Rape? Or am I just an idiot? Or both? (may be graphic)

[bringoutyourdead]

NC. Hope it works. Apologies for typos etc haven't slept, probably still under the influence and freezing cold fingers.

I probably haven't posted in the right place but I post quite a bit in relationships and know people are straight forward and/or supportive if necessary.

I went out for my work Xmas do last night. I drank quite a lot. I was supposed to stay at a friends but didn't. I went with a strange man (boy? Man? He was probably younger than me). I dont remember how I got talking to him or where or why. I just remember being in a taxi with him, and a friend calling and me explaining I wouldn't be going to the other friends with them. Anyway we ended up at a house (not his by what he said?) and having sex. It was not the drunk casual sex I had planned or like. Basically we had anal sex. I am agreeable to it sometimes but it's the sort of thing I "reserve" for LTRs when there's trust etc. I remember hitting him quite a few times for hurting me (like hits to the body) and saying "ow" etc. He was asking questions like is that good (in the "sexy" not caring way)....and I was saying no. But I never said "dont have sex with me" i dont think.

I stayed and was sick a lot in the night. I left a few things there (because they were covered in my sick anyway) and snuck out in the morning. I didn't have any cash with me so couldn't get home. I knew roughly where I was and after walking for about an hour found a cash machine and a bus stop.

I'm home now and safe but in some pain. I noticed after that he had used baby oil as a lube (pretty sure that affects condoms?) so pain wise it could be worse. I have burns on my knees presumably from carpet. I was sort of led face down on it in a living room.

I dont even know why I'm posting now that I've told "the story". I feel really confused about what happened. I think he took advantage a bit and that's making me angry. I'm so angry at myself, though. Is what happened rape, or me being an idiot? A work friend text to check I was ok. I didn't know what to say, can't exactly explain.

I don't know what I want. Someone to tell me I haven't done anything wrong and I'll forget about it soon enough. But I know I've been a dick and it's going to play on my mind

empireofdirt thank you for your post about legal rape terms. I am not confused about whether I wanted the sex which I had. I didn't enjoy it. It was painful and humiliating (I needed the toilet). The confusion is about whether I did enough to let him know...you could hate something but if you said and did nothing about it then it wouldn't be fair to call someone a rapist. Obviously I did say and do something but hopefully you see what I'm getting at.

Sorry I haven't named all other posters.

I wasn't squealing in pain. I was saying "ow" (obviously not in a monotone voice but probably wouldn't be described as "squealing") and that it hurt....so it would have been clear I was in pain but as I said I didn't say "ow that hurts, STOP". That's the problem. I said "ow" and "it hurts" and told him I didn't like it. I never told him to stop (that I'm aware of and therefore I probably didn't as my memory of the other bits is quite vivid).
I have no idea why I didn't tell him to get off to stop.

middleage the man didn't know I "like drunk casual sex". I mean it would be reasonable for him to assume I did because I presume when I left with him I was both drunk and willing, but I never said "I like drunken sex" to him? I mentioned it for the sake of transparency on the thread. I don't tell people I like drunk casual sex when I meet them.

I don't really feel able to properly respond to some posts questioning my account. I understand that the details I've provided are confusing. I didn't remember them all immediately and they haven't all been recalled in chronological order which probably makes things hard to follow.

Thank you to everyone who replied. I won't be informing the Police so the thread is fine.

Stringent absolutes? What be they? Are they something to do with black and white rape?

You're giving the strong impression of a person who prefers to think there are forms of non-consensual sex that aren't illegal.

All non-consensual sex is illegal. Stringent enough for you?

Holy shit people, middle said they're not sure if the OP was raped and the response to that was to call them a rapist?

yes that is why i have no respect now for what they said. Ridiculous.

I agree with you shaska. it is a grey area and a randomer from the MN board cannot assume they know either way what exactly happened. This is only for the OP to discuss with a professional.

Sorry, cross posted with you there, something. I'll back off now, don't want to argue this in front of you.

I missed some posts whilst responding

middleage please believe that I haven't given a "selective" version of events. I have recalled them to the best of my ability and been very honest.
Selective makes it sound like I have been lying or omitting things knowingly.

Hi everyone,

We hope you're ok bringoutyourdead, and that you're getting some helpful advice here.

We feel that this would be a good time to link to our We Believe You Campaign, we hope it is of some use to you

Omg, she said yes because he wouldn't accept no as the right answer to his humiliating questioning as he was violating her anally with her face down in the carpet having expressed very clearly that he was hurting her.

This thread is depressing.

OP, I'm really sorry that you have experienced this, all of this, being raped, being questioned, questioning yourself, being disbelieved, all of it. I am so so sorry. I haven't read the whole thread but, I hope that you have found or can find someone to talk to who will listen to your experience with a kind and open ear. If you haven't already, I reiterate the suggestion that you contact rape crisis.

And, keep posting here if it is helping you. I only hope that some of the replies aren't too damaging for you.

I have been a lot more upset today. Some posts not helping. But I am sure no one has said anything to upset me on purpose so probably just feeling a bit sensitive. Lack of sleep etc.

I saw my sister but didn't mention it. I didn't feel like I could. I am going to wash what's left of my things (only a cardy with sick on anyway) and have a proper wash this evening and go to the walk in centre for STD tests tomorrow hopefully. I may need to speak to someone in person eventually but I don't feel like it's the right time, so I will just say I had unprotected sex (albeit that I possibly didn't) and need tests. If they even ask, I don't recall what they ask normally.

Thank you kate. I have found having people to tell here helpful.

And I'm sorry I got your name wrong, bringoutyourdead!

Not at all myempire your posts have been very helpful and having someone validate your experience as being okay to be upset about (not right words sorry). Or wrong (which I think it was- I wouldn't treat another person like that) is good.

I dont have anyone IRL but I do have a pet who is very happy to be getting more attention and space on my bed in the evening. I know who to contact if I need to speak someone in RL now too thanks to posters.

Consent to a particular sex act is not given, or even implied (and it is therefore rape) if a person...

1. is too drunk to give informed consent

2. has had drunk casual sex before with the perpetrator or any number of others

3. has gone along with a previous sex act with the perpetrator and then decides she wants to stop

4. goes off somewhere with the perpetrator

5. is not crystal clear that she withdraws consent but the socialisation we all go through tells the perpetrator this, by verbal or body language

6. gives in to verbal and/or physical coercion to complete the sex act

Seems quite clear to me.

I think that's the problem AF, so many women aren't clear so education on this point is needed to ensure all know, and all know to educate the next generation to be clear on it too

I didn't call middleagecrisis a rapist. I said their posts conveyed the attitude of a rapist (that there are circumstances in which it's all right to aggressively penetrate a woman who isn't consenting.) I stand by that, and recommend AF's post above to middle's supporters.

If I may quote Buffy from another thread:-

If I were a man, I think what I would be doing rather than asking for a definition that could excuse error in all possible scenarios is resolving never to insert my penis into a women unless I was very sure indeed that she wanted me to.

I think it's a bit soon for the clinic, OP, a couple of weeks usually.

This thread is very worrying, there is almost a whiff of disapproval from certain posters. I think that you have understated rather than overstated the facts, and your responses have been measured and honest.

An extraordinary ignorance of the law is much in evidence.

Wishing you well.

Some posters on the thread should be ashamed of themselves.

In 2014 society shouldn't be this confused about what constitutes rape.

Frankly, I'm disgusted that some posters are defending the man who raped the OP, and on a thread where she has came for support? FFS, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

OP, I believe you.

I presume said posts have not been deleted because they are being robustly taken apart on the thread.

Peggy has form for that kind of comment, IIRC