemy in his head long before this started thats why he chose not to talk about anything & it came out the blue - because if I wasn't the enemy then there is something wrong with him and that could never be the case! My NC will come once I have my share and the way things are going that could well include the kids too. for the moment I will do what I have to and as long as i dont stop lauging completely will just about drag myself through this!

strong & jess- thanks for your words - we can all be the strength for each other - this is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and i have had some challenges - Im into inspirational quotes at the mo and this struck a chord with me

" if you saw the size of the blessing coming,you would understand the magnitude of the battle you are fighting"

I'm waiting for that damn blessing!

KOKOxx