Inviting DBro's ExF/SILTB to wedding?

[blondebun]

So, the dynamics between certain members of my immediate family can be regarded as fairly messy and complicated. Whenever I am forced to explain the state of affairs to others I am often left feeling exhausted and somewhat torn. My upcoming wedding seems as if it’s only going to intensify and exacerbate all the bad feeling that exists. I’m not sure how to navigate through this shitstorm.

I'll start from the beginning. I met my gorgeous fiancé through my lovely brother who was dating dp's twin sister (they met at uni). And for about five years the four of us had a great time together. We were all thrilled, if not a little surprised, when DBro proposed and SILTB accepted (they were only 24). However, that happiness was short lived. About six months after the engagement DBro arrived on my doorstep in the middle of the night absolutely distraught, I had never seen my brother in such a state. (I get emotional just recalling the condition he was in) DP and I managed to get it out of him that SILTB was leaving him for another man (her boss) and not only that but she had also had a secret abortion weeks after the proposal. As you can imagine I was totally enraged (as was DP) and could not believe this woman was capable of such cruelty. She had always been the sweetest, loveliest girl. I was convinced she must have had some sort of breakdown that could enable her to act so maliciously (her father unexpectedly passed away a year earlier in a freak accident). My entire family hated her. My mother still only refers to her using a racial slur (she is of Indian origin). I am obviously unhappy about it but understand why she does.

Well fast forward five years and a lot has changed. SILTB is now living in the US and is a mother to two boys and is expecting twins early next year. Her life seems to have flourished into something quite special -she has beautiful homes, cars, lifestyle etc but a great marriage/family also. Whilst in contrast, DBro hasn’t managed to meet anyone special despite the fact that he is a very handsome, lovely guy. It appears he has only time for work these days (he is a surgeon)

I’m torn because in many ways I have forgiven her. I don't doubt for a moment that she totally regrets how she behaved and handled the situation. Over the years we have managed to rebuild our relationship- something which I have mostly kept from my own family. For me time and distance has healed. When I see her now with her husband and baby sons I know she made the right decision for herself. But of course I still harbour a lot of resentment for the way she conducted herself and the long-lasting damage this has had on DBro.

My parents assume we won’t invite her to my wedding in a year’s time. But I can’t do this to DP who loves his sister and nephews deeply and wants them there. I feel like this may also be a good opportunity to sort out unresolved issues and may ultimately be good for DBro- who is the person I most need to protect. Please advise. I feel like I'm in the middle.

I think you need to be straight with your parents. You get on ok with her now and expect them to be civil.

For your DBro get one of your most beautiful friends to attend wedding with him.

Sit her away from your DBro and parents. Will she actually come? I wouldn't do a transatlantic flight with twin babies.

Try not to worry, most people behave at weddings. Even my parents got on fine at mine......

Forget the parents talk to your brother first. If he's ok with is then your parents will have to accept the situation.
She's your future husband's sister she has to be at his wedding!

I don't think this is your family's call.

It would be different if your brothers ex was an old best friend of yours who you have managed to rescue a (changed / long distance) friendship with. But its not, its your H2be's sister and her children, his family.

If he wants her there, then she comes. Your mum is told in no uncertain terms that the racial slurs (or slurs of any kind) stop now as his sister will be your family and if nothing else a polite distance is kept.

You sit down with your brother and let him know she will be coming but in no way does he have to interact with her or be near her.
Yes it may be difficult for him to see her and how she's moved on and happy but at the same time, he may be fine with it after an initial pang.

He may be casually dating, he may not want family so close to any other relationships he's had so has kept up the pretence of single status.

Or maybe not but you cant exclude your DP's sister for a (horrendous) mistake she made in her early 20s that you're sure she regrets.

After all what happens at potential future children's birthdays / christenings etc is she banned from those as well or do you alternate the exclusion list?

Why the fuck do your your parents think its up to them that your dp's sister is to not be invited to his wedding? What she did wasn't good, no, but your parents need to back off. Really? They refer to her by a racial slur? Well that's just as valid a slur to your dp. And then any children you may have. Whatever happened they sound foul. You need to put them straight. Frankly, I'd be dropping them.

I agree with mimi - you explain your decision (that she will be invited) to your DB - not a question "how would you feel about this?" but a firm decision "we'll be inviting SIL and we hope you'll understand why DP wants his sister at our wedding".

Your brother might not relish the prospect of seeing her again, but I'm not sure he'd like the idea of being 'protected' either - even if he is single, he may well be perfectly happy being so. I was in a long-term relationship with someone and then single for several years and it really pissed me off that people assumed I was unhappy/miserable when single... I was definitely not and I definitely didn't tell my siblings anything about all my fuck buddies

In your shoes, I'd also make sure my mother knew that if she couldn't be trusted not to use racial slurs at my wedding or ever in my presence that she wouldn't be invited at all.

I'm sorry but the thing that stands out here for me is that your mother uses a racial slur when talking about a member of your family - her son-in-law to be's family. Your CHILDREN's ancestry, when you have them.

She sounds disgusting. That is really all that there is to say - I cannot believe that you can be in her presence and allow that. What the hell kind of grandparent is she going to make? One you are no contact with, I would hope.

As for invitations to your wedding, they are no-one's business but your own (and certainly not that of your foul mouthed racist mother).

I'd just like to address the issue of my mother making unpleasant remarks regarding my SILTB's ethnic background. I do not believe my mother is a racist. I have a daughter with dp and she absolutely adores her grandchild. She knows it's unacceptable but she still feels a lot of anger towards my future SIL for the way she treated DBro and the fact she aborted her first grandchild still upsets her. My mum was very close to her prior to her affair.

How does your DB feel about this?

If she's not a racist why is she specifically using a racial slur when talking about her?
There are plenty of non race-specific insults she could be using...

No, she IS a racist.

She could call her all the names under the sun for what she did, that's her choice, but if she chooses to use a word which basically says 'I'm going to use a word to describe your race specifically to INSULT you, because I think the fact you are a certain race is insult-worthy' - that makes her a racist.

She adores her grandchild? I'm sure she does. Casual racism like hers always excuses itself - or has itself excused - by the old 'Oh no but my best friend/grandchild/second cousin once removed etc. is X race, so I can't possibly be racist!'

She IS racist. That's what racism is. Ugly, isn't it?

I quite literally cannot believe that you would allow someone like that around your DD, especially if she is mixed race, and not pull her up on it. That is HORRENDOUS.

Not to mention her future DH- it's his sister she is talking about.

it's simple really. She is your sil - your dp's sister. There's no question about not inviting her to the wedding. if your parents have an issue with that then that is their issue to deal with.
And given your mother used racist language against your dp's sister she essentially has used it against him as well and he would be well within his rights to not invite her to the wedding or even allow her to be a part of his children's lives.

Talk to your db. He may be working all the hours, and not met anyone, but that doesn't mean he's still pining. He may be thanking the Universe for a lucky escape - fewer distractions to studying, well rested for exams, no wife in the background expecting him home by 8pm when he's in Casualty and will be stuck there for hours yet and so on. He may be thinking that he wouldn't have done nearly so well career wise, as well as have as much disposable income, with a wife and kids etc etc etc.

If your mother uses racial slurs as an insult then she is a racist. I find it shocking that you would have her anywhere near your child and partner who also share that race. And yes she may be angry that your brother was hurt but they were young, relationships fail, time has moved on and the abortion is none of her business.

I do not allow my mother to use that kind of language around me or my daughter and she hasn't done so in a very long time. She was always apologetic for letting her anger get the better of her. But my youngest brother (who still lives at home) has informed me she still calls SILTB (on the rare occasions she has to mention her) names.

I'm not entirely sure how Dbro feels. He largely avoids talking about what happened in the past. He had a really tough time of it- almost to the point where he was considering packing in his career. He did not take it very well either when she announced her pregnancy only a year after their break up but then again a few years have passed since then. He has also never met her husband.

Also rather selfishly I am unhappy with all this taking place on my wedding day. I don't want the drama.

If my hotel manager husband brought your mother the wrong food and she called him a black bastard, would you consider that racist? I bet you would. It matters not what someone did, nothing, NOTHING excuses racism and by excusing it you are as bad as her.

You may not want to accept it but yes, your mother is racist and if anyone should be left off the guest list it is her.

She needs to keep her nose out and get over it. The only person who has any right to still be upset about it is your brother and I would say that he should have moved on by now realistically.

Tell your mother that you will invite your SIL2B to your wedding and if she doesnt like it then tough. Its hardly your or SILs fault that your mother insists on holding a grudge.

I find it hard to understand why your STBSIL is so hated by your family, As you say, she was 24 when the split / abortion happened. Not something to be proud of necessarily but they were very young and mistakes and bad behaviour are normal.
'But of course I still harbour a lot of resentment....long lasting damage to DB'. If he had moved on then this would be a non-issue. This is not your 'damage'. He has a choice here, it's not your job to protect him.

Sorry OP but I think you and your whole family sound a bit entitled if you think it's ok to harbour so much resentment 5 years on.

There are some harsh posts here. The thread is not about whether mum
Is a racist. Nor is it about whether a family should still be feeling hurt. They do still feel hurt so that's what matters.

I think you need to speak to your brother. He will be expecting it. Is your wedding small and intimate or big enough that the two can be separate? How does your husbAnd feel about it all - he must have thought about it too.

And there won't be any drama on the day. Everyone there wants the day to be perfect for you and everyone will ensure that any looming blips are smoothed

My husband has a close relationship with DBro and he has always done his best to manage the situation. He couldn't believe she had acted so terribly and felt she had betrayed him also but regardless he made excuses for and has always defended her- they have been through a lot together so I understand this.

Dp sees things as being very black and white. Yes she made a mistake but as far as he's concerned he'll always be her older brother. Which I respect. My family on the other hand want nothing to with her. My mum is convinced she intentionally set out to hurt my brother

Your mother sounds horrible.

I can't believe she holds a grudge that a 24 year old woman ended a relationship that was not right for her. Nor that she chose to end a pregnancy if she did not feel ready for motherhood. For all you know she may not have known who the father was, if she had been seeing someone else.

Your mother sounds both ignorant and meddling.

I entirely agree re the racism. Also, I feel I have to say , your SIL ended, what was for her, an unwanted pregnancy. She did not abort your DM'S "first grandchild" Her first DC is/will be her first DC.

um, tbh I don't get the statements here that the sister here was "very young." she was 24, that is not "very young" it is an adult. At 24 my parents had been married for four years, had two children, a mortgage and had emigrated to another country, and being married with a house and children was the nor at that age until only fairly recently.

Given that eighteen is the age at which people are considered adults 24 is a long, long way from there and tbh I think that is used as too much of an excuse for abysmal behaviour.

The woman cheated on her partner with another man, she had a secret abortion without telling him at a time when they were supposedly planning their future together. That is despicable behaviour regardless of whether she was 24 or 30 or 40, or is cheating ok until a certain age? somehow I don't think so.

The brother in question here has every right to be upset and never want to see her again, and if she was anyone other than family it would be entirely unreasonable to invite her to the wedding given what she did.

It is only because she is the op's dp's sister that her presence at the wedding should be given any credence at all.

And yes of course the mother is out of order for using racial slurs against her (or anyone else)

But no, she was not "very young" she was an adult, and was entirely responsible for her behaviour.

One thing I feel quite strongly about here is that no matter WHAT the situation, NO WOMAN has to justify, explain or even inform anyone else of her decision to have a termination.

This woman chose to end a pregnancy. That was no-one's business but her own. Frankly, your SIL's termination was not your mother's anything, and HOW DARE she describe it in those terms.

I don't think there is any such thing as a 'secret' abortion. It's one person's private decision - there is no 'secret keeping'.

Your SIL behaved badly. But your family have a very odd attitude to the whole thing. Frankly, it's just not half as much their business as they seem to think it is. They seem very busy and very keen not only to be as hurt and outraged on your brother's behalf as possible, but to start interfering equally energetically in your own relationship - it's simply nothing to do with them who comes to your wedding.

'My mum is convinced she intentionally set out to hurt my brother'.
^ I wonder if this is why it's still such a burning issue for your whole family, because your mum has kept fanning the flames to support her own agenda? Is she controlling in other ways? Is this why DB seems unable to move on or speak about the situation - because DM has dictated what he thinks and feels?

'She had always been the sweetest and loveliest of girls' - this doesn't sound like the sort of person that would intentionally hurt your brother. She has no form for it.

I may be way off but I fear that your DM may have done a number on you. This is all about her, and your STBSIL has been made a scapegoat.

If she comes over a bit early for your wedding, then you could arrange a meet up which includes her and your dbro so that there's a chance to sort things out if necessary before the day.

I think with the rest of your family you will have to be very firm and very strict - behave yourselves or else!