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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

999 replies

Hobbitwife001 · 11/12/2014 23:34

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 07/01/2015 12:55

Green, I assume they don't realise you can see the Twitter? If so I would keep it to yourself in case they change the settings to confirmed followers only. The photo incident, that was Facebook wasn't it? I can't check easily, I'm doing this at work on phone

greenberet · 07/01/2015 14:17

hi izzie - i think they know - that was twitter too - think some of the posts are a bit deliberate actually to wind me up - wondering if I can add cyber bullying to the list too. i want to kill again today after feeling pretty good yesterday, so far hes had new furnishings in the rented house, ordered a new car, updated his phone - both myself & DF said it will be a holiday next - know him so well & all the time telling me things are going to have to change as there is no money! Im wondering if i could plead diminished responsibility right now!

Izzie595 · 07/01/2015 14:33

Greenberet they are all so bloody predictable. Spending this that and the other at a time when all should be keeping a close eye on affordability at that stage. And as for the boasting, well pride comes before a fall. Friend of mine her h left and spent all redundancy money on a large trip. She didn't actually realise he had left the job. She had to give up looking for all his hidden bank accounts. Ten years later he has never worked since, lives with his parents, kids can't really be bothered with him. But at least he has a nice holiday to remember. The ow fucked off years ago.

Izzie595 · 07/01/2015 14:48

WWK thanks, office hours sounds good. ESP as he appears to be doing similar.

I has an arsey email recently. Detailed it on here. Basically though I ignored the shit and just answered the rest. Next time I get a similar tone I will, within office hours, send a reply along the lines of I don't answer abusive communications so if you want a reply you will not to submit in a tone acceptable to me. That type of thing. Alternatively I could totally ignore anything in that tone. Yep hello office hours. Small office, even smaller hours!!

Izzie595 · 07/01/2015 16:57

he is still bloody controlling me!

Financial control over us is the last hurdle. For everything else, the words of wisdom are basically that people can do what they want, but only we can permit ourselves to be hurt etc by them.

I wish I had the exact words of that saying.

It's a difficult mantra to take on board, but it's definitely one to work on.

Izzie595 · 07/01/2015 17:03

And for other top tips on how to piss off your STBXH please pay $69.69 to WWK's (not on Form E) bank account and in return she will send you her personal guarantee of how to ensure you enrage your STBXH to the extent he drags you all the way to a Final Hearing...

Would I be correct in thinking that the words sticking up for yourself, taking no shit and breathing feature heavily in the above?Grin

Izzie595 · 07/01/2015 17:19

Sorry all, I've somewhat hijacked this thread the last few days.

I'm now mentally detaching from Shitbag again to my happy place.

So it's now all about me, me, me. But not on this thread for a while.

I'm off to be productive tonight, and maybe catch up with Broadchurch, but will continue checking in for news of others. I will reply if I feel I have something useful to add.

Hoping to hear from Drifting.

Xx

greenberet · 07/01/2015 20:11

Lol izzie you have made me laugh again- dont know what happened this afternoon but either sol gave DH a kick or me saying was going to speak to Inland Revenue worked suddenly a whole load of info came through - except the personal bank statements - finally got details of the nice new car hes ordered - he is a F====== C=== - no money my arse - but the feeling of having a bit of power - wonderful - dont expect it will last long though-

Izzie595 · 07/01/2015 20:28

Greenberet....I'm just having a quick break. Brilliant news from you! So, now we know that there are some tax issues with your ex FC. Very handy. They have 6 years to reclaim tax, I believe. That's a lot of threats up your sleeve!

Oh super, his new car. Would I be right in thinking that it's a nice sensible hatchback?? How boring. Well, I'm a dab hand at painting, I've fucking had to be recently. And iwas is ordering a bulk load of yellow paint (see her thread, last night's entries haha). I feel a plan coming on Grin

greenberet · 07/01/2015 21:08

lol "izzie" just caught up on thread - if nothing else you ladies have got a sense of humour - if we can still laugh we are still ok - maybe not everyday but ok!
I too want that day when all this is over - Ive just been updating my diary and last year was occupied by all this - just one drama after another. This year is empty - waiting to be filled up with new & exciting things!hobbit its the anger for me too that is keeping me going and with each episode the stakes go up - I am now living up to the name he no doubt has been calling me for all these months. I just want to get this over & done with - I will have nothing to do with him once this is sorted even though my kids are still a bit younger. He has destroyed any chance of having a parenting relationship I cant wait for the day I can look at him & he can see nothing in my face - nothing or maybe happiness? I know that day will come just wish it would hurry up

Hobbitwife001 · 07/01/2015 21:31

Hi green and Izzie and Iwas, hope you are all still KOKOing , still a bit woe is me, but ok, still boiling with anger(of course) , cousins visiting from abroad at the moment, so probably won't post as much. Keep sharing and posting on here, and help each other if you can lend an ear, or give some advice.
Until you have walked a mile in our shoes, ( and who in their right mind would want to! ) it's difficult to understand just how wretched a process this is. Humour has always been a defence mechanism for me, and even in times as tough as these, i still find it helps to lighten the load a little. Love hobbit, x

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 07/01/2015 21:46

Ah! Was worried you were a bit quiet - I am here to remind you that sullenness is not tolerated under any circumstances if one is merely falling apart ('tis the "rools" of being the OP...) . If one is otherwise distracted then that is perfectly okay, naturally.

Glad you've got some company. I know you'll still be burning with pain, but just having people around, gets you through the minutes. One thing I forced myself to do is go to places I had previously gone with him. So I didn't symbolise them, but more 'reclaimed' them. Yes, it's hard - but it means the next time you go, the previous memory is not his...if that makes sense.

Nobody wants to walk an inch in our shoes - but we didn't choose it. It is just a case of one foot in front of the other (and keep your best smashing-his-face-in fist, two-fingered salutes, and wanker-sign languaging behind close doors).

However, when you start making strides, then that's when they start playing 'catch up'. Take care one and all.

Hobbitwife001 · 07/01/2015 22:09

Hi Well, lovely to hear from you honey, hope paperwork all done and FYI file bulging, unlike you, lovely svelte lady that you are now. :)
I have been to the village pub a few times with friends, felt better going 'mob-handed' shall we say, in case ff and bf were there.
But, they weren't , and it was fine, and I felt a small victory in ' reclaiming' some territory, as that was where they were first seen holding hands together by a close friend. It was also where she arranged his 50th birthday party, 6 weeks after he had left me and the boys.
Pretty shit really, what an insensitive thing to do, and her supposed to be a do-gooder n' all.....

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 07/01/2015 22:20

Greenberet....just had a lovely tepid bath, hmm. I totally understand about no contact afterwards. Let's face it, if you can't have a civilised relationship, it doesn't do the kids any good anyway. My young adult kids, when they see me getting really annoyed because of him, I can see in their faces it's like being back in the war zone.

Hobbit....humour, absolutely! And as I said before, ridiculing them is a bit like being angry with them, but is maybe the lesser emotion. That's good. I went through some awful times when my father was ill with dementia, the most heartbreaking time of my life. My brother and I cracked many jokes about the situationat the time. If we hadnt been able to laugh, I think I would have wanted to top myself. Hope your visitors act as a nice distraction. Xx

Drifting.... Still thinking about you. Worried. Hope you're ok'ish but just too knackered to post

WellWhoKnew · 07/01/2015 22:45

Bobol bach! Hobbit that is beyond the pale. I have no words for that. Do they still use that pub now that you've started going there?

Given it's getting down to two working days to go, and it's "all going on", I have decided appropriately, to switch from gin to martini. Apparently the latter is better shaken, not stirred. No effort required then as the Zombie Plan keeps initiating itself, so it's clearly the best way to go. Always a woman with a plan me!

KOKO, one and all, marching on inch by inch.

Hobbitwife001 · 07/01/2015 23:01

Yes, of course they do cariad, heaven forbid they have to make any changes to their social life out of consideration for me and my sons, why should they be punished? It's time for us all to move on, what's the point of recriminations and blame?
Obviously, they are fuckface's words not mine, if I had my way I'd have them both in stocks on the square, so everyone could throw rotten fruit at the 'bad apples', and maybe I'd throw something else, (something a LOT heavier)
Martini! How very 'James Bond' of you, I always knew you were a classy bird! KOKO on to the final hearing, love ya, hobbit xx

OP posts:
familyofthree2014 · 07/01/2015 23:11

Feel like I'm going backwards inch by inch Sad

Think being back at work and juggling that with being on my own with two young children is taking a toll. Also going through a phase of not sleeping which doesn't help.

I have those rose spectacles on - I keep thinking how much easier my life would have been if he hadn't left. How he'd read the bedtime story while I had a bath or something. Or getting them ready for bed together rather than it being all on me. Hearing the eldest laugh with his Dad. It's all so wrong. That man doesn't exist anymore and I am so sad.

I feel like I wasn't good enough and that I have cost my children their father. He was not happy with me and our kids but is happy with her and the child they are expecting. The only change is me. I feel wretched. He never once told me of his apparent unhappiness. Even after it all came out he had nothing to say against me. It messes with my head because I keep trying to find answer to explain his behaviour but I just can't.

Sorry to offload, sometimes I think it just needs to get out. I'm sure I'll read it over in a few days and feel like an idiot.

WWK I really hope everything goes as well as it possibly can with the hearing, will be thinking of you.

WellWhoKnew · 07/01/2015 23:26

I think you should move into the pub - y'know take up full on 'alcoholism' aka JB (albeit just water with a hint of lime, sloppy olive for frippery matters) and get all rumbustious and 'not coping' 7 days a week....

Shame them into "O dos ffwcia 'na diar"

KOKO Cariad.

Hobbitwife001 · 07/01/2015 23:39

I've been there as well Family, only my children are 19 and 23 so I don't have the added pressure of a young family to care for, they look after me!
We are bound to have days when we feel overwhelmed, especially when you haven't had enough sleep, everything is harder then, it's takes so much more effort.
I had sleeping pills for a few days, but I know you can't do that, I also took Piriton, an anti-histamine, which does help you to relax. It's so hard to switch off the thoughts whirling round your head isn't it, about rejection and loss. But, you are just having an 'off' day, you are entitled to, you're going through hell at the moment, but keep on going and you will get through it, because we have to, we are the responsible ones, we are our family's 'rock'.
Your children love you, you love them, this is his loss, you did nothing to deserve this. Off load all you want, get it all out on here, every negative thought, word or deed, or write it in a journal, that's what I do, I can't say it to their faces but at least I get it out of my head. Take care of yourself. Xx

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 07/01/2015 23:43

Family....listen! The most difficult thing for me to deal with is the fact that I couldn't save the marriage for my kids. Like me, though, the choice wasn't yours to make. My kids recognise I did everything I could and he did sod all. I didn't point that out to them, either, they told me themselves.like me, you can't afford to beat yourself up about it, or even think about it. It's too much grief, it's misplaced and it won't help the kids. I've blocked it out as far as possible, and that's why I'm being so hard and direct with you, so I don't think too much about it.

My ex couldn't say the words to me, so he texted them. There were no reasons other than that he couldn't see how we could unravel things at this stage. It's his problem. And it's your H problem too. Their inability to deal with things.

Do not feel rejected. Recognise the difference between lack of self confidence and rejection.

My H also never gave me any warning. That's their problem.

I too have tried looking for answers. Read my posts from last night, and the reply from WWK, it helped me.

And yes, when you're not sleeping well and you're taking on a lot more at home, it's bloody difficult. There is also a lot of unfamiliar stuff to deal with. But as you tackle each one and achieve it, and get past the resentment that you have to take ages fathoming out something that he could have done easily....you will get a real sense of achievement, and you will gain so much confidence in tackling more things.

Rose coloured spectacles. The man no longer exists. My feelings too.

You're not alone, my love, we are all on this road, good days, bad days, steps forward, steps back.

You're right to let all these things out, it's good to offload. That's the point of this thread, that and to get and give support. In a few days time, you will hopefully read your post and feel better. But don't, don't, don't, feel like an idiot!

Xx

Hobbitwife001 · 07/01/2015 23:49

WWK, my bestie who is a solicitor has put forward a policy of strategic weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth, re - gaining sympathy from remaining villagers not already on teamhobbit, ( I'm thinking of having t-shirts printed) not many needed for teamtwunt obviously, only Lycra wearers need apply.
What do you think?......
Is it a goer?

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 07/01/2015 23:53

it's time for us all to move on, what's the point of recriminations and blame?
Obviously, they are fuckface's words not mine

I got something like it would be so unfair on all of us if we couldn't be friends

I have sometimes thought that I would like to be a lesbian. To save dealing with these tosspots. Slight flaw in the plan though as I don't fancy women Grin

WellWhoKnew · 07/01/2015 23:59

Family I've just seen your post in between my 'affectionate tongue-in-check' post to Hobbit, and have fought the zombie plan to say two things.

Firstly, thank you for your good wishes.

Secondly, I accept your feelings in entirety, but I didn't enjoy reading this: I have cost my children their father. The only debt that exists comes from the father to the children. You can't spend his values. Only he can.

I also read from your post that the 'bubble of her pregnancy' has yet to pop.

I've yet to meet a parent who hasn't tussled with the guilt of work v. the pressure of parenting. He buggered off and left you with that quandary twice over. So, if you feel you're not doing so well, please remind yourself you doing 'double time' because he abdicated. You didn't dismiss him.

Take care. KOKO.

Hobbitwife001 · 07/01/2015 23:59

Too true Izzie, that is a slight flaw in your plan, maybe consider bi? Hee Hee :)
Can I put you down for a Team Hobbit t-shirt?
KOKO. Hobbit,

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 08/01/2015 00:07

Hobbit, I was under strict instructions to 'behave myself'. It was, and remains, very good advice...

I was also instructions not to turn to social media.

Oh,

Shit.

Anyway, advice is always good. But, just sometimes, advice gets ignored.

I say no more.

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