Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

I was also instructions...?

I was also instructed not to use my communications skills to great effect.

Job, jobbed!

Can I also put you down for a Team Hobbit t-shirt? World domination beckons via Mumsnet! ......

7 shirts please. So I can wash and wear, and dry in Wales...

Hobbit....t shirt yes please! I had forgotten in the trauma of the last few months that I hate cyclists with a passion and would happily run them all over if I thought I could get away with it. Rural Wales here I come!

Bi sexual, that's the worst of both worlds. Maybe I will go back to my Catholic roots and become a nun. Once I've given up smoking and swearing. Slight flaw with that plan too, I will be dead!

That feeling were your stomach is slowly swallowing your heart and thoughts keep turning over and around in your head; the only cure is time..

Hi Izzie, I have nothing against cyclists in general, just the two involved in the breakup of my marriage, it all started with him joining a cycling group in the village to get fitter as he was approaching fifty, then started six mon this of lies and deception involving this friend who was also part of the group.
I don't mind riding my bike along the lanes in the summer, but riding 60 miles in the rain ain't my idea of fun, I don't get the obsessive nature of it.
Anyway, it turned out he was only doing it because she was, and it was a chance to be with her without raising suspicion.
Actually, you are right, cycling is shit! Who am I kidding, xx

Hi all. I don't get cycling either. All that peddling just to get the thing between your legs to work, he could have just bought pills of 'tinterweb or something. Or may be not.

The treachery and deception is unbelievable isn't it? I think because it was so unexpected for me, when we started to get drips and drabs of information (when he deigned to start sharing some of his bank account info - still waiting on the rest....) it all kind of started to make sense, but then that feeling of being utterly mugged and deceived, not just me, but also everyone connected to him, has stung it out for a long time, which means I am sort of okay about the fact that some days I barely functioned at all well as a human being for around six months. I'm starting to feel more like me again, having been up and around crowds of people this week, having a few laughs, having interesting conversations and learning new stuff. It sort of helps me get my self-esteem back on track. I can, actually, be around new people and not feel like I'm corrupting society, if that makes sense.

it's time for us all to move on, what's the point of recriminations and blame? [His words]

a) (s)he can fuck off decreeing 'when' things happen. Take it as slowly and as gently as you need to. You're responsible for your welfare, and that of your family, now.

b) (s)he made the decision. (S)He put you through months of crap making that decision, so them having the head start, just makes them the hare and you the tortoise. You get there in the end.
c) The point of recriminations and blame? Simple. Firstly, they lied. Then they deceived. They didn't deal with things responsibly so they can fuck off decreeing you be 'fair' to them now. You don't get the opportunity to behave badly...well you kind of do, but it comes with serious risks. But, I know that if someone had come along and took away something they valued (be it a material thing or an emotional thing) they would feel 'wronged' and want to do something about it. So they can fuck off telling you how your feelings should be. They are what they are, and they will change 'when' you're ready. So back to a).

Back to work Tuesday small step forward. Off Wednesday step back . In work today . Step forward. Tea with neighbour. Step forward. Talking in RL . I was over confident last week saying look at me , how well I am doing, but no I am not at all .

True Blue that feeling you mentioned yes its horrible. Seems to never leave really.

I don't have any wise words to offer to anyone I am afraid except I see your words and feel your hurt , we are all the same boat it looks like.

drifting it does leave eventually. I am no longer wretched most days. I can actually have some okay times. Like today, I've laughed my head off. And that's saying something.

Drifting going back to work is a huge step. It certainly was for me. Don't expect to be able to go in every day at this stage. I managed a week, then a few days the following week, and I think I had other days off after that. Look at it as each day at work is progress. Focus on the times you went to work, not the times you didn't go.

And yes, the whole thing gets easier. Mine was a more complicated story so it may seem that I am further down the road than some in my two months. It all takes time. But believe me, you will gradually improve, and sometimes go backwards. It's all part of the process.

I've had my wobbles, but I can honestly say that I feel I am getting some resolution in my head. It's becoming more my default outlook that I really don't care much for him, what he's doing, who he's with etc. I just feel mild contempt, really. Not strong contempt, I'm getting past that now. I suppose you might describe it as looking down my nose at him. just don't want to engage with him at all, because I just don't like him as a person. He's becoming nothing to me.

I meant to change my next of kin details at work today. I decided I was ready to. The thought of him being called if I was taken ill, and going to hospital with me is like going with a stranger, why would I want to go with HIM? I may as well go with some of the people who work at the same place as me and who I don't engage with. I want to go with a friend or relative if I'm ill. I don't class him as either, really.

Indifference is coming. As it will to you in time. Be patient.

Came home to a letter seeming to confirm he's changed his address for his share holdings. Was tempted to contact him about it. But he's regulated by FSA so any immoral financial stuff, ie selling them and sifting away the cash, I could probably report him for. It's probably nothing more than him changing his address. Either way, though, the share certificates have all been photocopied, and the originals are being looked after by a friend of mine. So he won't be able to sell them without asking me for the certificates. He has no idea I have moved them out haha.

Getting that off my chest. Hoping I will now switch off from it and not start imagining allsorts.

Suddenly panicked and thought maybe he would get new replacement share certificates so phoned him. Very unpleasant conversation. What a cunt.

Drifter I agree with the others that you have to take it slowly. It's been such a short amount of time for you and you must be kind to yourself and grieve at a pace that is right for you. I have days now where I feel really good and I'll be dancing round the kitchen with the kids thinking 'yay, I must be fixed!' Only to find a few days later I'm really suffering again. Go easy on yourself and be patient like Izzie says, it will come.

I had a thought in the car and I can't seem to shift it. Almost every single person has said to me 'it's his loss.' Do you think it really is their loss when they don't seem to realise it? Or care? The only person I want to know the extent of damage he has done, pain he has caused and everything that he has lost is him. Yet he seems to be the only one incapable of understanding it.

Anyway. Sorry to be a downer. I am fighting through this low, determined to get out the other side again. true you are so right about time. I just wish it would hurry up - I want the indifference stage and I want it now!

Izzie he is so vile. I now only email if absolutely necessary, the solicitors can deal with the rest. He's not allowed to communicate with me in any other way and that's fine with me! Although it's money I wish I didn't have to spend, it helps my emotional well being not having to speak to him and that's worth a lot at the moment! Anyway I quite enjoy reading the letters and imagining his face when he reads them.

Thanks for the ongoing support. Kind words that mean so much . Yes it is tough goodness so tough . I feel like OK sometimes then empty legged , nervous & weak . I have seen all my dreams disappear . I have seen that there has been some progress in myself, my family & friends also see it, little bits.

Today I have heard of two other abandoned spouses ! Both Sep 2014 the husband walked for OW.

I hope they're talking & using MN - this is my saving grace when sitting at home with empty picture hooks and spaces on shelves . Weekend I have a friend coming to rearrange furniture. Small but a change .

Trying to eat & sleep, find sleeping difficult though . Once awake in early hours, cannot get back . Guess I need to go to bed later ? If I could sleep well , it would be much better to function the following day .

Will reply to family shortly. Got to get this off my chest. Spoke to my ex Shitbag, and it came out about Xmas. I took exception to him coming round Boxing Day. Oh apparently it was his sacrifice because he had to keep himself from coming round Xmas Day. You're fucking kidding me!! I said in more eloquent and lengthy tones. I said they are adults and I have no intention of spending any xmases with my ex husband. He said he's entitled to see "my boys".. He's often entitled these days! I also said that he should be spending time Xmas day with his partner ( yes, I used that word, because it actually felt like a dig this time). I ended the call by saying something like if he wanted to retain any rights to see them Xmas day he should have left when they were younger and then he could have played Disney Dad. Then I put the phone down.

I followed up with a text saying that the kids were free to see whoever they wanted at Xmas, but that I had no intention of spending time with him, so he would have to work round it. I said he should be spending time with his partner (dig) on Xmas day, but maybe they could invite the boys over. Ha fucking ha, hell would freeze over before they would even acknowledge her, and he knows it.

He doesn't get it, does he?? I'm glad the reality is starting to hit home. Yes, fuckhead, family time is no more.

WWK yes, I know I shouldn't have engaged, but it was very satisfying twisting the knife. And I'm glad I now have his confirmation of sorts that he had a miserable Xmas day. Unlike us!!

Drifting, you are doing just fine for the timescale. And you are not bottling it up like a number of men would. Consequently you will come out of this as a properly rounded person. Keep posting

Drifting I meant to say about the sleep issue. Plenty advice online about that. I've not had that problem myself. Hopefully someone on here may be able to share with you, though

Izzie - thanks any sleep advice I would be glad to hear. Will keep posting. I want anyone new to see the progress in us all . So we can all share it and get through the journey .

Family, it's his loss. Internet searches, general reading and experiences of friends etc confirms that most married men with kids bitterly regret ending their marriage eventually. Eventually! Once the initial excitement of their new life has worn off, once the shitty relations with you have stopped, once they realise they no longer see their kids daily, there is no shared history, that they have given up all of this for ONE PERSON, the vast majority regret it.

Unfortunately for them, the wife has often moved on emotionally by that time. Oh, it seems to get very interesting when the wife starts dating. A friend of. One had her ex sitting outside her house when she had men inside. Despite the fact that he still lived with the OW! He was most indignant. Eith years after they divorced, she remarried. Over they intervening years he said to her and the kids many times that his biggest mistake was to have left her. Apparently he was inconsolable on her wedding day.

If there are any men reading this , feel free to dive in if you need to share I have & it a help . I cannot be the only man nursing a broken heart .

Yes, keep posting Drifting. We all care about each other. I was getting quite worried not hearing from you

Family, communication. Whatever works for you.

Inconsolable on her wedding day indeed! I wonder if she cared. I am still at the stage where I would quite like for him to come home begging for another chance so I could politely tell him to fuck off.

Drifting it is very up and down, so many conflicting emotions all the time. Keep taking the steps forward.

I found going to bed one of the hardest things to do. Not because you are going to bed by yourself and adjusting to the difference in sleeping by yourself although that is hard. But I found everything becoming silent when you get ready to go to bed so hard. When you are up, the children are about, the television/radio is on. There is noise, there are other things that try to occupy your head then you turn everything off and it is silent and it is dark there is nothing whatsoever to occupy your thoughts, nothing to distract you other than thinking about what has happened.

I dreaded going to bed, I was on here until the early hours most nights and still am fairly regularly. I ended up going to bed a couple of hours or so later than I did before all of this happened and I was shattered all the time. But I found that going to bed later meant I got to sleep within half an hour or so because I was so tired rather than taking ages to get to sleep. I did still wake up in the night but I tended to get back to sleep again within an hour or so sometimes quite quickly.

I had been sleeping better until finding out husband was back with the OW but has been better again this week although that might have something to do with being tired from the decorating!

Sorry that was just meant to be a short post saying that I found it helped to go to bed later because being really tired meant I got to sleep quicker. I know being really tired is not a great suggestion but in my case I thought it was preferable to be up doing things than lying in bed crying my eyes out.