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Original poster

Inviting DBro's ExF/SILTB to wedding?

142 replies

blondebun · 24/11/2014 13:02

So, the dynamics between certain members of my immediate family can be regarded as fairly messy and complicated. Whenever I am forced to explain the state of affairs to others I am often left feeling exhausted and somewhat torn. My upcoming wedding seems as if it’s only going to intensify and exacerbate all the bad feeling that exists. I’m not sure how to navigate through this shitstorm.

I'll start from the beginning. I met my gorgeous fiancé through my lovely brother who was dating dp's twin sister (they met at uni). And for about five years the four of us had a great time together. We were all thrilled, if not a little surprised, when DBro proposed and SILTB accepted (they were only 24). However, that happiness was short lived. About six months after the engagement DBro arrived on my doorstep in the middle of the night absolutely distraught, I had never seen my brother in such a state. (I get emotional just recalling the condition he was in) DP and I managed to get it out of him that SILTB was leaving him for another man (her boss) and not only that but she had also had a secret abortion weeks after the proposal. As you can imagine I was totally enraged (as was DP) and could not believe this woman was capable of such cruelty. She had always been the sweetest, loveliest girl. I was convinced she must have had some sort of breakdown that could enable her to act so maliciously (her father unexpectedly passed away a year earlier in a freak accident). My entire family hated her. My mother still only refers to her using a racial slur (she is of Indian origin). I am obviously unhappy about it but understand why she does.

Well fast forward five years and a lot has changed. SILTB is now living in the US and is a mother to two boys and is expecting twins early next year. Her life seems to have flourished into something quite special -she has beautiful homes, cars, lifestyle etc but a great marriage/family also. Whilst in contrast, DBro hasn’t managed to meet anyone special despite the fact that he is a very handsome, lovely guy. It appears he has only time for work these days (he is a surgeon)

I’m torn because in many ways I have forgiven her. I don't doubt for a moment that she totally regrets how she behaved and handled the situation. Over the years we have managed to rebuild our relationship- something which I have mostly kept from my own family. For me time and distance has healed. When I see her now with her husband and baby sons I know she made the right decision for herself. But of course I still harbour a lot of resentment for the way she conducted herself and the long-lasting damage this has had on DBro.

My parents assume we won’t invite her to my wedding in a year’s time. But I can’t do this to DP who loves his sister and nephews deeply and wants them there. I feel like this may also be a good opportunity to sort out unresolved issues and may ultimately be good for DBro- who is the person I most need to protect. Please advise. I feel like I'm in the middle.

OP posts:

clam · 03/01/2015 23:36

Oops! Connection hadn't been lost after all!

Nanny0gg · 03/01/2015 23:39

But the husband would be putting his sister before his wife!

It's all a horrible mess, but I do think the brother is the 'wronged' one here. If I were the sister I think I would stay away. I wouldn't want to see my ex's family or my ex.

Compromise and go and visit the sister for the honeymoon.

FelicityGubbins · 03/01/2015 23:40

My posts don't seem to show up either MN must be having an off day?!
anyway Clam, its not a case of putting my brother before my husband, its a case of putting my brother before my husbands sister and her husband, and yes, I would!

clam · 03/01/2015 23:43

But by putting her brother first, she is expecting her husband to disown his twin sister - effectively. Whereas there's no real reason why the two of them can't maintain relationships with both. No one's expecting the respective siblings to play happy families, except for the wedding day. The sister lives thousands of miles away for a start, so meet-ups aren't going to be frequent.

clam · 03/01/2015 23:44

I would have a problem with marrying anyone who made it clear they would not accept my siblings.

CaptainHolt · 03/01/2015 23:44

The husband wouldn't be putting his sister before his wife. His wife has rebuilt her relationship with his sister.

If I was the husband I wouldn't be being dictated to by my sisters ex because he can't get over the fact that he was dumped 5 years ago.

TheSpottedZebra · 03/01/2015 23:47

Who's paying for the wedding?

GreerGarson · 04/01/2015 00:42

It does seem very strange that everyone arrives at the same house on the same night at the same time. Almost as if someone had planned it.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 04/01/2015 01:16

If you would put your brother before your husband to be, might it be simpler to find a different husband to marry? You could make it someone palatable to your dysfunctional family who seem to have normalised bearing a grudge in a pack.

Original poster

blondebun · 04/01/2015 01:32

Initially my fiance and I had planned on meeting up with BIL in London for a meal but our plans changed last minute and he ended up coming to us for dinner. It may seem strange to welcome the guy that caused my dbro such grief into my home but honestly I was hospitable largely for my fiance's sake who makes an effort with BIL, who is after all the father of his two adorable nephews (and two nieces who are on the way)

I don't understand why my closeness with dbro is being called into question?

OP posts:

YonicSleighdriver · 04/01/2015 01:51

Invite everyone and tell
Them not to come if they can't restrain themselves on the day.

Original poster

blondebun · 04/01/2015 09:55

I have to admit my brother is a rather sensitive guy (once you get to really know him) I assumed he was pretty much over the relationship as he rarely mentioned her and would always play it cool whenever her and her family came up. But unfortunately my wedding may have brought up unresolved issues. It's upsetting (embarrassing?) that what should be a happy occasion is beginning to resemble a soap opera. I agree in an ideal world he would have moved on already but I think he's allowed his work to takeover, so he doesn't get a great deal of oppurtunity to meet new people. I'm not sure I agree with him being called manipulative, teenager etc

OP posts:

littleleftie · 04/01/2015 10:48

I agree with PP that some of us have to see people who have dumped all over us every day at work, every week at DC handover, regularly through family connections.

Dealing with this is part of being a fully functioning grown up.

However, DB is an adult and can make his own decisions about what he can and cannot deal with. So, if he chooses not to attend the wedding then I think you have to just quietly accept that and not make it into a bigger issue.

No way should DSIL2B be uninvited.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 04/01/2015 10:50

Surgeons get to meet lots of people.

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2015 12:35

Surgeons get to meet lots of people.

Doesn't mean you want/are able to have a relationship with them!

I think (purely on what the OP has posted) that he was very, very hurt that the girl he wanted to marry accepted his proposal and then without even informing him that she was pregnant went ahead and had an abortion. Whatever the rights of the mother are here, that was his child too. He should have been told. (Assuming it wasn't the result of the affair, which would also be incredibly distressing) She then went on to leave him for the OM with whom she is now happy, married and with children.

And he shouldn't be bitter at having this woman as part of his family? Really? He probably thought that at least she's 1000s of miles away. He may have thought (hoped) he'd never have to clap eyes on her again. Now he's not only been told he'll have to see her as part of the wedding party at his sister's wedding, but his sister and DF were hosting the OM at their house and he was pulled in to see him.

I wouldn't be feeling too happy with the world right now either. It's probably brought it all back.

TheSpottedZebra · 04/01/2015 12:37

Again, who is paying for the wedding? As really, they should get a say re who attends. So if your parents are contributing, of course they might have a strong case that SIL should not go to wedding.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 04/01/2015 12:54

Honestly, if this was me - is elope and get married somewhere goergous.

Email all of them and tell them this is what you are going to do.

Original poster

blondebun · 04/01/2015 16:52

My htb and I are paying for the majority of the wedding but my parents are also contributing- as a gesture more than anything. So I don't think they are in a position where they can really dictate who is and isn't invited. Eloping for me isn't really an option either. I don't think its too much expect people to put aside their feelings/egos for one day. Honestly I'm beginning to think my wedding's never going to be what I want it to be and all because of a single event (I had nothing to do with) that happened five years ago.

I actually think that dbro has handled himself pretty well over the years considering what happened. I would say he is pretty much over SIL- even though it may not appear that way.

And I think its totally unfair to call me a bad sister for hosting bil, it would do nobody any good for me to treat him poorly. I'm in a pretty difficult situation and I honestly try to do right by everybody.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2015 17:26

I don't think you're a bad sister. I just think it was a complication that you didn't need really.

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2015 17:27

If your brother won't come to your wedding, how can you say he's over her?

What is the issue then?

FelicityGubbins · 04/01/2015 18:02

Op, you have already shown yourself able to forgive people who cause hurt to others by doing things that they feel they have to do to be happy. Just extend the same forgiveness to your brother in his decision to not attend your wedding, and the hurt it will cause you by him not being there.
He is just doing what he needs to, for his own sake...

Joysmum · 04/01/2015 18:12

Invite everyone and tell
Them not to come if they can't restrain themselves on the day

I agree.

Optimist1 · 04/01/2015 18:48

Yes, as Yonic suggests and Joysmum agrees, if you invite them all then your conscience is clear. No-one should need to be told that they must behave with decorum, but you know the individual members of your family best.

Whocansay · 04/01/2015 20:52

If I was your SIL to be, I wouldn't come to your wedding at all. I would however send you a massive wooden spoon as a wedding gift.

You stirred the pot and caused a lot of drama there didn't you? How did you think it would turn out when you persuaded your brother to come in?

Original poster

blondebun · 04/01/2015 21:36

Whocansay- you see it as stirring the pot I see it as trying resolve things prior to my actual wedding day. Plus like I said I was a little tipsy and not exactly thinking clearly/rationally. Obviously it was a mistake. Trust me I am not enjoying the drama.

OP posts:

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