Inviting DBro's ExF/SILTB to wedding?

[blondebun]

So, the dynamics between certain members of my immediate family can be regarded as fairly messy and complicated. Whenever I am forced to explain the state of affairs to others I am often left feeling exhausted and somewhat torn. My upcoming wedding seems as if it’s only going to intensify and exacerbate all the bad feeling that exists. I’m not sure how to navigate through this shitstorm.

I'll start from the beginning. I met my gorgeous fiancé through my lovely brother who was dating dp's twin sister (they met at uni). And for about five years the four of us had a great time together. We were all thrilled, if not a little surprised, when DBro proposed and SILTB accepted (they were only 24). However, that happiness was short lived. About six months after the engagement DBro arrived on my doorstep in the middle of the night absolutely distraught, I had never seen my brother in such a state. (I get emotional just recalling the condition he was in) DP and I managed to get it out of him that SILTB was leaving him for another man (her boss) and not only that but she had also had a secret abortion weeks after the proposal. As you can imagine I was totally enraged (as was DP) and could not believe this woman was capable of such cruelty. She had always been the sweetest, loveliest girl. I was convinced she must have had some sort of breakdown that could enable her to act so maliciously (her father unexpectedly passed away a year earlier in a freak accident). My entire family hated her. My mother still only refers to her using a racial slur (she is of Indian origin). I am obviously unhappy about it but understand why she does.

Well fast forward five years and a lot has changed. SILTB is now living in the US and is a mother to two boys and is expecting twins early next year. Her life seems to have flourished into something quite special -she has beautiful homes, cars, lifestyle etc but a great marriage/family also. Whilst in contrast, DBro hasn’t managed to meet anyone special despite the fact that he is a very handsome, lovely guy. It appears he has only time for work these days (he is a surgeon)

I’m torn because in many ways I have forgiven her. I don't doubt for a moment that she totally regrets how she behaved and handled the situation. Over the years we have managed to rebuild our relationship- something which I have mostly kept from my own family. For me time and distance has healed. When I see her now with her husband and baby sons I know she made the right decision for herself. But of course I still harbour a lot of resentment for the way she conducted herself and the long-lasting damage this has had on DBro.

My parents assume we won’t invite her to my wedding in a year’s time. But I can’t do this to DP who loves his sister and nephews deeply and wants them there. I feel like this may also be a good opportunity to sort out unresolved issues and may ultimately be good for DBro- who is the person I most need to protect. Please advise. I feel like I'm in the middle.

People make mistakes and do shitty things that hurt other people. What your SIL did was horrid, but I find it a bit odd that your entire family has failed to move on from this. To be fair to her, she didn't go through with the marriage to your bro so I could have been worse. These things happen every day.

I've had awful, abusive boyfriends in the past and I've eventually forgiven them, moved on and just forgotten about them really. I think if my family saw any of them they would just be polite.

My husband's ex is best mates with my SIL. She treated him badly when the split but SIL decided to stay trends with her and she pops up at occasions from time to time. There's a lot of water under the bridge now and nobody holds a grudge anymore.

I wouldn't think twice about inviting her to the wedding. At this point, if your family hasn't moved on then that's their own decision. The bitterness cat be doing them any good.

I would have a conversation with DB. Invite SILTB and uninvited your "D"M. If your daughter hurt another child would you be okay with the child's mother referring to your daughter by the racial slur? It is casual acceptance that spreads everyday racism and let's people think they can say things without it meaning anything.

Was your mum OTT "in love" with her DIL2B? I wonder if this is nothing to do with your DBro and everything to do with the fact that she thought she had this lovely family about to happen. It couldnt be more cute could it? Twins marrying her 2 children and wont the grandchildren be close?! etc etc

Then the girl fucks that all up by leaving. I suspect that the abortion is nothing to do with it as such, just another stick to beat the woman with after she dared to upset your mothers vision of a Walton style set up.

I would agree that a quiet word with your brother explaining that SIL2B is being invited, I hope he will be ok with it. And then a much less quiet word with your mother telling her to deal with it.

I think to a large extent my mother has moved on and does her best to avoid thinking/talking about SILTB. I still do not accept that she is racist- I believe a combination of her ignorance and anger gets the better of her.

Yes, my mother was close to SILTB, those first five years were absolutely lovely with everyone being so close. My brother has since moved to another city and I know my mum resents SILTB for this.

I also disagree strongly that DBro didn't have a right to be informed that he had fathered a child. (SILTB was adamant the child was his when he questioned her) He should've been a part of that decision, I can't imagine doing the same to my dp.

I think the best way to handle this is by informing dBro that she will be coming to the wedding with her family and that if he wishes to talk to her that would be great and if not, that's also fine. Ideally I could arrange a meeting before the wedding to help resolve these issues behind closed doors. Also hopefully he will change his mind and bring a plus one.

Your family need to get over your brothers failed relationship and move on FFS.

And your mother is a racist. Even casual racism is abhorrent and I do hope that if she ever uses such language again in front of you, you pull her up on it as being upset abut someone splitting up from her dear son is no excuse for such disgusting behaviour.

And the 'aborted my first grandchild' is all a Bit heavy and over dramatic and reeks of poor me, rather than being adult and accepting,that relationships break down sometimes and people move on.

I'm with WannaBe here on all points.

The way exSIL acted was despicable.

To be honest if she had hurt my DB that much I would struggle to ever forgive her. I think I would cut her out, but obviously understand/respect that DP would have his own relationship with her.

I would speak to my DB re how comfortable he was with her being at the wedding and if he wasn't, I would probably elope. I am not suggesting OP does that obviously.

I would find it too hard to forgive someone for betraying and hurting my family so much.

Obviously your mum's racism isn't acceptable in any circumstances. I can understand that she would never forgive though.

Lots of people never forgive for a lot less. And, 24 isn't that young.

OP you sound really lovely and caring. It must be very difficult trying to navigate these waters, I feel for you.

It is worth waking up to the fact that your DM is not in charge here, it sounds like you are all in awe of her.
'Dbro has since left to live in another city and I know DM resents STBSIL for that'. Why on earth is this STBSIL's fault? How does your DM know they wouldn't have moved anyway if they'd stayed together? What if DBro had met someone else and moved to be with her? STBSIL really has got the blame for much more than she deserves.,

Your DM sounds like she was heavily invested in the foursome that you were - I don't blame her, it sounds idyllic - but things change and life is not a script to be followed. It sounds like your STBSIL was under a massive amount of pressure to play a role, at an early age.

Good luck OP.

Personally I'd speak to your brother and take it from there.

Clearly you need to explain to your mother that this is your wedding day and that if she kicks off she'll ruin it for you.

If you can get you DB inside, she has no more right than her has to kick off and hopefully the combination of you both saying this will keep her under wraps.

Ultimately though it's her choice, you want both there and everyone else can behave themselves for your sake and you expect you wedding to take precedence over the past which can't be changed.

tbh I am at some of the responses on this thread. Imagine if someone posted here:

I have recently found out that I am pregnant but I don't want the baby, I have therefore had an abortion without my dp's knowledge. Now he has found out and is incredibly upset." would people be saying "your body, your choice, your dp has no right to be upset over the fact you went behind his back and aborted his child...." this couple were together at the time the woman had a termination. Yes, she has the right to terminate an unwanted pregnancy, but people really think that a man has no right to even know about it? really?

and if someone posted

"my xp cheated on me with another woman, he and the ow now live together and have children together. Only thing is, my sister is marrying xp's brother and as such xp will obviously be invited to the wedding. After the split I almost had a nervous breakdown and I have never been able to move on or find someone else.How do I deal with this?" would people say "you should be over it by now?" I don't think so.

People are IMO too hung up on the mother's racial slur which seems to have overtaken everything this woman put her ex through. As I said in a previous post no of course racist language is not acceptable, and if op's dp didn't want the mother at the wedding he would probably be within his rights to say that as well. But somewhere people seem to be sympathising with this poor unfortunate woman who has built her life on cheating on a previous partner and betraying him by aborting his child without his even knowing he was going to be a parent and then revealing that information to stick the knife in at the same time as revealing the affair.

Whatever happened to end a relationship before starting another one? Whatever happened to honesty and integrity, both of which this woman appears to have none of.

And 24 is not young - it is an adult. Or at what age is it still acceptable to treat fellow human beings like that and then sail off into the happy ever after?

If the op's family despise this woman she has no-one to blame for that but herself.

The only reason she IMO would warrant an invite to the wedding would be because the op is unfortunately still marryng into her family.

As you said SIL is a member of the family and as such will clearly be invited to the wedding.

I am not excusing what she did but ultimately the groom is entitled to invite his own sister to his wedding.

It's an unhappy situation but the mother can't expect the SIL not to show up just because she hates her. That's why I said the OP should talk to his brother who is after all the person most concerned in this messy scenario.

Whilst I agree with WannaBe,fact remains it's the grooms sister and he wants her there and the bride want her there.

It's 5 years in now, and will be 6 years on at the wedding.

I personally believe everyone should be made to see this is the day for the bride and groom and do them the courtesy of not kicking off or to stay away.

Still with you WannaBe.

I think it's a case of some posters being all rational and superior unless it happened to someone they love dearly.

That woman would not be getting anywhere near my wedding, irrespective of my DP. It wouldn't be a case of forgiveness and moving on, more of just not wanting to see her ever again.

Fuzzy maybe DB had to move away fir a fresh start because of the pain? Maybe the DM would have not minded a jot if he had moved away in happier circumstances?

The DM is being made out to be some kind of devil. She probably isn't but is still vitriolic towards someone who hurt her DC so badly.

The racism is another issue entirely.

I agree that people shouldn't kick off on the op's wedding day.

But I also think that if the sil has gained any kind of decency or integrity in the past five years then she should be aware of just how much upset her presence at the wedding, with the om (who is now her partner) and their children could cause to her ex at least.

People do stupid things. People hurt and betray other people. And while time does change the hurt and people do move on and eventually people do rebuild their lives, if you betray and hurt someone that devastatingly then if you are a decent person deep down you will learn from that, regret it and move on in a way which does take account of the hurt you have caused in the past.

And tbh I think that it is probably equally relevant that the brother here hasn't moved on with his life. If he now was married and had children of his own then his ex's presence would probably be less contentious because he would be hapy in his own right. But it seems that he isn't, and this will be adding to the upset. iyswim.

Agree with WannaBe. I actually perceive a difference in somebody using racist terms when they're hurt and lashing out as completely different to somebody who uses these as a matter of course.

People do lash out when they're hurting, they just do. They may bitterly regret what they say when they've calmed down If SILTB was overweight or had bad teeth, they would have been thrown into the mix as well. It's not about race, it's about desperately seeing a salve for the hurt SILTB levied at OP's brother. Tell me that mothers don't do that and I'll raise an eyebrow very high.

Dis-inviting OP's mother? Some posters just can't fathom beyond their own limited experiences it seems.

Yes Lying, astonishing lack of empathy from some p's.

The man who raped me was at a wedding I was at. I didn't know until I saw him.

I didn't kick off and I held it together.

There are two families here and neither should not be invited to the wedding.
DM cannot and should not suggest that DP should not be allowed to invite his twin.

Yes, this woman did not act kindly to DB. But she will always be DPs twin sister and your children are cousins. For one day DM should bottle her hate and soldier on. Her anger is still bubbling, but how does DB feel about all this? Has he moved on?

Re the abortion. Again DM is making this about her, when it is not. She sounds like a strong person, one who wants to be the family matriarch. Is your DP happy to allow her this role?

A racist comment is a racist comment. Full stop. There is never, ever an excuse for this. Her comment equally applied to your DP and to your DD and I'm actually shocked you did not immediately challenge her on this. I would have walked out the moment the words left her lips. You are condoning her behaviour each and every time she does this.

So now she is in the habit of using a racist slur and the chances are she will let it slip at the wedding, where presumably there will not only be DP, DD and SIL who are Indian but also other people from their family. Do you want to risk offending them at best or have your DM cause a fight?

DM is far too invested in this. She needs to think about you and your family too, not just DB. Her actions could very well prove divisive. Imagine if DPs family hear about her racism and demand you have nothing to do with her? Which is pretty much what DM us demanding re DPs twin. This isn't about her.

WannaBe, I wouldn't be telling anyone that their partner has no right to feel upset that an abortion took place but I would be telling them that the partner cant / shouldn't force them to go through with a pregnancy they don't want.

And in your 2nd example then i'd recognise the wedding would be difficult but if they loved their sibling then they would get through it. For them to stay away or insist the ex (and other spouse's sibling) wasn't invited would equally cause problems for the bride and groom.

Sometimes all parties have to recognise that something maybe difficult but you put your shoulders back, smile and get on with it with grace and dignity. If you have to go and cry in private later, fine but you don't let your issue become bigger than someone else's wedding.

No one (including the OP) really knows how the brother really feels about it all, SIL2be is getting a lot of blame and does seem to have become demonised, after all she moved abroad so not sure what she has to do with the brother moving to a new city. Sure maybe he wanted a fresh start but that was his choice.

We can only go on the information that the OP has posted here. Although I may well be transferring some of my own experience here (I've seen the damage done by mothers holding a long standing grudge) the information that stands out to me is 1) the way out the STBSIL behaved 5 years ago was way out of character for her 2) DM has often demonstrated unpleasant behavior. Hence my take that this is all about the DM.

You see to me the thought me and my brother dating a sibling pair does not sound idyllic, it actually sounds rather claustrophobic. It certainly is always going to be awkward if one wants to break up. It could be that she felt trapped in the relationship and this is what caused her to act out.

I agree totally Unicorns. Idyllic for the OPs family perhaps, but not the STBIL. May explain why the termination was kept secret - if she had told the DB then probably the whole family would have launched into the situation. Trapped indeed.

So your Mother slurs the Ex racially and she is your DP twin sister?

So you Mother racially slurs your husband to be?

How does your brother feel about it all?

• I mean how does you brother feel about his Ex coming to your wedding, not how does he feel about the racial slurring which is obviously disgraceful and is effectively slurring your partner OP?