To be sat on the sofa crying again because MIL is a cunt and DH is a spineless little mummy's boy.

[BramwellBrown]

Sorry long but it doesn't make sense otherwise and I don't want to drip feed.

MIL has spent the last 7 years bullying and belittling me at every opportunity and can be really spiteful.

MIL decided she would take DD to visit a different Father Christmas this year, one of the expensive ones that has a petting farm with reindeer, DD loved the reindeer and said he wasn't a bad Father Christmas as it goes but his grotto wasn't as good as the 'real one' I usually take DD to at the church fair, where FC knows DD's name and asks how her dog is etc (and is my Dad). MIL 'oh for goodness sake you're 6 any normal child your age knows the truth by now, that grubby church hall your mum takes you to isn't real either, there's no such thing as Father Christmas and Christmas is just a made up load of commercial rubbish celebrating the birth of an imaginary baby.' DD is really upset and doesn't even want her advent calendar because she says there's nothing to look forward to now, I know DD was likely to find out the truth about Father Christmas soon and fully expected this to be the last year she really believed in him but I'm furious that MIL would be so spiteful as to tell her like that or imply there was something wrong with her for not knowing and can't even describe how angry I am about the rest of it, I'm Catholic.

MIL then came round yesterday with a huge shopping bag of sweets for DD and none for DS as hes not DH's biological son I told DD to pick 1 for her and 1 for DS and I'd put the rest away for later, MIL starts on about me being mean and ridiculous, part of childhood is eating sweets til you feel sick I mentioned to MIL how upset DD is and MIL started screaming in my face and calling me stupid, DS tried to stick up for me but DH didn't say a word, then this morning MILs just text saying shes picking DD up from school at 3.15, I've said not today, she sent back 'it wasn't a question'. as it happens DD has a school play this afternoon so I will already be at the school (MIL was invited before the argument but school plays are boring) So DH and I have started the day on an argument because I asked him to have a word with his mum and he told me to stop winding her up.

AIBU to think its not I'm winding her up, she's just a cunt and that if DH loved me or had any respect for me he'd step in occasionally, I don't want him to go NC or anything but the odd 'Mum, that's enough' would be nice, I wouldn't let my parents treat him like this and its making me question if i want to be with him anymore.

I think everyone should report, and then completely ignore.

But MNHQ need to do more here.

aye, ignoring them is the best & concentrating on the OP. Who hopefully is getting some sleep

Ok Line

Bram - hope you get a good night's sleep. Stay strong.

And please - this thread is about a woman who needs support. Let's stay focused on that.

Bram I think your DH will come slinking back in a few days, possibly after another verbal attack on you.

Mine did, after being on the attack for about a week he was finally ready to talk about things. We're still at that stage 5 weeks later.

My DH also has domineering, abusive parents who like nothing better than to put me in my place. FIL is a work of art in snide comments and out-and-out bullying if he's not witnessed. MIL is known for being 'blunt' which is polite speak for thoughtless and uncaring. And also bullying.

You described what your DH's childhood was like and it struck a chord as that's near identical to my DH's. He was fed and clothed but never encouraged or supported in any way. Even being fed was obviously too much for her as they nicknamed him 'Piggles' because of how much he ate as a teen. He's 6ft 4 for crying out loud. Feed the poor boy who now has issues with overeating and I wonder why

He doesn't even 'hear' when his father is standing next to him snarling about how useless he is (he was drilling a hole for an extraction fan). I bet your DH is the same. So conditioned to her negativity that it's 'normal' for him, and to criticise her is to undermine any affection he ever thought he's received. You attack his memory of the past when you criticise her. You make his foundations (childhood) unstable when you criticise her (hence the attack on you).

The criteria I have set DH to even begin to discuss if we can stay together is a) I go no contact and he fucking well supports me and
b) he goes for counselling about his parents parenting.

Of course it can all be to late. I do not appreciate being attacked when I'm down. That's not the man I married and if he's ever going to do it again we may as well get the divorce paperwork started now. But I'm going to give him those two simple requests and see how he does. And then see how I feel.

Take time to allow yourself to think through what you want to happen next.

i just had to read the whole thread - phew! - after these last few posts and i'm gobsmacked!

here is what i see

1. one poster has made a comment (on page 15!) that nobody has to like or agree with...people have said their piece &could now ignore the poster-like some have done. Instead, some people have carried on posting comments to this person (weirdly xpecting/dictating there be no reply), some verbal insults (knowing he/she will respond), so there are actually quite a few of you responsible for the way this thread has gone
2. The op is paying it no mind &doesn't seem to be wasting energy on this squabbling so i don't know why anyone else is
3. You're all bad as each other for the 'i agree/disagree so you can/can't say' 'you're a bad/good person' thing going on

i think everyone needs a or

elfycat I wish you lots of luck. I think you are very astute.

elfy yy that is what I was trying tp put into words but couldn't quite get to.

I also think sometimes if you point out that someone's parents are not ideal, you are implying their childhood/upbringing was unhappy and therefore they may think you are implying that they may have been affected by it, therefore they are damaged and/or toxic themselves

Disclaimer: having a weird childhood doesn't necessarily make you damaged but people are sometimes encouraged to think that everything we do to kids damages the adult. So they get defensive. And yet I have friends who had far from ideal childhoods and who are well adjusted rounded balanced people. (Possibly in part because they see and accept their parents behaviour for what it is).

Phew! What an enormous read.

Brams. You are amazing for finally allowing yourself to stand up to your poisonous MIL. If your H can't be the partner that you and your children deserve in their lives then be grateful that you are protecting them.

I sincerely hope that DD's Christmas Magic starts to reawaken. Continue with the explanations. I LOVE that MIL clearly got no presents and that's why she doesn't believe. Run with it.

Sleep well. Breathe deeply. Drink lots of non alcoholic drinks and talk to your family.

I think you've shown huge self restraint Bram, with mil from hell and certain posters.

Can you go into the woods and have a good old scream/lick the crap out of a punch-bag at the gym?

Big up yerself.

• kick, not lick. That would be horrible for you.

Bbj

Hope you managed to sleep well

Good luck elfycat. Make or break time for your husband, I hope that it comes good.

I'm impressed with your strength at how this has turned out. I would have expected you to be far older than you are - I'd not have had a quarter of your resilience at your age. Stay strong!

Thinking of you this morning Bram. I hope you managed to sleep. Don't speak to your husband today, he needs to stew for quite a while. As does his toxic mother.

Good luck today Bram. Hope your mum managed to make it over, must have been good to see her.

FWIW, I punched the air and cheered when I saw what you had said to your mil. Just a shame you didn't have your sons much wanted snake with you. You could have set it on her Voldermort style as in Harry Potter.

I wonder who's feeling weak today out of you or your dh, I think the smart money's on him.

What did your mum say about all this Bram? Has she met your MIL?
Hope you had a good sleep

Good morning everyone, I woke up this morning to DD asking if I wanted to build a snowman (thanks Frozen) and am feeling much better than I did yesterday.

DD's godfather text whilst I was asleep saying DH is staying on his sofa atm as MIL wouldn't let him stay with her.

Mum and I took the DC out to the christmas market yesterday, had mulled cider and mince pies (Mum and I that is, the kids had hot chocolate) We are spending today making paper chains and covering the flat in all the bright coloured christmas tat that DH hates, he likes simple decorations that match and hates my tree of home made decorations, I have a big family and mums been saving every decoration we've made since we were babies so literally the only shop bought thing on her tree is the fairy lights, I said a few years after I moved out how much I missed our tree, so my 4 youngest brothers and sisters and DS made me a huge box of decorations, complete with paper plate angels, hand print robins and salt dough blobs shapes.

elfycat, I really hope you manage to sort things out.

Sounds like you're all having a rather nice time without cunt-chops hanging around. Rather interesting that mil won't let him stay with her

Can highly recommend that you read Elfy's thread - in AIBU, wanting to do something evil to stupid DH (sorry, can't seem to link ATM) - inspirational. She's a really strong woman who has gone through a similar awful time.

So glad you're feeling better than you did x

it sounds a lovely day bramwell, hope it's peaceful and pleasant.

Mum says to give it time and hope that he sees that his mum isn't a nice person, she's not good at relationship advice, her and my Dad have been together since they were children and are almost the same person, like I can ask them something and get word for word the same answer even if they haven't spoken to each other, its bloody creepy, this simply wouldn't happen to them because Dad would take any insult to Mum as an insult to himself so not stepping in wouldn't cross his mind.