Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

Hi yes I was being brave . It just comes back & bang hits you. Returning to work tomorrow after two weeks sick & I know its the best thing to do.

I have seen a comment one day at a time - sometimes I wonder what will the next hour hold.

Crikey it does hurt and you feel weak legged , sick, hopeless, so I do know I have got to my feet but it does knock you down again doesn't it ?

I find myself staring into space & wonder how I drove three miles from my brothers and don't recall any of the journey ? GP says getting back to routine has to be for the best even though it is hard so that is what I will do. I am trying not to bore friends too much but you know, just typing it gets it out of the system .

I have been writing in a journal too . Anything to stop the pain eating away . I think from my post this morning ( positive ) yes, you can all see I am not even probably on the way back up yet .

I am so grateful for this thread and the MN help because when I have nobody to talk to I don't feel alone ? It seems that we're all in the same " boat " I never thought this would happen in my life & that is probably the hardest point, what is going on this isn't real ?

Drifting going back to work is a huge step forward. I found the first day incredibly difficult. But my employers were very supportive for quite a long time , shortening my hours and arranging cover etc. For me it was about stepping out into the big scary world. The reality is that it's a step towards normality. All the mindfuck going on at home, it's some relief from it

Drifting it starts as an every five minute thing, then becomes an every hour thing, then an every day thing...and before you know it, you're sort of changing and getting used to it, and getting over it. So just be kind to yourself.

Anyway, I'm off to drown in a sea of paperwork. It is going shit over here! I shall update later once I have found some air.

Drifting before I returned to work I told those I wanted to know. Some just a one liner. Told them to keep it to themselves. That way I could get away from it for a while. I told a few people once I returned but struggled to get the words out. I found the first 20 mins each day the toughest, that's a quiet time for me. After that of I was busy I managed to forget for a while. Going home time was tough for a while. The vast majority of people I work with don't know about the split. A few I've mentioned to recently just because it was relevant to the conversation. But at that stage I felt ok about saying it. I had a full week off but still couldn't manage a whole week afterwards so had to call in some days. Don't underestimate how tiring it is if your appetite not back to normal. And just aim to cruise in work for a bit.

WWK thinking of you

Drifting just do whatever you need to do. It's initially about survival. It helped me to continue to decorate. Partly I had no choice. But to me it's important when everything is going tits up that I have some control over my own environment. Therefore it was right for me. Also it meant there were some positives in my life. I've got a lot of decorating and sorting done. It's some consolation. Also I sort of resent all the time the grief takes up. This is because my story is longer and more complicated. There is only so much of my life that I can have dominated by others. It sounds like I'm a long way ahead of the process. In some ways yes. But emotionally I haven't really cut the ties. I am blocking that out to a certain extent, very unlike me. But at the moment it's not something I wish to dwell on too much. I had my moments, but I think things will become clearer in time anyway.

Izzie595 . Will post more later but it is so helpful to see people still post comments and give encouragement whilst they are still going through rubbish and pain . Still bumping into people and having to tell them ExW has gone. Thats hard to keep doing but I guess I have made progress because I don't cry as much now in fact tonight don't think I did shed a tear at all . Plenty more opportunities though I am sure in the near future. Thank goodness for MN.

Drifting, one day I just decided to tell everyone I wanted to know, just to get it out of the way, so I texted people. The ones I had less contact with I sent my Xmas cards with a note inside, again I got them all written early to get it done.

When we rip into the men on this thread, you know we don't include you in this, of course. Sometimes it helps to think that all men are fucking twats!! In which case we will accept it if you say that all women are.....fucking twats?? It just faintly amused me to think of you reading this and hear us slagging off so many men. It's not really the case, it's just that we all seemed to have married into the same family.....

OMG Mr Organised Twat is off on a roll, happy as a pig in muck going through the bank statements. Oh he loved doing all the financial stuff. He said to me once that if we split up he would miss doing all that. What a sad fucker! He's being all pleasant , but asking have I done this, that, but not the other, cos that's his dept ho ho! I'm sure I've already done these things, but now I better go check. Going to send a friendly businesslike reply, as that seems to keep him in order.

It's good to ridicule them. It's like a bottomless pit of entertainment.

When I finally was ready to tell the world (and I so wish I had told people sooner) I told the local gossip, and got that dealt with very effectively!

Saved face in a way...

STBXH is an utter arse. I have just finished his bank statements, which given in took me days to do previously, tells you all you need to know about his 'disclosure'. I am going to drink some gin.

Take care, one and all. It really does get easier but do be kind to yourselves in the interim.

Hobbit hope you're KOKOing.

Well well I reckon he will come running back now. I'm a changed woman. No longer do I stuff papers in a drawer and ignore. I've gone back to him with dates, amounts, the lot. I could send a pic of myself draped in bank statements and tax returns. How could he resist that!

WWK what an utter bastard. Thinking of you

Hi WWK, ha ha I did the same thing as you, told the village gossip and it was round the houses in no time at all! I was going to stand in the square with a loudhailer and proclaim what a twat and a twunt they both were, but decided against it in the end. Not very dignified mother, my sons said.

I do understand drifting, it is very difficult to tell people, I was worried about breaking down as well, but in general people are very kind and are just concerned about you. I also asked my bestie to tell as many people as she could as well, to take some of the pressure off me. Fuckface, of course didn't tell anyone, he is such a coward, not even his own brother, I sent him a Christmas card with just mine and the boys names on it, and I think he thought he was dead or something, (I wish) I explained he had left two months ago to be with ow. He couldn't believe it! All victor meldrew like!
Catch you later all, hobbit, still KOKO ing.....

Family, going back to your earlier post, don't feel embarrassed about him. People change, as you say. I think it's fair to say that the person most of us married has changed, rather than we were duped.

Hobbit, you are definitely going nuts! It's great when things are on an up, isn't it? I've been listening to the kids doing their usual banter. It's so nice to hear them being daft after all those dark days.

Hobbit, I'm still impressed about Fontella posting on this thread. I want to tell people! Tell you what, if AnyFucker posts on this thread, I won't be able to contain myself!!

Ah Hobbit, I loved that last post of yours. I can't stop laughing

Back at work Tuesday . Going to have a bath & glass red wine. I seem to have gone backwards tonight I guess being stuck indoors doesn't help. My neighbour has been cooking meals for me including tonight & get this 30 years ago she too was left for OW ! Having that support is incredible, MN is invaluable it really is. I am shaking at the moment with nerves at the thought of getting up for work. But I know its for the best. I sometimes feel this is a surreal experience & cannot be happening. Like I am in a daze ? I know I am lucky too having RL support. It is incredibly hard & I wouldn't wish this on anyone ? Sorry if this seems me me me but how I feel .

Izzie - yes a lot of men do it but do as I have said earlier perhaps men are too embarrassed to post ? I am certainly not because I appreciate the warmth & replies. Thanks again everyone.

Drifting, I will be thinking of you tomorrow. You will be taking a huge step forwards.

I may join you, metaphorically, for a glass tonight. I rarely drink nowadays, but I have a bit of a resolution to start it up again. I owe it to myself to start a new resolution, owing to the fact that I have broken one already, about not smoking in the house.......

Dear Drifting, please do not think that because you have a dangly appendage you cannot be in our 'gang'. We are all here to support each other, bad things happen to good people, and you are one of those. Men traditionally do not discuss their feelings or show emotion, as it is not considered to be' manly', but you have shown yourself to be a truly decent man who feels very let down by his wife and is seeking help and advice on learning how to cope with the aftermath. Just because your wife has left and not a husband, doesn't make the pain and loss any less, and if posting helps in some small way then just carry on doing it until you start to feel you are turning the corner, and you WILL , just like we all WILL , it just takes time. Hobbit, feeling very impatient how much time it's taking..... Xx

Remember, Drifting, marriage breakdown etc is up there as one of the most stressful experiences in life. I really don't think anyone who hasn't experienced it can understand the full impact. You are doing well, you are giving your emotions free reign, it's all part of it. Each tear shed is one less to do in the future.

Hobbit's post to Drifting, exactly! If my twat had discussed his feelings and shown emotion....... In best CJ voice (from Reggie Perrin ) "I didn't get where I am today by having Mr Twat discussing his feelings and showing emotion"

Hey Izzie, now when Cog posts, that's when we know we've hit the big time!
Cog is my all time favourite! Apart from you WWK , you know that :)

No, when you're dumped it's about YOU, and bloody rightly so! It's you who is hurting, and only you can feel it. There's no bruises to show off, no open 'war wounds' nothing. So, I feel strongly about this: a little bit of self-absorbed introspection is a good thing at a time like this. However, if it's being hyper-critical and nasty to yourself, then the bully in your head needs beating up good and proper.

I have VooDoo doll, well, when it's not misplaced I will have. I will beat up that bully - as I'm getting quite used to dealing with them (whilst simultaneously hiding behind SHL and SHB)...

Hobbit, I think AF has a rarity value. And a good name! Which is very adaptable to seasonal changes. So she is my favourite. .

Hi Drifting. I really feel for you. And as hobbit says, just because you have a sticky-out appendage rather then internal plumbing doesn't mean your pain is any less than ours. Betrayal and disloyalty are horrendous to endure, whoever you are, and we all understand.
I utterly hate/loathe/despise/wish dead my stbxfw, but I have friends who are married to amazing guys. Just my bad luck, along with our merry band on here, to have picked a bad'un. We do all know, in our ranty moments, that you're not all the same.
Good luck with work tmrw. I would say "chin up, tits out", but that hardly seems appropriate! You get my drift tho!

hello ladies - just been catching up - you lot have given me a right laugh tonight and I could actually have written every thread - its actually a great comfort knowing that "its not me" - others sadly are experiencing exactly the same thing - the ups, the downs, the I want to kill you phase! somehow i feel a bit better today - nothings changed - hes still being an arse but i think its having got through the xmas period and I can say to myself i did it! I was actually posting this time last year - my world fell apart a week before xmas and I can remember AF posting saying OW and me saying no i must be the exception - no OW! how we live & learn - and thats what i'm taking out of all this - my whole marriage has been one hell of a learning curve - 20 years ago I thought I knew who I was and what was important - 20 years later I know! - it doesnt matter who you think you are or what you have because unless you have honesty, truth and respect you are nothing - this is what I will be teaching my kids - if they get this then everything I have gone through will be worth it because without him behaving like a complete and utter dick I wouldn't have learnt this lesson! - so there is always something to be grateful for - my kids and I will be better people thanks to him - and him - he has to live with himself at the end of the day!