Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

Another step in the right direction for me. All men would beg to differ, though. I'm a lovely person really, but over the years, helped by my present job giving me endless opportunities to hone my skills, I'm an expert ball breaker. I have an answer for everything and I can keep going for ever, like a wind up toy. The more I get into my flow, the more it snowballs.

Yes, one of the reasons my Shitbag decided to leave, presumably

Well, today was the first time I've gone into full flow on the phone with him. Not angry, not upset, but just enjoying putting the tosser in his place.

I feel strong!!

To follow up iwas post, when he first went I went I to decorating overdrive, I was totally knackered but kept going, maybe just because I was worried about how I would be if I stopped. Maybe that's why I slept easily. Total exhaustion and virtually no eating. Not really a suggestion here, but more of an insight.

I used to stay up so I was really tired too. Also had tv on a sleep timer so the silence iwas refers to didn't consume me.

I'm planning on trying an antihistamine tonight - thanks for the tip.

Family, she didn't care at all, she never looked back from the day they split. Also, when she petitioned for divorce, he went mad. Said he didn't want to be divorced! Oh dear, he had an affair, fucked off with a load of money she couldn't ever recover, and then she divorced him. Tragic

You know what would be fun......if they had an exclusively male MN type thing, so we could read what's going on in the minds of these fuckwits. And what they say about us ex wives being totally unreasonable and unforgiving

Drifting, yes piriton or similar. A well known remedy amongst some mums for kids who don't seem to want to go to sleep.

Sorry have been reading, but am just catching up with posting.

Familyofthree thank you the close proximity is hard. Decorating is good, I am enjoying it. Only problem is that dickhead will be getting the benefit when I eventually move and he moves back in here. He has now offered to pay for the decorating after acting like an idiot the other day.

Hobbit yes talking about shitting on your own doorstep! He said he wasn't rubbing my nose in it!!

WWK I agree that the support on this site has been absolutely wonderful. So many people have been a huge help and support. Even just somewhere to vent sometimes is a help.

Hobbit I know how you feel, we all do. You do lose all your confidence and self esteem and wonder what the hell is wrong with you. But some days you feel a bit stronger, feel a bit more confident and you start getting a bit of belief that YOU CAN DO THIS. It doesn't always last that long but hopefully when that positivity comes back next time it lasts a little longer.

When I found that my husband had got back in touch with the OW and moved in with her after the initial shock and upset I wondered (hoped even) if he had done it to make me jealous as a last ditch attempt to win me back. Which is obviously why he kept it hidden from me for weeks because it is easier to make someone jealous when they don't know isn't it!! When I realised that it had nothing to do with making me jealous and everything about him being a selfish dickhead it hurt. He had actually moved on without as much as a backward glance.

Iwas, all these little things they do, believe me you will be grateful one day. Because as they stack up, your emotions start to shut down. Any lingering doubts, hopes etc will get cast in the bin. Emotional indifference is what we need. And I think they help us to get there. Ironically

Think I will try a later finish , red wine just now one large glass only , & then turn in - will try some Piriton too another time . I thank you all for your advice & maybe if theres another gent lurking , feel free to join ....

I have lost a lot of confidence as well , feel a failure but I have been very good at telling everyone what has happened. Everyone has been supportive . I think everyone wants to help & the best thing anyone can do is just listen - thats all we need isn't it ?

Hour by hour, one day at a time, looking forward to Friday night , no work Saturday ( my employer has been wonderful, senior manager been through the same thing ) .

Green there is no timescale to getting over it, no right or wrong just whatever feels right for you. It is so very true that only someone who has gone through this truly gets it. My sister has been absolutely wonderful, but thankfully she is very happily married and has no experience of anything near this which is one of the reasons why I still post a lot on here. You are most definitely out of his league!

Izzie beware of men who eat fruit with a knife! My husband used to/still does probably do that all the bloody time. I nearly put ex then. I haven't felt ready to put that yet even though I ended our marriage over a month ago. Is that normal?

Drum thank you so much. I can understand why you thought that my husband "kept me in a box" but he wasn't controlling or abusive or did me down or anything. He is just a faithless liar. But when I first started posting on here I possibly came over as a bit downtrodden as I was so unwilling to believe that he was actually cheating on me and I just didn't feel able to deal with it. I didn't feel myself at all then but am having days now when I feel more confident and that I can actually function again. I felt like I was on auto pilot before and everything was happening around me and now I have taken control of a few things. Thank you.

Drifting, as long as you recognise that feeling a failure is not the same as actually being a failure. And that it's part of the process

I found that I also just want some people to act as though nothing had happened, so they treat me as before. A balance in that respect can be good.

Be your own physician. Do what seems right for you at the time. It will change. Be your own best friend and carer, if you know what I mean.

This period in your life, all of our lives, won't last forever. Hold that thought when things are particularly bad.

Having your senior manager go through the same thing is a godsend for you, not for him of course. But he fully understands. I can't say I fully understood the impact until it happened to me. And I'm sure lots of others would be the same.

You are doing well, you are letting it out, you are facing it, you are doing what you can to help yourself, you are seeking advice. And big up for getting back to work.

If you have ever suffered the death of someone close, you will see the parallels. At first you think things will never be the same again, and that you are detached from everyone else. They are going about normal life and you are not part of the world anymore. But gradually you heal and become part of the normal world again.

Can I ask, roughly how old are you? Don't feel you have to answer, no offence will be taken

it's his loss. I think you can turn this on its head: If people are saying this to you, they are implicitly saying 'Well, I think you're marvellous/mighty fine/got things going for you'. So the way you perceive yourself could well be nothing like the way those people (saying it) perceive you.

Naturally, we will dismiss it as 'platitudes'. But, for perspective, remember just because your self-esteem is rock bottom (and something you are very much feeling) doesn't mean that's how EVERYONE sees it. Yes, you've been 'rejected' by the person whose opinion matters most. However, they left - their opinion matters not one jot anymore. It's a long, slow, hideous progress of moving from the former to the latter, mentally speaking.

Also, you may well be measuring it in financial costs (merely one way of valuing 'worth'). But also, you've been left by someone who doesn't share your values, but embraces values that are offensive to you. So it takes time to accept there are some deceptive people out there. You're not in 'that gang'.

Izzie late 40's . But still a young man . Glad to be alive . Why do you ask ? Wise words from such a youngster ? !!

Iwas, calling him ex. No, I don't think it's abnormal to not feel ready to use that phrase. My thing is I hate not wearing my wedding ring, any wedding ring. I still have the indents on my finger. I felt the same when I left him briefly a number of years ago. I've told myself I can wear any ring I want on any finger I want. The only thought was that wearing a wedding ring may mark me out as unavailable to men. Which I am, but who knows how I will ultimately feel. So I've decided to leave it off until the indents disappear.

WWK yes, I know I shouldn't have engaged. From what you've written here on this matter, I'm ordering pom-poms!

And yes, I too have a full on 'Fuck you' speech should the dirty old man come knocking on my door saying 'I've made a terrible mistake'. I'll agree and say, "Yes, but it's taken me 15 years to rectify it - but take it from me: give it time and you'll heal" delivered in the most patronising manner I could ever muster...hopefully with young adonis standing half-nekkid behind me...

Iwas him moving in with OW, from your account, I get the impression that they both viewed their 'relationship' as 'just a bit of fun'. It makes me think that your STBXH is thinking 'when life gives you lemons, make lemonade'. Still quite a sour drink though. So as hard as this is for you (and I've no doubt you're a long way to fully understanding the depths of the treachery), remember you're very dignified, very eloquent, and quite okay in your own right. KOKO.

WWK.

Green sorry you had a bad day yesterday. It must be hard seeing things on twitter. I am fortunate that husband and OW don't do any of that. I obviously knew that he doesn't but did look to see if OW did and fortunately nothing otherwise I think I would have ended up looking at it a lot. I long for indifference too.

Hobbit hope you are having a good time with your cousins.

Familyofthree sorry you feel you are going backwards. You are doing really well managing with two small children, that must be so hard. Totally get the "that man doesn't exist anymore". I keep thinking how did I get him so wrong? You have not cost your children their father, that is down to him. Do not blame yourself. I understand how you feel totally. My husband said he was happy, has had nothing bad to say about me really neither so why did he cheat on me all the time? He seemed to think that it was okay as long as I didn't find out! But if he had been happy he wouldn't have done it, I would never have done that to him because I loved him, had respect for him and would never have hurt him like that. But he was prepared to do that to me.

TrueBlue how very true that the only cure is time. I just wish it would hurry up!

Cyclists! Dickhead used to use that as his method of transport when he was sneaking off to visit women apparently. So it's put me off them somewhat!

WWK great that you are starting to feel like you again and having a few laughs.

Drifting well done on getting back to work. Keep making the steps forward and hope you had a nice tea with your neighbour.

Izzie sorry he's being a shit today, although I bet he did have a rotten Christmas Day! Great you are feeling strong.

Drifting, a young man indeed. You must be, seeing as I'm 54! Curious I suppose. Getting more of a feel for you. I had a mental image of you being in your 30s. I get the feeling there are no kids? Again, don't feel you have to answer.

All the women here, it's easy to conjure up the image. Generally got kids of various ages, so I sort of picture them all clearly

WWK, Hobbit

T shirts AND pom-poms

Ra ra ra. Boyo!

And WooDooVooDoo dolls. The emblem of WWK's pissed offness.

WWK we are on the campaign trail

Bikes have featured twice here as accessories to the crime.

Who the fuck are these weirdo women who get turned on by tight clothes and bicycle clips?

I feel a song coming on "you can ring my be e ell, ring my bell [ding dong ding].". Not much lyric wise but a bang on tune in the late 70s,

Izzie it is so like bereavement. At least having gone through that you do know that you will eventually come out the other side even if it feels like you never will to start with.

Drifting very much a young man! "Glad to be alive" a good philosophy. However, much it doesn't feel like it right now we have a lot to be thankful for. Health, good family and friends and hopefully happiness in the future. Life is too precious to waste time mourning some selfish, cheating, lying idiot. If I keep telling myself that I might believe it at some point!!

Izzie thank you for that reassurance. It just feels very final referring to him in that way and I suppose it's still a relatively short period of time. I am still wearing my wedding and engagement rings.

WWK yes my husband did say it was "just fun" with OW and that she was in agreement with that. My sister thought she was "smitten" with him so not sure if it was just fun to her. I like your lemon image, it may be the case with him I just don't know. He said he had no intention of leaving our marriage but would have asked her out if he was single. So thinking that he might as well give it a go now that our marriage is over possibly. Thank you.

Izzie oh no mine was nothing like that. He used to just go for cycles that apparently were just nice, scenic ambles down the lanes where we live. Certainly no cycling gear!! I didn't even know he had gone out on the bike sometimes I thought he was working, but no he used to sneak out too.

Sorry I have waffled on far too much on here tonight. Have caught up now so will shut up!!

No iwas, you carry on. It's nice to read what others are thinking. The background stuff is good too, we all get to know each other more.