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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Inappropriate photos of son *possible trigger*

219 replies

Letmeeatcakecakecake · 11/12/2014 17:50

Omg I'm in shock.

I'm not with my sons father. My son is 5.

He just casually told me that his daddy took a picture of his butt and sent it to someone.

I asked him how he was standing and he showed me that he was laying on his back with his knees drawn to his chest and his anus exposed.

I'm shaking and in shock. What do I do? Shall I report it to the police?

OP posts:
TinyWishes · 12/12/2014 14:34

Keep your partner close, open up to him, don't be afraid to cry or show emotion. He hasn't just abused your son, he has abused you too! x

Original poster
Letmeeatcakecakecake · 12/12/2014 15:48

Managed to get through the afternoon, volunteered for the christmas afternoon at his school which kept me distracted.

Social worker coming over in a bit, not sure if she will speak to DS but it's re assuring that things are moving quickly.

OP posts:
GarlicGiftsAndGlitter · 12/12/2014 15:54

Flowers Well done, cake :) It is reassuring, yes. Still wishing you all the best.

3littlebadgers · 12/12/2014 16:00

It is really great news that things are moving swiftly, all credit to you.

cardamomginger · 12/12/2014 16:29

To repeat what I said earlier - you are doing brilliantly. I am in awe of how you are handling this. XXXX

Cauliflowersneeze1 · 12/12/2014 16:42

You are doing exactly the right thing

TheTravellingLemon · 12/12/2014 16:45

Good luck with the social worker. It's good that you are not being left in limbo for too long Flowers

Joysmum · 12/12/2014 16:45

Well done, you're doing all the right things. I'm so glad he had you as s mum Flowers

Original poster
Letmeeatcakecakecake · 12/12/2014 17:15

Social worker has been, she spoke to me on my own briefly and then DS on his own.

DS told her that it happened in a restaurant, that he was tired so asked to sit on the changing table and got into that position with all his clothes on and his dad took a photo.

She is going to speak to the police regarding this and see if they want to take it further (the interview).

I've just casually asked him about it and asked if he had pants on or off and is going back to saying off. Saying he said he had his clothes on to her because he hadn't had a bath?

I'll mention it when she calls back to give me an update. I think I'm going to push for an interview for him and see completely what he says.

I'm so frustrated that he's just told the social worker one thing and sticking with his original story to me. I hope this isn't the aftermath of my mum telling him off about it so he feels that he can't tell her the truth.

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 12/12/2014 17:19

Oh bloody hell Sad

Definitely push for an interview.

Does anyone know if there is any way that op can encourage him to tell the truth/reassure him without adversely affecting either DS or any outcome?

Cauliflowersneeze1 · 12/12/2014 17:21

Push for an interview , alarm bells are ringing for me , what with the video thing

He said it was because he hadn't had a bath , did he think his bottom was dirty then ?

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter · 12/12/2014 17:57

Oh, bless :( I'm so sorry you've hit this glitch, cake. I agree it's the best idea for you to speak to police, tell them what DS said and ask for re-interview.

Footle · 12/12/2014 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Redglitter · 12/12/2014 19:07

Don't worry the police will speak to him and establish what's what. The officers who will see him are specially trained in interviewing children. They're used to stories being changed etc.

Before his interview give him lots of cuddles and reassurances and emphasise he's done nothing wrong.

If they have the social workers report before hand they'll know what his 2 versions are. The police will still see this through they won't cancel his interview because of it.

wherethewildthingis · 12/12/2014 19:17

Not to scare monger or raise your anxiety unnecessarily. Your son needs a vulnerable witness interview and that needs to happen tomorrow. Every person who knows about this, who he potentially talks to about it, the more he talks to you about it - all of that undermines the realistic possibility of a conviction. I cannot stress this enough. Do not talk to your son about it any more unless he instigated that discussion. Then demand a video interview takes place tomorrow. Raise hell with the social worker and get her to arrange it. You have seen already how delay confuses a child and undermines their account - a defence lawyer will make a great deal of the different account given to the social worker. Don't allow that to get any worse, he needs interviewing tomorrow

bestofthesunshine · 12/12/2014 19:17

Keep going letmeeatcake, you are doing wonderfully well. Thinking of you and sending you strength xx

charlie2405 · 12/12/2014 20:39

OMG I feel sick reading this. Classic signs of grooming and I'm a nurse who has to do safeguarding every year. Keep DS away from dad. No contact until sorted. But be clever, keep contact with your ex until police seize everything and make excuses such as DS is poorly etc so you don't alert him. Well done for not questioning your son more too, let the police do it and try your hardest to not beat yourself up/ freak out totally until then xx

JuxaSnogUnderTheMistletoe · 12/12/2014 21:42

Presumably if the police get their skates on they'll find the photo and who it was sent to.

Letmeeatcake, you have done the right things from the beginning. You are very strong; there is no one better to help your ds through this dreadful period.

Look afteryourself too.

DocMcStuffinsBigBookOfOuches · 13/12/2014 11:19

I may be way off the mark, but a comment in your mothers text jumped out at me letmeeatcake. You said she wrote "How many times has *^^ pulled down his pants unexpedidly for no reason? He was doing it to ME today when i was trying to take a picture of him doing a goofy grin!"

I am wondering about the connection between a camera coming out and your son flashing? Sorry if it's not helpful, but it really did leap out of that paragraph at me.

You are doing so well, and taking all the right steps. Your son is a lucky boy to have a mum who leaps to protect him immediately.

ocelot41 · 13/12/2014 11:39

I have no advice to offer, just admiration and support. Would that every little boy and girl had such a lioness of a mother!

As for your mum's reaction - people do and say some mightily weird shit when they are shocked by news of abuse, rape etc. Victim blaming isn't at all unusual, although horrifying.

You are doing amazingly Flowers

Original poster
Letmeeatcakecakecake · 14/12/2014 09:22

Hey all,

Just an update. Nothing new has happened since my last post.

I expect that I'll hear from the police or SS tomorrow, I'm going to mention my sons back tracking of the pants on/off issue and push for the interview.

I'm just really worried that my mum telling him off about it, made him decide to tell the SW that he had his pants on, I wasn't in the room so he probably thought he could get away with lying. I'll explain that all to the next person I speak to.

Hopefully they decide to interview him, I would feel a lot more comfortable with what they would have to say referring the circumstances of this photo than what the SW would have decided.

However, I'm going to start looking up independent children's psychologists who deal with sexually abused children, so if they decide not to interview him, I will just book a private session with one for an extra opinion and (hopefully) peace of mind.

It feels weird though, because, I don't want this to have happened to him, but I don't think I can rest and drop the subject until I've heard from the mouths of the professionals that they are satisfied that he hasn't been abused in any way shape of form. I would never be able to forgive myself if it come to light in years to come that actually, he was abused, but I'd just accepted the opinion of someone who my son told a different story to, and left it.

I'm feeling a lot better mentally than I was though, I've just realised that as of now, steps are in motion to find out the truth and continue as necessary, he is safe with me and no one is going to harm him. There's NO point destroying myself over this until I hear more. I'm even managing to sleep and eat again (including the Nandos platter I eat to myself last night... In my defence, I am eating for two Wink)

My son, as far as he is aware has had a lovely weekend! We've finished off his canvas prints that he's giving as christmas gifts, got to stay out late having a meal with me and my DF, and we all stayed up late playing Rayman and demolishing a box of chocolates! Today we're going to decorate a hat he has made out of an old box and try to make a wreath for the front door. He's loving it.

With regards to my mum, I've spoken to her and made it clear how furious I was to her reaction. Her defences were...

  • telling him off: she was so shocked to be told that, that she didn't know what to say, so told him off Hmm
  • speaking to his dad for an explanation: she said she would have demanded an explanation and then made it clear that she would be going to the police, which she now realises it wrong.
  • reminding me about the aggro it would all cause: she was merely pointing out the route it would go down.

Obviously, she's back tracking and changing her story. I pointed out that I was there when he said it and managed not to tell him off, confronting the father gives him the opportunity to destroy evidence, and who gives a s**t about the aggro it causes. I told her that when she told him off, I saw the SHAME in my sons face when his little face dropped to the floor and that is detrimental to any potential prosecution.

She then tried to have a dig at me saying 'I'm really upset about what you said about if anything ever happened to that, that I'd just have a cosy chat with the them' Hmm then tried to BLAME ME by going 'how could you let him take him when he doesn't tell you where they go, stay or what they do'. I'm sure you ladies can all imagine how I responded.

OP posts:
ocelot41 · 14/12/2014 09:27

I will say it again - you are amazing! Flowers

BuzzardBirdRoast · 14/12/2014 09:30

Well done cake, you are holding it all together really well. Think you can expect some more apologies off your mum soon, sounds like she is a bit of a 'knee jerk reactionist'? I hope you get the answers you need soon. The months of sleepless nights without answers I suffered were the worst time of my life . I do understand what it's like.

Finola1step · 14/12/2014 09:43

You are doing the absolute best by your son.

Wrt to school. As an Assistant Head, yes school are correct that as dad has PR, they can't legally stop him collecting. But here is what they can do:

  1. Not allow your ds to be collected before school finish time without speaking to you first.
  1. Call you if Dad gets there first at regular pick up time.

You can do 2 things:

  1. Send an email to school stating that under no circumstances should your ds be collected early by anyone except yourself until further notice.
  1. You make sure that you are at school at pick up time early every day. If you are going to be late, you call the school office to say that you are on your way and ds is to wait.

Email today so it's in place for tomorrow. School will be pleased if you do because it then gives them your permission to say "no" to dad if he tries to collect early.

Mulligrubs · 14/12/2014 10:05

You're doing so well OP