Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

999 replies

Hobbitwife001 · 11/12/2014 23:34

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 06/01/2015 18:04

Izzie I think it's the route to madness trying to figure them out, but I am acutely aware I'm a hypocrite. I've got my mindset that this is not about him anymore, this is about me. I don't want to care (and thus try not to very hard) nor understand why he did what he did. I doubt he knows himself to be honest. It's just his values are very, very different from mine - and that is really stark to me now. My values are just fine and I'm comfortable with them.

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 06/01/2015 18:16

Yes, I'm with you there Izzie, it never really leaves your head does it? You can be distracted for an hour or two, but it is still there in the background even then, thoughts spinning round and round your mind, a malevolent merry-go -round chipping away at your self respect and mental well being.
I look forward to the day, ( and it will come for all of us ladies and drifting) when our heads are clear of betrayal, lying, faithless partners and predatory other women/men, it can't come soon enough for me. I'm sick of it, sick of feeling that hollow , empty feeling in my stomach, of feeling not good enough for them any more, so I'm getting angry, and I will use my anger to get through this, get the best settlement for myself and my son, and get on with enjoying my freedom and everything that my new life will bring.
HOBBIT, turning into the Incredible Hulk,
Ps he won't like me when I'm angry! X

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 06/01/2015 19:04

WWK you are a genius! Here is my version of yours:

This is not about him anymore, this is about me. I don't want to care or understand why he did what he did. There is no point in looking for any logical reasons when the other person is an emotional fuckwit incapable of seeing the most basic of relationship realities and is too arrogant to listen to what every other person is saying. I've said for many years that if he turned into his father I would either kill him or divorce him. He is now his father. That is all the reason and explanation I ever need to know.

Izzie595 · 06/01/2015 19:14

Shortened version:

He's turned into his father. He's gone. Just be fucking grateful.

Haha

Izzie595 · 06/01/2015 19:46

Hobbit, yes. Except I am well past not feeling good enough for him. Our anger, the gradual realisation of how many times we were treated with utter contempt, the fact that they still feel so entitled, that they take no responsibility for their actions, feel no guilt, and feel so fucking superior seeing our reactions to one of the most horrendously stressful, emotionally draining, frightening times in our lives......when you get there, you will certainly NOT feel you were not good enough for him

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 06/01/2015 19:50

It cannot come soon enough for us, all of us, that great, fateful day when we no longer give a flying fuck about them!

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 06/01/2015 20:07

He's turned into his father. He's gone. Just be fucking grateful.

Yep. That is the fact here too. Why that has happened, or how, I do not care. He is STB Not.My.Problem.com.

And, no, I don't feel selfish about that. I feel fine about it.

My feelings may change tomorrow. But that's how they are today.

Izzie595 · 06/01/2015 20:11

I've just remembered something. You know those odd moments that will stay with you. A month or so before he left, he was sitting in the kitchen in his dressing gown and pyjamas cutting up some large fruit and eating it at the same time. And I looked at him and I just thought, I fucking hate you.

He was and presumably still is going through some sort of fruit phase. Eatiing so much of it he must permanently have the shits. I used to refer to him as that fucking fruit bat.

Just rambling here, but it took me bloody ages, in fact well after he had left, to work out the reason why he always seemed to be buying new underwear. Strange I spotted all the subtle signs but missed the most obvious! Marks and Spencer no less. What a lady killer!!

Oh and I've just remembered, he's an average size, but he has these stupid stringy legs. In fact I point blank refused to ever let him wear shorts. Ever!

As we seem to have an underlying theme of song titles, here's my one: Ian Dury. Reasons To Be Cheerful......

Izzie595 · 06/01/2015 20:22

Drifting hoping to hear from you

Izzie595 · 06/01/2015 20:43

The point about some of these men is that they really are nothing special, but they act as though they are God's gift, generally because they have been fed that line by OW who see so little of them they don't really have any idea. I'm not saying we are necessarily anything special either (well, not pre their leaving), but sometimes amongst all our angst, heartbreak etc, we should really think about all those things and realise that maybe we too sometimes view them through rose coloured spectacles if we ever have thoughts of wishing we could reconcile. Which is deep in the back of my mind.

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 06/01/2015 20:56

Make sure it is VERY deep honey, I don't think reconciliation is on the cards is it? Just take care of yourself, xx

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 06/01/2015 21:15

It is very old feelings only. I left him once before. I should have had the guts to stay away that time

iwashappy · 06/01/2015 21:30

You've got plenty of guts Izzie.

Thinking of locking my rose coloured spectacles in the drawer! I don't bloody need them at the moment though. He was in the office before and I just wanted to go over and call him all the names under the sun. Now he's gone back over to OWs and I am still so bloody angry with him I wish I had gone over.

Izzie595 · 06/01/2015 22:07

Iwas, I'm so pleased to hear from you! I know how you feel. I can't post anything of any substance tonight because this has really put me right back to the nightmare years. I used up every bloody reserve known to man to get myself through that. If I ponder this any more, if i can't switch off from this, I will start to unravel.

Oh no. My H is going to seriously unravel in the next few months, big time, that I can guarantee. That is one of the reasons my brother told me to go for an early financial settlement, to get out before he implodes. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, because actually I'm a nice person. But at other times, like right now, I would happily stand there and watch him fall apart, and tell him to do us all a favour and take an overdose.

I'm glad you didn't go over to the office. Rant on here instead. My brother made a point about that. He said that ranting at them still shows you care, that you are bothered. Don't give them the satisfaction. It was another reason to go for the financial settlement. It was a clear message to him, put very calmly, that showed him that there really was no way back for him. If I told you the history of him and her, you would say that I have unwittingly played a blinder.

Izzie595 · 06/01/2015 22:31

Iwas, it's a case of them saying look at me, na na. Yeah, plenty of people are looking at them and seeing that if they could see further than the end of their egos, they would realise that they are a laughing stock. They throw away everything, alienate their children, and yes the vast majority bitterly regret their decisions. All too late because we are not that bloody stupid to go through all that again for anybody. We will have worked our way through our issues whilst they are still avoiding theirs

iwashappy · 06/01/2015 22:40

Hope you're okay Izzie. Some days you just don't function properly. Other days you know you can't breakdown and cry because you are scared that you won't ever stop. Other days you just want to rant and rave.

I hope you manage to get your financial settlement sorted out quickly. You can do this if you choose to. It is just hard having to go through months and months of stress, strain, upset and anger to get to the other side. There are plenty of times that it feels easier to turn around. But they are really, really not worth turning around for. You could go back and realise that when something (or someone) else happens again that you have just wasted all that hard work in getting to where we are now and then having to start going through it all again. No way. No man is worth feeling like this for.

I have plenty of times when I wish ill on him and that isn't me. But it is what he has done to me. I long for indifference.

Dickhead (he seems to have acquired a name) knows I care and that I am bothered. I hate that I still feel like that and that he knows.

I am sure you have played a blinder. You will get there as will we all.

Izzie595 · 06/01/2015 23:12

I am, thanks iwas. It's strange how one comment can stir up so much. Hobbit's post really got to me. It stirred up all those feelings of rejection I had over recent years. I'm amazed at how much. But, really, I don't feel rejected anymore, if you know what I mean. I mainly view him with contempt now.

Dickhead needs to be ignored. As people have said on your thread, it really gets to them. You know the phrase a picture paints a thousand words? Well, it seems that in these cases, silence is that picture. It works with my Twat, it puts him in his place.

Tonight's explosion from me has made me even more determined to break all contact with him once the finances have been settled. My sons are fine with that. Or to be more precise, his son and his virtually estranged son

Izzie595 · 06/01/2015 23:33

Hobbit, I'm so proud of myself. If ever there was going to be a night when I was going to go round and smash some windows and knock the living day lights out of two sickos, this was it. As it is, I haven't even picked up my phone.

Yeah!!

Izzie595 · 06/01/2015 23:34

Drifting, been thinking about you today. Let us know how it went

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 07/01/2015 00:03

Izzie, very well done on your powers of restraint, if I could I would give you a medal for bravery in the face of severe provocation, I would call it 'The Order of the Twunt' , lots of love, hobbit, catch you all tomorrow, xx

OP posts:
iwashappy · 07/01/2015 00:26

That's good Izzie. I have found that even the most innocuous comments can stir everything up. You shouldn't ever feel rejected, although it is so easy to have self doubt when you realise that you are not enough for your husband.

I intend to ignore dickhead. A picture certainly does paint a thousand words and especially in yellow!!

You do whatever feels right for you and your sons. I am sure you will make the right decision. You should be proud of yourself.

Drumdrum60 · 07/01/2015 00:46

Just to say iwas you sound so different these days. So much more independent and informed. Maybe it's a godsend that you got out of that box he kept you in. Wonderful to see.

WellWhoKnew · 07/01/2015 01:47

Izzie are you keeping 'office hours' when you have to deal with him? It's a technique whereby you set your time/day of the week and respond only to those emails which YOU need to respond to. Anything he needs from you, may get filed in the FYI (Fuck You Idiot) folder if it's of no benefit to you. But nothing gets responded to on his schedule, only according to your 'working' hours. All written sentences are dull, neutral and really simple just like a Mrs Dullard Bureaucrat. It's a mindset of you taking control and treated your divorce like a job to be done. It kind of helps you feel a little more in control of things.

And for other top tips on how to piss off your STBXH please pay $69.69 to WWK's (not on Form E) bank account and in return she will send you her personal guarantee of how to ensure you enrage your STBXH to the extent he drags you all the way to a Final Hearing...Grin

KOKO one and all.

drifting2015 · 07/01/2015 10:30

Hi all will post later when I can . Thanks for remembering me. Will update later.

greenberet · 07/01/2015 11:22

sorry havent read posts! panic thread
Fk - im doing it again - stalking the bloody twitter but so much can be revealed - there has been a mention of "Rome" a week or so ago and now a link to a cruise company -& shes on about her 2nd birthday - DH is refusing to provide personal bank statements even though sol has said courts will not view this well with my current health situation - had a good day yesterday but have just plummeted - he goes AWOL when not with kids so not sure what hes up to - gut feeling was so right in all previous situations. Its not what hes doing its the deviousness - and that he is still bloody controlling me! I think my counsellor very nearly thought I could go on my own yesterday - so glad I have kept her on -well i like your FYI folder - im going to need some help from you when you have got yourself through your bit