Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

me: an intelligent bloody woman who for 15 years believed every piece of shit that man said

It's called trust.

Sorry to barge in but have been following this thread and just astonished these men are all the same! My nearly ex ( divorce in court on 14th) apparently left me not the children. He's seen them once in the last month. An hour when he was too hungover to do anything with them. His mother says affair was my fault as I was controlling. Interesting watching his life unravel now 'controlling' has gone. Living with girlfriend's parents ( aged 40) in massive debt, miserable, ruined his life. What has astounded me reading this is how they all morph into one, the lies, parasitic leaching on to new woman. Happy 2015, life will get better without these idiots!

FamilyOfThree, I think he doesn't like me taking control of the paperwork, so is deliberately obstructive there. Suddenly I want access to this, that and the other and have changed a few things, and he doesn't like it. So he ignores my emails.

Texting, when I get unpleasant I think it helps him feel better about his decision to leave. It was clearly a difficult decision to walk out, so I help to validate that by getting nasty.

Popping round, I just delivered the statements, and it was clear I didn't want to engage. I don't think he got a kick out of me doing it, I think he would have known it was because I didn't want him coming to the marital home to collect in the week. I've gone ballistic before when he's said about coming round to collect things, he knows I don't want it unless it's been my decision.

Yes, I'm definitely not engaging now. Have not risen to the bait, kept emails friendly businesslike. Businesslike only would wind him up and create more crap. Friendly businesslike gives him nothing to get his teeth into.

I've had a reply to my last email just now. He was very conciliatory, probably realised he'd been a prick. Told me I could make the changes if I wanted. Well I just told him the reasoning behind the changes, but said I'd reversed them anyway. Left it at that. Didn't bother replying to his suggestion that we could have a chat about it when it suited me. This is all about the bank account and budget account, by the way.

I suppose there was always a control issue in the marriage. I generally got my own way with most things, but he always took time to come round, eg wanting wooden flooring throughout the house etc. I tended to defer to him on major financial issues like changing cars, but generally I made my own decisions about everything else. I suppose I'm now stepping into his territory, as he sees it. He has yet to grasp the fact, it would seem, that the financial settlement I have in mind will have me running my own finances. We previously said we would take financial matters slowly, but I've suddenly pushed ahead for it all to be sorted. He's losing control of it, and he doesn't like it.

Onmyown feel free to barge in, you are very welcome. Glad you are nearly through the process. And always very pleased to hear yet more stories about how the lives of these men unravel. Which, let's face it, they entirely deserve for what they did to their wives, and perhaps more importantly, their kids.

Mine has seen little of his kids since he left. Probably not deliberately, in fairness, but because of time etc. what he must be recognising now is that a lot of time spent with the kids is the general banter and the coming and going when the family all lives together. There is no substitute for that, certainly not with adult kids. I can't imagine mine being able to keep a conversation going with either of mine for a solid hour......

Of course, it doesn't help that one of the sons isn't really interested in seeing him. He has damaged that relationship too much to ever revert back to how it was.

Iwas, I thought I had it bad because my ex twunt had moved in with the ow 300 yards away, but to have them shacked up next door to you ! Talk about shitting on your own doorstep! That is despicable, how can they do that to you and your children? It shows total disregard for your feelings.
All of our men put together wouldn't make one decent human being, never mind good husbands and fathers.
Izzie, you are on a roll, girl, ticking all the boxes and getting all your ducks in a row, I need to start getting my own plan under way, luckily for me, one of my best friends is the shitest hottest divorce solicitors in the area , so I can always count on her to give me sound advice.
Green, are you ok? Give us a quick post to let me know you are coping with the shit you are forced to endure. I am feeling surprisingly positive at the moment, just waiting for the crash to happen soon. :(

I have just noticed the time! Bath, bed and work tomorrow. Catch up tomorrow.

Another day done, one nearer to indifference!!

All of our men put together......

The mind boggles.

Oh so now I have another email saying oh yes that's ok what you wanted to do, and I will do these adjustments blah blah blah. All to do with my new budget account

Oh fuck off!

Izzie - Sounds like you know exactly how to handle him. Mine turned in to a completely different person and it took me months to find a way to communicate with him. I believe he is mentally unstable so his thought process is completely illogical and irrational so it took some navigating and minimal contact works best. I guess I didn't mean I intentionally tried to wind him up (which I think may be how my post reads) but that I hated the thought of letting him know he had got to me. Like when he kept reducing the money he paid, I replied 'thanks for letting me know' which must have been more frustrating than 'I can't believe what a disgrace you are...' Even though my drafts folder is filled with emails of what I'd like to say!

Hi onmyown - yes I got exactly the same 'I betrayed you, not them' and 'I left you, not them.' They have to find a way to justify their behaviour but there isn't one; not one that actually makes sense anyway.

FamilyOfThree if I knew how to handle him, I would still be married haha. But yes, maybe for this part I'm being smarter now.

And I love your replies to him about the money. Well done! Totally took the wind out of his sails, I'm sure.

The point about leaving you and not the kids. My 22 year old son said to me "he's left us". My reply was "no he hasn't, he's left me" [ but wishing I had said otherwise!]. And my son's reply was, "no, he's left all of us". The men can say what they like, but their kids will think what they will.

Family I can't imagine the stress I'm under either, but thankfully I'm under it, and migraines, gin, fags and marvellous weightloss aside, it is MN and the utterly amazing women that support this site who have kept me going (I won't name anyone - Izzie DON'T name him publicly, please don't!). The support I've received has been phenomenal, humbling, motivating and inspiring. All of these women are dumped or in litigation hell, or just very empathetic, kind people. Whether they've posted something funny and amusing, a KOKO or the 'behind the scenes stuff' - it's these women that have gotten me to here. I'm not just doing this for me any more (after all, I didn't believe I was worth it when he left!) I'm going into my FH knowing that everyone wants me to be okay, to do the best I can, and because I won't let me down, and I won't let them down, I'm kind of okay but simultaneously resentful about going into a FH! But I never chose this. He did. I just have to manage it. Just like the last 15 years of my life. After that, he's gone. And I'm away!

Hobbit thank you for providing a lovely place for others sharing your situation to talk about themselves, share your pain, share their pain and get us all to the next chapter of our lives. KOKO.

Family I've just realised that reads awful. I meant to say, I'm with you on this! It's shockingly shit and you have my sympathy and gratitude for taking the time to write about your situation.

WWK we are all routing for you. Your posts come across as you being a strong woman. Clearly not how you were when he first left, judging by your aside in your last post. You can hold your head up high, for how you've got through it all, for knowing that you would have handled the financial settlement in a fair and civilised manner if at all possible.

There are so many stories on MN of women who have got through the most horrendous things and come out so strong and together. Fontella, who posted on the iwas thread, she is so strong. Yet looking back, I saw a glimpse of where she had come from. No, we don't shrivel up and cower in the corner. We face it all, deal with it and find happiness.

I am fairly new to MN, only been posting my personal stuff since NYE. I am so grateful that I started doing so.

And Hobbit, yes a number of us, including me, have hijacked your thread. Well, the best thread I ever saw was one that was also hijacked by a number of others. I sat and read each story, one by one, over the course of a week, coincidentally a week before my H announced he was leaving. In that thread, lasting 6 months, each woman blossomed and became happy. That thread was some 3/5 years old. It is time MN had a similar one. This is it, ladies!

KOKO WWK.

4.45am, wide awake. Grrrr! Another reason to hate the bastard!
I agree, WWK, thank you hobbit, for, I hope, not minding that we're using your thread as a place to vent and share. I too have gained so much strength from MN. And the courage to stand firm and not crumble when dealing with a powerful and manipulative man.
Familyofthree I am now absolutely certain we are married to the same man! But now I have removed all his means of control its really amusing (and actually quite pitiful) watching him flap about trying to regain it, trying to work out how to unsettle me, trying to always be one step ahead (when actually he's so far behind its laughable). Its taken me this long to realise I've enabled this behaviour for years, two decades of my life that I'll never get back. I'm so angry with him for the way he's treated me, but almost more angry with myself. Like WWK says, me, an intelligent woman, not able to see through him. And now I wonder how many people without that emotional investment really did see through him and were afraid to tell me. Or worse, thought less of me for putting up with him.
God I hate him! And 4months down the line he still won't fuck off and I can still bloody hear him snoring in the spare room!

The hardest thing is questioning your past. Looking back and feeling the victim of a fraud. How real was that 'love' if it could all suddenly vanish and the person you thought was on your side turns into a manipulative, heartless cheat. That's what I struggle with. Like hobbit's original post it's the lies and deceit and taking away of what you thought was your reality. I question my judgement marrying a man who is now waltzing round with a tart half his age leaving me bringing up four young kids alone. I never thought this would be me. Reading through these posts we're all in that same boat. Coming to terms with your stability, shared history, all the years of investment being taken away is horrific. Having said that I do think it's these sad shallow men who ultimately pay the price. We will emerge triumphant!

The love was there originally. It wasn't all a sham. Try not to torture yourself about that. Off to work shortly. I just want to stay at home in my safe little bubble today.

Little things to make me smile, just seen the Harvey and Harmony advert. Everything stops for me when I see that. So cute

HNY all . I am a male in the same position as it seems all posters. I am going through the same scenario now, only six weeks in . It is my fault she left despite professing undying love in the weeks leading to walking out ! Yes I know it is the same every time isn't it ?

I feel like I have lost all memories of my wife & the person that is being abusive now over possessions & coming to collect them is a stranger ?

I have found MN superb support. Just reading helps because this happens daily to women & men but men are perhaps scared / embarrassed of showing their feelings. I am not. I was devastated six weeks ago but even now I have improved. My bottom line is I never did anything wrong, I didn't cheat, lie, deceive or twist the facts. I loved cared and supported. I did nothing wrong & when it gets nasty I smile and take a step back.

I have now learnt not to deal with the issues after 6pm in the evening its now my time and the fallout I will treat as a chore and not have it in my own freetime if you follow ?

I cannot believe my improvement in 6 weeks. If you are just commencing this awful journey ( and your previous life rewritten by your ExP ) I was crumpled on the floor 6 weeks ago, but now I am on standing on my feet , I am climbing back.

Thanks everyone for every comment because they all help and by sharing on MN we can all help each other to heal one day at a time, which I now have to do after nearly 20 years of happiness . Seems that the ExW thinks something better lies for her elsewhere. Yes the OM appeared within three weeks.

Hello everyone, I do not mind in the slightest that you have shared your own experiences on this thread. If it can help anyone get through their shock, pain and anger, then I am more than happy. I first posted on WWKs thread, I could not believe how strong, witty and articulate her posts were when she was obviously going through a terrible ordeal. Her posts made me laugh out loud on occasion when I was at my lowest, and she encouraged me to start my own thread as she knew I would get support and advice. I have since read many other stories of unfaithful, unkind, emotionally and physically abusive husbands and partners, and tried to give advice in my own small way. WWK calls it paying it forward, and I hope we will all continue to do that here and on other threads.
Drifting , welcome, I know you feel in the minority here, but there is no barrier to feeling unloved, unwanted, and discarded for something supposedly'better' is there?
I, myself am feeling a bit more 'me' at the moment, but that could change at any time, and I need to be prepared for that, going no contact has been the best thing for me, it has given me some breathing space before diving back into the financial process.
So keep posting, keep sharing advice and supporting each other.
I am hobbit! Hear me ROAR!
( I think I've gone a bit bonkers really) :)

Oh Hobbit - bonkers is good! In a way, I kind of enjoy being a bit 'childish' at times because the fun times are few and far between in divorce! I've been doing the responsible thing for 8 months (well much longer than that to be honest) but when I can, I try to do flippant, lighthearted, and naturally bonkers!

If I was going to be 'mistress of the divorcing universe' (and I apologise drifting as I've been a bit sexist at times, sorry) I will wave my magic wand all tell all dumpees:

No bloody contact
No Internet Stalkery Stuff
No bloody shame - this is their choice, not yours.

And just take it one day at a time.

Anyway a slightly grumpy WWK has just had her sleep overdosing disorder disturbed by her SHL (at 10:50 in the morning - how unreasonable!) to say there is incoming...

Feel and sound like the grumpy gudge! May write a letter this evening. Must shower and head off for her final appointment with her solicitor before the 'trial of her life' a week today. Gulp!

KOKO. WWK.

PS Drifting At six weeks, I was still heading downwards, nowhere near the bottom, so please do be kind to yourself if you're putting on a front, acting tough, faking it to you make it and all that outwardly. But be honest with yourself inside and okay about it. Take care.

Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread.

Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!

If I can offer one piece of advice it's NO CONTACT! I realise complete no contact isn't always possible when there are kids and finances involved, but if you must, keep it to an absolute minimum, refuse to engage and keep it as brisk and businesslike as possible. That pisses them off more than anything, not knowing what you are thinking and feeling (which makes them start wondering about you and what you are doing, rather than the other way around) the realisation that maybe they aren't the centre of your universe and you haven't collapsed without them. If you ever, ever find yourself coming face to face (at child handovers or whatever) never make eye contact. In fact, try not to look in their direction at all ... that really, really pisses them off!

The old divorce diet works wonders .. and even though you feel shite inside you start to look fab, which pisses them off even more!

Good luck all, stay strong and I promise you ... further down the line you will wonder what the hell you ever saw in these tossers. I actually get a little shudder of revulsion nowadays when I think of mine, when once I thought the sun shone out of his arse.

Font
x

Yes, drifting, WWK is right, I think I was still in shock at six weeks and just running on adrenaline tbh, it took a while for the actual reality of what he had done to sink in, and sometimes I wake up and still can't believe that he has done this to our family. I keep getting flashbacks in my head of things he said and did while in the throes of keeping everything secret from me, texting her while we were all out together, calling her while we were on holiday, asking about her history, (her husband left her for someone else about ten years ago, and she had a breakdown, which is why I never thought she would do that to me) and that really fucks your head up. So you are doing fantastically well, but don't beat yourself up if you find you are slipping back a bit, I did that, until WWK gave a me a good talking to! Love hobbit, moving forward, and paying it forward every day.......

Hey, Font!, so nice of you to comment, I must admit I think I luffs you a little bit, you always have good, sound advice to contribute, thank you for taking the time to post on this thread. You are so right about no contact, I feel a hundred times better for doing this, and telling everyone not to tell me anything about what ff and bf are doing. It doesn't change anything and it certainly doesn't help me in any way. I must admit I fail to see what is so irresistible about my ex that made her want him so badly, maybe her eyesight is at fault! He certainly turns my stomach now to look at him, which I shall avoid doing, re post. :)

Fontella it's so good to have you commenting on this thread. I hope you read my earlier post about you. When I read certain threads there are names that spring to mind. When they comment it's like the big guns have arrived, and that what they say is the absolute truth of the matter. Anyfucker, cogito, you , spring to mind. I'm actually feeling a bit star struck having you post on this thread!

The stuff written about rewriting history. I can't remember exactly what was said but the general idea is that if it was a good time for you at the time, then hold onto it. That was your actual experience at the time. I have tried to think in that way. When things dawn on me, when I realise that yet another event had stuff in the background, I just treat it as more reason to despise him but I resist going beyond that. Why the hell should they steal so many of our happy memories? Don't let it happen! I have worked on that mindset and it does help a lot.