To be sat on the sofa crying again because MIL is a cunt and DH is a spineless little mummy's boy.

[BramwellBrown]

Sorry long but it doesn't make sense otherwise and I don't want to drip feed.

MIL has spent the last 7 years bullying and belittling me at every opportunity and can be really spiteful.

MIL decided she would take DD to visit a different Father Christmas this year, one of the expensive ones that has a petting farm with reindeer, DD loved the reindeer and said he wasn't a bad Father Christmas as it goes but his grotto wasn't as good as the 'real one' I usually take DD to at the church fair, where FC knows DD's name and asks how her dog is etc (and is my Dad). MIL 'oh for goodness sake you're 6 any normal child your age knows the truth by now, that grubby church hall your mum takes you to isn't real either, there's no such thing as Father Christmas and Christmas is just a made up load of commercial rubbish celebrating the birth of an imaginary baby.' DD is really upset and doesn't even want her advent calendar because she says there's nothing to look forward to now, I know DD was likely to find out the truth about Father Christmas soon and fully expected this to be the last year she really believed in him but I'm furious that MIL would be so spiteful as to tell her like that or imply there was something wrong with her for not knowing and can't even describe how angry I am about the rest of it, I'm Catholic.

MIL then came round yesterday with a huge shopping bag of sweets for DD and none for DS as hes not DH's biological son I told DD to pick 1 for her and 1 for DS and I'd put the rest away for later, MIL starts on about me being mean and ridiculous, part of childhood is eating sweets til you feel sick I mentioned to MIL how upset DD is and MIL started screaming in my face and calling me stupid, DS tried to stick up for me but DH didn't say a word, then this morning MILs just text saying shes picking DD up from school at 3.15, I've said not today, she sent back 'it wasn't a question'. as it happens DD has a school play this afternoon so I will already be at the school (MIL was invited before the argument but school plays are boring) So DH and I have started the day on an argument because I asked him to have a word with his mum and he told me to stop winding her up.

AIBU to think its not I'm winding her up, she's just a cunt and that if DH loved me or had any respect for me he'd step in occasionally, I don't want him to go NC or anything but the odd 'Mum, that's enough' would be nice, I wouldn't let my parents treat him like this and its making me question if i want to be with him anymore.

I answered that bit too twizzle but in case you missed the post as there's been a few since then

The reason the focus is on DD not DS is that it is completely my choice for me and DS to have nothing to do with MIL so it doesn't matter what DH thinks about that, where as DD is as much DH's as mine so I needed to check I wasn't over reacting about her.

I don't need the advice for DS, so I focused on what I did need to talk through as otherwise people tend to focus on DS because his issues are more complicated and DD's needs get brushed to one side.

Cucumber slices are also very good for puffy eyes and a bit quicker than cold teabags.

Your H is a spineless wanker and your MIL is a grade A bitch. If she keeps throwing your DS's conception in your face, then I can only say I'm surprised you've kept your cool THIS long. Un-fucking-believable that anyone could victim blame to that extent. Horrifying.

Go forth from this situation with your head held high, you have nothing to be ashamed of and much to be proud of - and well done on the job! Stick 2 fingers up at the pair of them - they'll be very happy together, I'm sure, and you and your DC will be better off without them.
xx

Bram, I know you're going through hell, but do you know what? It IS going to get better. It just is. This is a turning point for you. You're strong and brave and you can do anything you put your mind to.

Agree with the pp who said that you getting into the work you've worked so hard for would cause problems anyway. But you are going to be happy and successful and you're not going to have to put up with any more shit. You don't need them.

Twizzle, you actually said you would just keep on asking if the OP didn't answer. Not a pleasant thing to do and absolutely no need for it if you can manage basic arithmetic.

You and the kids are going to have a fabulous christmas with everyone being equal and no one being horrible to you or them. Get yourself sorted keep Dd away till after Christmas so that she doesn't suffer any more abuse or bullying by her GM When in the care of her spineless arse wipe of a father.
If you think it's all over then a trip to the solicitors is in order to start the divorce process which can involve rules about contact with Dd.
I hope you and the dcs today snuggle up and realise that you've all had a lucky escape.

"it will be me having to bend over backwards to get DH to bother to see DD."

Well, it might not be worth trying too hard, especially if it meant that she would be subjected to MIL.

Sorry it's come to this Bram, you did the right thing. It does sound that your 'd'h is as toxic as his mother.

YouAreGoingToBeFabulousTiggaxx

Sounds like your H is going to have a lovely Christmas sitting opposite his mother whilst his wife and kids spent it surrounded by her family who love them. A pattern that will probably be repeated for many, many years. Don't look back, Bramwell!

Oh my god, no - get this woman out of your life now. It doesn't matter if it's difficult.

Get your daughter the book of Grinch or Scrooge and teach her about wicked old misery-gutses and say wicked grandmother was wrong about santa.

bramwell most normal people snap after 7 years of bullying, I think you've done fabulously.

I also think that when the dust has settled you might be a lot better off without this man-and-his-mother in your life. Hard as it will be getting there.

I'd suggest first that you repost on Relationships becuase you'll get a lot less judgementalism and comments from the so-perfect brigade.

Secondly, when things have settled down it is probablly a good idea to take a long look at the men you're drawn to. The first one was appalling but your husband seems more subtly damaged and damaging. I think you need to look at your expectations in relationships and the cues you are picking up on. The Freedom Programme is generally reckoned to be very good, not only at actual violence but at identifying the cues of abusive men and at yourself.

Bram - if the letters don't arrive, or even if you think extra Christmas Cards would be nice, just send me a PM.

bramwell. No advice from me, but I just wanted to tell you what a brave woman you are. It's so great to see someone standing up to a bully, and doing the best for her children. RESPECT.

You have not lost any moral high ground, in fact you have earned massive respect for defending your dcs and yourself against a couple of toxic and nasty bullies.

Bramwell

You know your DH means the opposite, without a doubt. What he actually can't cope with is being with someone who is strong and stands up for herself and her children. He probably hopes that the threat will silence you and put you back in your place. This isn't even just about you and your MIL anymore, she is now being cruel to the dc. I know you must feel awful right now but you had to do this. You sound really strong and frankly amazing. You and your lovely DC will have a great future ahead of you, you will go on to better and better times. Your DH and MIL on the other hand have just burned their bridges with another child and shown themselves unable to be part of another family.

tsfab - what a fab idea

Bramwell, I'd love to send a chrissy card too, if you think it might raise a smile. Just PM me xx

me too--cards for you and your lovely Dc's.
would be a real pleasure to sent to you all

keep your chin up, you are an inspiration to us all

Just read the update op. Good riddens to weak, pathetic mummys boy. Big higs to you. just think you'll never need to see the wicked old bag again.

Bramwell you are fantastic. Well done you.

Just remember, nobody ever came back on here and said they regretted ending their crappy relationship. Sometimes they come back and say it was the best thing they ever did though. You'll be free to do whatever you like from now on and nobody will be there to moan or bitch. Good luck to you.

Good luck with the job OP.

Here is a link for tax credits calculator which you may be eligible for once you start working - bear in mind the figure given is for the period between now and the end of March 2015 so if you did it now and got a figure of £2000 that would mean roughly £500 per month.

Here is a link for child maintenance calculator so you can see what DH will have to pay you for DD.

Good luck and check back in

Please let us know if you have trouble getting him to leave.

Exactly I woukd nit bother bending over backwards to get your h to see his dd. Leave him your contact details and try and both arrange regular contact. If he starts messing about, don't bother, leave ball in his court.

So sorry that OH has decided to side with mummy. It may not feel it right now, but you are well better off without someone like that long term.
You & your kids will be So much better without MIL (well she will still see DD but hopefully only on alternate w/e) There was no way to be happy under the given circumstances.
Pity your OH spineless, & not courageous enough to read the thread, what is he scared of ? If he sees the light, maybe you could insist he read this before coming home ?

You are not weak. You are a strong and loving mother and your MIL and now ex DH can live a lovely life together! I can completely see why you said what you did in the text, when you have incurred years of bullying....it just had to come out in the way it did. I also think that you probably new deep down, that it would have the results it did. Well done on the job and I look forward to hearing more.

Hang on - yesterday morning you wanted your husband to tell your mum to back off a bit (and you'd been putting up with her for 7 years). Now in the space of 24 hours you've kicked him out and are like so over him? Do you not think things might be moving a bit fast and for the sake of your family some more dialogue is indicated?

Northern op DH has behaved like a total arse, instead of supporting her has insulted her and sided with mummy. What is there to do! He doesent love or respect her. I guess things haven't been right for a while, thus is just tge straw which broke the camels back. She has out up with years if bullying and toxic behaviour from her mil without mil support, mil toxic ways are now coming to her dd.