To be sat on the sofa crying again because MIL is a cunt and DH is a spineless little mummy's boy.

[BramwellBrown]

Sorry long but it doesn't make sense otherwise and I don't want to drip feed.

MIL has spent the last 7 years bullying and belittling me at every opportunity and can be really spiteful.

MIL decided she would take DD to visit a different Father Christmas this year, one of the expensive ones that has a petting farm with reindeer, DD loved the reindeer and said he wasn't a bad Father Christmas as it goes but his grotto wasn't as good as the 'real one' I usually take DD to at the church fair, where FC knows DD's name and asks how her dog is etc (and is my Dad). MIL 'oh for goodness sake you're 6 any normal child your age knows the truth by now, that grubby church hall your mum takes you to isn't real either, there's no such thing as Father Christmas and Christmas is just a made up load of commercial rubbish celebrating the birth of an imaginary baby.' DD is really upset and doesn't even want her advent calendar because she says there's nothing to look forward to now, I know DD was likely to find out the truth about Father Christmas soon and fully expected this to be the last year she really believed in him but I'm furious that MIL would be so spiteful as to tell her like that or imply there was something wrong with her for not knowing and can't even describe how angry I am about the rest of it, I'm Catholic.

MIL then came round yesterday with a huge shopping bag of sweets for DD and none for DS as hes not DH's biological son I told DD to pick 1 for her and 1 for DS and I'd put the rest away for later, MIL starts on about me being mean and ridiculous, part of childhood is eating sweets til you feel sick I mentioned to MIL how upset DD is and MIL started screaming in my face and calling me stupid, DS tried to stick up for me but DH didn't say a word, then this morning MILs just text saying shes picking DD up from school at 3.15, I've said not today, she sent back 'it wasn't a question'. as it happens DD has a school play this afternoon so I will already be at the school (MIL was invited before the argument but school plays are boring) So DH and I have started the day on an argument because I asked him to have a word with his mum and he told me to stop winding her up.

AIBU to think its not I'm winding her up, she's just a cunt and that if DH loved me or had any respect for me he'd step in occasionally, I don't want him to go NC or anything but the odd 'Mum, that's enough' would be nice, I wouldn't let my parents treat him like this and its making me question if i want to be with him anymore.

Wow, I cannot believe your DH retaliates with your mother is fat or your father can't read well, when you try to address your MIL's behavior.

Next time he attempts that - you need to step in immediately and tell him you are discussing how his mother's behavior has directly hurt yours or the childrens' feelings and him attacking your parents' shortcomings is vile. Ask him who taught him to behave that way. His mother?

And remind him it is your job to break this cycle so that he does not teach your children to behave the same way.

Get DS the snake and the pair of you name every little frozen rodent it eats with MiLs name

Have been reading your posts like

How dare she say that to your dd? How dare she treat your lovely ds like that? But most of all, how dare your 'd'h not stick up for you all?

Am glad you sent that text, it's a great start. I definitely agree with other posters that you should tell the school that dd is not to be released to her.

I'm another one who usually eye rolls at MIL threads because they aroften 'AIBU to think my MIL is trying to take my DD away from me - she even wanted to take her out in the pram today on her own' type bollocks.

This is a whole different kettle of fish.

I would be furious at what she told your DD about Father Christmas - what kind of person does that?

I would be fucking apoplectic at 'it wasn't a question' - that bitch needs takin down a peg or two right now. I would honestly ring the school and tell them not to allow your MIL to pick her up. I know that sounds extreme, but seriously I think that she needs a strong message that DD is your child and she is needs to wind her neck in.

'It wasn't a question'.......... - pffffftttt, jog on biatch!

Your dad must be a really good FC to have got away without being recognised. That is lovely! (I remember being very unconvinced by the school father christmas at age 5 - I think it was the black-framed 1960s spectacles- think Harry Palmer - that really did it though).

I think you are on the right track with MIL. The outburst with the sweets is because she is trying to intimidate you back to where she wants. (Father Christmas etc can only be put down to infantile jealousy, I'm afraid. Most GPs would have loved the GD's interpretation of the various Father Christmasses - it is fun).

You need to leave the bastards.

At the very least, refuse to have your MIL in the house. She's a nasty, abusive controlling piece of work and you don't have to put up with it. Nor do you have to put up with a victim blaming husband.

youareallbonkers She wasn't living in the UK when DH and were first together so she wasn't around constantly and I didn't see how much DH let her get away with, plus she's been much worse since splitting with FIL, I think he used to protect the rest of the world from her.

I've still got no idea how to deal with DH, he's refusing to look at this thread or talk like adults and I'm pretty close to losing my temper and kicking him out.

There's a few ways this could go and unfortunately your prick of a DH is the one that loses out on every count.
You need to keep taking the stand in defending your kids from her viciousness even if it means you have to stop them from having contact with her.

Things may die down a bit and MIL may be able to have contact with your DH present (I wouldn't go for unsupervised contact to avoid a repeat of above). Drawback is if he's as spineless over defending them as he is you they will soon not want to visit and see your DH as a bit of a twat.

You enforce no contact and your DH hits the roof and strops about blaming you. However by default he is also blaming them for the situation, for daring to be upset by her...Again he looks like a twat in their eyes.

You stand up for yourself and children and he digs his heels in, the relationship ends and the kids have to spend weekends visiting him at hers. They see what a twat he is when he won't stand up for them when she has a go for some perceived slight and they are upset about something she has done.

In all these cases DH damages his relationship with his kids and quite frankly that's his lookout. Point it out to him where he is headed by all means but let him dig his own grave. Your priority is you and the children (something you are doing a fine job about).

You and the children will be around a lot longer than MIL will, does your DH really want to destroy those relationships in favour of his mother? Is he going to start saying to them when they get upset by something she's said or done that they shouldn't wind her up and its their own faults?

Once the outcomes of his behaviour is outlined in no uncertain terms. What he does with the information is his affair, as are the consequences. If he continues to be a dick then he's doing it with his eyes wide open.

Also, if you deserved what you got for winding MIL up, does your daughter also deserve the vitriol directed at her??

Surely he doesn't want his kids subjected to that level of spite?

well this sounds like a massively tough situation.

The woman sounds possibly unstable. Is she well? Does she have a history of any illness? Is she on medication, does she drink? Maybe she is simply obnoxious.

I am afraid I believe we marry 'into' a family. Many people try to cut their partner off from vile or abusive backgrounds but I think that needs to come from a person themselves NOT their partner.

However vile, if you want to stay with him, then being realistic, you need to somehow find a way to function with her in contact.

If he won't stand up then he either can't (has she bullied/dominated him his whole life?) or won't. And that's his choice. Do what you can re you and her but he needs to decide to cut his own mother off, not you, imo.

neverbuy Totally agree with what you said.

Unfortunately it won't be my children going to see them every other weekend, it will be DD facing it on her own, DH is DS' step-father and DS doesn't think of him as his father.

diddl apparently DD is over reacting

Apart from all the other obvious boundary & control issues she has, I still cannot believe that anyone could be so spiteful as to tell a child aged 6 about Father Christmas just before Christmas!!!

She is simply being nasty and your DH has obviously been conditioned not to stand up to her.

This is going to be a battle. Your DH needs to realise that this behaviour from her is not normal behaviour from a parent or grandparent.

for you

"apparently DD is over reacting"

What has to happen for only supervised contact to be allowed?

If your DH is not going to back you up, then you make it clear to him that he's welcome to keep the peace with her, if that's all he's capable of, and you don't even care that much that she's had a go at you because you're an adult and can stick up for yourself, but allowing her to emotionally abuse your (and his) DD is not on and she's not going to get any more chances to do that.

apparently DD is over reacting
:(
That would be the final nail for me. If the cowardly bastard can't stand up to his vicious bitch of a mother to protect his own dd then to be frank - he should leave.

Your DD IS NOT overreacting. Her Gm has ruined the magic of believing for her at such a young age - that is, or to a normal person should be, unforgivable.

Awful woman

I am not surprised you have reached breaking point ...I hope the play goes well and DH can at least figure out why his dm is bVU.

My sister is like this about my mum though ..She knows stuff that was so wrong but makes huge excuses for her behaviour.

There needs to be evidence of harm or the risk of harm, diddl.

DayLillie - My Dad is frequently stopped in the street by small children because he looks like Father Christmas even when he's not in costume, Its not DD doesn't recognise him, its that she thought my Dad really was the real Father Christmas but that he'd got sick of the journalists at the north pole so was pretending to be a normal person most of the year, she found his costume when she was 3 and DS did some super quick explaining.

blimey if mummy is that precious that she can do no wrong and even dd can be blamed for her viciousness rather than it be faced then he needs to go live with her.

she's been much worse since splitting with FIL, I think he used to protect the rest of the world from her.

I wondered if that was the case. It could also be why your H feels he somehow has to defend her.

What a hateful situation.

Its not DD doesn't recognise him, its that she thought my Dad really was the real Father Christmas but that he'd got sick of the journalists at the north pole so was pretending to be a normal person most of the year, she found his costume when she was 3 and DS did some super quick explaining.

That's just brilliant! Which only adds to the Cowness of your MiL.

Please make sure the school know she's not allowed to pick up. Please tell her she's not welcome in your home.

DH is DS' step-father and DS doesn't think of him as his father.
Does your DS actually like him and get on with him?

Can your FiL speak to your DH? Any chance he would listen?

I must admit, your DH isn't sounding much of a catch at present.

Snake in each room.

And just remember - you have NO OBLIGATION to have ANYTHING to do with this woman WHATSOEVER.
She's not your relation, thank fuck.

Bullies often (but obviously not always) create bullies. At best I don't think your H (not going to call him 'D' because I don't think is qualifies, tbh) has learnt empathy, kindness and emotional intelligence, at worst he's a bully just like his mum (you have to make that call). Don't live with it for too long