Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

I've asked for my very late post to be deleted

Izzie I am so sorry you had such a bad night. Can you ring work and get today off?

I know I have no place to tell you what to do, especially as you all give out such good advice, but it is not doing you any good engaging with him or her. They will never tell you what you want to hear and each time you engage, you will have to deal with disappointment and frustration and anger. And there is the potential of saying things you regret which you can't take back.

I sent a couple of emails in the beginning at how disgusted I was by them both. I also tried to get the finances resolved but he just would not cooperate. It drove me mad because I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just talk to me about it and why he wouldn't be reasonable. They are no longer reasonable men. Whether it's guilt, denial, infatuation with this new life they have I don't know but there is little point trying to make them see sense.

This is why I have gone NC and although it's hard because you want to tell them what you think of them, it is taking back control and it is better for your emotional well being.

I hope you are ok (as ok as you can possibly be).

Izzie 1 son 24 . The whole situation happened very quickly like 7/8 weeks back & now leaves me on my own , son lives in own place.

Didn't sleep last night at all , brother texted me at 1am and woke me up cue sleepless night last half day came home and put fire on .

I think I need to remind myself that when tired from no sleep it all seems much much worse , seems like I will never move forward.

I hate that no sleeping as you just let the thoughts go around & around .... & know that you will then wake up very groggy and feel s**t all day .

Drifting, I have two sons, 19 and 22. At home with me though.

Yes, lack of sleep is very draining, and thinking isn't straight. It's another thing that makes you feel detached from the normal world.

How has your son taken it? I've only known of one son, although teenage, whose mum left. From what I gathered, she had OM. I'm not at liberty to speak to him, but he sent some rather anguished tweets about his mum being a slag. I imagine it may be harder for them when mum is the bolter, as the royals would say.

Well, I said it was very much an up and down ride what we are going through. I hope it's of some comfort to you ( if you know what I mean!) that I've had a very down day, and I feel a bit useless. I Can't settle to anything, can't switch off, confidence draining, and getting irritated that I'm wasting precious time at home on this. But, I hope you have seen that I'm generally quite up and positive about my situation. I'm likely to be a lot better tomorrow, I know my bad day is partly because I'm dog tired. The rest I will post sometime. Nothing too drastic, but sometimes I just need to escape from things when I feel it's dominated for too long.

I think I may go and have a soak in the bath, then get into my lovely warm dressing gown etc. I'm tempted, though, to skip the bath because it seems like such a hassle having to get out and dry myself......oh yes I'm a glass half empty one tonight. I think I will just be a skanky lazy moo tonight, and hope that one my sons decides to cook something for me. I hate cooking, and would happily starve myself to avoid it. Does your lovely neighbour do food parcels??

Well done for lasting half a day at work after a sleepless night!

I have had enough -I'm drowning - had hospital appointment yesterday with surgeon and things are a bit worse than i thought. Had a school thing afterwards & FC was there - couldn't even look at me never mind ask what is going on! After getting some info from him I have been in contact with my sol saying still cant get personal bank statements and not sure whether barrister mediation is a good idea - the reason things are so difficult is I feel FC is unreasonable and to get the mediator to see this last time was emotionally draining. Is there no allowance for emotional & psychological abuse. Last time FC wanted to take school fees out of equity from house sale & then split the difference basically leaving me with enough to by a shoebox. Sol said he was on another planet - now when Im asking for personal bank statements she's asking me why I need them - this is the only way I can tell if FC is telling me one thing & doing another - by the time this is resolved he will have spent all the money and there will be nothing left - is this usual - i have sent sol so many emails which I feel is emotional & financial abuse - i just want someone to say I see what hes doing & ill sort it - is this not what sols do or only when there is a huge pot & sufficient money to pay large fees- WWK -can you advise. This is not what I entered into 20 years ago. last night DS spent 1/2 hr
ranting F=====g, c88t, n**ger as there was no internet - what do i do?

oh & his way of supporting me through all this is to say kids can live with him whilst I go through my treatment as he'd love to have them for an extended period so there's not a problem with me being unable to drive and so I can just do nothing - perfect then so F off with an OW and whilst i'm at my lowest take the kids away too & leave me on my own!

Green I don't have anything particularly useful to say but just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. He sounds like a monster and very similar in behaviour to other ex's on here.

My own view is that they have to shut off everything about their past life (e.g. your illness, feelings, finances) because they have not dealt with the guilt of what they have done. If they had I believe they would be able to hold their hands up, apologise (meaningfully) and do what needs to be done to make things right. Repent. Show remorse. But they don't. They continue their cruelty beyond our comprehension, leaving us to deal with more than we ever thought possible. But deal with it we will because we must. There will be an end to this one day and until then all we can do is our best.

From a practical point of view, I have minimal knowledge of the legalities. But as I understand it, 12 months worth of bank statements are required if it goes to court (as part of form E financial disclosure). Are you in a position to take it to court for a judge to decide? Spending all the money is a worry. Mine has tried to do the same - he may have got away with it for now but if it does go to court, a judge will not look favourably on it.

Izzie not taken it well, not on speaking terms with Mum. Yes neighbour has been so helpful as she was also left in her mid 40's by ExH so funnily enough she understands.

She lives alone in 70's and is a dear friend not just a neighbour so again you find out who are your true friends. She has cooked for me a few times as we all know appetites and planning disappear rapidly during the divorce diet.

Looking forward to a good nights sleep I think , red wine is open, wind is up outside, feel like might get some proper zzz's tonight.

What a shame we all have to meet online in such s**t circumstances! Yes lasted the morning at work .... but I think in such a short time I am doing OK - this is the journey, tears are not as common now in fact.

I also enjoy cycling but not a MAMIL, just enjoy being out on my bike. Makes me feel better.

Drifting , yes not surprised re your son. Hope he's getting support, poor kid.

Neighbour sounds lovely.

Divorce diet, never mind that, I'm on the can't be arsed to cook diet. When I'm on top of absolutely everything else, I will still be on that diet. I'm not happy about losing weight, ironically. Bloody annoyed that most of my work dresses hang off me so I can't wear now. Having got the work wardrobe well sorted previously.

You're sounding more positive. It's all a bit somber on here tonight, so it's welcome news.

Cycling..probably the exercise I would choose if I was going to. And definitely never ever Lycra!

Knackered and off to bed. Can't wait

Green....you've got it coming from all sides. OMG, I don't even know what to say. Your post really hit me.

I am no expert on these matters, but I've read that the only bad behaviour that can be taken into account has to be really extreme, like stabbing someone. That was on a UK solicitor site. If he is deliberately depriving the marital pot of cash, they can add that back in, so it would come off his portion. But yes, I was thinking WWK.

The offer to take the kids. Yes it feels like another insult, and its heaping grief upon grief. Hopefully though you can reach a more acceptable arrangement for you. Easy for me to say this, but try to depersonalise the offer, use it to your advantage. You will always be their mum, and nobody can replace you in their affections.

I'm so sorry, my love, life is bloody cruel sometimes. Thinking of you, and will post if I can think of anything.

Do you have much RL support?

Familyofthree:

My own view is that they have to shut off everything about their past life (e.g. your illness, feelings, finances) because they have not dealt with the guilt of what they have done. If they had I believe they would be able to hold their hands up, apologise (meaningfully) and do what needs to be done to make things right. Repent. Show remorse. But they don't. They continue their cruelty beyond our comprehension, leaving us to deal with more than we ever thought possible. But deal with it we will because we must. There will be an end to this one day and until then all we can do is our best.

I completely agree with this. My ex was another "suprise runner" and I could have died from the shock of it. I rememeber being given a few days to move out of my home we'd shared for years and I;d thought he was completely in love with me and happy. I was shaking so much as I just threw stuff into boxes. A friend's husband came to collect me and take me to their house because I had nowhere to go and I was jsut crying saying "why is he doing this", and my friend's husband, a 32 year old rugby player was crying too watching it happen to me. Absoltuely no one could understand.

My ex would not even acknowledge I was alive. He left me totally screwed financially, he acted like I was dead and we were together for years and completely happy / loving relationship.

Afterwards he was SO evil, going around playing the victim telling all his friends and family and even some mutual friends that he had "tried and tried" but just could not continue to try if Jess was not willing to meet him halfway and he got so much sympathy! I have no idea what the heck he was on about because a week before he'd gone he was planning a baby with me and had an appointment with the fertility doctor for the day he left! All he said was he loved me, living with me was the happiest he'd eve been, could not wait to have kids etc. etc.

He could not, and never has faced me and explained!!!!

Evil bastard, and I thought that he was a bloody saint!

im crying reading this - the only way I am sleeping is with tablets and I still wake up at 4. you lot are the only ones that get this I have RL support but I dont like to ask for help. Izzie just knowing you are there is enough.
family & jess funnily enough a friend said the same thing about guilt yesterday - that is the reason for what is absurd behaviour. DH has always maintained that I am separate to the kids I have never been able to get my head around this but something I read says that he sees the kids as being "belongings". i will be looking into this a bit more.
My gut is screaming at me that I know what is going on - there is something on T that would back this up or my head is being messed with. I am actually thinking of abandoning the mediation & just going full steam ahead - Ill wait & see if WWK can add anything - just worried about the cost and where I get the money from to fund it.
I have some course work to do today - i enrolled on a psychology course (start of last year - before i knew what I would be dealing with - another strange twist in life's path!) for something to do & because I have always had an interest - but everything has been pushed to last minute & I'm not sure if I will get it done before tomorrow. Think i may need to start telling people whats going on & try & releave some of the pressure - I want to be able to cope & do it all but not sure I can. thanks all for listening

Hi Everyone , have been reading all your posts, a bit concerned about you green and Izzie, you both sound very downhearted at the moment with all the shit you are having to deal with, green, I am so sorry to hear about your health worries, please pm me if you need to talk, I had a scare last year but it was only a cyst, but the waiting to hear was horrendous, and to have it on top of the stress of dealing with fuckface is even more of an ordeal.

As you know I have my cousins visiting at the moment, they have been a great support to me , albeit from afar, so to have them here is amazing, so I will not be posting as much this week, but I will still read all your posts and help if I can. I know you will all continue offer advice and support to each other.
Izzie, you are such a strong woman, and just because you are having a little 'wobble' at the moment doesn't make you any less of one, in fact it proves the opposite, you can deal with him, you are moving forward and sorting out your finances, working, caring for your sons, get your superhero cape out woman! Don't beat yourself up because you're not feeling tippety top at present, who would be? You are doing fine and dandy, given the situation.
Love, hugs, strength and all that gubbins, to you all, hobbit, still in bed being lazy......zzzzzzz

Will post properly later but:

Green it's natural to want to do it all yourself, but that's not always possible. A bit like learning to walk before you can run, you can only ease yourself into it. And as we all know, there will be steps backwards as well as forwards. Your illness, my love, is more than a step backwards, it's a bloody exception. So you throw away all thoughts of Ms Independent for the time being. Take and ask for support wherever you can get it. Yes it's time to tell people. If they don't know, they won't know you need help. I'm surprised to find that some people care more than you think. Some people are good at emotional support, others are more practical. There is all sorts of help out there, especially from the mums. Lifts, childminding, shopping, washing etc. none of these things individually are a great burden for someone to help with. And you know how useless you feel yourself when you want to help someone but don't know how? So, guide them.

Your comment about just knowing we are there is enough. I understand what you mean. Well, that feeling can be magnified by using support in RL too. Time to gather the Help Green troops in RL.

Being tired just makes everything worse, I know.

I can't speak from any experience about mediation, I'm only at the stage of having suggested we go for a financial settlement. But from my limited viewpoint I would say firstly that going full steam, I assume you mean to court, means you have less control over the outcome. So if that's the case I would be wary. And I would find that massively stressful. Mediation, I've read on here about how awful that can be too. Personally, I would take the view that the final outcome is what matters, so I would make that my decision as to which way to go. It may be a rougher route, but I would be living with the outcome for far longer than it would take me to get there. A very simplistic view, as I said.

WWK has final hearing this week, I think.

We are all thinking of you, sending you love and strength. One day all of this shit will be confined to the bin of history. Better times beckon all of us, but we have to do the bloody journey first. Xx

Hello Hobbit and others on this thread.

I don’t post very much on these boards these days but I did read your post and the rawness of Izzie's last few posts prompted me as when I was in my own eye of the storm knowing others had made it out the other side helped me a lot.

In brief, my husband left unexpectedly for OW when my son was 2.5, I was in the middle of IVF and we can recently ended a pregnancy for medical reasons. I was blindsided but more than that my ‘D’ H turned into a totally different person overnight from loving husband to the person that said post egg collection “you may as well shut the fuck up crying as I feel nothing for you anymore”. Confronting and at the time it drove me to the edge of reason (although with hindsight prob one of the nicer things he has said in the last 4 years or so despite me thinking we were happy and he was a lovely man/husband prior).

Its 4.5 years later now and whilst still a little snakes and ladders I can barely recognise myself from the woman that almost broke. I lost huge amounts of weight, drank too much (not 'dangerously' but more often than not saw the bottom of a bottle a night), started smoking again and was left to forge new career in a country that I'd only been in for 2 years and was unable to leave. I had many times when I just wanted to sit down in the middle of the road and make it all go away. The idea that I would ever have moments of happiness again was inconceivable.

I posted a lot of Mumsnet at the time but even on here and in RL when people would tell me I would get through it and would not feel the incredible weight of physical and mental pain I would smile and nod but not believe it. I felt that their experiences were different to mine. Their depth of feeling towards their ex, different to mine. I am (without sounding up myself) a reasonably smart person but could not countenance that their weight of experience was relevant to mine.

But as unlikely as it seems in the here and now, the weight of experience is right. You WILL get through this. And you WILL feel better. It WILL happen. Life can and will be good, as improbable as it seems today. Its not the same and there are still even now, days of disbelief and worry about the future, but I'm a long way from the broken woman that I was. I've had adventures that I never thought I'd have again again. The downside is that it takes time but I'm a believer in the feel what you feel till you don't feel it at all vs. a schedule for coping.

This is a saying I go back to again and again….I’m not sure of origins (I can’t take credit for it - a friend friend's poet friend I think) ....and it has helped me. I hope it helps anyone on here that could do with a bit of help at the moment...

There is light and there is darkness. There is always a bit of light. Stay with this light, just with that little bit. Don’t look for a bigger one. Stay with what you’ve got. It’ll grow. Stay with the small light. Very important. Stay with it. Don’t stay with what you haven’t got. Light is light

Good luck xo

Hobbit, thank you!

Getting there, still wobbling a bit though.

However, I need to give myself a big pat on the back because within a few days I will have done all the painting of the kitchen units. Yes, Shitbag, so go ram that lot up your arse in your dowdy dingy shack a few miles up the road where all the inbreds live!! Yes, it does look bloody good, your old kitchen, pretty stunning. Well just wait till the floor is varnished, you will be sobbing when you see it.

I may be meeting him today, will explain later. Meantime, will leave the Superhero cape in the wardrobe so I don't get paint on it, do a bit of painting, air the place and stop the e cigs instead, make the house look tidy in case he does come round. For pride! Oh, and hide all the papers I've been copying. And hope he doesn't go to the box where the share certificates are kept. Cos they don't live in this house now, they are in a safer place!!

Ooh I'm cheering up now

Smoke, not stop

Well, vape, to be precise

Thank you downunderdolly. Like you, I thought when it was happening that no one really understood, that no one loved their ex or had as good / happy relationship as I had but over time I learned that many did. Many had totally loving marriages and harmonious homes with someone they believed would never in a million years leave them - much less kick them to the ground and spit on their body on the way out the door.

There's a lot of people who share in the same circumstances:

1. Happy marriage / relationship, committed and no outward sign of trouble.

1. Husband randomly runs out, leaving the woman in total shock.

1. After doing that, instead of being a nice / compassionate as possible, he is as cruel and nasty as humanly possible, acting almost like he hates the woman he did this to and is trying to cause her maximum pain.

1. He does not even acknowledge hat he's done, or that the relationship was ever good and seems to live in a fictional world where what he has done was not that bad, and the relationship was not working.

1. He then plays the victim, gets lots of sympathy and makes his ex and the relationship out to be bad. Often managing to manipulate the situation to come out smelling like roses.

That's the basic pattern, and I won't sit there psychoanalysing it because it's impossible for a brain or heart that could NOT do that to comprehend one that COULD. Or even why anyone would want to, because to be honest, even if my conscience was capable of doing that to someone, I'd not have any desire to!

It's incredibly difficult living with the questions of how or why someone could or would do this to you. So much harder when that person was the single human being you loved, trusted and thought cared about you the most. It absolutely batters your self esteem and makes you feel like you'e living in a bad nightmare you can't wake up from.

The real point as you move on is really coming to terms with a few things.

1. That this is real, that this is the truth and it's actually happening and as unbelievable and illogical and outrageous as it is....it's REAL.

1. That he is not going to ever change back to who he was and correct or make amends for all the pain he has caused. The monster is here permanently.

1. That he is, in effect, dead now. He died the day the switch flipped and he became this piece of shit, and the person you once loved and felt the way you did about is gone and never coming back.

1. That many people, especially HIS friends and family are simply always going to believe his version of events and those people are not worth worrying about.

1. That this happened because there is something wrong with HIM and not YOU. Normal, healthy, balanced individuals do not behave like this. EVER.

1. That you will endure it, even when it feels like you can't last another minute, you will find a way to just get through it day by day and very slowly over time that pain will be processed. You will come to terms with the shock and the physical / mental affects of that. You will build a new life. You will stop missing him. You will "get used" to it. Then gradually as that happens new things will find their way in. You'll look at other people and how they behave and you'll be reminded that your ex spouse is an anomaly (and I believe mentally sick in some way).

You'll remember that in the end, all we have control of is ourselves. That you were loving, kind, loyal, honest and over time that picture of yourself will make you see you're the lucky one because all we are is all we have.

And who would want to live in their own skin.

I apologise to drifted, because women can do this too, although I do believe it is rarer as women are more likely to talk.

I believe completely that getting truth this is much worse than bereavement, MUCH harder much more emotionally challenging and while I have dreadful times, dreadful days, difficulty trusting etc. I DO know I am getting better and that this experience has forged me with fire and I am a better partner and human being now than I was before.

In the long run, hopefully we will all end up with someone more like us....someone just not capable of all this - because at the end of the day - who'd want to continue with someone who was capable of all this?

Great post downunderdolly.

Lovely and inspirational posts, downunderdolly and jessmay, xx

FUCKING CUNT!

he is in bath with OW- DD has text him -she knows hes going on about money & shes asked him why he can stay in a hotel & we cant.He's lying, he's abusing her, hes abusing me - i cant take much more of this

I know how incredibly difficult it is for you right now, I can feel your pain and distress in every post, and I can only sympathise from afar and give you a virtual hand to hold.
Please try to go no contact at all for as long as you can , no texts from anyone in the family, no looking at social media accounts etc.
It will only hurt you in every imaginable way, it will not affect his behaviour in the slightest, he has shown his true colours to you on many occasions in the past, he is not the man you thought you knew, he has been replaced by a selfish, uncaring twat.
Protect yourself and your children from his lies and emotional abuse.
PLEASE Green, go no contact. Xx

apologies for my language earlier ladies - i dont normally swear - i read somewhere that going through divorce ages you 2 years - right now i feel like ive aged 10yrs - its the total lack of ability to do anything about my situation that is currently driving me mad. I had started to put into place some social activity but all that is going to have to be put on hold - i had just clawed my way out of one hole only to full head first into one twice as deep. Hope you are all having better days

Green, do try to arrange some activities or events either alone with friends or with your children. You need some distractions at the moment to help you to deal with the tremendous stress you're under.
Go for lunch or to the cinema, anything to take your focus away from your situation for a short while. It really does help, it doesn't make your pain magically disappear, of course not, but it brings some normality into your life again. Finding out what he is doing or where he is going with the ow only damages you, he does not give a flying fuck unfortunately. Please take care of yourself, xx