Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

Older son asked twat to take him out driving, as he wants to take manual test, he only has auto licence. That's the second time he's arranged to meet him here. Except son has told him to meet him up the road. I checked with son that he wasnt coming in. Overriding reason because I haven't hidden all the papers I've been photocopying. No. Good. There's something quite satisfying knowing he's not invited in. So near the family home but feeling he's not part of it now. I wonder how it feels being yards from your own house, knowing that your other son can't be bothered to think about going outside to say hello.

He made his bed etc.

I'm feeling stronger. I'm on top of this.

Do you think it was our 'bad luck' though? I look back and think it was because I was this strong, confident, adventurous woman that attracted him to me. And then his pernicious, nasty, mind-altering self started doing his number on me, like he did with wife no. 1, like he did with the 'stand-in' between wives...

I actually think that he's in for a shock when we finally (if bloody ever) get to Final Hearing and he realises two things: I fell apart for six months and secondly, that strong, confident, adventurous woman is back. And she's reclaiming 50% of the marital pot.

She's hit the gin tonight - his credit cards are maxed out. His bank activity is practically none existent. His salary goes in, and then vanishes. Completely. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I have a SHB who is costing me per day the same as he earns...

Greenberet, the biggest thing my kids have taken from all of my stuff is that you can't keep stuff buried, hoping it will all disappear. I explained the difference between me and him as me being a saucepan with the lid loose. Steam is let off gradually, but nothing disastrous happens. He is the saucepan with the lid firmly in place. And one day, under pressure, the whole lot just explodes. It's happened a few times in my marriage. And it's why I'm here today. The younger son is definitely mine. The older one is more his father's. But I'm pleased and relieved that he's able to express so much more nowadays. Last time there was a major blow, he just avoided the whole thing. This time he has faced it all head on, and I can talk to him about it.

Hi Green, nice to see you back, very insightful post, you sound so much more positive.

I think that as well Izzie, about him coming to the house, but then a little voice in my ear says ' Ah, but he has got what he wants now hasn't he? And it isn't you, the house means nothing compared to her' and then I feel shit again. :(

WWK this is the stuff of nightmares.

All the emotional stuff may, in the end, be the least of our problems.

I don't know what to say

Hobbit, rephrase that to "he THINKS he has got what he wants now, doesn't he"

Hobbit, you come across as a wonderful fun filled person, and this during some of your darkest days. You are witty, warm and intelligent.

What sort of person throws away his family life with you for.....

So clearly, his opinion is worth Jack Shit!

Hobbit, a year ago I felt all those feelings of rejection etc. I had forgotten them.

Cue "I Will Survive"

Move onto "I'm Still Standing"

Finish with "The Bitch Is Back"

Yeah!!

Hello everyone. Just been catching up!

green - liked your post about how we can talk to our children about the realities of life and marriage after this experience. I was so unbelievably naive and although I don't want this to damage their perception of love or marriage, I also don't want them to be so blindly trusting as I was. It's a difficult balance - especially when their father is the example of how not to behave.

WWK - not sure about bad luck either. After hours upon hours of thinking about what went wrong, I think I have worked out that a big aspect of it was that my ex liked feeling superior to me (and everyone else for that matter). In the beginning I was young and naive and I thought he was the best thing ever - I must have been the biggest ego boost. Then over the years he continued to fail and the dissatisfaction with life set in whereas I progressed in my career and felt content with what I had. He had such high hopes for himself and instead of thinking 'well maybe I'm not going to change the world but I'll be the best Dad and husband I can be instead' - he sought the feeling of superiority from others. And during the most vulnerable time of my life in the most disgusting way imaginable. I think he wanted to be worshipped again and I just wasn't willing to do that. I really hope it was worth it.

hobbit - I'm sorry you feel like that. I can't imagine that he doesn't care about the house you shared. I think they have to block out everything from their past because it is too painful for them to face what they have lost and what they did to lose it. Mine has denied ever being happy with me. At the time of hearing that I felt physical pain for days after but when you rationalise it - it makes no sense. Like Izzie has said - we have to hold on to how we remember things because there were good times, even if they are too cowardly to admit it to themselves (or the OW).

I feel like I have turned a corner the last couple of days. I feel a huge sense of relief that I am not him - anyone else??

Yes, you are right, only time will tell, but I have bet my bestie that ff will marry bf in the next two years, if not before. I just get this gut feeling, (and i am sure it's not indigestion)that as she is all he has now, no close family, estranged from a lot of our mutual friends, damaged relationship with his sons, he will want to make sure he has some kind of stable future with her.
He has given up everything to have a relationship with her and has this romantised ideal in his head. Now maybe this will happen, or maybe , as I am fervently hoping, he will fall flat on his arse when she realises he isn't George Clooney, more of a ageing looney.
My other bestie, who is a solicitor , thinks that she has found her meal ticket and will hang on for the days of wine and roses and the large pension.
I am inclined to agree with her, as she has seen every permutation of divorce shenanigans, and can smell a calculating, conniving , bitch a mile off.
Oh ladies, feeling a bit woe is me tonight, hobbit, sorry Drifting, forgot you , have a good first day back tomorrow......

Hobbit, have you posted a background to all of this?

Meantime, must go to bed now.

Tomorrow, as they say, is another day.

Hope you feel more positive tomorrow

Hobbit he's got what he thinks he wants. But he has yet to realise what he's lost.

As I always reminded myself my self-fulling prophesy: Your decision to divorce devastates me and relieves you. The act of divorce relieves me and devastates you. Only NIK! Now I know.

You're the loss. So are your sons. And you (because I know nothing of your sons) are his loss, and our gain. You're witty. You're strong (even though you probably feeling everything other than that right now). You're the woman who started a thread that got us all opening up and talking. You're the woman who started a march. So, hell yes, his loss. Our gain. So you're having a tough day today. That's okay - you're absolutely okay to feel sorry for yourself. But you're still the woman who got lots of us talking, which helps all of us find our self-respect. Tells me quite a bit about you.

Take care. KOKO. WWK.

But really, why should I care? At least I don't have to put up with the grumpy fucker any more, just feeling maudlin tonight, not like me. Nos dda everyone, hobbit, not feeling bobbity :(

It really is horrible and the ups and downs in themselves are tiring. You think you're getting somewhere and then you feel awful again.

Why do you think if he were to get married then that would make sure he had a stable future with her? I know it sounds harsh but he has shown that he can not keep to his vows. I don't see why it would be any different again. And don't say it's because she must be different - she's not. Arguably she is much much worse.

And if he holds on to her - because he has nothing else - that is not a very nice relationship is it.

Hobbit you haven't lost anything. You don't strike me as a careless woman. You strike me as a woman who just cares. The grumpy fucker stole your future, robbed you of your rightful self-esteem and left you with the responsibility, whilst he gets on his soapbox about his rights.

But with rights, comes responsibility. That's the balance. You can't have one, without t'other. However, 'standing up for your rights' takes a certain amount of confidence, self assurance, and belief you're not wrong. Trouble you got is: he's zapped your confidence, you haven't got a fucking clue about assurance and you feel wronged.

That's my view. For what's it is worth.

And at some point this eloquent woman will learn English grammar. Proper like, to match her cut glass accent.

What it is worth

Oh WWK, your words always make everything seem better, you should be prescribed on the NHS, as a general pick me up for all things twunt related.
I would not have started this thread without your initial encouragement, so
Praise be that I posted on yours , got a lovely comment from you and decided to take the plunge and put my story on here.
By the way I am not the least bit religious but will be saying a prayer for you and keeping everything crossed, ( fingers/check, legs/check, eyes/ double check) that you will have the very best of outcomes in your final hearing.
I just hope I don't get struck down from on high for my cheek in using some god-bothering metaphors in my post! Ok so, as Mrs Doyle would say, (ride me sideways, that's another one,) Nos dda, again. Xx

Family, I just think I have this skewed vision of the life they are having together now, like WWK says, my confidence and self esteem have been battered beyond all recognition, and I am fighting my way back to who I was before he devestated me. I haven't put up the whole sorry story of his betrayal, maybe I will do that tomorrow . I think basically I have this fantasy in my head that he will come back begging me to forgive him- and I will have the greatest pleasure in telling him to fuck right off , but I just know that isn't going to happen. I want to hurt him like he has hurt me, and now I sound like a petulant teenager! Oh, fucking hell , what's wrong with me tonight? Better go to bed, before I ring the Samaritans. They'd probably hang up on me as well, I'm a silly cow!xx

You're not a cow. And you're not silly.

You're a mature woman being put under tremendous stress, and, no sorry, AND, coming to terms with a complete deception. So what if he comes back begging. So what if he doesn't. Ring the Samaritans. Ring Women's Aid. Ring me. Just stop pretending you're tough and start screaming 'shit this is hard'. 'Tis all I did. I am doing okay. Not brilliant. Not badly. Just okay.

And right now, okay is mighty bloody fine. So, no, I'm not here to judge you, condemn you, compete with you or hurt you. I'm just here to say, after 27 years, two months. You are doing just okay. Good enough for me. Just okay for you.

I won't name names. But the most ludicrous PM I ever got from a woman in our situation began... "I need you to know something really bad about me"

And I wondered if I really need to know.

And it turned out what she'd done was fuck all.

And now, she'll agree she'd done fuck all wrong.

But at the time, such was her headfuck, she needed to confess to me because she though she was abusing my kindness.

And I couldn't for the life of me work out what the fuck she'd done wrong.

She's a friend for life. A total inspiration to me.

KOKO.

Hobbit hope you are feeling a bit better today - I have been in & out of this site over the year - always looking for support and advice and getting it - but something about this thread has "caught" me and that is down to you. I have mostly been on MN when I have been feeling nowhere else to turn - exhausted all my RL support, kids perhaps with DH, just generally feeling cant take anymore. Somehow I feel I should be getting over it - its been going on a long time- everybody else seems to be moving on with their lives, making plans etc and I still feel i am stuck in this hell hole - going round in circles and sometimes can't even be bothered to get out of bed! only you ladies understand this - only someone that has gone/is going through this truely gets it. I second everything WWK says and it was not your bad luck - it was his - the strong confident woman was always there - just didn't have the need to be constantly asserting herself - i am exactly the same - what attracted him to me in the first place " i was the woman he thought out of his league" - yep and boy are you going to know this! infact my phrase for today is - "DH - i still am" - I am nowhere near the end of this "challenge" - infact it is probably just starting as I am now going to be dealing with the financials and this is where its really going to start hurting DH - WWK - i may well be pming you for some advice izzie - I like your saucepan idea - will be using that too and yes may be with you on the emotional stuff may be the least of our problems - hi family sorry you are in the same boat & drifting, ideserve- you will get great support here - keep posting, keep pouring it all out - there is no judgement here as WWK said - we have all been there - maybe at different times but that is what is so great about this place - there is always someone a few steps ahead to tell you you will get through this as difficult as that sometimes is to believe. KOKO!

Thank you green, that was lovely of you to say, I think I knew a crash was coming, and now I've had it and it's time to move on up again, (moving on up, isn't that a song! )
WWK, you have always been an inspiration to me, and continue to be one, so thank you for your kind words when I need them the most.
I had read someone's comment on another thread about how their ex had proposed to his ow before he was even divorced, and that sent me on a downward spiral for some reason as I thought, 'yes , I think mine will do that ' I discussed it with my bestie and she was adamant that it wouldn't happen, but I just feel it is something he would do. So only time will tell, ladies-and drifting, I just feel it would be another kick in the teeth to me, that he would move on so quickly after such a long marriage.
But then the sensible side of me speaks up and says why would you be bothered anyway? At least you don't have to put up with the snoring, farting, cycling obsessed bore, ( god I hated having to pretend to be interested in that fucking shite) Good riddance! It's like I have an evil twin at the moment, pouring poison in my ear, undermining my confidence.
Sorry, ranting now, but it's cheaper to do it here than in counselling, £60 a hour, I can vent for days on here for free! Hobbit, feeling a little bit more bobbity today......

and just to add there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with any of us on here -None of us have caused immense pain, torment, anguish to anybody else because something is "missing" in our lives - what these men (mostly) dont get is the bit that is "missing" is in their head - nothing will compensate for this apart from a very long hard cold stare at themselves - and none of them have the courage or strength to do this! its them not us!

Hobbit Moving on up - I think is by M People and about a cheater! Apt. Beat the shit out of the evil twin. 'Tis my advice.

Green you're welcome to PM but do bear in mind I'm not a solicitor so I might not know the answers! I can try though.

Right more divorce paperwork to go drown in...

I'm getting increasingly irritated by the fact that I feel I need to have some closure on my marriage, ie where and why it went wrong. The affair was a consequence, I know that. But, on the other hand, does the affair in itself override everything else to the point of irrelevance? Or rather, all that went with the affair, ie the lack of respect etc shown to me, rather than the actual deed. Should I just focus on how things are now, how he treats me in the present? All sorts of similar questions.

I don't know which one of these I need answers to, or whether I need to focus on just me.

The point is, he has been a part of my adult life for 32 years. That's longer than my parents.

I know some of the answers. I have the bare bones of the essay, as it were. But I don't know how to structure the essay and write the conclusion.

I'm thinking that closure would allow me to finally lay it to rest and mentally move on.

Whatever, though, it's doing my head in. I keep going round and round it. Or rather, I'm having trouble putting those thoughts out of my head.

All I know is that once everything is sorted, I will be totally non contact, without being difficult, if you know what I mean. I've had too long being dominated by him and her. Her behaviour has been sick and vile beyond belief. I made it clear to him a long time ago that I wanted her out of my life and my head, and that I would do anything it took to achieve that. He is still with her. Therefore he goes.

So many times I've used the phrase "it's all about you". And I just feel that my thoughts keep reinforcing that.

I have been incredibly lucky that prior to my marriage, once a relationship was over, I never clapped eyes on them agin, by luck rather than judgment. At the ending of a 32 year relationship, I just want that same scenario. So I really can start to forget. As much as that is possible.

I'm rambling now. I'm frustrated.

Thinking about my last post, some of what I've said is incorrect. But the point is, the general idea of thoughts going round and round is really annoying