Rape? Or am I just an idiot? Or both? (may be graphic)

[bringoutyourdead]

NC. Hope it works. Apologies for typos etc haven't slept, probably still under the influence and freezing cold fingers.

I probably haven't posted in the right place but I post quite a bit in relationships and know people are straight forward and/or supportive if necessary.

I went out for my work Xmas do last night. I drank quite a lot. I was supposed to stay at a friends but didn't. I went with a strange man (boy? Man? He was probably younger than me). I dont remember how I got talking to him or where or why. I just remember being in a taxi with him, and a friend calling and me explaining I wouldn't be going to the other friends with them. Anyway we ended up at a house (not his by what he said?) and having sex. It was not the drunk casual sex I had planned or like. Basically we had anal sex. I am agreeable to it sometimes but it's the sort of thing I "reserve" for LTRs when there's trust etc. I remember hitting him quite a few times for hurting me (like hits to the body) and saying "ow" etc. He was asking questions like is that good (in the "sexy" not caring way)....and I was saying no. But I never said "dont have sex with me" i dont think.

I stayed and was sick a lot in the night. I left a few things there (because they were covered in my sick anyway) and snuck out in the morning. I didn't have any cash with me so couldn't get home. I knew roughly where I was and after walking for about an hour found a cash machine and a bus stop.

I'm home now and safe but in some pain. I noticed after that he had used baby oil as a lube (pretty sure that affects condoms?) so pain wise it could be worse. I have burns on my knees presumably from carpet. I was sort of led face down on it in a living room.

I dont even know why I'm posting now that I've told "the story". I feel really confused about what happened. I think he took advantage a bit and that's making me angry. I'm so angry at myself, though. Is what happened rape, or me being an idiot? A work friend text to check I was ok. I didn't know what to say, can't exactly explain.

I don't know what I want. Someone to tell me I haven't done anything wrong and I'll forget about it soon enough. But I know I've been a dick and it's going to play on my mind

I am aghast that so many posters seem to have absorbed a message that men have the right to have sex just because and that all these confusing consent issues are getting in the way of the poor diddums who just want to have some sexy time.

how did you come to that conclusion? nowhere here has anyone said men have the RIGHT to have sex just because. It should always have consent. Unfortunately in this instance the OP can't remember if she gave consent. He also might have been as drunk and can't remember most of the night either. We simply don't know the full story here.

Middle, you seem to be labouring under the unpleasant delusion that any woman should just put up with being aggressively penetrated, whether she likes it or not. To clarify, this is the attitude of a rapist.

For other readers: I have occasionally found it useful to point out to an over-assertive partner that he is raping me. Why the fuck it should ever be necessary to point this out is illustrated by middle's posts

OP I hope you get to talk to a professional. I totally understand that the night in question has made you feel uncomfortable and confused.

I won't comment any further. I think myempire and garlic are wrong to assume they know all that happened that night. they don't and neither do i.
if you feel that you were raped by this man. Then speak to a qualified person who will help you deal with this situation.

absolutely myempire, you have all the facts. more so that the OP herself.

Middle, for what it is worth I completely agree with you and for all I know there are others reading this thread who also agree with you. However, you are wasting your time arguing as these threads only go in one direction and you and I will have long since given up. I am just pitching in so you don't feel so alone.

OP, you have had a shitty deal and I hope you get the help you need. You seem to lack someone who can really hold your hand through this. Understandably you are concerned that you might trigger some bad memories for the friend you feel able to confide in. At the moment you need someone you can unconditionally rely on without such sensitivities. You sound like a resilient person and you are going to need every ounce of courage you can muster to get through this. Your original post is tainted by self recrimination which is completely unwarranted. Be kind to yourself, you deserve much better.

I think if you decide to go to the police and prosecute then you need to get the thread deleted ASAP. It would not be good if his solicitor got hold of it.

It could easily be used as evidence against you and seems as though a bunch of strangers have persuaded you it was rape when at the beginning you just thought it was crappy bad sex. You also mention at the start of the thread that you don't think he would have known you were that drunk but now posters are saying he obviously preys on drunk women. You started out saying you were pretty sure that you weren't spiked but now you think you might have been.

The guy is obviously a dick and I don't know if it is possible to ask around and find out if he as a reputation for stuff like this if so the police may already be aware of him.

myempire no point going over what I think as you have made you mind up no matter what.

Myempire. How can you say you believe a stranger on the internet who provides selective versions of an evening and you have no idea what really happened here as the OP herself isn't sure and slightly fuzzy about the whole thing. It's wrong to provide her with such stringent absolutes!

if he stopped hurting her would she have carried on and been fine with it?

What the fuck has that got to do with anything? She made it clear he was hurting her. Not only did he carry on hurting her, he bullied her into saying it felt good! In what la-la land is that not the action of someone deliberately causing distress through penetration?

Middle, this is not a court of law. Stop acting like the man's defence, please.

Holy shit people, middle said they're not sure if the OP was raped and the response to that was to call them a rapist?

I don't think that's fair or kind, and I think it's also quite offensive. It's not a fucking slur you can throw around to discredit someone you don't agree with. Or it shouldn't be.

I really like what MyEmpire said about the legal vs real definition of rape and that sums up a lot of what I think about this situation. Legally, it's a grey area. But it does sound like the OP didn't consent to the anal sex and therefore was raped.

However, I do struggle with the fact that there is only one word - rape - to cover these two scenarios. Because I do think there have to be legal definitions of things, and I'm not sure that the real definition of rape - ie, to include a rapist who is not aware of a lack of consent (which, to be clear IS still rape) - would be fair or practicable in a legal setting, with legal punishments.

Also: pet peeve. Drink spiking happens far, far less often than people think it does. www.theguardian.com/science/blog/2014/sep/22/alcohol-date-rape-drug-facilitated-sexual-assault-dfsa