Inviting DBro's ExF/SILTB to wedding?

[blondebun]

So, the dynamics between certain members of my immediate family can be regarded as fairly messy and complicated. Whenever I am forced to explain the state of affairs to others I am often left feeling exhausted and somewhat torn. My upcoming wedding seems as if it’s only going to intensify and exacerbate all the bad feeling that exists. I’m not sure how to navigate through this shitstorm.

I'll start from the beginning. I met my gorgeous fiancé through my lovely brother who was dating dp's twin sister (they met at uni). And for about five years the four of us had a great time together. We were all thrilled, if not a little surprised, when DBro proposed and SILTB accepted (they were only 24). However, that happiness was short lived. About six months after the engagement DBro arrived on my doorstep in the middle of the night absolutely distraught, I had never seen my brother in such a state. (I get emotional just recalling the condition he was in) DP and I managed to get it out of him that SILTB was leaving him for another man (her boss) and not only that but she had also had a secret abortion weeks after the proposal. As you can imagine I was totally enraged (as was DP) and could not believe this woman was capable of such cruelty. She had always been the sweetest, loveliest girl. I was convinced she must have had some sort of breakdown that could enable her to act so maliciously (her father unexpectedly passed away a year earlier in a freak accident). My entire family hated her. My mother still only refers to her using a racial slur (she is of Indian origin). I am obviously unhappy about it but understand why she does.

Well fast forward five years and a lot has changed. SILTB is now living in the US and is a mother to two boys and is expecting twins early next year. Her life seems to have flourished into something quite special -she has beautiful homes, cars, lifestyle etc but a great marriage/family also. Whilst in contrast, DBro hasn’t managed to meet anyone special despite the fact that he is a very handsome, lovely guy. It appears he has only time for work these days (he is a surgeon)

I’m torn because in many ways I have forgiven her. I don't doubt for a moment that she totally regrets how she behaved and handled the situation. Over the years we have managed to rebuild our relationship- something which I have mostly kept from my own family. For me time and distance has healed. When I see her now with her husband and baby sons I know she made the right decision for herself. But of course I still harbour a lot of resentment for the way she conducted herself and the long-lasting damage this has had on DBro.

My parents assume we won’t invite her to my wedding in a year’s time. But I can’t do this to DP who loves his sister and nephews deeply and wants them there. I feel like this may also be a good opportunity to sort out unresolved issues and may ultimately be good for DBro- who is the person I most need to protect. Please advise. I feel like I'm in the middle.

blondebun Sat 03-Jan-15 22:32:22

I totally dismiss the possibility of my fiance intentionally informing dBro of "BIL" visiting us. He's just not the sort of guy who would revel in such a thing or create unecessary drama. He loves Dbro like an actual brother and would want no harm to come to him.

Plus the only reason I included the fact that my mum has on occasion referred to my SIL using a racial slurl was to show that even though a significant period of time has passed, a lot of hurt remains. I was in fact surprised that people were so unsympathetic and lacked empathy.

DBro has always been such a great brother to me and I'm lucky to have had such a close bond with him. I just want to figure out how to get things to a state where we can all celebrate my relationship/marriage.

I have copied your post and highlighted the relevant part, fact is that through no fault of your own you can't make this ^^ happen, someone threw a bomb into 2 families and the destruction it caused means its never going to be water under the bridge, its just not.
Accept with good grace that one of them (dbro or dsil) is not going to be at your wedding.
For what its worth there were absent siblings of both mine and my dh at our wedding, we still had a good wedding and it caused no animosity from us to our missing family members.

blondebun I think that you did the right thing in inviting BIL round then asking B in to join you. You were being totally fair & balanced with each party.
I understand how hurt your B was by SIL' s abortion & cheating. It must have been very hurtful & affected your B' s ability to trust & love again.
It was 5 years ago. Your brother will always hurt when thinking about what happened & his unborn baby. If he wants to spend the next 5 years grieving, that's up to him. (His behaviour does remind me of Miss Haversham in Great Expectations). But you do not have to continue to grieve with him; life moves on.
Can I ask, would you behave like this towards your brother at his wedding, if the situation was reversed? Or would you put his happiness & your love for him first?
I think that you have your answer.
I also think that this is your day & others should be trying to enjoy it for you

I feel for you blondebun, I really do - you are in a very difficult position. I think you have to stop behaving as though you can actually fix this though, you really can't. I am sure that you would love to have all the people you care for at the wedding, loving you and each other and get back some of the closeness and stability you had before all this with your brother and sister in law happened but it won't happen my love, you need to come to terms with that - IT WON'T HAPPEN. You need to focus on the positives and change your idea of the perfect wedding with one more in line with reality. If your brother stays away, let go of the hurt that will cause you and focus on the fact that this is what he thinks is best, therefore support him.

The only aspect of this I would say is on you is the firm statement to your parents that you expect no unpleasantness on your wedding day, and that they must avoid your SIL if they cannot remain civil. You will not start married life being forced to choose between your husband and them. Seat them far apart and task a bridesmaid/groomsman with ensuring that they stay distant

What was the comment that your BIL actually said to your DB? Your BIL may be the reason DB doesnt want to be there and nothing to do with SIL at all.

I am now so totally sick of this situation and actually was feeling pretty sorry for myself yesterday. My mum was coming to terms with SIL and her family coming (just) but since the incident at my house she is back to her old ways of hating on SIL and her husband now. ( the tiff just gave her the perfect excuse) Obviously she has sided with my brother and is convinced BIL was trying to rub salt in the wound. I'm still on the fence with that one...My brother was the one who actually threatened physical violence.

But I think you guys are right things aren't going to get resolved before my wedding (especially if dbro continues to stick his head in the sand) and I will hve to accept this. I feel bad for my fiance who is such a great partner and father and he's the one who really deserves a good time. We actually had a heart to heart last night and discussed how difficult all of this has been on him, maintaining a relationship with my mum, brother and SIL etc. I don't think I fully appreciated how well he has handled all of this. Which makes me love him even more!

Blondebun hoik up your Bridezilla Pants & tell your own & in-law lot that it is your wedding day, it is about you, your husband and your daughter. It is not about them, & anybody who can't put their differences aside for 1 day for you, isn't valuing your love & friendship enough.
You've sympathised with your brother & trodden on eggshells for him. It's time that he now put you first, because you sound like a lovely sister that he's lucky to have.

What Frances said.

Exactly what Frances said. I think you're now beginning to realise, that your mother and brother are too wrapped up in themselves to consider the impact of their attitude and behaviour on you and your husband. Their initial hurt has turned into selfishness.

Hi, just wanted to say thanks to all of you on here who have been kind and tried to offer me some advice. Believe me it hasn't gone unappreciated. (I'm a pretty private person so avoid talking to friends about this)

Today was my sil's eldest son's birthday so we ended up skyping for that. (Haven't spoken since Christmas as she went away on holiday) Once the kids were out of earshot, talk inevitably turned to what happened between dbro and bil. According to her, bil was trying to "break the ice" with a joke which she assumes dbro took the wrong way. Sil did actually ask if she should write dbro a letter, I told her I didn't think it was a good idea.

Dbro texted dp (but not me) apologising for "acting like a prat". So I think there's hope yet. And my mum apparently has been moaning to my other brother about us having bil around. So maybe not.

Hi,
Sorry for re-awaking this thread after it had sort of run its course. I would just like to seek your opinion on an issue. Since I last posted my brother has apologized for the incident which occurred at my house with my BIL and is once again coming to my wedding. But the only problem now is that my fiances sister has since caught wind (from my dp I presume) that a vast majority of my family does not want her there- apparently she thought most people would have moved on by now. So she is now not sure if she feels comfortable with attending the wedding and putting her (soon to be four) children in such unwelcome situation. Ordinarily I would be ok with this but the only thing is we had arranged to spend part of my honeymoon with my sil and her hubby in the home they own in Italy and she was going to take care of my daughter whilst we flew onto Greece. I don't really feel comfortable with anyone else caring for my daughter for such an extended period of time. Would most of you scrap the honeymoon? Or try to seek a resolution.

You can still go on the honeymoon. That is a separate entity to the actual wedding day.

There may actually come a point where you become bridezilla and say

'Look, this is my day. It is about mine and df love and commitment to each other. This is NOT about something thing that happened five years ago, no matter how painful.

You can either, grow up, be happy for us, come to the wedding as adults and celebrate my day.

Or you can stay home, sulk and continue being bitter 5years later.

As it stands, this conversation is over and df and I will NOT BE DISCUSSING IT WITH EITHER SIDE. We want you there, but only if you are going to celebrate with us. If you are going to spend the time sulking or planning trouble you can stay away although you will be missed.

The choice is yours, just let us know by this date so we can arrange the catering. We will miss you if your aren't there but that will be your choice.'

Then Stick to it.

I really had no idea until 5mins after we announced out engagement that suddenly weddings became about 'other people' and how it was going to affect them!!

This is your wedding and everyone is more concerned about how they are going to spend the day, not how wonderful a day it will be for you and your family.

Time to draw the line and stop letting them take over. Your day, your rules - conversation over.

Look, this is my day. It is about mine and df love and commitment to each other. This is NOT about something thing that happened five years ago, no matter how painful.

This this this.

However badly it started, your SIL2B is with the person she was supposed to be with. It's time for your family to move on.

Your mum is a racist, I'd be worried how she would treat your dc or future dh if she felt they crossed her path, but I'd be more interested in the excuses you would make for your mum's racism to your children or dh. You would probably convince them to accept her racism as 'ignorance'.

You seem more concerned about pleasing an interfering and by all your accounts horrible racist than your own family.

Your children have a racism apologist for a mum. I feel sorry for any mixed race child with mum like you.

Aussie, blonde could direct your harsh advice to her mum instead. SIL is not wanted there, why do you think she should get over it, when her Db's still hate her. You use her as a scapegoat

Sorry then, little confused with your post.

Who is the scapegoat?

In case there is any confusion. I was advising that the op get bridezilla on everyone. Bro,sil, dm and bil.

She needs to tell everyone to stop making the wedding about them.

If I were your SIL I wouldn't want to come either. She is the "black sheep" of the whole situation.

If your DBro doesn't come, there is still your mother and all the other relatives that don't like her. It would be awkward for you because you'd be hoping nobody drank too much and started something.

If she doesn't come, then I think it'd be obvious as well. It'd look like she has a reason to avoid being there, and, honestly if she wasn't your H2B's sister, you probably wouldn't be talking to her either (she'd just be your brothers ex that cheated on him and broke his heart).

As your SIL there is an expectation of getting along, but there's no expectation of her being your friend. There's also no expectation of you having her husband over for dinner, by himself. That's a very clear sign that you don't bear any grudges and he's simply your SIL's husband, not the guy that helped break your brother's heart.

At what point do you stoically stand by your DBro's hurt and hate the people he hates, or simply agree that enough time has passed and it's time YOU and your H2B are more important than something that happened 5 years ago.

Your wedding is not about them. Your mother may be hurt, and she may be acting out, but why is it okay to support her DS and not her DD (you) and understand the situation is difficult for you too. Add to that, why does she think it's okay to use an insult for his sister that could also apply to your fiance and children?

I think it's time you took a stand against your DM and told her that enough is enough. You understand she hurt your DB but this isn't about them and it's time they thought about someone else for a change. This has gone on FAR too long.

Alternatively, if SIL isn't too keen on coming, perhaps you could plan a fun get together/outing with her and her husband in Italy instead. A wedding is great and all but it's just a day. You wouldn't get to spend a lot of time with them solely at the event anyway so I'd probably save it for the honeymoon and also make a big mention of it so people don't feel like SIL is being shoved off in a corner somewhere like a shameful secret.